Advertising

12 Reasons Why Making New Friends Is So Hard and What You Can Do About It

Advertising
12 Reasons Why Making New Friends Is So Hard and What You Can Do About It

After an uneventful and lonely day once, I wanted to pour my heart out to somebody so badly. Frantically scurrying down my phone for search of a patient ear to listen to my woes, I found myself scrolling down, skipping from one name to another. My Facebook page, Viber, WhatsApp listed 1000+ contacts but something made me skip names in my moment of fury.The plethora of relationships that we entwine ourselves today makes trust, faith, and being in a true friendship very difficult.

Growing up, getting married, having kids, or maybe being in a relationship has changed the dynamics of friendships today. One day, when a good friend confided in me some of her impending personal problems, I was horrified yet sad. “What made you keep this away from me for so long?” I demanded. She quietly replied, “I was scared, as what would you think of me”. Quite a change from our earlier childhood days, when we never thought twice before sharing about our shortcomings, inner fears, and absence of a particular thing from our lives.

Why has making new friends become so tough? If you count on your fingers the list of new friends you made say, in 5 years, you may say numerous. But out of them, maybe one or two are really genuine and dear to you. So the question arises – what now? Could you possibly linger onto your platonic relationships, let go, or do something else? Let us find out why making new friends is so hard and what you can do about it.

1. Virtual relationships.

add-laughter-daily-routine-1.5-800X800

    Relationships and that includes our friendships are becoming more and more virtual. You have your old friends with whom you chat with endlessly, keeping them posted, pinging them, tagging them, poking them, sending them game invites and what not to keep in touch. Similarly when you make new friends, you always have this “gap” of communication as you prefer going the “web” or “phone” way. Sometimes communicating virtually might not actually work for a naive and new friendship which requires a lot of personal interaction. So one reason why friendships are limber is because of the excessive virtual communication between them.

    Communicate more, but in person. Of course you can’t visit your old friends time and again, but make sure you video call them frequently instead of chat or SMS. For those friends who are around, try to genuinely know them in the first two-three meetings. If you don’t hit it off, you can always back off.

    2. No time to invest in relationships.

    handcuffs-computer-600x400

      Time is money or in fact even more precious than money nowadays. People hardly find time for social interactions as they are caught up by work pressure, marital problems, health concerns, and a lethargic lifestyle involving TV and social media craze. After all this, if they find some time left, they like idling away or sleeping rather than hanging out with friends.
      Advertising

      Solutions? Nothing. Relax and chill but whenever you do squeeze in some time, make time for your hobbies or simply enjoy moments of silence. Your solitude may prove to be your best friend at times.

      3. People move on.

      3

        Need to pursue careers, spouses, or education outside of your home may at times weaken or even uproot your long friendships. After a tussle of trying to make new friends for quite some time, I can now safely say “In life we never lose friends… We grow up, we move, we change”. After studying for some years outside of my home state, when I returned back, I was met with no welcome visits, no calls, and no emails. I was devastated. Turns out many of my school friends too had moved and the rest were busy with their new-found friends. They had made friends of their own and so did I (at least I thought so).

        Nothing much could be done in situations like these, other than letting it go. It gets difficult to carry on and make new friends as childhood friendships are definitely the most special, but they too won’t be entirely the same. This is one reason why we don’t make new friends. We wait for the past friendships to be reignited and they don’t. Look for new friends where you currently are.

        4. Compatibility issues.

        4

          Somehow with the increasing intellectualism within the youth and rapid increase in general well being, people hold themselves at high accord with other people. So when the intermingling happens, you often do not see eye to eye with a recent (or old) friend on certain issues. So new friendships get soiled due to ego and compatibility issues and old friendships due to changing times and status issues. A not-so-old friend of mine just got back from her business trip abroad after staying away for like a couple of years. The way she dressed up, talked and reacted to situations was completely very elevated. In the next few days, she began finding herself more and more deserted by her friends here as they felt suffocated in her company. Turns out she was actually making people feel worse about themselves.

          I would say compatibility needs to be developed. Similarly, decide how you feel in your respective friendships. If you argue on some worldly affairs say politics, sports or culture that is fine but if there is an ideology or thought process clash, then I would worry.

          Advertising

          5. Relationship issues.

          5

            I was talking to a classmate of mine who was heavily troubled by the dislike of his girlfriend towards his best friend-roommate. Finally one day it grew so bad and she demanded him to change his room as she could not stand the sight of his friend. My poor friend had to succumb to his girl’s wishes. He is not on talking terms with his friend and often tells me how unhappy he is to lose such a solid guy. Sometimes when couples meet, the wives may get along but the husbands do not. And we all know what happens after that.

            It is difficult to say what to do in deadlock situations like these but the choice is very subjective and whatever the person thinks is right for them at that moment. But I feel the person who really loves you will never tell you to choose among your friends.

            6. Priorities change.

            6

              Friends. But you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or family to turn to, so why do need friends? Sad but true. Once you become an adult it is natural for you to give importance to other significant people in your life. Obviously your time gets divided between your friends and other relationships. You start slowing declining in making new friends and the old ones too start to drift apart.

              Tricky one here. But why not try dividing time between friends and love interest or family? Or even better, try having common friends or introducing your partner to your friend. You can keep both your relationship as well as your friendships intact.

              7. Ghosts of past friendships.

              7

                Whenever I try to venture out and seek new friends, I always am reminded of my not-so successful attempts in the past. The times when I had tried to venture, seek and met new people. The times when I invited them over for dinner, offered to take care of them when they fell sick, called them up frequently only to be let down at a later date. On one hand, we have the vulnerable side of us scared and hurt by the past traumas. On the other, we have the eager, lonely, and expectant us who wants to try again and trust people. Emotional baggage can be difficult to let go of but remember that not everyone will be the same.

                If you feel people let you down every time, maybe you need to contemplate and think about your actions. Oprah Winfrey quotes: “If friends disappoint you over and over, that’s in large part of your own fault. Once someone has shown a tendency to be self-centered you need to recognize that and take care of yourself. People aren’t going to change simply, because you want them to.”

                Advertising

                8. A hint of suspicion.

                8

                  There is always this hint of judgement nowadays when we meet somebody new. Moreover in this world when people are vying each other, there is always this strange feeling when people are trying to be sweet to us.

                  What to do? Some of them can be really genuine. Take a chance and reciprocate. There are some people who really care about people and are trying to make new acquaintances. Allow them and be led.

                  9. Putting ourselves into defined brackets.

                  9

                    Making new friends gets seemingly difficult as people with similar tastes and preferences get together and the rest get sidelined. I felt myself surprisingly aloof initially living in Europe, being an expat. There are groups for cooking, mothers, kitty parties, and I didn’t fit in any of them. Even though in some places I found common interests, I didn’t meet like-minded people. I felt out of place with groups of mothers and kids, people sharing the same native language, or people talking about cooking recipes all the time.It is like putting an extra effort to go and bond yourself with the groups.

                    Quoting ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, “I am always saying “Glad to’ve met you” to somebody I’m not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.” Of course we will always need people but if you feel you are being with people just for the heck of it, that doesn’t sound nice at all.

                    10. The fake, the formal, and the famous.

                    10

                      I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod. One of the reasons why we don’t end up in making lots of new friends is the closed web that people weave around them and stay put. As we grow up, we tend to get more closed and stay huddled within ourselves. When we were in college, we had an easy way of looking at things and behaved similarly. Once we grow up, we begin to feel more threatened by the stiff competition around us, be it in work, relationships, or money. We somehow don’t like hanging out with people more popular than us, famous or likewise.

                      I would say get challenged and hang out with all weird personalities of people and observe them. Yes, you may not want to do anything with the fake and the formal ones but they help you to distinguish between the wrong and right ones. They give me food for thought and end up being some weird character in my articles!

                      Advertising

                      11. Lack of initiative.

                      11

                        In the beginning of any new found friendship, there has to be someone who takes the initiative, breaks the ice, and offers to get together. That is perfectly fine. But there are some people who do not do anything and are always waiting to be led. Although some people can’t help but be overly enthusiastic, sometimes it can get you no where or even repel people.

                        I would say give people their space and check if they are genuinely interested in you or are in it for the sake of the event, food, drinks, loneliness, or for some real company.

                        12. The selfishness quotient.

                        little twin girls fighting

                          The using people thing. When I started to hang out with new people after I started working, the dynamics of friendships around me took a rapid hit. Friends whom I knew from yesteryear and new ones started giving me undue importance due to the nature of the job I had. Initially, it felt good to be recognized, but then the uneasiness grew. People started knowing me not for what I was but for who I was. Eventually, as we grow up, we realize that people make friends because they “need” them, not because they adore them. Mothers of kids may not actually be great friends but they hang out together because of their kids.

                          People would always be selfish but maybe not everybody. But yes there would have been times that you would have been the selfish one unknowingly. Unfortunately the world has been programmed that way, so try to do as much as you can for the people who mean something to you and those in distress. For the rest, well you know what to do.

                          “I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, and don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” ― Jon Katz. There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter, and just live a little better.

                          Your career and life will change for the better when you learn to surround yourself with positive people and keep the negative ones away. Of course meeting and retaining all the new people you like will always be a challenge now, but then I say hold one to the few ones before they fly away. So who knows, maybe the new friend you just ran into the party yesterday, might turn out to be your best friend one day?.

                          Advertising

                          More by this author

                          10 Signs You’re Genuinely Happy (Though You Don’t Realize It) 12 Reasons Why Making New Friends Is So Hard and What You Can Do About It 15 Life Lessons From This Famous Comedian – Russell Peters I, Me and MySelfie! Every Woman Should Thank Herself For These Incredible Things

                          Trending in Communication

                          1 How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide) 2 Why Your Lover Doesn’t Want Your Advice, but Your Validation 3 How to Find Happiness in Your Everyday Life 4 5 Tips for Self-Care During the Holidays 5 15 Things You Don’t Need To Apologize For (Though You Think You Do)

                          Read Next

                          Advertising
                          Advertising

                          Last Updated on January 5, 2022

                          How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

                          Advertising
                          How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

                          We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

                          Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

                          Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

                          Expressing Anger

                          Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

                          Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

                          Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

                          Being Passive-Aggressive

                          This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

                          Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

                          This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

                          Advertising

                          Poorly-Timed

                          Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

                          An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

                          Ongoing Anger

                          Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

                          Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

                          Healthy Ways to Express Anger

                          What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

                          Being Honest

                          Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

                          Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

                          Being Direct

                          Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

                          Advertising

                          Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

                          Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

                          Being Timely

                          When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

                          Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

                          Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

                          How to Deal With Anger

                          If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

                          1. Slow Down

                          From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

                          In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

                          Advertising

                          When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

                          2. Focus on the “I”

                          Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

                          When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

                          3. Work out

                          When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

                          Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

                          Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

                          4. Seek Help When Needed

                          There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

                          5. Practice Relaxation

                          We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

                          Advertising

                          That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

                          Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

                          6. Laugh

                          Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

                          7. Be Grateful

                          It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

                          Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

                          Final Thoughts

                          Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

                          During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

                          Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

                          Advertising

                          More Resources on Anger Management

                          Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

                          Reference

                          Read Next