Advertising
Advertising

Date Someone Who Can Do These 10 Things To Make You Happy

Date Someone Who Can Do These 10 Things To Make You Happy

As a therapist who specializes in relationships, I can’t help but notice several skills and personality features that can make or break a relationship.  No, this is not going to be an article about making sure to find a rich guy who likes to spoon or a hot girl who likes to watch football.  These 10 skills are what make couples feel satisfied, connected, and happy with each other regardless of their superficial characteristics.  If you have a partner who can do all 10 of these, (and you are able to do them as well), your will have a very satisfying relationship:

1. Date someone who can delay gratification.

In other words, the ability to do an unpleasant thing instead of an enjoyable thing in order to achieve a more-important benefit. Being in a healthy partnership means being able to suck it up and deal with all kinds of unpleasant things (embarrassment, vulnerability, taking out the trash, resisting acting on angry impulses, actively listening instead of playing video games, running a boring errand, etc.) for the sake of the other person and for the sake of the relationship.

Advertising

2. Date someone who can be present.

Relationships suffer when one or both partners is not able to engage in the moment with the other person.  Of course we are all busy and can’t exactly sit around staring at our partners quietly all day long, but the ability to genuinely listen to and focus on the other person at least a few times a week is important.  If your significant other is unable to unplug, disconnect from distraction, and engage in interacting with you, this could lead to loneliness down the road.  Also, people who are able to be present and attentive to one thing are excellent listeners, since they are simply in the moment focused on what the other person is saying.

3. Date someone who makes you feel emotionally safe.

Being “emotionally safe” with your significant other means that you are comfortable being vulnerable, making direct requests, and being yourself in his/her presence.  If you have a partner who criticizes, is defensive, talks you out of your feelings (is invalidating), or is often annoyed or condescending toward you, you will eventually grow to feel “emotionally unsafe” in that relationship. Partners who feel emotionally unsafe feel disconnected and powerless at best, and depressed and miserable at worst.  If your partner is open to hear what you have to say (even when s/he does not like it), does not act defensive or critical of you, feels that your emotions are understandable, and considers your requests and desires, s/he has the ability to make you feel emotionally safe.

Advertising

4. Date someone who can tolerate not being in control.

A healthy, happy relationship consists of two people who can tolerate the feeling of not being in control once in a while. This skill is required in many situations, from  letting someone else choose the paint color for the bathroom, to letting someone else openly share feelings that can’t exactly be “fixed.”

5. Date someone who can take control when necessary.

There are some people who struggle with being responsible for decisions and actions.  Whether it is calling the plumber when the sink is leaking, or resisting buying a new sofa because it isn’t in the budget, the ability to be “in charge” and “proactive” is a positive quality in a partner.

Advertising

6. Date someone who knows and appropriately communicate his/her feelings.

Emotionally-aware partners are able to pinpoint that they are feeling disrespected, ignored, or lonely instead of simply flying off in a reactive, non-constructive rage.  If your partner is emotionally aware enough to understand his/her feelings, this is a good sign for your relationship.

7. Date someone who knows and appropriately communicates his/her needs.

If your partner is able to directly request his/her needs without criticism, yelling, passivity, aggression, or passive-aggression, this is a great sign. If your partner calmly makes specific requests for you to change a behavior without making you feel inadequate or inferior, you probably have a keeper on your hands.

Advertising

8. Date someone who can be humble.

Humility is required during the process of forgiving someone else for their mistakes and during the process of asking for forgivness from someone else.  In a happy, healthy relationship, both people are able to abandon ego and pride when necessary.

9. Date someone who can tolerate emotional intimacy and togetherness.

In a happy, healthy partnership, both people are comfortable sharing emotions, thoughts, and needs.  If a problem arises, they are comfortable discussing it instead of avoiding it and pretending it doesn’t exist.  They share vulnerabilities, fears, successes, and life goals comfortably.

10.  Date someone who can tolerate separateness.

The ability to tolerate separateness means that he/she is comfortable doing things on his/her own.  And when you are doing things on your own, he/she is not texting or calling you constantly.  Being able to be on your own once in a while without experiencing anxiety is a sign of security and trust.

Featured photo credit: taliesin via morguefile.com

More by this author

Date Someone Who Can Do These 10 Things To Make You Happy 8 Practical Tips for Parents of Kids with ADHD 12 Ways To Teach Your Children The Skill Of Empathy 8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Spouse The Best Thing a Parent Can do for a Highly Emotional Child.

Trending in Communication

1 Why an Attitude of Gratitude Is Essential (And How to Develop It) 2 Procrastination Is a Matter of Emotion, Here’s How to Stop It 3 What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It) 4 How to Get Unstuck in Life and Live a More Fulfilling Life 5 What Will Happen When You Surround Yourself With Positive People?

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on March 30, 2020

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like your nerves simply couldn’t handle it? Your heart beats fast, you start to sweat, and you feel like all eyes are on you (even if they’re really not). This is just one of the many ways that being self-conscious can rear its ugly head.

You may not even realize you’re self-conscious, and you may be wondering, “What does self-conscious mean?” That’s a good place to start.

This article will define self-consciousness, show how practically everyone has faced it at one point or another, and give you tips to avoid it.

What Does Self-Conscious Mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-conscious is defined as “conscious of one’s own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself.”[1]

Not so bad, right? There’s another definition, though — one that speaks more to what you’re going through: “feeling uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others.” For those of us who regularly deal with extreme self-consciousness, that second definition sounds about right.

There are many different ways self-consciousness can spring up. You may feel self-conscious around people you know, like your family members or closest friends. You may feel self-conscious at work, even though you spend hours every week around your co-workers. Or you may feel self-conscious when out in public and surrounded by strangers. However, you probably don’t feel self-conscious when you’re home alone.

How to Stop Being Too Self-Conscious

When you’re in the throes of self-consciousness, it’s nearly impossible to remember how to stop feeling that way. That’s why it’s so important to prepare ahead of time, when you’re feeling ready to tackle the problem instead of succumbing to it.

Here are a variety of ways to feel better about yourself and stop thinking about how others see you.

Advertising

1. Ask Yourself, “So What?”

One way to banish negative, self-conscious thoughts is to do just that: banish them.

The next time you walk into a room and feel your face getting red, think to yourself, “So what?” How much does it really matter if people don’t like how you look or act? What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of the time, you’ll find that you don’t have a good answer to this question. Then, you can immediately start assigning such thoughts less importance. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge that your negative thoughts are present and realize that you don’t agree with them.[2] They’re just thoughts, after all.

2. Be Honest

A lie that self-consciousness might tell is that there’s one way to act or feel. Honestly, though, everyone else is just figuring life out as well. There isn’t a preferred way to show up to an event, gathering, or public place. What you can do is be honest with your feelings and thoughts.[3]

If you feel offended by something someone says, you don’t have to smile to be polite or laugh to fit in with the crowd. Instead, you can politely say why you disagree or excuse yourself and find a group of people who you relate to better. If you’re nervous, don’t overcompensate by trying to look relaxed and casual — it’ll be obvious you’re putting on a front. Instead, nothing is more endearing than saying, “I’m a little nervous!” to a room of people who probably feel the exact same way.

On the same note, if you don’t understand why someone wants you to do something, question it. You can do this at work, at home, or even with people you don’t know well. Nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Also, even if you’re willing to do what’s asked of you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more clarification. People will realize that you’re not a person to be bossed around.

3. Understand Why You’re Struggling at Work

Being self-conscious at work can get in the way of your daily responsibilities, your relationships with co-workers, and even your career as a whole. If you’re facing some sort of conflict but you’re too nervous to speak up, you may be at the whim of what happens to you instead of taking some control.

Advertising

If you’re usually confident at work, you may be wondering where this new self-consciousness is coming from. It’s possible that you’re dealing with burnout.[4] Common signs are anxiety, fatigue and distraction, all of which can leave you feeling under-confident.

4. Succeed at Something

When you create success in your life, it’s easier to feel confident[5] and less self-conscious. If you feel self-conscious at work, finish the project that’s been looming over your head. If you feel self-conscious in the gym, complete an advanced workout class.

Exposing yourself to what you’re scared of and then succeeding at it in some way (even just by finishing it) can do wonders for your self-esteem. The more confidence you build, the more likely you are to have more success in the future, which will create a cycle of confidence-building.

5. Treat All of You — Not Just Your Self-Consciousness

Trying to solve your self-consciousness alone may not treat the root of the problem. Instead, take a well-rounded approach to lower your self-consciousness and build confidence in areas where you may struggle.

Even professional counselors are embracing this holistic type of treatment[6] because they feel that the health of the mind and body are inextricably linked. This approach combines physical, spiritual, and psychological components. Common activities and treatments include meditation, yoga, massage, and healthy changes to diet and exercise.

If much of this is new to you, it will pay to give it a try. You never know how it will impact you.

If you’re feeling self-conscious about how your body looks, a massage that makes you feel great could boost your confidence. If you try a new workout, you could have something exciting to talk about the next time you’re in a group setting.

Putting yourself in a new situation and learning that you can get through it with grace can give you the confidence to get through all sorts of events and nerve-wracking moments.

Advertising

6. Make the Changes That Are Within Your Control

Let’s say you walk into a room and you’re self-conscious about how you look. However, you may have put a lot of time and effort into your outfit. Even though it may stand out, this is how you have chosen to express yourself.

You have to work on your internal confidence, not your external appearance. There’s nothing to change other than your outlook.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something that you don’t like about yourself that you can change. For example, maybe you hate how a birthmark on your face looks or have varicose veins that you think are unsightly. If you can do something about these things, do it! There’s nothing wrong with changing your appearance (or skills, education, etc.) if it’s going to make you more confident.

You don’t have to accept your current situation for acceptance’s sake. There’s no award for putting up with something you hate. Confidence is also required to make changes that are scary, even if they’re for the better. Plus, it may be an easier fix than you thought. For example, treating varicose veins doesn’t have to involve surgery — sometimes simple compression stockings will take care of the problem.[7]

7. Realize That Everyone Has Awkward Moments

Everyone has said something awkward to someone else and lived to tell the tale. We’ve all forgotten somebody’s name or said, “You too!” when the concession stand girl says to enjoy our movie. Not only are these things uber-common, but they’re not nearly as embarrassing as you feel they are.

Think about how you react when someone else does something awkward. Do you think, “Wow, that person’s such a loser!” or do you think, “What a relief, I’m not the only one who does that.” Chances are good that’s the same reaction others have to you when you stumble.

Remember, self-consciousness is a state of mind that you have control over. You don’t have to feel this way. Do what you need to in order to build your confidence, put your self-consciousness in perspective, and start exercising your “I feel awesome about myself” muscle. It’ll get easier with time.

When Is Being Self-Conscious a Good Thing?

Self-consciousness can sometimes be a good thing[8], but you have to take the awkwardness and nerves out of it.

Advertising

In this case, “self-aware” is a much better term. Knowing how you come off to people is an excellent trait; you’ll be able to read a room and understand how what you do and say affects others. These are fantastic skills for people work and personal relationships.

Self-awareness helps you dress appropriately for the occasion, tells you that you’re talking too loud or not loud enough, and guides a conversation so you don’t offend or bore anyone.

It’s not about being someone you’re not — that can actually have adverse effects, just like self-consciousness. Instead, it’s about turning up certain aspects of yourself to perform well in the situation.

Final Thoughts

When you’re self-conscious, you’re constantly battling with yourself in an effort to control how other people view you. You try to change yourself to suit what you think other people want to see.

The truth, though, is that you can’t actually control how other people view you — and you may not even be correct about how they view you in the first place.

Being confident doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it happens in small steps as you slowly build your confidence and say “no” to your self-consciousness. It also requires accepting that you’re going to feel self-conscious sometimes, and that’s okay.

Sometimes worrying that there is a problem can be more stressful than the problem itself. Feeling bad for feeling self-conscious can be more troublesome than simply feeling it and getting on with the day.

Forgive yourself for being human and make the small changes that will lead to better confidence in the future.

More Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Merriam-Webster: Self-conscious
[2] Bustle: 7 Tips On How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious
[3] Marc and Angel: 10 Things to Remember When You Feel Unsure of Yourself
[4] Bostitch: How to Protect Small Businesses From Burnout
[5] Psychology Today: Self-conscious? Get Over It
[6] Wake Forest University: Embracing Holistic Medicine
[7] Center for Vein Restoration: What Causes Venous Ulcers, and How Are They Treated?
[8] Scientific American: The Pros and Cons of Being Self-Aware

Read Next