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Nobody Wants Perfect, Flaws are Beautiful

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Nobody Wants Perfect, Flaws are Beautiful

We live in a world of flaws. Ironically, we place a high value on beauty and perfection. Every day, we are bombarded with advertisements featuring perfectly symmetrical and beautiful faces and bodies trying to sell to us. These ads woo us with the promise that if we get what “they” have, we can be as attractive as they are, too. Not only that, we also respond to the subconscious message that the beautiful are happier, richer, nicer, and more popular than the rest of us.

While this may work to get us to buy some products and services, there are a few drawbacks to selling perfection:

We are unable to relate. People who are very beautiful or successful are often seen and treated as “other.” This is also true of people held up as “saints” or moral examples. We may admire them, but have a hard time relating with their “perfection” on a human level.

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Perfection is simply a myth. If you hang around a perfect person long enough, you will quickly realize that they are not as perfect as they first seemed. They have idiosyncrasies and flaws just like we do. It can often be a deeply satisfying experience to learn that someone we admire is flawed. A shared shortcoming is even more powerful, as it helps us to not feel alone in the world. It can also give hope to someone who is struggling with their flaws. It lets them know that they can keep their shortcomings in check and live fulfilling and productive lives.

Perfection is not for sale. When we try to buy perfection, what we are really seeking is human connection. But what’s more human than the shared experience of being both flawed and beautiful?

Why Flaws Are Beautiful

While one aspect of beauty is symmetry, another important aspect is uniqueness. Our flaws are not simply unwelcome nuisances, they are integral parts of our lives. Each of us has our own combination of flaws and struggles that make us who we are. They make us unique, special, and beautiful.

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Flaws come in many flavors. Here are three areas of life in which we experience flaws, as well as ways we can harness their beauty and manage them positively.

Character Flaws

These are the personality flaws that can be as harmless as shyness or as hurtful as habitual lying. To be clear, there is not much beauty to be found in lying, cheating, or exhibiting arrogant behavior. When we see others engaging in such acts, our knee-jerk reaction is to be judgmental. But if we are honest with ourselves, we know that we too have the potential to do similar things under the right circumstances. We may even be able to recall a time in our lives when we fell victim to our own similar flaws. Here is where the beauty lies. It is in the acknowledgement that we can identify, at least in part, with another’s struggle. That in sharing our own struggles, we can strengthen another to help them manage or even overcome destructive behavior that come from their flaws. This beauty expresses the reality that we are all limited and that we need each other.

Some ways to manage character flaws:

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  • Acknowledge the flaw and any associated destructive behavior that is bringing harm to yourself and others.
  • Seek to replace destructive habits with positive ones.
  • Don’t go it alone. Employ the help of friends, loved ones, or professionals.
  • Accept the minor flaws that are not causing undue pain to yourself or others.
  • Seek out ways to help others in similar situations.

Physical Flaws

One of the negative side effects of a culture saturated with images of beautiful people is that it highlights the ways that “we” are not like “them.” My nose is not as straight, my jaw is not as strong, my teeth are not as white, my eyes are too big, my skin is too dark. This list of “flaws” can go on forever, and so can the insecurities that come from them. Some of us may have unusual physical features or scars that we experience as flaws. Know that your beauty comes not only from your physical appearance, but also from loving and embracing your physical uniqueness. Here is another thing to keep in mind: Having a physical feature that is not celebrated by society is not a flaw. It is you. It is me. It is beautiful.

Some tips on physical flaws:

  • Realize that we notice more about ourselves than other people do.
  • Resist the urge to constantly compare yourself with others.
  • Truly accept the beautiful person that you are, “flaws” and all. Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say “I am beautiful!”

Emotional Scars

Our world is not perfect. Sometimes we bump into its imperfection in dramatic ways that can cause emotional scars. All it takes is one traumatic incident to change our lives forever. A person dealing with emotional scars may find it hard to trust, love, or feel safe. There may be a tendency to hide these scars, but healing often comes when we are able to expose them gently to the light. Some of the deepest human connections and bonds happen when we allow others into our most vulnerable spaces. This is beauty.

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Some ways to manage emotional scars:

  • Acknowledge the pain.
  • Do not be afraid to be vulnerable by sharing your story with someone you love and trust.
  • Be patient. Emotional wounds often heal or subside with the passage of time.
  • Seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist.
  • Let go.

May you discover the beauty in your flaws today, and know that you are gorgeous.

Featured photo credit: geralt via pixabay.com

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Cylon George

A spiritual chaplain and blogger who writes about practical spiritual tips for busy people.

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Last Updated on November 18, 2021

10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

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10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

We all fall into the trap of judging a person’s character by their appearance. How wrong we are! All too often, the real character of the person only appears when some negative event hits them or you. Then you may see a toxic person emerging from the ruins and it is often a shock.

A truly frightening example is revealed in the book by O’Toole in Bowman called Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Instincts Betray Us. A perfectly respectable, charming, well dressed neighbor was found to have installed a torture chamber in his garage where he was systematically abusing kidnapped women. This is an extreme example, but it does show how we can be totally deceived by a person’s physical appearance, manners and behavior.

So, what can you do? You want to be able to assess personal qualities when you come into contact with colleagues, fresh acquaintances and new friends who might even become lifelong partners. You want to know if they are:

  • honest
  • reliable
  • competent
  • kind and compassionate
  • capable of taking the blame
  • able to persevere
  • modest and humble
  • pacific and can control anger.

The secret is to reserve judgment and take your time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. This is not foolproof, but if you follow the 10 ways below, you have a pretty good chance of not ending up in an abusive relationship.

1. Is anger a frequent occurrence?

All too often, angry reactions which may seem to be excessive are a sign that there are underlying issues. Do not think that every person who just snaps and throws his/her weight around mentally and physically is just reacting normally. Everyone has an occasional angry outburst when driving or when things go pear-shaped.

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But if this is almost a daily occurrence, then you need to discover why and maybe avoid that person. Too often, anger will escalate to violent and aggressive behavior. You do not want to be near someone who thinks violence can solve personal or global problems.

2. Can you witness acts of kindness?

How often do you see this person being kind and considerate? Do they give money to beggars, donate to charity, do voluntary work or in some simple way show that they are willing to share the planet with about 7 billion other people?

I was shocked when a guest of mine never showed any kindness to the weak and disadvantaged people in our town. She was ostensibly a religious person, but I began to doubt the sincerity of her beliefs.

“The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.”

Abigail Van Buren

3. How does this person take the blame?

Maybe you know that s/he is responsible for a screw-up in the office or even in not turning up on time for a date. Look at their reaction. If they start blaming other colleagues or the traffic, well, this is an indication that they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes.

4. Don’t use Facebook as an indicator.

You will be relieved to know that graphology (the study of that forgotten skill of handwriting) is no longer considered a reliable test of a person’s character. Neither is Facebook stalking, fortunately. A study showed that Facebook use of foul language, sexual innuendo and gossip were not reliable indicators of a candidate’s character or future performance in the workplace.

5. Read their emails.

Now a much better idea is to read the person’s emails. Studies show that the use of the following can indicate certain personality traits:

  • Too many exclamation points may reveal a sunny disposition
  • Frequent errors may indicate apathy
  • Use of smileys is the only way a person can smile at you
  • Use of the third person may reveal a certain formality
  • Too many question marks can show anger
  • Overuse of capital letters is regarded as shouting. They are a definite no-no in netiquette, yet a surprising number of  people still use them.

6. Watch out for the show offs.

Listen to people as they talk. How often do they mention their achievements, promotions, awards and successes? If this happens a lot, it is a sure indication that this person has an over-inflated view of his/her achievements. They are unlikely to be modest or show humility. What a pity!  Another person to avoid.

7. Look for evidence of perseverance.

A powerful indicator of grit and tenacity is when a person persists and never gives up when they really want to achieve a life goal. Look for evidence of them keeping going in spite of enormous difficulties.

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Great achievements by scientists and inventors all bear the hallmark of perseverance. We only have to think of Einstein, Edison (who failed thousands of times) and Nelson Mandela to get inspiration. The US Department of Education is in no doubt about how grit, tenacity and perseverance will be key success factors for youth in the 21st century.

8. Their empathy score is high.

Listen to how they talk about the less fortunate members of our society such as the poor, immigrants and the disabled. Do you notice that they talk in a compassionate way about these people? The fact that they even mention them is a strong indicator of empathy.

People with zero empathy will never talk about the disadvantaged. They will rarely ask you a question about a difficult time or relationship. They will usually steer the conversation back to themselves. These people have zero empathy and in extreme cases, they are psychopaths who never show any feelings towards their victims.

9. Learn how to be socially interactive.

We are social animals and this is what makes us so uniquely human. If a person is isolated or a loner, this may be a negative indicator of their character. You want to meet a person who knows about trust, honesty and loyalty. The only way to practice these great qualities is to actually interact socially. The great advantage is that you can share problems and celebrate success and joy together.

“One can acquire everything in solitude, except character.”

Stendhal

 10. Avoid toxic people.

These people are trying to control others and often are failing to come to terms with their own failures. Typical behavior and conversations may concern:

  • Envy or jealousy
  • Criticism of partners, colleagues and friends
  • Complaining about their own lack of success
  • Blaming others for their own bad luck or failure
  • Obsession with themselves and their problems

Listen to these people talk and you will quickly discover that you need to avoid them at all costs because their negativity will drag you down. In addition, as much as you would like to help them, you are not qualified to do so.

Now, having looked at some of the best ways to judge a person, what about yourself? How do others see you? Why not take Dr. Phil’s quiz and find out. Can you bear it?

Featured photo credit: Jacek Dylag via unsplash.com

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