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Don’t be Discouraged if You Ever Feel Like you Fall Behind in Life

Don’t be Discouraged if You Ever Feel Like you Fall Behind in Life

Everything’s humming along fine in your life, when suddenly you land on the website of a peer, and a note on the home page informs you that they’ve just won a prestigious award and landed a book deal.

Or you’re on Facebook, in a pretty good mood, until your glance lands on a status update from a high school acquaintance, crowing about how well their latest Oprah interview went.

Or you meet someone at a party and discover they started a business in the same niche as you, a few years after you did. You’re ready to start dispensing some helpful wisdom, until you discover that their business growth has been exponential–a hockey stick, compared to your slow upward curve.

It makes your stomach clench, that discouraging feeling that everyone else is blasting forward, while you’re falling behind in the race of life.

The Comparison Trap

I call this the Comparison Trap, and sometimes I feel like I step into it daily. (Sometimes several times a day!)

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The thing is, living in an online universe, we’re regularly flooded with shining examples of people who are steps ahead of us. Heck, as a podcaster, I’m regularly interviewing heroes of mine, people who seem way beyond me at creating their vision, developing their business, achieving their dream. Envy, that familiar green face, rears its ugly head, and it’s all too easy to feel badly about myself for not making as much money/for not being as prolific/for not having as large a following/for not being as successful as the person I admire.

It’s an interesting position to be in: the internet has made it so easy to find role models to inspire us, which is certainly a blessing! But the blessing comes with a curse: now we’re all in a prime position to be caught in the Comparison Trap, consumed with envy and bad feelings.

“Why does [Person X] get all the luck?” you might think, and conclude “I am such a loser in comparison!”

Some days it’s enough to make a person want to crawl into a cave. “Compare and Despair Syndrome,” I’ve heard it called, because that’s what we do: we compare ourselves to others, and we despair.

How to Armor Up Against Compare and Despair Syndrome

I’ve come to the conclusion that my struggle with envy and the Comparison Trap may plague me in one way or another for the rest of my life. But that’s okay, because when you understand your adversary, you can better arm yourself against it.

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My armor? Anything and everything that will help me remember the Benign Reality: That I am really and truly okay. That my value lies in my uniqueness. That the more I vibrate at my own energy and follow my own, unique path, the more I will attract the people that resonate with me and situations that benefit me.

The components of this armor include:

1. A team of champions — people who love me and believe in me, even when I can’t believe in myself. (Anyone who doesn’t qualify can — and should — be weeded from my friendship garden with impunity.)

2. Teachers and sages who remind me of Benign Reality, whether in person or in print.

3. Mantras/affirmations/validations — whatever you want to call them. Combinations of words that remind me of my worth.

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4. Inspirational art/music/poetry to buoy me up.

And most of all:

5. The understanding that comparing myself to others is never useful. Each of us is truly incomparable!

As Martha Graham is credited as saying:

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

To help myself remember, I created the calligraphic artwork below, from this mantra that sprang into my head: “Why compare myself to others? There’s no comparison!” I hope you find it helpful!

Why compare myself to others? There's no comparison!

    Now go forth and be you!

    Featured photo credit: Philadelphia Bike Race – flying off Lemon Hill by bk at Flickr via flickr.com

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    Last Updated on September 17, 2018

    7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

    7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

    Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

    Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

    When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

    Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

    1. You’re depressed about your home life.

    No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

    However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

    If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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    When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

    You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

    2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

    Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

    If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

    You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

    If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

    3. You can’t stop snooping.

    Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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    I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

    Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

    So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

    It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

    If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

    4. You’re afraid of commitment.

    If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

    Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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    No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

    If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

    Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

    5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

    If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

    Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

    Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

    Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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    If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

    6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

    When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

    When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

    If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

    7. You chase past feelings.

    It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

    You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

    When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

    Final thoughts

    If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

    Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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