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If You Can’t Stop Doing These 10 Things, You’re Not Ready To Get Married

If You Can’t Stop Doing These 10 Things, You’re Not Ready To Get Married

Tying the knot is a big decision, a life-changing one at that. Then why do we see some people so eager to lock it down as well as some people so afraid of marriage that they convince their friends and relatives to never ever to fall in this trap.

You must have met both the types at some point of your life or other. You may have faced the same dilemma yourself. Wondering whether this person is right for you. You love each other a lot. Nothing can go wrong. And you are gonna live happily ever after. But what if something goes wrong? What if you lose interest in each other after a few years? What will happen to our marriage?

There are no clear cut answers to those questions or definite rules according to which you can decide whether your partner is the right choice or not. But you can definitely decide a few things for yourself. If you can’t stop doing these 10 things, you’re not ready to get married.

1. You keep thinking about a future which you cannot see your partner in.

You want to become a billionaire, buy an island and travel the world but cannot speculate how your partner feels about it. You keep thinking about your own long term goals without showing much interest in his/her aims in life. These things matter a lot. If this is the case with you, you are probably more inclined to lead your life as a lone wolf.

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2. You cannot stand a single dispute or disagreement with your partner.

Instead of trying to work things out, you either tend to shut off or lose your calm and start having second thoughts about your choice. This clearly shows that you are emotionally not ready for any big fights that may come in the future after marriage. You don’t seem to understand the fact that relationships require patience and a lot of work.

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    3. You have trust issues.

    It may be that you were neglected by your mom or dad, betrayed by your best friend or dumped by your ex. You don’t seem to trust anybody other than yourself and you don’t allow anyone to come near you emotionally. You feel guarded that way. You constantly fight the urge to check on your partner’s texts, calls or emails. If you fall in this category, you are definitely not ready to get hitched at the moment.

    4. You totally avoid meeting your partner’s friends and family members.

    You feel alienated and weird around them. If you don’t want to spend a minute more than necessary with your future in-laws, you probably don’t see them as your future in-laws.

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    5. You constantly find ways to get your partner to change and cannot accept/love them for who they are.

    You feel that you do this to better your relationship. But you don’t realize that this will ultimately cause resentment on both sides. You cannot wait for him/her to get inspired to change for the better. You want to take all the matters in your hand. If this sounds familiar, you might want to think again before popping the question.

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      6. You just don’t like sharing.

      Period. Be it food, electricity bills, a new wardrobe, a few chairs, anything. It may be that you are not very confident about the whole idea of getting married, staying together, share your life, etc. You want a clear sense of who owns what.

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        7.  You are really jealous.

        It’s even cute sometimes (in limits). But if you are the person who can go to lengths to make your partner jealous despite the fact that it makes him or her very uneasy, you have huge fights with them because of this habit. If you crack jokes about breaking up or you wish to hook up with someone else, you are surely not marriage material.

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          8. You are indecisive.

          You cannot decide what to have for dinner. You are not so sure of your career choice. You have a hard time believing that someone would ask you about your opinion on something. If this is you, you need a lot of time to even start thinking about your marriage.

          9. You lie.

          Every time. When you are asked the reason of being late. When you are asked a simple question of whether you had your lunch or not. When you are asked to give your partner a lift from workplace. You make silly excuses for various stuff. You just cannot be honest. Maybe you have valid reasons for lying and cheating. But it’s not the way you want to spend your entire life, right?

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            10. You don’t want to deal with your issues and baggage.

            Probably you are too lazy to do so. But this will eventually catch up with you and you can never have a deep relationship with your partner till you clear things from your past up .

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              So, take your own time and decide what’s best for you.

              Featured photo credit: Emily Goodstein via flickr.com

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              Published on April 7, 2021

              6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

              6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

              Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

              While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

              1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

              Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

              If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

              In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

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              2. They Make Everything Transactional

              Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

              For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

              Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

              A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

              Some statements to be wary of include:

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              • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
              • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
              • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
              • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

              3. They Criticize Everything

              One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

              However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

              Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

              • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
              • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
              • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
              • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

              4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

              We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

              For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

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              This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

              5. They Socially Isolate You

              Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

              Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

              This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

              In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

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              6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

              It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

              Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

              Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

              • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
              • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
              • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
              • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

              Final Thoughts

              It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

              More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

              Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

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