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8 Life Projects To Help You Overcome Low Self-Esteem

8 Life Projects To Help You Overcome Low Self-Esteem

We all fall into that state of low self-esteem after all we have been doing, we find ourselves in a sea of failures. Often times, it’s not a pile of losses but a single malfunction. A relationship that did not work out? A job you did not get? An exam you did not ace? A career dead-end? Always tell yourself this shall pass!

But when you get into a series of little failures and are not able to get up and bounce back in the right way, you lose control and start to develop a habit of dragging yourself out of pretension. There is still hope. There is a way out of the self-esteem abyss (aka low self-esteem).

Whenever people ask me questions about self-esteem, a number of times I sense people know what to do but they do not know how to do it. Nowadays we are bombarded with a lot of information on self-improvement and it’s all the same. Let me break those ideas into practical personal projects you can easily do so you can immediately get started.

1. Make a list of your achievements

Do not focus on the negatives. All this time, you have achieved things in your life. Ask yourself, what are these? Having been able to make it through a roller coaster relationship? Finishing a course in spite of the time challenge? Working for a top company in your industry when no one from your college has been admitted except you? Having managed to raise a family or run a household who would not have achieved anything without your support or contribution?

There are a lot of other things you can think of. Listing them down is not silly. They are important. They make you up. They make you important. They make you beautiful.

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2. Create a dream board

Some of the things you have listed in your achievements may be what I call “accidental achievements” because they were never planned. Just like sending you to school was never your choice but it was what everybody was doing. It just went its way on its own without you realizing it. But you cannot leave yourself to luck all the time.

Take control of your life and make things happen for yourself and for your loved ones. You know you should have a dream, a goal or a priority. Now, let’s put that in black and white or should I say, in colors by creating a dream board!

Get yourself a clean cardboard or a frame which you can hang somewhere and put images of what and who you want to be in the next five years and in the next 10 years. Include an image of a person you want to be – maybe physically, emotionally or in whatever aspect of your life. Put this board somewhere visible so you will see this everyday of your life and stop thinking of the setbacks. Start focusing on your dreams and goals.

3. Start making choices of who you want to be not what others want you to be

Related to the dream board, include this process as a personal reflection about the kind of person you are. Ask yourself: Am I acting as myself or am I trying to project a different person? You can be that inspiring person who always catches everyone’s attention. Or the achiever who went to Harvard and is now a successful corporate leader. Or that articulate guy who can speak confidently on stage.

There is a pressure for any one of us to follow a certain figure in our environment. If this is strong, you have to fight the current and be yourself. Fighting the tide means learning to express yourself with your own style, leading your team in the effective way you know or choosing a different path you feel you will fit in.

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4. Develop the habit of self-affirmation

A big chunk of who and what we are comes from how we were raised by our parents or family. Whatever words, images and action we saw when we were growing up, we swallowed that up into our system. It is up to us – up to now – how we will take them.

In front of us is the future and if we want to take control of our lives, we have to take the good things we learned and unlearn those that are not helping. In the mean time, we can still change that by using personal affirmations to motivate us.

Self-affirmations are positive statements that describe a desired situation, repeated many times to influence the sub-conscious to take positive action. By doing so, we ingrain in our systems a different attitude to help us keep going in spite of difficulties. In Expert Enough, here’s one example: I am capable of achieving my goal!

5. Project self-confidence

If you can’t make it, fake it. This adage sounds silly but it is seriously true. Not that you have to fake it and pretend for the sake of itself. Self-confidence is like the chicken and egg thing. You can’t have self-confidence if you don’t try it. But where are you going to get confidence if you don’t have it? That’s where self-intervention comes.

You can copy confidence from your favorite drama series characters, movies or real-world bosses and success models. I like to look up to those team leaders in law and crime dramas. They tell me how to project assertiveness and confidence. Key things to remember: Practice what you have to say (until it becomes easy for you to be more spontaneous). Watch your body language and posture. Reduce tension inside by doing breathing exercises.

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6. Create your environment of trust and support

It’s easier to project self-confidence if you have family and friends very supportive to you. They will be your first line of offense when making that confident move. When you get to the actual battlefield where you need to show off your confidence, make new friends and contacts. Start conversations to ease out the tension in the room. Get to know people in the places where you find your self-esteem challenged.

When you start establishing rapport, barriers fall down. Then your trust joins the environment and there you will find a bunch of people throwing their support at you.

7. Increase your social exposure

Practice, practice, practice. There is no other way the best artists and leaders succeed other than practice. So goes for self-esteem and confidence. Set the tone for yourself and get used to it. Not to say you do not try even if you are already there in the real world. But chances are you will end up with this cycle of what-ifs asking yourself just because you are afraid to try.

Mingle in clubs and organizations to get you used to talking to people, reach out to those in need, socialize in parties, get to know people, make personal and business conversations, etc. You can join a Toastmasters in your area if you want to take your public speaking and leadership skills to the next level. You can join a local sports club just to mix and balance physical health with “social” health. You can join a business club or organization to help you meet more business contacts and in the process you sharpen your skills in talking biz.

8. Reach out to people who are in need and pay it forward

Now you ask, “Is this important in improving self-confidence?” Often times, people with low self-esteem seem to find it easier to talk to those who are underprivileged or those in need. This is because it is when they are able to express themselves with more ease and have less fear about having to meet high expectations from achievers.

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But more importantly, reaching out to others makes you stop thinking about yourself and instead, think of what you can do to help others, find a meaningful purpose or contribution and lead you to be more inspired to improve self for others. In relation to #7, expose yourself to people-oriented activities such as joining clubs or organizations where you not only sharpen specific skills or get used to talking but also being able to offer your own skills to service.

Time to make a step forward

Which of the tips on the list above is what you are most comfortable with? Take action! Pick one tip per week and see how you can develop the habit of pushing yourself to improve your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Nowadays, the best way to make a call to action effective is to get those around you to feel the real deal and see how it will affect them. My challenge for you is to pick up three to four projects mentioned above and commit to doing it. Send me an email about your commitment and be accountable for it. Be one of those brave souls who took responsibility.

Featured photo credit: William Warby via flickr.com

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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