Relationships are complicated and, when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change. Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight. When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need). Here’s how to tell if you’re truly unhappy in your relationship.
No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different. However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home. If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.
When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule. You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.
I love you…I love you not…I love you…I love you not…
Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place. If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.
You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you. If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.
Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect. I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it. Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.
So now that we know everyone snoops (not just the NSA), it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them. It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation. If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.
If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen. Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed. If you’re a woman who wants to test a guy’s commitment, tell him you’re pregnant and say nothing else. Watch your partner’s reaction during the next few minutes. Pay attention to the way he reacts. If he’s pulling away, he doesn’t love you enough. End it.
No matter who you are if you like it, then you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to). It’s a huge financial commitment, and if you’re not ready for one or the other after a year, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship. Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.
It’s ok to daydream here and there. Everyone has that celebrity bang list and that other list of people in their lives they’d bang. All of that is normal. If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, though, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.
Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone. Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success. Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be. If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?
When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her. When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are. If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.
It’s ok to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path. You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark. When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.
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