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6 Proven Ways to Succeed with Online Dating

6 Proven Ways to Succeed with Online Dating

Online dating is the greatest invention the world has ever seen. Think about it: it’s like online shopping for sex. You browse profiles, find someone you like and start a conversation. With any luck they will like you back and you can look forward to a new life of love, romance and passionate lovemaking.

In theory.

In reality, it’s like that game at the fun fair where you have to shoot a row of ducks but nobody ever seems to be able to hit the target. Fixed or not, it’s frustrating, and unless you’re a crack Marine Corps sniper, you will often go home empty handed. Online dating is a pain in the ass. As a “veteran” of over 60 internet dates and nearly 10 years of negotiating my way through the many, many websites out there, I know firsthand how arduous and frustrating it can be. I’ve made countless errors, put up stupid pictures, sent even stupider messages and had “sure things” vanish into thin air.

It’s this experience, however, that has enabled me to figure out what the hell I am doing, and I wish to share some of my tips and tricks with you. The following tips are for both men and women and they will hopefully spare you some of the failures that I went through.

1. It’s all about your main profile picture

Many online dating articles and products will try to convince you that what you write for your first message is the most important skill you will ever learn. This is true to a certain extent. For sure, what you write in your opening message and in your profile will dictate a lot of your success with online dating, but the single biggest factor is how someone responds to your profile picture.

It is the first thing they will ever see!

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While your opening message’s content will determine if someone clicks through to your profile, it’s that little thumbnail image that will determine if they open the message at all. This isn’t a universal rule but take women as an examplethe more messages a woman receives each day, the pickier she is going to be. Have you ever deleted an opening message based solely on the thumbnail image? I think everyone has at some point, and imagine how often you would do this if you received 20-50 a day instead of 1 or 2 a week.

Now you get it.

Most attractive women don’t even open all of their messages simply because they can’t be bothered to sift through them all. You have to assume that a quick glance at the thumbnails is all she is going to use to decide whether to open the message, so if your main image isn’t the single best photo you own then you are doing yourself a disservice. No cheesy topless shots, no stuffy formal pictures and no Myspace style self-portraits either—you want a picture that shows you are a relaxed, fun person who has an active social life.

2. The key to writing an interesting profile

It almost doesn’t matter what information you write in your profile as long as you are conveying sincerity and vulnerability. The best way to demonstrate sincerity is to write your main bio in a loose conversational manner without trying to “big” yourself up. This isn’t a CV; you aren’t auditioning for anyone, so don’t write it like you are trying to impress. It will come across as needy, and although you may have the sexiest picture imaginable, your chances of meeting someone are virtually zero if you sound like a douche.

Vulnerability is the essence of opening yourself up without fearing rejection. Are you a geeky chess player? Are you passionate about computer programming? Do you have a fetish for licking stamps? Don’t be afraid of telling people who you are and what you love doing. A truly attractive person is comfortable in their own skin and has the confidence to reveal their thoughts and feelings without caring what anyone else thinks. Ask your best friend or someone you trust to proofread your profile to check that what you have written is a fair and honest representation of your personality and you aren’t coming across like a crazy person.

Unless you want to attract crazy people of course.

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3. That all-important first message

Okay, you’ve sorted out your profile and taken some decent pictures, now you’re ready to send your very first message. What do you do?

First, don’t just send messages out blindly: you have to tailor the message to your goals and the person you are writing to. You don’t want to give a beautiful woman a physical compliment because it won’t have a huge effect on her. Likewise you don’t want to tease someone who comes across like they might not be the most confident person. With regards to messaging men, don’t be overly flirtatious as that can immediately set off their BS detector. Instead, give a man a non-sexual compliment and show interest in something from his profile. Guys, read that last sentence too—it applies both ways.

Common sense goes a long way here:

Read their profile.

Read it again.

Try to find something that most people may have missed. Does she love an obscure movie that you’ve also seen? Has he been to a country that you love? Is she doing a degree in a subject that you have knowledge about? Find something that you can grab hold of and use, whether that’s a specific piece of information or just a vibe you’re getting. Tailor your message around that. It’s hard to figure someone out based on just a few words and a picture or two, but you have to learn to go with your instincts. Unfortunately this will only come with practice, and the more messages you send, the better you will get.

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Online dating is exactly the same as meeting someone the conventional way—it’s purely a numbers game and the quicker you realise this, the better. The more messages you send out, the more replies you will receive. Research has also shown that the best time to send a message is on a Sunday afternoon. That is the time when people are generally bored and are at their computers searching for a bit of companionship after their failed attempts at meeting someone the previous night.

4. How to get away from the internet and on that first date

There are two main ways to transition away from whatever dating site you are using: the first way is a slower process but it’s probably the safest option, while the second is very “high risk-high reward”, but is the quickest method if done correctly.

Option number 1

The slower method is about building trust and rapport. The best way to do this is to suggest moving away from the dating site to a more personal method of communication. Back in the day this was MSN Messenger, but nowadays you could use Facebook chat or WhatsApp. The advantage of Facebook is that you can get more insight into who they are, see more photos, find out the kind of circles they hang out in. It’s slightly stalkerish, but remember; they will get to see everything on your profile too so it’s a fair swap.

WhatsApp is basically an instant messaging service that is available on iPhone, Android and Windows and it involves trading each other’s phone number. From here you can send each other messages throughout the day and it’s a great way to have some fun. After you have built up a little more trust you can then transition to speaking on the phone—hey, you have each other’s number anyway so it makes sense.

Option number 2

You can skip all of this if you want and just go straight for the meet up. To do this effectively you have to use your common sense (I’m sure you have some) and suggest this at the right time. In my experience I would do this after maybe 20-30 emails back and forth. This may seem a lot, but if you are trading several emails a day then this should only take a week to accomplish.

The way that I bring this up is with a casual, “you seem pretty cool, we should meet up soon” comment. It’s very vague amd doesn’t pressure them into giving an immediate answer, yet it shows that your intention is to meet up, not to have a new pen pal. If the response is in any way positive, then go right ahead and suggest a provisional date, like saying “Cool, I am free on Monday to Wednesday evenings and maybe Sunday afternoon; let me know what is best for you”. Give a few options, such as different evenings, mix in a daytime option and sit back and wait. I would say 75% of the time you will get a definitive date set from this, but if not, then as long as you keep emailing each other, you can try again the following week.

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Remember: as long as you keep chatting to each other, the interest is still there. Don’t feel discouraged by an initial “no”, as this could mean anything from feeling worried about meeting someone online to simply being busy with work. Keep building that rapport and don’t moan about it under any circumstances. Accept every decision and show that you understand. Be patient and respectful.

You can always revert back to option 1 at this point.

5. First date dos and don’ts

  • Choose the location yourself; preferably some place where you feel comfortable and that offers the opportunity to sit/walk side by side. Don’t go to dinner, the cinema or sit opposite each other—those promote a sense of detachment.
  • Act like it’s the second date already. Don’t start with an awkward hello and a million questions—chat like you would to a good friend.
  • Don’t offer to pay for a drink, just go ahead and do it. If they object, just tell them the next round is on them, (or next time if it’s only a quick meet).
  • The key to building rapport is to qualify and comfort. Listen intently and demonstrate an understanding or approval or what they are saying, then follow up with a similar story/example from your own life. For example: “I can’t believe you climbed Kilimanjaro, that is such a cool story—I’ve always wanted to do that but the closest I’ve got to that is a hike up Ben Nevis, which was cool in its own way because…”
  • Go ahead and talk about your online dating experiences—you can laugh about all of the crazy weird messages you each receive.
  • Don’t reveal how many people you have met up with if it’s more than 5 in a 1-year period, or if the person you are meeting is inexperienced at this.
  • If there has been some flirting and you feel that you have both enjoyed the date, don’t be afraid to go for the kiss. It is rare that you will receive a rejection and it demonstrates attractive qualities.
  • Use common sense, but don’t use fear as an excuse not to make the move.
  • Remember that you are not trying to sell yourself. Go in with the mindset that you are trying to find out if this person meets YOUR standards, not the other way round. Be friendly, flirty, funny and conversational without being needy.
  • Don’t ask for a second date—just state that you would like to see them again and you’ll be in touch soon to arrange something.

6. Finally, some important points to remember

You will have no doubt seen those tabloid internet dating horror stories, but they are so rare it’s not even worth worrying about. Meeting someone online is probably the safest method of dating. I say this because you have the option to check out everything about them before that first date, which is something you can’t do if you meet someone in a bar or club. If employers can use the internet to check out potential employees then you can do the same.

On a semi related note, make sure that the photos you have seen are genuine. If you can’t see their Facebook page or if their dating profile only has 1 photo then it is okay to ask to see a few more. I personally will never meet up with anyone if I haven’t had a good look at their photos. This isn’t being shallow at all, it’s simply reducing the chances of being conned into meeting someone who is 50 lbs heavier than their photo or is in any way trying to pass themselves off as better looking than they really are.

You can spot a fake profile a mile off; it’s really easy. If there is just 1 photo of someone with above average looks, little in the way of profile information, mentions sex in any way whatsoever, or uses their first and last name together then move on. It’s not worth the hassle. Similarly, guys: as you know, women don’t usually send out that first message so if you receive a message from a really hot woman and you feel uneasy about it, feel free to reply but beware—check those trigger signs I just mentioned and use your instincts and intuition.

Girls: you WILL receive messages from guys asking for sex. It happens, so it’s best that you’re aware of it from the outset. The majority of these guys are harmless and just lack social skills. The best way to deal with these is not to reply at all, not even a polite “no thanks”. Only reply to the guys that have put a little thought into the opening message.

So that’s it. Online dating is a bit scary if you have never done it before, but hopefully this guide (whilst covering the basics) is enough to get you started, and providing that you follow my advice about using your common sense and instincts, you’ll have a great time. Enjoy yourself and stay safe!

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Last Updated on October 20, 2020

10 Principles for Success to Start Living Your Dream Life

10 Principles for Success to Start Living Your Dream Life

Are you stressed out and overwhelmed, wishing you had more time to do the things that really matter? Are you ready to do something better, something special in your life or your career? If you’re ready to take responsibility for your life, then you need to tap into some principles for success.

Many people—maybe you—stopped following their passion and purpose way too early in life because their talents were ignored, minimized, or shamed. They didn’t have the chops to win an American Idol competition or nab an Olympic gold medal, so they stopped expressing their inborn gifts altogether.

You don’t need to be an award winner to rock your life. Living your dream life is about discovering your superpowers and feeling vibrant and joyful when you use them. It’s about owning what makes you unique and finding like-minded people to support you.

Here are 10 success principles to help you reach your goals and live a rich life on your terms.

1. Get a Hobby to Move Closer to Your Dreams

If you never became a professional dancer or a world-renowned author, it does NOT mean you should stop dancing or writing! These activities make you come alive, even if you “only” do them as favorite pastimes.

Engaging in a hobby is one of the most important success principles you can follow to move closer to your dreams.

When you try something creative for the first time or in a long while, you begin to see opportunities at work and in life that you were unaware of before. You also feel happier and more energized, according to a recent study from New Zealand[1].

Some of my most burned-out executive clients reinvigorated their careers by discovering a creative outlet that refueled them after the workday ended. Research at San Francisco State University shows that having a hobby lowers stress and helps you succeed at work[2].

Give yourself permission to try new things and revisit old passions you gave up long ago. Setting aside just one hour a week for personal exploration can significantly change your life and help you focus on goal setting.

2. Focus on Your Strengths

Did you know that you are more likely to succeed when you develop your natural strengths rather than work on your weaknesses? The problem is that you probably don’t know where your true talents lie.

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Once you understand what makes you tick, you can use these skills at work and your personal life to get more done in less time. If you boost your unique abilities through practice and study, you can accelerate your career and become a leader in a field that matters to you. It’s worth investing in yourself this way.

3. Jumping off a Cliff is NOT Required

Here’s the deal: most people are too afraid to change. When participants first come to my workshops, they tell me they have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and fear that if they follow their dreams, someone will get hurt.

The old saying “leap and the net shall appear” does not comfort them. Because they are hesitant to plunge into the unknown, they believe their only option is to stay put where they are in life. Can you relate?

You do not have to sacrifice the life you have now to start a new one. I was a psychology professor by day and singer by night for years before I transitioned into a full-time music career.

To use this principle for success, take a little time out each week to do what enlivens you through a hobby, volunteer work, etc. Get a feel for it. Is it what you really want? If it’s what you really want to be doing, increase the time you spend doing it and make the transition when the time feels right.

4. Give Your Inner Critic Some Love

The main culprit that keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zone and getting the life of your dreams is KCRP or K-CRAP, the radio station that plays 24/7 in your head. The moment you try to do something interesting with your life, it slaps you down with such chart-topping killer hooks as “Who do you think you are?” and “You’ll never be good enough!”.

Have you ever noticed that KCRP’s mean-spirited DJ sounds like your parents, teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who shut you down creatively? These folks don’t need to stifle you any longer (although they often still do) because your inner critic does it for them. That keeps you stuck in a rut[3].

Silencing your inner critic is one of the best principles for success.

    To break free, try thinking of this DJ as a gruff old grandfather who gives you crap to keep you safe. Remember, this grumpy grandpa is woefully out of touch with the times. Give him a pat on the back for his good intentions, and put your focus back on what makes you come alive.

    This is one of the principles for success that will give you the courage to venture into the unknown where you can dance to the beat of your own drummer.

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    5. Embrace Your Inner Self

    Many of us don’t go after our dreams because we’re afraid people will find out how odd or strange we are. However, our little eccentricities often turn out to be our greatest strengths.

    Odds are that you lost track of your true passions and talents before you were even old enough to know you were getting off-track. You became slowly “adulterated” by learning to:

    • Take on family roles that don’t match who you really are.
    • Spit back what teachers taught you in school rather than risk getting bad grades for being original.
    • Hide parts of yourself that don’t seem acceptable to certain social groups.

    The price for fitting in is that you may wind up leading a life that doesn’t fit you all that well. Your true calling becomes clear when you embrace what makes you different from others and allow yourself to stand out from the crowd, even if it feels awkward. Often, the very qualities you view as your flaws are your greatest gifts.

    Here’s How to Listen to Your Inner Voice for Greater Fulfillment.

    6. See the Bigger Picture to Find Your True Calling

    I cannot stress the importance of this success principle enough. Your true calling is right in front of you, but you may miss it because you’re looking for it in the wrong place.

    To “see” it clearly, try widening your point of view.

    Case in point: Maria felt she needed to retire early from being a police detective, so she could travel abroad. I encouraged Maria to think of ways that she could continue to serve as a law enforcer (a career she loved) and travel overseas at the same time.

    A few months later, Maria landed a job with the United Nations in Bosnia training the local police force to understand and embrace human rights procedures.

    Like Maria, you are an everyday rock star capable of accomplishing greater things than you can imagine. Is what you’re looking for right in front of you, too? Do you have an inkling of what it may be?

    Look beyond your day-to-day activities, your current job, and even the town you live in. View your life from an eagle’s perspective and be open to new possibilities.

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    7. Try a Little Wish-List Magic

    Pretend I’m your fairy godmother, and I give you permission right now to be your most magnificent self. What kind of life would be music to your ears? It doesn’t matter whether it seems unattainable or even downright crazy. Write it down on a wish list.

    What would you like your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, and your spiritual life to be like? Jot down enough details so that your wishes seem tangible to you. Then, look at this list every morning before you start your day and every night before you go to sleep.

    8. Take Breaks to Get Clues About Your Ideal Future

    Did you know that working straight through to a deadline leads to diminishing returns? Research shows that taking a break for 15 minutes every 75 to 90 minutes can help you recharge, refresh your focus, and get more done in less time[4].

    Furthermore, a Stanford study shows that walking increases your creative output by 60 percent. Doing repetitive activities such as walking, running, riding your bike, swimming, and sweeping allow solutions to problems to pop into your mind out of nowhere[5].

    What does this success principle have to do with creating your dream life?

    These mini-breaks allow you to get vital clues for what to do next to attain your ideal future. Plus, you won’t waste precious time and energy getting lost in other people’s agendas.

    9. Take Action on Your Inspired Ideas

    Once an inspired thought pops into your mind, take action.

    This is one of the most powerful principles for success for turning your dreams into reality; the sooner the better. Whatever it is—from calling an old friend to taking a new route home—be sure to do it!

    Pay attention to your oddball hunches. You need to go after what you want, not just dream about it. As comedian Jim Carrey warns,

    “You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.”

    To learn more about how to get off autopilot and take specific actions towards your goals, check out this video:

    10. Count Your Rockstar Moments

    Still not sure you have what it takes to get your dream life? This final success principle is guaranteed to help.

    Make a list of everything you’ve ever accomplished. As you read back through it, put a star next to each item, and let it sink in.

    You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good you’ll feel about yourself afterward. You’ll also see how effective you’ve been in the past at getting what you want. You’ve succeeded before, and you can succeed again.

    Final Thoughts

    Eleanor Roosevelt said,

    “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

    Following these principles for success will help you find the time and energy to achieve your goals and live with clear intention.

    Stand still, get quiet, and listen. Your life is constantly telling you what you need to do to realize your own rock star potential in life and business. It may be just a whisper now, but the more you pay attention to it, the louder it will get, and the easier it will be to follow.

    More About Success in Life

    Featured photo credit: Rahul Dey via unsplash.com

    Reference

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