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Why “The One” Isn’t The Person Who Loves You Most But Understands You Best

Why “The One” Isn’t The Person Who Loves You Most But Understands You Best

I’ve written a lot of articles about love and relationships lately, and I’ve been really proud of them. If you asked me five years ago, or even two years ago, if I’d know what true love and a quality relationship were, I’d probably laugh in your face. Love is hard to understand unless you experience it yourself – the good and the bad. But thankfully you can read from others’ mistakes and learn some quality lessons that will keep you from getting hurt or wasting time on the wrong person.

When you’re younger, it’s easy to think of love as being the most basic emotion, and therefore the simplest relationship – you love your partner and your partner loves you. In reality, it isn’t that simple. Love can take on many different forms, and it might seem like it’s always a positive emotion, but love can be dangerous and damaging. The wrong person can use love as a weapon. They could hold it against you, and make you act certain ways in order to “earn” their love. They may ask you to be somebody different than you truly are in order to keep their love. This isn’t true love, even though you may feel like this person loves you the most. This person isn’t worth being considered “the one,” because they’re using love as a pawn so they can play a game with you. It isn’t fair for you to live your life in constant fear of losing love just because you might do something your partner would consider “wrong” or “bad” – especially if you’re just being true to yourself.

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True love is unconditional. Your partner, the one who is truly “the one,” doesn’t necessarily love you more than anyone else you’ve ever dated. “The one” is the person who understands you most, because when someone truly understands you, they love you for you. They know how you think about things, how you’ll react in certain situations. When someone understands you, they know how to keep from hurting you. They won’t be inconsiderate or make unreasonable demands because they understand how you’ll feel as a result of these things.

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It’s important that whoever is “the one” also knows all about you. Understanding you is important on one level, because they’ll know how your mind and emotions work, but they also need the deeper understanding of why this is so. They need to know about your childhood and understand the circumstances of you growing up and becoming the adult you are today. They need to know about past relationships – good and bad. They need to know about things you’ve kept secret from even your best friend, because they need to know you fully. Having secrets in a relationship means you haven’t been completely open with your partner; it means that there are things you don’t like about yourself and worry they might be deal breakers in a relationship. This might be true, but whoever is “the one” is not going to consider anything about you to be a deal breaker. They’ll understand that you’re human, you’ve made mistakes – and they’ve made them too! Being totally open with your partner means that you expect them to do the same, and they should. You both need to be on equal ground in a relationship, and that means knowing everything about each other – and accepting it and loving each other regardless.

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Looks turn to wrinkles. Passion fades. Love can come and go, ebb and flow, but a deep understanding is the basis you need for a strong relationship. Make sure whoever you think is “the one” understands you more than anyone else ever has. Make sure you want to confide in them, make sure you want to tell them everything – from mundane happenings during the day, to your biggest dreams and fears. And, most importantly, make sure you’re willing to do the same for them.

Featured photo credit: Wikipedia via upload.wikimedia.org

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The Gentle Art of Saying No

The Gentle Art of Saying No

No!

It’s a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments — you simply spread yourself too thin and will not be able to get anything done, at least not well or on time.

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But requests for your time are coming in all the time — through phone, email, IM or in person. To stay productive, and minimize stress, you have to learn the Gentle Art of Saying No — an art that many people have problems with.

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What’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person, and saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.

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But it doesn’t have to be difficult or hard on your relationship. Here are the Top 10 tips for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No:

  1. Value your time. Know your commitments, and how valuable your precious time is. Then, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know that you simply cannot do it. And tell them that: “I just can’t right now … my plate is overloaded as it is.”
  2. Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
  3. Practice saying no. Practice makes perfect. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the word. And sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no. Eventually, they’ll get the message.
  4. Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.
  5. Stop being nice. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests (that are not on your top priority list) as possible.
  6. Say no to your boss. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss — they’re our boss, right? And if we say “no” then we look like we can’t handle the work — at least, that’s the common reasoning. But in fact, it’s the opposite — explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your productivity and jeopardizing your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask him/her to re-prioritize, explaining that there’s only so much you can take on at one time.
  7. Pre-empting. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that requests are likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting, “Look guys, just to let you know, my week is booked full with some urgent projects and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”
  8. Get back to you. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, simply tell them: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it some consideration.
  9. Maybe later. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say, “This sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me in [give a time frame].” Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands.
  10. It’s not you, it’s me. This classic dating rejection can work in other situations. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time. Simply say so — you can compliment the idea, the project, the person, the organization … but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true — people can sense insincerity.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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