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15 Signs You’re Sabotaging Your Happiness

15 Signs You’re Sabotaging Your Happiness

Most of our goals are aimed at finding some version of happiness. Whether it’s getting a kick-ass job, finding a loving partner, or making the perfect frittata, the end goal of every endeavor is happiness. The problem is that our best efforts to find it simply dig us deeper into the ditch.

When it comes to happiness, most of us self-sabotage. In fact, it’s part of our everyday lives. Are you ready to get out of your own way?

1. You listen to your inner critic

Your inner critic is that little nay-saying nag that lives in your head whose sole purpose is to convince you that you suck. If you’ve tried to ignore it, you probably know that it’s easier said than done. The truth is that your inner critic is a strength that’s dialed up too high. It existed at one point to help you feel safe, but as an adult, it no longer serves you. If you try to push it down, it will eventually rear its ugly head in an equally ugly way.

The Solution: Instead of rejecting your inner critic, get curious and listen to what it’s really trying to tell you. What fear is it projecting onto the situation? What do other parts of you have to say in response? No decision is one-sided, so why not go from monologue to dialogue? Allow each voice in your head to have a turn to speak: the angel, the devil, and everything in between.

2. You choose the certainty of where you are over the fear of the unknown

It’s easier to choose a painful certainty than risk the unknown. If you’re unhappy in your current situation, no amount of gratitude or affirmations will help if you don’t actively choose to make it better. And if you’re rationalizing not following your dreams as “being practical” or if you’re still thinking “things really aren’t that bad,” just remember most people only take action when the pain of their current situation becomes greater than their fear of the unknown.

The Solution: You can wait to hit rock-bottom, or you can cut to the part where you embrace change. If you aren’t happy, it’s not sustainable. Eventually, something will have to change. Why not make it on your timeline?

3. You procrastinate

After pulling an all-nighter, a friend in college said to me “Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it’s great until you realize you’re f***ing yourself.” Though crass, she had a good point.

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The Solution: Identify the limiting belief that’s preventing you from taking action. Then, act “as if”. Ask yourself “What would someone who isn’t afraid do?” Acknowledge your discomfort and act anyway. Building a track record will help to dispel the fear, making it easier to take action toward what you truly want.

4. You’re afraid of failure

The fear of failure is nothing more than a desire to feel safe. The problem is that it also keeps us stagnant. We tend to forget that making a mistake doesn’t make you a “failure”. Seen differently, it’s nothing more than a helpful, albeit unpleasant, learning experience.

The Solution: Ask yourself, “What did I learn? What worked? How can I fine-tune things next time?” And if you feel like you’re the only one who’s ever failed, look at every artist, entrepreneur, or virgin, and you’ll be in great company. Christopher Columbus “failed” and he got a holiday named after him. Not too shabby if you ask me.

5. You can’t forgive your past screw-ups

Sure, you’ve made mistakes. Lots of them. Hopefully, you learned from them. But if you’re still holding onto the pain and guilt instead of surrendering and forgiving yourself, it may be time to develop compassion. It can be painful and challenging, but it’s the first step to letting go of your old story and writing a new one.

The Solution: Release it. Beating yourself up simply ensures you’ll never move forward. Since you can’t go back in time, focus on who you want to be and what you want to create in the future.

6. You try to control everything

I used to jokingly say, “I’m not manipulative, I’m an outcome engineer.” While that deep need for control kept me safe, it also kept me stuck. Surrendering an outcome taught me that letting go of what I think I want (whether that be a guy or a job title) creates the space for bigger and better things to flow into my life. If you’re trying to control your partner rather than realizing it’s time to end things, you may be preventing yourself from meeting someone who’s right for you.

The Solution: Trying to control things blocks you from growth and acceptance. Change what you can, surrender what you can’t, and know the difference.

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7. You’re codependent

If you rely on others for happiness, you’re blocking your ability to give it to yourself. Your relationships with others should mirror the happiness and love you have for yourself. Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish. If you’ve ever put others first and then resented them for it, you only have yourself to blame. Sounds harsh, but sometimes setting a boundary is the best way to avoid an emotional hangover.

The Solution: Quit waiting to be saved; it’s time to save yourself. What steps can you take to empower yourself? Maybe it’s time to earn more money, find more friends, or take care of your own needs. And if you’re new to setting boundaries: compromise on little things, not on your values. You can repeat old patterns or choose what’s right for you. To do this, imagine fast-forwarding to the point when you’ll say “hindsight is 20/20.” Think about how you’ll feel an hour, a day, a year from now.

8. You’re exhausted from doing things you don’t want to do

If your social life is more exhausting than exciting, it may be time to re-evaluate your “obligations”. Sure, it may seem like you need to stop by your second cousin’s Christmas party, but if you aren’t making time for yourself, you’re likely to burn out faster than it takes you to down the eggnog. If you’re spending time with people you don’t really like, you may be settling for companionship rather than true friendship. An hour with a negative person is more physically and emotionally exhausting than an hour on the treadmill.

The Solution: Choose where to invest your energy. Still feel the pull of an obligation? Ask yourself, what would someone with self-compassion do in this situation? Sometimes we need to act “as if” until we build the “I deserve greatness” muscle.

9. You blame others

If there’s one thing I learned from my first 10 years in therapy, it’s that everything I blamed someone else for was my fault and everything I blamed myself for was someone else’s fault. Bluntly put, but accurate. This taught me two things:

  • Culpability doesn’t change a situation
  • No matter who’s at fault or who takes responsibility, you have the ability to change your situation

It’s easy to get caught in the “I wish things were different” cycle, but all that does is keep you stuck.

The Solution:Take responsibility, not simply for what happened, but for what you want to create. Self-awareness gives you the courage and humility to take personal responsibility. 

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10. You try to fix people

Even if you could change others, you still wouldn’t be happy. Why? Because it’s less about fixing and more about feeling safe. Accept others for who they are, not who you’d like them to be.

The Solution: Change what you can control: You. That means to adjust your expectations or let them go.

11. You’re a perfectionist

It’s great to do your best, but if your happiness is dependent on the outcome, you’ll set yourself up for disappointment. Nothing is perfect. This symptom of “black and white thinking” is often what holds us back from taking that initial step or being happy with the end result.

The Solution: Ask yourself “Why?” Sure, you want to conquer the world, but if you’re killing yourself in the process you may be achieving in order to feel validated and worthy. What can you do to give that to yourself instead?

12. You compare yourself to others

They often say “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In actuality, it’s an act of violence. You may choose to believe that you are in lack and that others are living amazingly abundant, kick-ass lives. But the truth is that you have no clue what’s going on behind their trendy Facebook check-ins and perfectly put-together outfits. The jealousy you feel is less about what the other person has and more about what you perceive you do not have.

The Solution: Realize that the comparison is not about the other person, but a tool to tell you what you want in life. Inspiration is the healthy byproduct of jealousy. If you’re hyper-focused on what you don’t have, you’ll never notice all the great things you do have. And if you still need to compare, do it with yourself. Aim to get happier, healthier, and stronger than you were the day before.

13. You worry too much about what others think

Most people determine how they’re doing by consciously or unconsciously soliciting other people’s opinions. And since you’re hardwired to try to impress people, you’re usually trying to please those who can’t be moved.

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The Solution: Other people’s views are not more relevant than your own. It doesn’t matter if they are older, more successful, or better educated. Their opinion is simply that: an opinion, nothing more. Decide what’s right for you no matter who disagrees.

14. You’re afraid to ask for help

Nobody knows everything. Most people simply fake it. In a world that encourages self-sufficiency, most of us avoid being vulnerable at all costs. It’s a manifestation of fear, whether it’s a desire to seem perfect, a fear of abandonment, or the need to be liked.

The Solution: There’s no weakness in asking for help. Just be sure to ask the right people. Ask the person who has what you want. Your partner, friends, and parents, though convenient, aren’t necessarily the best sources.

15. You don’t savor the good stuff

It’s easy to focus on problems, what’s going wrong, and the crazy shit other people do. In fact, we overwhelm ourselves with it, making it nearly impossible to see the good stuff.

The Solution: Next time something good happens, stop and actually appreciate it. Slow down and savor it. Notice the nuances: the sights, sounds, and smells that make the moment amazing. You see what you look for. Practice savoring and you’ll be conditioned to notice the things that make you happy and not just the crap that brings you down.

The Takeaway:

Self-sabotage isn’t a one-time act. It’s a process. No one is happy all the time. But if you’re sabotaging your best efforts by judging yourself, avoiding responsibility, or controlling others, you’re ensuring that you’ll stay in this state forever. Ultimately, happiness isn’t just a mood. It’s a lifestyle and a choice.

Featured photo credit: http://www.lifehack.org via lifehack.org

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Last Updated on August 13, 2018

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

Making love can be simultaneously the most pleasurable and the most stressful experience that we share with another human being. It is a natural conclusion of the ritual of intimacy we engage in with a person we find attractive on both a physical and psychological level. Yet, we are far removed from our animalistic roots, and that which was once a matter of instinct has become somewhat complex. This is a good thing; we have grown as a society, and there are many factors involved when it comes to the relationship between sexual partners. However, we have also lost a great deal of the physical prowess our primitive ancestors had.

They engaged in a huge amount of physical activities daily — activities that ensured their cardiovascular system and muscles were in great shape, which allowed them to have healthy libidos, strong erections, and the muscular strength, limberness and endurance to maintain different positions for a long time without getting exhausted. Luckily, we can regain some of these animalistic traits with the right kind of training. Here are some essential exercises that will help improve your relationship, but making you more confident in intimate settings, which means that you’ll have more satisfying intercourse.

Don Juan

    1. Cardio for Stamina

    If you’re out of shape, the first thing you’ll notice during intercourse is that you start to breathe heavily, sweat profusely and tire easily. This means you’ll have to shift your posture frequently and limit yourself to a few positions you feel comfortable with or significantly slow down the pace. A high BMI has also been linked to potential problems with erectile dysfunction. Cardiovascular exercises like running, jumping rope, swimming and cycling will build up your aerobic stamina and enable you to perform longer before becoming fatigued, thus having better intercourse. They’ll also help manage your weight, possibly helping performance.

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    Triathlon symbol
      • Running – 10-20 minutes a day (1-3 miles a day is more than enough)
      • Jumping rope – 5-20 minutes a day
      • Swimming – 30 minutes a day
      • Cycling – 30 minutes a day

      The time in minutes denotes time spent actively performing the exercise, and you need to factor in a bit more time for warming up before and cooling down after the exercises.

      These exercises can be performed every day or every other day, and the goal is to work on both endurance and speed. Don’t just go at a snail’s pace; constantly try to improve your time or add some mileage.

      2. Strength-Training for Your Lower Body and Core

      The next thing you’ll need to focus on is improving both the strength and muscular endurance of the hip flexors, abdominals and spinal erectors. These are the muscles engaged in thrusting and circular motions, and they also stabilize your body in a number of different positions. The legs also play an important role, particularly in standing and kneeling positions. Here are a few exercises that will help you strengthen up this area:

      Barbell squats
        • Heavy barbell squats – set up at a power rack at the gym and make sure you use proper form and weights that you can lift 3-8 times. Do this exercise before anything else in the gym for 4-5 sets to get big and powerful legs, as well as tighten up the muscles of the core. This is useful for both men and women, particularly if you enjoy the woman-on-top positions and standing positions. You can do hack squats on the machine if your gym lacks a power rack, but you won’t get the core-strengthening benefits

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        Zercher squat
          • Zercher squatsthis type of squat is a perfect way for guys to strengthen their body for standing positions where the woman is lifted off the ground. Build up a foundation of strength first, and then use lighter weights and go for 10-12 repetitions to focus on muscle endurance.

          Glute bridge
            • Glute bridgethis exercise is great for working the glutes and hip thrusters, and should be done for ultra-high reps —up to 100 — to increase muscle endurance. Once you become stronger in this movement, you can upgrade to the barbell glute bridge and keep the reps high — around 10 to 15.

            Hyperextensions
              • Hyperextensions – excellent for strengthening the spinal erectors, this exercise (or a variation of it) may be done in most gyms and even at home. Do 2 to 3 sets of 10 to 12 repetitions at the end of your workout.

              Ab wheel rollout
                • Ab wheel rollout – this is a great exercise for strengthening the abs, and requires only a piece of inexpensive equipment. It will help you stay stable and hold positions longer without getting tired during intercourse. Do three sets of this workout for as many repetitions as you can.

                Cross body crunch
                  • Cross body crunchthis exercise improves your ability to perform explosive twisting motions, particularly good for improving your stamina in the spoon position where you’e lying on your side. Do 2 to 3 sets of this exercise at the end of your workout.

                  Incorporate these exercises into your routine 2 to 3 times a week.

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                  3. Upper-Body Strength Training

                  Upper-body strength plays an important role in many popular sex positions where the arms are used to provide a stable base or hold onto the partner. These including missionary, doggy style, the stand and carry (with the woman holding onto the man’s neck) and others. Use these simple exercises to improve upper body strength and endurance:

                  Plank exercise
                    • Plank – while bench pressing is great for building a big chest, you will find yourself in need of static strength, muscle endurance and a strong core. This exercise is a great way to increase the amount of time you are able to hold positions that require you to support yourself with your arms. For added difficulty, straighten out your arms like at the top of a pushup and hold as long as you can.

                    Close grip pushups
                      • Close pushups – a pushup variation that focuses on triceps, which are the first to give out during a prolonged missionary or similar position. Go for very high reps, 20 t0 50, to work on muscle endurance.

                      Chin ups
                        • Chin-ups – A great upper back and biceps builder, this exercise will also target the core if you try to be as straight as possible when lifting yourself up. You can jump to help make things easier, or just hold as long as you can if you aren’t strong enough to perform a single chin up. Do 3 to 4 sets for as many reps as you can.

                        These exercises, done about three times a week, will help you develop a strong upper body that can keep going and hold you up for extended periods of time.

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                        4. Pelvic-Floor Exercises

                        You don’t have to perform these at the gym, although you could do them after your workout without anyone even noticing. The idea behind Kegel exercises is to improve blood flow to the sex organs and strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor in both men and women. By locating these muscles and tightening and relaxing them for intervals of 5 seconds for 10 to 15 repetitions at a time, several times a day, you can improve pleasure and performance during sex. Women can tighten their vaginal walls for increased pleasure to both them and their partner, while men can delay ejaculation by tightening these muscles.

                        5. Flexibility Moves for Legs and Hips

                        Lion stretching

                          If you want to avoid getting cramps — or even worse, pulling a muscle during intercourse — you should do a few simple stretches every day. The more limber you are, the more comfortable you’ll be with more exotic poses. Here are a few simple stretches to improve hip and leg flexibility:

                          Take a few minutes to warm up with some light running or jumping jacks before stretching, and spend some 10 minutes on these stretches. You can do them in the morning and at night, or shortly before intercourse.

                          With just a few hours a week devoted to exercise, you can improve your relationship significantly. If you focus on these exercises, over time, you just might become dynamite in bed.

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