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6 Proven Ways to Succeed with Online Dating

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6 Proven Ways to Succeed with Online Dating

Online dating is the greatest invention the world has ever seen. Think about it: it’s like online shopping for sex. You browse profiles, find someone you like and start a conversation. With any luck they will like you back and you can look forward to a new life of love, romance and passionate lovemaking.

In theory.

In reality, it’s like that game at the fun fair where you have to shoot a row of ducks but nobody ever seems to be able to hit the target. Fixed or not, it’s frustrating, and unless you’re a crack Marine Corps sniper, you will often go home empty handed. Online dating is a pain in the ass. As a “veteran” of over 60 internet dates and nearly 10 years of negotiating my way through the many, many websites out there, I know firsthand how arduous and frustrating it can be. I’ve made countless errors, put up stupid pictures, sent even stupider messages and had “sure things” vanish into thin air.

It’s this experience, however, that has enabled me to figure out what the hell I am doing, and I wish to share some of my tips and tricks with you. The following tips are for both men and women and they will hopefully spare you some of the failures that I went through.

1. It’s all about your main profile picture

Many online dating articles and products will try to convince you that what you write for your first message is the most important skill you will ever learn. This is true to a certain extent. For sure, what you write in your opening message and in your profile will dictate a lot of your success with online dating, but the single biggest factor is how someone responds to your profile picture.

It is the first thing they will ever see!

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While your opening message’s content will determine if someone clicks through to your profile, it’s that little thumbnail image that will determine if they open the message at all. This isn’t a universal rule but take women as an examplethe more messages a woman receives each day, the pickier she is going to be. Have you ever deleted an opening message based solely on the thumbnail image? I think everyone has at some point, and imagine how often you would do this if you received 20-50 a day instead of 1 or 2 a week.

Now you get it.

Most attractive women don’t even open all of their messages simply because they can’t be bothered to sift through them all. You have to assume that a quick glance at the thumbnails is all she is going to use to decide whether to open the message, so if your main image isn’t the single best photo you own then you are doing yourself a disservice. No cheesy topless shots, no stuffy formal pictures and no Myspace style self-portraits either—you want a picture that shows you are a relaxed, fun person who has an active social life.

2. The key to writing an interesting profile

It almost doesn’t matter what information you write in your profile as long as you are conveying sincerity and vulnerability. The best way to demonstrate sincerity is to write your main bio in a loose conversational manner without trying to “big” yourself up. This isn’t a CV; you aren’t auditioning for anyone, so don’t write it like you are trying to impress. It will come across as needy, and although you may have the sexiest picture imaginable, your chances of meeting someone are virtually zero if you sound like a douche.

Vulnerability is the essence of opening yourself up without fearing rejection. Are you a geeky chess player? Are you passionate about computer programming? Do you have a fetish for licking stamps? Don’t be afraid of telling people who you are and what you love doing. A truly attractive person is comfortable in their own skin and has the confidence to reveal their thoughts and feelings without caring what anyone else thinks. Ask your best friend or someone you trust to proofread your profile to check that what you have written is a fair and honest representation of your personality and you aren’t coming across like a crazy person.

Unless you want to attract crazy people of course.

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3. That all-important first message

Okay, you’ve sorted out your profile and taken some decent pictures, now you’re ready to send your very first message. What do you do?

First, don’t just send messages out blindly: you have to tailor the message to your goals and the person you are writing to. You don’t want to give a beautiful woman a physical compliment because it won’t have a huge effect on her. Likewise you don’t want to tease someone who comes across like they might not be the most confident person. With regards to messaging men, don’t be overly flirtatious as that can immediately set off their BS detector. Instead, give a man a non-sexual compliment and show interest in something from his profile. Guys, read that last sentence too—it applies both ways.

Common sense goes a long way here:

Read their profile.

Read it again.

Try to find something that most people may have missed. Does she love an obscure movie that you’ve also seen? Has he been to a country that you love? Is she doing a degree in a subject that you have knowledge about? Find something that you can grab hold of and use, whether that’s a specific piece of information or just a vibe you’re getting. Tailor your message around that. It’s hard to figure someone out based on just a few words and a picture or two, but you have to learn to go with your instincts. Unfortunately this will only come with practice, and the more messages you send, the better you will get.

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Online dating is exactly the same as meeting someone the conventional way—it’s purely a numbers game and the quicker you realise this, the better. The more messages you send out, the more replies you will receive. Research has also shown that the best time to send a message is on a Sunday afternoon. That is the time when people are generally bored and are at their computers searching for a bit of companionship after their failed attempts at meeting someone the previous night.

4. How to get away from the internet and on that first date

There are two main ways to transition away from whatever dating site you are using: the first way is a slower process but it’s probably the safest option, while the second is very “high risk-high reward”, but is the quickest method if done correctly.

Option number 1

The slower method is about building trust and rapport. The best way to do this is to suggest moving away from the dating site to a more personal method of communication. Back in the day this was MSN Messenger, but nowadays you could use Facebook chat or WhatsApp. The advantage of Facebook is that you can get more insight into who they are, see more photos, find out the kind of circles they hang out in. It’s slightly stalkerish, but remember; they will get to see everything on your profile too so it’s a fair swap.

WhatsApp is basically an instant messaging service that is available on iPhone, Android and Windows and it involves trading each other’s phone number. From here you can send each other messages throughout the day and it’s a great way to have some fun. After you have built up a little more trust you can then transition to speaking on the phone—hey, you have each other’s number anyway so it makes sense.

Option number 2

You can skip all of this if you want and just go straight for the meet up. To do this effectively you have to use your common sense (I’m sure you have some) and suggest this at the right time. In my experience I would do this after maybe 20-30 emails back and forth. This may seem a lot, but if you are trading several emails a day then this should only take a week to accomplish.

The way that I bring this up is with a casual, “you seem pretty cool, we should meet up soon” comment. It’s very vague amd doesn’t pressure them into giving an immediate answer, yet it shows that your intention is to meet up, not to have a new pen pal. If the response is in any way positive, then go right ahead and suggest a provisional date, like saying “Cool, I am free on Monday to Wednesday evenings and maybe Sunday afternoon; let me know what is best for you”. Give a few options, such as different evenings, mix in a daytime option and sit back and wait. I would say 75% of the time you will get a definitive date set from this, but if not, then as long as you keep emailing each other, you can try again the following week.

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Remember: as long as you keep chatting to each other, the interest is still there. Don’t feel discouraged by an initial “no”, as this could mean anything from feeling worried about meeting someone online to simply being busy with work. Keep building that rapport and don’t moan about it under any circumstances. Accept every decision and show that you understand. Be patient and respectful.

You can always revert back to option 1 at this point.

5. First date dos and don’ts

  • Choose the location yourself; preferably some place where you feel comfortable and that offers the opportunity to sit/walk side by side. Don’t go to dinner, the cinema or sit opposite each other—those promote a sense of detachment.
  • Act like it’s the second date already. Don’t start with an awkward hello and a million questions—chat like you would to a good friend.
  • Don’t offer to pay for a drink, just go ahead and do it. If they object, just tell them the next round is on them, (or next time if it’s only a quick meet).
  • The key to building rapport is to qualify and comfort. Listen intently and demonstrate an understanding or approval or what they are saying, then follow up with a similar story/example from your own life. For example: “I can’t believe you climbed Kilimanjaro, that is such a cool story—I’ve always wanted to do that but the closest I’ve got to that is a hike up Ben Nevis, which was cool in its own way because…”
  • Go ahead and talk about your online dating experiences—you can laugh about all of the crazy weird messages you each receive.
  • Don’t reveal how many people you have met up with if it’s more than 5 in a 1-year period, or if the person you are meeting is inexperienced at this.
  • If there has been some flirting and you feel that you have both enjoyed the date, don’t be afraid to go for the kiss. It is rare that you will receive a rejection and it demonstrates attractive qualities.
  • Use common sense, but don’t use fear as an excuse not to make the move.
  • Remember that you are not trying to sell yourself. Go in with the mindset that you are trying to find out if this person meets YOUR standards, not the other way round. Be friendly, flirty, funny and conversational without being needy.
  • Don’t ask for a second date—just state that you would like to see them again and you’ll be in touch soon to arrange something.

6. Finally, some important points to remember

You will have no doubt seen those tabloid internet dating horror stories, but they are so rare it’s not even worth worrying about. Meeting someone online is probably the safest method of dating. I say this because you have the option to check out everything about them before that first date, which is something you can’t do if you meet someone in a bar or club. If employers can use the internet to check out potential employees then you can do the same.

On a semi related note, make sure that the photos you have seen are genuine. If you can’t see their Facebook page or if their dating profile only has 1 photo then it is okay to ask to see a few more. I personally will never meet up with anyone if I haven’t had a good look at their photos. This isn’t being shallow at all, it’s simply reducing the chances of being conned into meeting someone who is 50 lbs heavier than their photo or is in any way trying to pass themselves off as better looking than they really are.

You can spot a fake profile a mile off; it’s really easy. If there is just 1 photo of someone with above average looks, little in the way of profile information, mentions sex in any way whatsoever, or uses their first and last name together then move on. It’s not worth the hassle. Similarly, guys: as you know, women don’t usually send out that first message so if you receive a message from a really hot woman and you feel uneasy about it, feel free to reply but beware—check those trigger signs I just mentioned and use your instincts and intuition.

Girls: you WILL receive messages from guys asking for sex. It happens, so it’s best that you’re aware of it from the outset. The majority of these guys are harmless and just lack social skills. The best way to deal with these is not to reply at all, not even a polite “no thanks”. Only reply to the guys that have put a little thought into the opening message.

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So that’s it. Online dating is a bit scary if you have never done it before, but hopefully this guide (whilst covering the basics) is enough to get you started, and providing that you follow my advice about using your common sense and instincts, you’ll have a great time. Enjoy yourself and stay safe!

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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