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Advice for Newlyweds: 5 Main Sources of Conflict and Steps to Resolve Them

Advice for Newlyweds: 5 Main Sources of Conflict and Steps to Resolve Them

In the US, couples tying the knot spend on average $20,000 on their wedding. Meanwhile, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

Although “happily ever after” is not guaranteed–no matter what type of wedding you have–there are things you can do to make it more likely. Because disagreement is normal, the ability to fight fair is key.

For newlyweds and others looking to build a healthy relationship, here are the five main sources of conflict and steps to resolve them:

Source of conflict #1: Clashing values and priorities.

Before you make any long-term commitment, explore whether you have compatible values and priorities. Do you both want kids? Do you have shared financial goals? Are the dreams and vision you have for your relationship in line with your partner’s?

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Ignoring the warning signs or failing to evaluate whether your partner meets your must-haves often leads to frustration when the novelty of the relationship wears off.

Solution: Establish mutually agreed upon standards before tension mounts.

When you have a disagreement, stick to the issue at hand and don’t bring up old, unresolved problems. Listen with empathy and stay open to alternatives. Pick your battles; a disagreement doesn’t always require a drawn-out argument or lengthy discussion.

Accept that each of you has different backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. Having and showing respect for each other is critical. Realize you will likely need to exercise mutually acceptable options, instead of getting all your preferences met.

Source of conflict #2: Money issues.

Studies show that money is the number one problem in marriages and the primary cause of divorce. Merging two lives forces you to scrutinize your spending habits because it’s bound to affect the other, even if you each earn your own income.

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Solution: Resolve financial issues right off the bat.

It’s always best to discuss money matters before you marry or make any other long-term commitment.  If you postponed the talk, do it as soon as possible thereafter. Discuss each other’s personal debt and come up with a plan to settle it.

Keep a separate account for your individual expenses to maintain your financial freedom. Agree on how you will use your joint account for shared expenses. Create a realistic household budget and set ground rules for how you will manage it. Live within your means and don’t make excuses for buying expensive things you really can’t afford.

Source of conflict #3 : Unmet expectations.

Making wedding plans, including the guest list, flowers, cake and location, are trivial matters compared to agreements you make about your relationship. Unmet expectations–from how your partner greets you in the morning to the type of support he provides when you’re feeling down–can lead you to be critical and judgmental.

Solution: Make direct requests.

Commit to building a strong foundation through open, honest, and daily communication. Your partner is not a mind-reader. Make direct requests for what you want and need, rather than complain about what’s missing. Refrain from personal attacks and name-calling. Discuss the behavior and actions that upset you and the changes you would like to see.

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Having the capacity and willingness to grow together is a vital ingredient in committed relationships. But while you can expect your spouse to change through his or her efforts, with your encouragement and over time, don’t expect to change your spouse just on your say-so.

Source of conflict #4: Divergent interests.

Shared activities, such as traveling, cooking, dancing, and brainstorming solutions to mutual problems, allow you to strengthen your bond and build positive memories. Spending quality time together helps you to grow together and avoid growing apart.

But how you do thrive as a couple when your interests diverge? What if you like romantic comedy movies while your partner can’t stand them?  Or you like to try ethnic restaurants and he or she prefers to cook dinner at home? Do you make compromises on whether to see the play or go to the football game?

Solution: Encourage individuality.

While it’s great to spend time with your spouse and hang out with mutual friends as a couple, maintaining your individuality is equally important.

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Invest in your own hobbies and activities. Cultivate and maintain friendships outside the social circle you share with your spouse. Agree to engage in things by yourself or with others that would simply bore or agitate your partner.

Source of conflict #5: Household chores and responsibilities.

Unfulfilled promises about who does what around your shared home creates discontent. There can also be tension over what constitutes an ideal household or tidy home. One might hate seeing dirty clothes on the floor, while the other can’t tolerate dirty dishes in the sink.

Solution: Divide and conquer.

Make core agreements about who’s responsible for which household chores and responsibilities. It doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50. You could agree to each focus on the tasks that you prefer doing. For example, one can do the cooking while the other cleans. Or agree to take turns doing certain chores that you both dislike.

Live up to your promises or renegotiate upfront when you can’t. Divide and conquer household responsibilities rather than whine about who did or who didn’t do what.

* * *

While these solutions can help you resolve conflict, you are the expert on your own relationship. Learn from your mistakes, be patient with yourself and with your partner, and apply what works for you.

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Last Updated on January 16, 2020

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

The way you feel about yourself greatly influences how you live and interact with others. If you are confident about yourself, you tend to see yourself positively and actually enjoy spending time with and around people. You don’t feel self-conscious or awkward around others, and that allows you to live your fullest and happiest life.

However, if you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt, hesitancy and shyness, you often withdraw and isolate yourself from others and avoid interacting and connecting with people. That anxiety you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are around people is holding you back greatly and it is not good for your emotional health and overall well-being. You need to do something about it if you are low in self-confidence or have friends or family members who are not confident.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone” – Anonymous

Here are simple, practical tips to boost your confidence right now and make you feel and act your best.

1. Stop labeling yourself as awkward, timid or shy.

When you label yourself as awkward, timid or shy, you sub-consciously tell your mind to act accordingly and psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. Instead of labeling and entertaining negative self-talk, visualize and affirm yourself as confident and strong. Close your eyes for a minute and visualize yourself in different situation as you would like to be.

Be your own cheerleader. Experts believe that positive affirmation and good mental practices like picturing yourself winning or achieving a goal can lead to greater feelings of self-assurance and prepare your brain for success.[1] As the saying goes, “seeing is believing.” Picture yourself as confident and soon enough you will begin to manifest behavior that gives evidence to this new ‘fact.’

2. Recognize that the world is not focused on you (unless, of course, you are Kanye West).

That means you don’t have to be excessively sensitive about who you are or what you are doing (or not doing). You are not on the center stage; there is no need for preoccupation with self and perfectionism. As rap music star Rocko sings, “You just do you and I will do me, aight?”

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Forget about trying to please everyone or being perfect. Trying to be perfect and being a people-pleaser puts too much pressure on you and creates unnecessary anxiety. Besides, people are too preoccupied with their own issues to pay much attention to your every move unless, of course, you are a mega famous, super celebrity like Beyonce or Kanye West.

3. Focus on other people as opposed to yourself.

If you are low on confidence, self-conscious, nervous and shy in social situations, focus your attention on other people and what they are saying or doing instead of focusing on your own awkwardness.

For example, think about what it is that is interesting about the person who’s the centre of the party or the guy or girl you are talking with. Prompt them to talk more about themselves and be genuinely curious and interested in what they say. You will instantly come across as confident and warmhearted.

People generally want to talk about themselves, be heard and understood. They will love it when you’re eager and willing to listen to them and really hear what they have to say.

This habit of focusing more on what you love in others as opposed to what you dislike in yourself will not only help you become more assertive and comfortable in virtually all social situations, but also instantly make you feel great about yourself.

4. Know (and accept) yourself for who you are.

Chinese military general, strategist and philosopher Sun Tzu, author of the internationally acclaimed book The Art of War, said, “Know yourself and you will win all battles.” Even in the battle with lack of confidence, you will need to know yourself to win.

Knowing yourself starts with understanding that people are not all the same, neither are all social situation suitable for everyone. You might not be confident in large gatherings, but you could be bold and confident in one-on-one and small group interactions. We all have our own unique gifts and unique ways of expressing ourselves. Embrace yours!

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Introverts, for example, have a quiet confidence that is, unfortunately, often confused for shyness. They are naturally low key and prefer to spend time alone. However, this natural disposition affords them certain unique gifts, such as an ability to listen better than most people and notice things that others don’t.

Your uniqueness is where your strength and advantage lies. You won’t be comfortable and confident in all situations all the time. Albert Einstein said,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

5. Crack a smile.

If there is one sure way to instantly boost your confidence, it’s cracking a smile. Christine Clapp, a public speaking expert at The George Washington University, says that flashing those pretty, pearly white teeth will immediately make you appear both confident and composed. But, the effect of smiling is not just external. Studies show that smiling can also help nix feelings of stress and pave the way for a happier and more relaxed you.[2]

Not a bad return for something seemingly so trite, wouldn’t you agree?

6. Break a sweat—with exercise.

Working out is another great way to make yourself feel amazing and confident. Science has shown that exercising increases your endorphins, helps reduce stress, tones your muscles and makes you feel happy and confident.[3]

And hey, all you have to do is take a walk a few times a week and you’ll see the benefits. What seems to matter—as far as your confidence goes—is whether you break a sweat, not how strenuous your session is, which is pretty cool. Start working out now.

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7. Groom yourself.

This might seem mundane, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and shave can have on your confidence and self-image. And when you spritz on a scent, the boost on confidence and self-esteem is incredible. As it turns out, your favorite fragrance does more than make you smell oh-so-nice.

A study found that a fragrance can inspire confidence in men. Interestingly, the study also found that the more a man likes the fragrance, the more confident he might feel. Another study found that 90% of women feel more confident while wearing a scent than those who go fragrance-free.

8. Dress nicely.

Another one that might seem trite, but it works. If you dress nicely, you’ll instantly feel good about yourself and give your confidence a real boost. That is largely because you’ll feel attractive, presentable and sometimes even successful in nice clothes.

While dressing nicely means something different for everyone, it does not necessarily mean wearing $500 designer outfits. It means wearing clothes that are clean, that you are comfortable in and that are nice-looking and presentable, including casual clothes.

9. Do activities you enjoy.

Whether it is reading a book, playing a musical instrument, riding your bicycle or going fishing, do what you really enjoy and what makes you truly happy often. It will boost your self-esteem, soothe your ego and allow you to identify with your gifts and talents. That will in turn bolster your self-belief and grow your confidence exponentially.

You might not become popular for doing what you love, but you might not even want to be popular at all. Being popular doesn’t make you happy; doing what you love does.

10. Prepare for the possibility of rejection / setback.

Late World No. 1 professional tennis player Arthur Ashe said, “One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation.” You need to prepare for the possibility of rejection and setback.

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Why?

Everybody suffers rejection and setback at one point or another. You are not exempted. The question on your mind, therefore, should not be if you will be rejected, but how you will handle rejection when it comes.

Prepare yourself adequately in every situation to minimize the risk and effect of rejection and so that your confidence is not broken. For example, learn public speaking and rehearse what you are going to say beforehand if you have landed a public speaking engagement. That way, you are sure of yourself and confident you have what it takes to hack it. If you are rejected, don’t take it personally.

Rejection and setbacks happen to the best of us. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

11. Face uncomfortable situations square in the face.

Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations. Running away from people or situations because you feel scared, shy or timid only confirms and reinforces your shyness. Instead, face the situation that makes you uneasy square in the face. For example, go ahead and talk to that person you are afraid to approach, or go straight to the front of your yoga class! What’s the worst that can happen?

Prepare and be ready for any eventuality. The more you face your fears, the more you realize you are stronger than you thought and the more confident you get. This simple, yet admittedly courageous, act makes you unstoppable. You get comfortable being uncomfortable and begin to feel like you can take on the world. And that is the hallmark of someone destined for great things.

12. Sit up straight and walk tall—you are awesome!

Yes, sit up straight and believe you are awesome. Don’t slump in your chair or slouch your shoulders. Experts say the right stance can not only keep your self-esteem and mood lifted, but also lead to more confidence in your own thoughts.[4]

The way to sit is to open up your chest and keep your head level so that you look and feel poised and assured. And when you get up, stand tall and walk like you’re on a mission. People who sit up straight and walk tall are more attractive and instantly feel more confident. Try it now: you’ll feel fierce and confident just by sitting up straight and walking tall.

Featured photo credit: Freshh Connection via unsplash.com

Reference

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