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How You Poop At Work Actually Affects Your Productivity

How You Poop At Work Actually Affects Your Productivity

Everybody poops, and sometimes it stinks.

Everybody works, too, and that stinks all the time.

Pooping at work, or in any public place, can be an overwhelming obstacle. Someday you’ll need to overcome the crippling awkwardness of the public plop.

Here are some effective techniques to combat social constipation, toilet paper tyranny, and the discomfort that accompanies the work poop.

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And let’s be honest. If you don’t poop at work, you won’t be comfortable, and if you’re uncomfortable, you’re not going to get s*** done. These tips will help you overcome stall schizophrenia to help boost your work productivity.

Remind yourself of the natural, biological state of poop

Every person you know does it. Your grandma poops. Your high end corporate boss poops, and even your mini dachshund Tootie drops a deuce probably once a day (and you probably have to pick that poop up). Poop may be mysterious, but it’s a natural part of a healthy life. Without getting too graphic, poop needs to happen lest your body retain all it’s waste and you become a bloated irritable mess. Ever been seriously constipated? It’ll only take one bout of that to appreciate every urge to go.

Re-calibrate your ‘colon clock’

Since at least the 1600’s, Americans have been caffeine guzzling machines. As a guy who loves coffee, I understand what my body needs to do almost every day after that first cup goes down the hatch. If this is you, simply change the pattern of your coffee (or tea) intake. Pour your first cup after the 8 am toilet troop has already gone, or drink your coffee during your commute so poop comes before other poopers down their dark roast at their desks.

Bring your Jukebox (iPoo’d) 

Take your mind to a special place when doing your dirty business. This can be even more crucial if you share a “communal” bathroom where stalls are snug. Queue up TNT by AC DC or Full Body Yawn by Walter Mitty & his Makeshift Orchestra (my preferred poop tunes) and let your poopy paranoia fade away. If music isn’t your thing, listen to a podcast or talk show. If you want to avoid things in your ears all together, put some toilet paper down on the seat to create the aversion of a crinkling sound.

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Secret, secret, I got a secret (poop place)

Aside from Caroline from OutKast’s Roses, everyone’s poop stinks (okay, her’s probably does too). You surely don’t like the idea of Ted from the fraud department knowing what your specific scent smells like. Do you work in a floored business facility? Use the bathroom a couple floors above or below you. Even if you’re stall to stall with someone else, chances are high that you don’t actually know them or interact on a daily basis. The cafeteria or cafe is completely empty a 10 AM? Sounds like a perfect excuse to head there, enjoy the tranquility of an empty bathroom, and grab a starchy ripe banana on your way out. Search around and experiment with a few different locations to find the specific places and times which are the least busy. Be sure to keep an eye out for single bathrooms, the sanctuary for defecation.

Break free from technology

This point may seem a bit contradictory to one listed above, but having a quick “drop-n-dart” is essential to overcoming the fear of public pooping. Part of the “drop-n-dart” is limiting distractions so you can focus on the poop at hand (not literally). Removing the use of time wasting apps, crosswords, flash games, and videos is crucial to a successful “drop-n-dart.”

Be weary of reading materials

Things like magazines, books, and newspapers can be dead give aways if you don’t work at a newsstand or a book store. As someone who loves to read while they poop (old school aesthetic), keep an eye out for pocket sized bathroom readers that are easily concealable.

Double check the lock 

It seems obvious, but I haven’t met anyone who wants their boss to accidentally disrupt their stall solitude.  If they walk in on you, expect uncomfortable cooler talk and to be the butt of every joke that week.

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Always bring a match

They’re free almost anywhere and, though some may know what you’re up to when they smell something slightly ashy, it’s preferable to something that smells like two week expired eggnog.

Utilize the No Look Flush

No, I’m not talking about a LeBron James breakway dunk. Sometimes people have a trouble with understanding how something so disgusting (poop) can come out of such a pristine and perfect creature (human). If this is your holdup, simply reach behind you, close your eyes if need be, a flush without giving it a second glance. Never saw it? Never happened.

Cover your tracks

At some point, everyone’s poo has streaked down the sides of the bowl like a soccer spectator hoping desperately for press coverage. There’s no reason to let the person who follows your toilet tirade see aftermath of that morning’s biscuits and gravy. If need be flush several times to leave a clear path for the next occupant, so be it.

Wash Your Hands…

You slob.

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Get over it and just poop already.

Your porcelain throne awaits, your majesty.

Pooping at work can be challenging, difficult, and scary, but everyone has to do it, and it will always stink. Unfortunately, the office or professional work environment is where you’ll spend the majority of your time, second only to your house or apartment. So feel powerful when you poop, get excited for excrement, be cool when you crap by using the steps outlined above.

Say goodbye to being defeated by your own defecation, and say hello to pressure release and productivity.

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Last Updated on April 8, 2020

9 Tips for Starting a New Job and Succeeding in Your Career

9 Tips for Starting a New Job and Succeeding in Your Career

Congratulations, you’re starting a new job! You’re feeling relieved that the interviews and the wait for a decision from the hiring manager is over, and you’ve finally signed the offer.

Feelings of fear and anticipation may surface now as you think about starting work on Monday. Or you may feel really confident if you have plenty of work experience.

Remember to not assume that your new work environment will be similar to previous ones. It’s very common for seasoned professionals to overestimate themselves due to the breadth of their experience.

Companies offer different depths of on-boarding experiences.[1] Ultimately, success in your career depends on you.

Below are 9 tips for starting a new job and succeeding in your career.

1. Your Work Starts Before Your First Day

When you prepared for your interview, you likely did some research about the company. Now it’s time to go more in depth.

  • How would your manager like you to prepare for your first day? What are his/her expectations?
  • What other information can your manager provide so that you can start learning more about the role or company?
  • What company policies or reports can you review that can get you acclimatized to your new job and work environment?

You’ll need to embrace a lot of new people and information when you start your new job. What you learn before your first day at work can help you feel more grounded and prepare your mind to process new information.

2. Know Your Role and the Organization

Review the job posting and know your responsibilities. Sometimes, job postings are simplified versions of the job description. Ask your manager or human resources if there is a detailed job description of your role.

Once you understand your key responsibilities and accountabilities, ask yourself:

  • What questions do you have about the role?
  • What information do you need to do your job effectively?
  • Who do you need to meet and start building relationships with?

Continue to increase your knowledge and do your research through the company Intranet site, organizational charts, the media, LinkedIn profiles, the industry and who your company competitors are.

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This is not a one time event. Continue to do this throughout your time with the company. Every team or project you engage with will evolve and change.

Keep current and be ready to adapt by using your observational skills to be aware of changes to your work environment and people’s behaviour.

3. Learn the Unwritten Rules at Work

Understanding your work culture is key to help you succeed in your career.

Many of these unwritten rules will not be listed on company policies. This means you’ll need to use all of your senses to observe the environment and the people within it.

What should you wear? See what your peers and leaders are wearing. Notice everything from their jewelry down to their shoes. Once you have a good idea of the dress code you can then infuse your own style.

What are your hours of work? What do you notice about start, break and end times? Are your observations different from what you learned at the interview? What questions do you have based on your observations? Asking for clarity will help you make informed decisions and thrive in a new work setting.

What are the main communication channels?[2] What communication mediums do people use (phone, email, in-person, video)? Does the medium change in different work situations? What is your manager’s communication style and preference? These observations will help you better navigate your work environment and thrive in the workplace.

4. Be Mindful of Your Assumptions

You got the job, you’re feeling confident and are eager to show how you can contribute. Check the type of language you are using when you’re approaching your work and sharing your experiences.

I’ve heard many new employees say:

  • “I used to do this at ‘X’ company …”
  • “When I worked at “X” company we implemented this really effective process …”
  • “We did this at my other company … how come you guys are not …”
  • “Why are you doing that … we used to do this …”

People usually don’t want to hear about your past company. The experiences that you had in the past are different in this new environment.

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Remember to:

  • Notice your assumptions
  • Focus on your own work
  • Ask questions, and
  • Learn more about the situation before offering suggestions.

You can then better position yourself as a trusted resource that makes informed decisions tailored to business needs.

5. Ask Questions and Seek Clarification

Contrary to common belief, asking questions when you’re starting a new job is not a vulnerability.

Asking relevant questions related to your job and the company:

  • Helps you clarify expectations
  • Shows that you’ve done your research
  • Demonstrates your initiative to learn

Seeking to clarify and understand your environment and the people within it will help you become more effective at your job.

6. Set Clear Expectations to Develop Your Personal Brand

Starting a new job is the perfect time to set clear expectations with your manager and colleagues. Your actions and behaviors at work tells others about your work style and how you like to operate. So it’s essential to get clear on what feels natural to you at work and ensure that your own values are aligned with your work actions.

Here are a few questions to reflect on so that you can clearly articulate your intentions and follow through with consistent actions:

Where do you need to set expectations? Reflect on lessons learned from your previous work experiences. What types of expectations do you need to set so that you can succeed?

Why are you setting these expectations? You’ll likely need to provide context and justify why you’re setting these boundaries. Are your expectations reasonable? What are the impacts on the business?

What are your values? If you value work life balance, but you’re answering emails on weekends and during your vacation time, people will continue to expect this from you. What boundaries do you need to set for yourself at work?

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What do you want to be known for? This question requires some deep reflection. Do you want to be known as a leader who develops and empowers others? Maybe you want to be known for someone who creates an environment of respect where everyone can openly share ideas. Or maybe you want to be someone who challenges people to get outside their comfort zones?

7. Manage Up, Down, and Across

Understanding the work styles of those around you is key to a successful career. Particularly how you communicate and interact with your immediate manager.

Here are a few key questions to consider:

  • How can you make your manager’s job easier?
  • What can you do to anticipate her/his needs?
  • How can you keep them informed (and prepared) so they don’t get caught off-guard?
  • What are your strengths? How can you communicate these to him/her so that they fully understand your capabilities?

These questions can also apply if you manage a team or if you deal with multiple stakeholders.

8. Build Relationships Throughout the Company

It’s important to keep learning from diverse groups and individuals within the company. You’ll get different perspectives about the organization and others may be able to help you succeed in your role.

What types of relationships do you need to build? Why are you building this relationship?

Here are some examples of workplace relationships:

  • Immediate Manager. He/she controls your work assignments. The work can shape the success of your career.
  • Mentors. These are people who are knowledgeable about their field and the company. They are willing to share their experiences with you to help you navigate the workplace and even your career.
  • Direct Reports. Your staff can influence how successful you are at meeting your goals.
  • Mentees. They are another resource to help you keep informed about the organization and your opportunity to develop others.

Other workplace relationships include team members, stakeholders, or strategic partners/sponsors that will advocate for your work.

Learn more in this article: 10 Ways to Build Positive And Effective Work Relationships

9. Keep in Touch With Those in Your Existing Network

“Success isn’t about how much money you make; it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.” – Michelle Obama

You are part of an ecosystem that has gotten you to where you are today. Every single person and each moment that you have encountered with someone has shaped who you are – both positive and negative.

Here’s How to Network So You’ll Get Way Ahead in Your Professional Life.

Make sure you continue to nurture the relationships that you value and show gratitude to those who have helped you achieve your goals.

Summing It Up

There are many aspects of your career that you are in control of. Observe, listen, and make informed decisions. Career success depends on your actions.

Remember to not assume that your new work environment will be similar to previous ones.

Here are the 9 tips for starting a new job and succeeding in your career:

  1. Your Work Starts Before Your 1st Day
  2. Know Your Role and the Organization
  3. Learn the Unwritten Rules at Work
  4. Be Mindful of Your Assumptions
  5. Ask Questions and Seek Clarification
  6. Set Clear Expectations to Develop Your Personal Brand
  7. Manage Up, Down, and Across
  8. Build Relationships Throughout the Company
  9. Keep in Touch With Those in Your Existing Network

Celebrate, enjoy your new role, and take good care of yourself!

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Featured photo credit: Frank Romero via unsplash.com

Reference

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