Advertising
Advertising

How You Poop At Work Actually Affects Your Productivity

How You Poop At Work Actually Affects Your Productivity

Everybody poops, and sometimes it stinks.

Everybody works, too, and that stinks all the time.

Pooping at work, or in any public place, can be an overwhelming obstacle. Someday you’ll need to overcome the crippling awkwardness of the public plop.

Here are some effective techniques to combat social constipation, toilet paper tyranny, and the discomfort that accompanies the work poop.

Advertising

And let’s be honest. If you don’t poop at work, you won’t be comfortable, and if you’re uncomfortable, you’re not going to get s*** done. These tips will help you overcome stall schizophrenia to help boost your work productivity.

Remind yourself of the natural, biological state of poop

Every person you know does it. Your grandma poops. Your high end corporate boss poops, and even your mini dachshund Tootie drops a deuce probably once a day (and you probably have to pick that poop up). Poop may be mysterious, but it’s a natural part of a healthy life. Without getting too graphic, poop needs to happen lest your body retain all it’s waste and you become a bloated irritable mess. Ever been seriously constipated? It’ll only take one bout of that to appreciate every urge to go.

Re-calibrate your ‘colon clock’

Since at least the 1600’s, Americans have been caffeine guzzling machines. As a guy who loves coffee, I understand what my body needs to do almost every day after that first cup goes down the hatch. If this is you, simply change the pattern of your coffee (or tea) intake. Pour your first cup after the 8 am toilet troop has already gone, or drink your coffee during your commute so poop comes before other poopers down their dark roast at their desks.

Bring your Jukebox (iPoo’d) 

Take your mind to a special place when doing your dirty business. This can be even more crucial if you share a “communal” bathroom where stalls are snug. Queue up TNT by AC DC or Full Body Yawn by Walter Mitty & his Makeshift Orchestra (my preferred poop tunes) and let your poopy paranoia fade away. If music isn’t your thing, listen to a podcast or talk show. If you want to avoid things in your ears all together, put some toilet paper down on the seat to create the aversion of a crinkling sound.

Advertising

Secret, secret, I got a secret (poop place)

Aside from Caroline from OutKast’s Roses, everyone’s poop stinks (okay, her’s probably does too). You surely don’t like the idea of Ted from the fraud department knowing what your specific scent smells like. Do you work in a floored business facility? Use the bathroom a couple floors above or below you. Even if you’re stall to stall with someone else, chances are high that you don’t actually know them or interact on a daily basis. The cafeteria or cafe is completely empty a 10 AM? Sounds like a perfect excuse to head there, enjoy the tranquility of an empty bathroom, and grab a starchy ripe banana on your way out. Search around and experiment with a few different locations to find the specific places and times which are the least busy. Be sure to keep an eye out for single bathrooms, the sanctuary for defecation.

Break free from technology

This point may seem a bit contradictory to one listed above, but having a quick “drop-n-dart” is essential to overcoming the fear of public pooping. Part of the “drop-n-dart” is limiting distractions so you can focus on the poop at hand (not literally). Removing the use of time wasting apps, crosswords, flash games, and videos is crucial to a successful “drop-n-dart.”

Be weary of reading materials

Things like magazines, books, and newspapers can be dead give aways if you don’t work at a newsstand or a book store. As someone who loves to read while they poop (old school aesthetic), keep an eye out for pocket sized bathroom readers that are easily concealable.

Double check the lock 

It seems obvious, but I haven’t met anyone who wants their boss to accidentally disrupt their stall solitude.  If they walk in on you, expect uncomfortable cooler talk and to be the butt of every joke that week.

Advertising

Always bring a match

They’re free almost anywhere and, though some may know what you’re up to when they smell something slightly ashy, it’s preferable to something that smells like two week expired eggnog.

Utilize the No Look Flush

No, I’m not talking about a LeBron James breakway dunk. Sometimes people have a trouble with understanding how something so disgusting (poop) can come out of such a pristine and perfect creature (human). If this is your holdup, simply reach behind you, close your eyes if need be, a flush without giving it a second glance. Never saw it? Never happened.

Cover your tracks

At some point, everyone’s poo has streaked down the sides of the bowl like a soccer spectator hoping desperately for press coverage. There’s no reason to let the person who follows your toilet tirade see aftermath of that morning’s biscuits and gravy. If need be flush several times to leave a clear path for the next occupant, so be it.

Wash Your Hands…

You slob.

Advertising

Get over it and just poop already.

Your porcelain throne awaits, your majesty.

Pooping at work can be challenging, difficult, and scary, but everyone has to do it, and it will always stink. Unfortunately, the office or professional work environment is where you’ll spend the majority of your time, second only to your house or apartment. So feel powerful when you poop, get excited for excrement, be cool when you crap by using the steps outlined above.

Say goodbye to being defeated by your own defecation, and say hello to pressure release and productivity.

More by this author

These 20 Regrets From People On Their Deathbeds Will Change Your Life This Short Animation Reveals A Brutal Truth About Life That Everyone Should Watch What You Need to Remember to Deal With Loss in Life Opposites Attracts: Couples with Different Characters Work Well There’s A Lot To Reflect On The Way We Date Today

Trending in Work

1 How to Advance Your Career (and the Big Mistakes You May be Making) 2 10 Employee Engagement Ideas to Improve Teamwork 3 How to Become Smarter: 21 Things You Can Do Every Day 4 12 Rules for Self-Management 5 Effective Employee Onboarding (The Complete Guide)

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on October 8, 2019

How to Advance Your Career (and the Big Mistakes You May be Making)

How to Advance Your Career (and the Big Mistakes You May be Making)

The late writer William S. Burroughs once said that “When you stop growing, you start dying.” It might have a morbid undertone, but it’s one hundred percent true in terms of one’s career.

The days of finding a job with one company that you can stick with for 30 years, and simply relax as you move up its company escalator are few and far between in today’s world. This isn’t necessarily bad news. On the contrary, it means that you’re the one in charge of shaping your career advancement.

By putting these principles and behaviors into practice, you’ll begin to see how to advance your career quickly. Ready? Let’s get started…

1. Define What Success Is for You

There’s no right or wrong definition of what success in your career looks like. The important thing is to figure out what success looks like for YOU. It might, and probably will, change along the way, but if you don’t have some sort of milestone on the horizon, then you won’t know which direction to go in.

Think about success in your career in terms of one year, five years, and 10 years. Once you have that, it’s time to lace up your boots and get to work.

2. Learn How to Develop and Follow a Plan

Nobody just stumbles upon success accidentally. Sure, they may stumble upon breakthroughs or new methods accidentally, but all success stories have one thing in common — a plan.

Establish a timeline for the things that you want to achieve in your career in the next year, five years, 10 years, and so on. Consider the skills that you’ll need to learn to make these things happen and work on acquiring them.

3. Surround Yourself With Those Better Than You

It’s a rule of thumb among musicians that if you want to get better, then you need to get out of the bedroom and play with people who are better than you.

Advertising

By surrounding yourself with people who are better than you and where you want to be, you’ll not only see how these people climbed to where they are in their respective fields, but you’ll learn from them and naturally want to push yourself to be better in your own job as well.

4. Seek Out a Mentor(s)

A mentor will not only be able to help you refine and reach your career goals, but will be invaluable in landing promotions and finding unadvertised job openings.

One unique approach is to work on fostering a relationship with a mentor both within and outside of your company. This will help in giving you different perspectives as you rise up through the ranks in your company and career overall.

5. Stop Wasting Your Mornings

You may not think you’re a morning person, but if you can learn to be one, you’ll thank yourself 10 years down the road.

Prepare a to-do list of tasks that you want to accomplish the day before and work on knocking them out for at least one hour before you respond to morning emails. The problem with responding to emails first, is you’re giving your attention to somebody else’s agenda, instead of plotting your own course for the day.

6. Arrange or Attend a Networking Party

If you’re attending networking events simply because you might get a few free drinks, you’re doing them wrong. These events are great for meeting new people and forming relationships. Your goal shouldn’t be to get hired by the end of the night, but to simply make a good impression by being friendly and authentic. So what’s next?

Reach out a few days later via email or on social media to follow up and connect!

7. Pick Up Some New Skills

Nobody wants to be the old dog that can’t learn any new tricks. To move up in your career, you’re going to likely need to pick up new skills along the way. Maybe your company offers on-the-job training or you have the option of taking online classes at night.

Advertising

By learning new skills, you’ll not only be able to expand upon what you can already do, but you’ll make yourself more valuable to your employer and future employers.

8. Exploit the Benefits Already at Your Disposal

Remember what we just said about the possibility of your company providing on-the-job training? Take advantage of these sorts of benefits!

If you’re working for a company that allows you to job shadow other employees or has company mixers, you should attend these. They not only allow you to develop your skills within the company, but show seasoned executives within your field that you’re interested in more than just clocking in for a paycheck.

9. Make Yourself Indispensable

Good help is hard to find and employers want to retain outstanding employees. If you can learn to make yourself indispensable to your company, you’ll not only communicate that you’re successful, but will have a lot more job security. What’s this entail though?

It’s actually not all that difficult. By being reliable, adapting to new challenges, and holding your own work and performance to a high standard, you’ll stand out among your peers and others will take notice. Easy enough, right?

10. Get Off the Fence

People who advance in their careers are those who don’t shy away from voicing their opinion and stand up with authority when the opportunity arises.

If a problem arises in your company and you think you might have a solution or are willing to work to find one, then let others know. Employers value and promote problem solvers. Start off with something small and work your way up towards tackling more difficult tasks and projects.

11. Don’t Wait for More Responsibility, Ask for It

If you want more responsibility in your job, then be open about it with your manager. Your manager may be so busy with their own work that they weren’t aware you were looking for more challenges.

Advertising

Just make sure you can handle it and that you already show strong performance in your current duties. And if your manager doesn’t seem supportive about offering you more responsibility, well, then it could be time to look for new employment.

12. Stop Wasting Time on What You Don’t Want

If your career goals start with “I should do this…” there could be a problem. This kind of language in referring to goals can doom them to failure because the want isn’t there.

Consider using the RUMBA method (Reasonable, Understandable, Measurable, Behavioral and Agreed) when setting your goals. That “agreed” part should really be “want.” By going after career goals that you actually want to accomplish, you’re much more likely to achieve them.

13. Seek Out Feedback and Apply It

Simply doing your job might not always push you up in your career advancement. Too often, employees just assume that their bosses will notice their performance strides and reach out when the time is right to advance.

Don’t be afraid to regularly seek out feedback and ask for constructive criticism. It not only shows that you value your manager’s opinion but demonstrates that you care about your job and want to become better in your chosen field.

14. Pick Your Bosses Wisely

Advancing in your career can move a lot quicker if you’re working for the right people. If your boss isn’t any good at their job or doesn’t value you, then moving up could become difficult.

A great boss though, will be able to help you capitalize on your strengths and be an advocate for your success. If there aren’t any strong developers of talent in your management chain already, then look around for some and seek them out as mentors.

15. Learn to Develop Your Sense of Timing

The odds of asking for a promotion or raise are in your favor with over 70 percent of respondents to a survey from PayScale reporting some success. One thing to keep in mind that can make all the difference is when you ask.

Advertising

Some corporate cultures may prefer that employees reach out about advancement during their annual review, but maybe you work for a more free-spirited startup. The best approach may be to take note of when others advance and ask about how the organization handles employee development.

16. Work Hard and Promote Yourself

Working hard and delivering a solid job performance are the keys to advancing in your career no matter what field you’re in. This doesn’t mean you need to be completely humble about your accomplishments either.

Keep a record of your positive impact within the organization and let others both within your company and your field know that you’re enthusiastic about your role and work.

17. Don’t Just Build Your Network… Cultivate It

It’s way too easy to add new people to your LinkedIn network and then forget about them for all eternity. Rather than just collecting business cards or social media contacts, you should be cultivating relationships with the ones you already have.

Follow up with people that you haven’t spoken to in a while, offer to connect them with somebody you know in their field, or ask about a new job title they may have taken on. Doing so could be the spark that leads to a potential job referral.

18. Join a Professional Organization

The National Association of (insert your industry here) and other professional organizations can still offer a great wealth of advantages from networking to industry insights, and skill development.

Even outside of professional organizations dedicated to particular job fields, civic organizations can also be fantastic for making new contacts. After all, so much about career advancement is who you know, and you never know who you’ll meet who knows somebody else who is looking for someone with your skills and experience.

More About Career Advancement

Featured photo credit: JESHOOTS.COM via unsplash.com

Read Next