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Date Someone Who Can Do These 10 Things To Make You Happy

Date Someone Who Can Do These 10 Things To Make You Happy

As a therapist who specializes in relationships, I can’t help but notice several skills and personality features that can make or break a relationship.  No, this is not going to be an article about making sure to find a rich guy who likes to spoon or a hot girl who likes to watch football.  These 10 skills are what make couples feel satisfied, connected, and happy with each other regardless of their superficial characteristics.  If you have a partner who can do all 10 of these, (and you are able to do them as well), your will have a very satisfying relationship:

1. Date someone who can delay gratification.

In other words, the ability to do an unpleasant thing instead of an enjoyable thing in order to achieve a more-important benefit. Being in a healthy partnership means being able to suck it up and deal with all kinds of unpleasant things (embarrassment, vulnerability, taking out the trash, resisting acting on angry impulses, actively listening instead of playing video games, running a boring errand, etc.) for the sake of the other person and for the sake of the relationship.

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2. Date someone who can be present.

Relationships suffer when one or both partners is not able to engage in the moment with the other person.  Of course we are all busy and can’t exactly sit around staring at our partners quietly all day long, but the ability to genuinely listen to and focus on the other person at least a few times a week is important.  If your significant other is unable to unplug, disconnect from distraction, and engage in interacting with you, this could lead to loneliness down the road.  Also, people who are able to be present and attentive to one thing are excellent listeners, since they are simply in the moment focused on what the other person is saying.

3. Date someone who makes you feel emotionally safe.

Being “emotionally safe” with your significant other means that you are comfortable being vulnerable, making direct requests, and being yourself in his/her presence.  If you have a partner who criticizes, is defensive, talks you out of your feelings (is invalidating), or is often annoyed or condescending toward you, you will eventually grow to feel “emotionally unsafe” in that relationship. Partners who feel emotionally unsafe feel disconnected and powerless at best, and depressed and miserable at worst.  If your partner is open to hear what you have to say (even when s/he does not like it), does not act defensive or critical of you, feels that your emotions are understandable, and considers your requests and desires, s/he has the ability to make you feel emotionally safe.

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4. Date someone who can tolerate not being in control.

A healthy, happy relationship consists of two people who can tolerate the feeling of not being in control once in a while. This skill is required in many situations, from  letting someone else choose the paint color for the bathroom, to letting someone else openly share feelings that can’t exactly be “fixed.”

5. Date someone who can take control when necessary.

There are some people who struggle with being responsible for decisions and actions.  Whether it is calling the plumber when the sink is leaking, or resisting buying a new sofa because it isn’t in the budget, the ability to be “in charge” and “proactive” is a positive quality in a partner.

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6. Date someone who knows and appropriately communicate his/her feelings.

Emotionally-aware partners are able to pinpoint that they are feeling disrespected, ignored, or lonely instead of simply flying off in a reactive, non-constructive rage.  If your partner is emotionally aware enough to understand his/her feelings, this is a good sign for your relationship.

7. Date someone who knows and appropriately communicates his/her needs.

If your partner is able to directly request his/her needs without criticism, yelling, passivity, aggression, or passive-aggression, this is a great sign. If your partner calmly makes specific requests for you to change a behavior without making you feel inadequate or inferior, you probably have a keeper on your hands.

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8. Date someone who can be humble.

Humility is required during the process of forgiving someone else for their mistakes and during the process of asking for forgivness from someone else.  In a happy, healthy relationship, both people are able to abandon ego and pride when necessary.

9. Date someone who can tolerate emotional intimacy and togetherness.

In a happy, healthy partnership, both people are comfortable sharing emotions, thoughts, and needs.  If a problem arises, they are comfortable discussing it instead of avoiding it and pretending it doesn’t exist.  They share vulnerabilities, fears, successes, and life goals comfortably.

10.  Date someone who can tolerate separateness.

The ability to tolerate separateness means that he/she is comfortable doing things on his/her own.  And when you are doing things on your own, he/she is not texting or calling you constantly.  Being able to be on your own once in a while without experiencing anxiety is a sign of security and trust.

Featured photo credit: taliesin via morguefile.com

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Last Updated on July 3, 2020

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

In today’s world, true peace must come from within us and our own actions. Here are 30 small things you can do on a regular basis to increase your overall sense of harmony, peace, and well-being:

1. Don’t go to every fight you’re invited to

Particularly when you’re around those who thrive on chaos, be willing to decline the invitation to join in on the drama.

2. Focus on your breath

Throughout the day, stop to take a few deep breaths. Keep stress at bay with techniques such as “square breathing.” Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, then out for four counts, and hold again for four counts. Repeat this cycle four times.

3. Get organized and purge old items

A cluttered space often creates a cluttered spirit. Take the time to get rid of anything you haven’t used in a year and invest in organizational systems that help you sustain a level of neatness.

4. Stop yourself from being judgmental

Whenever you are tempted to have an opinion about someone else’s life, check your intentions. Judging others creates and promotes negative energy.

5. Say ‘thank you’ early and often

Start and end each day with an attitude of gratitude. Look for opportunities in your daily routine and interactions to express appreciation.

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6. Smile more

Even if you have to “fake it until you make it,” there are many scientific benefits of smiling and laughing. Also, pay attention to your facial expression when you are doing neutral activities such as driving and walking. Turn that frown upside down!

7. Don’t worry about the future

As difficult as this sounds, there is a direct connection between staying in the present and living a more peaceful life. You cannot control the future. As the old proverb goes, “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Practice gently bringing your thoughts back to the present.

8. Eat real food

The closer the food is to the state from which it came from the earth, the better you will feel in eating it. Choose foods that grew from a plant over food that was made in a plant.

9. Choose being happy over being right

Too often, we sacrifice inner peace in order to make a point. It’s rarely worth it.

10. Keep technology out of the bedroom

Many studies, such as one conducted by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, have connected blue light of electronic devices before bed to adverse sleep and overall health. To make matters worse, many people report that they cannot resist checking email and social media when their cell phone is in reach of their bed, regardless of the time.

11. Make use of filtering features on social media

You may not want to “unfriend” someone completely, however you can choose whether you want to follow their posts and/or the sources of information that they share.

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12. Get comfortable with silence

When you picture someone who is the ultimate state of peace, typically they aren’t talking.

13. Listen to understand, not to respond

So often in conversations, we use our ears to give us cues about when it is our turn to say what we want to say. Practice active listening, ask questions, process, then speak.

14. Put your troubles in a bubble

Whenever you start to feel anxious, visualize the situation being wrapped in a bubble and then picture that sphere floating away.

15. Speak more slowly

Often a lack of peace manifests itself in fast or clipped speech. Take a breath, slow down, and let your thoughtful consideration drive your words.

16. Don’t procrastinate

Nothing adds stress to our lives like waiting until the last minute.

17. Buy a coloring book

Mandala coloring books for adults are becoming more popular because of their connection to creating inner peace.

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18. Prioritize yourself

You are the only person who you are guaranteed to live with 24 hours a day for the rest of your life.

19. Forgive others

Holding a grudge is hurting you exponentially more than anyone else. Let it go.

20. Check your expectations

Presumption often leads to drama. Remember the old saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

21. Engage in active play

Let your inner child come out and have some fun. Jump, dance, play, and pretend!

22. Stop criticizing yourself

The world is a hard enough place with more than enough critics. Your life is not served well by being one of them.

23. Focus your energy and attention on what you want

Thoughts, words, and actions all create energy. Energy attracts like energy. Put out what you want to get back.

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24. Assign yourself “complaint free” days.

Make a conscious decision not to complain about anything for a whole day. It might be harder than you think and the awareness will stick with you.

25. Surround yourself with people you truly enjoy being in the company of

Personalities tend to be contagious, and not everyone’s is worth catching. Be judicious in your choices.

26. Manage your money

Financial concerns rank top on the list of what causes people stress. Take the time each month to do a budget, calculate what you actually spend and sanity check that against the money you have coming in.

27. Stop trying to control everything

Not only is your inner control freak sabotaging your sense of peace, it is also likely getting in the way of external relationships as well.

28. Practice affirmations

Repeat positive phrases that depict the life and qualities you want to attract. It may not come naturally to you, but it works.

29. Get up before sunrise

Personally witnessing the dawn brings a unique sense of awe and appreciation for life.

30. Be yourself

Nothing creates more inner discord than trying to be something other than who we really are. Authenticity breeds happiness.

Featured photo credit: man watching sunrise via stokpic.com

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