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10 Things To Remember If A Loved One Has Lost Someone Who Took Their Own Life

10 Things To Remember If A Loved One Has Lost Someone Who Took Their Own Life

Many people who lose someone to suicide feel distressed, alone and helpless. As there is a social stigma surrounding the subject of suicide, many people struggle to openly talk about it without feeling uncomfortable.

The love and support of friends and family at this time is very important to anyone grieving. While grief can feel extremely challenging, it is eased by positive and non-judgemental support.

Here are 10 things to remember if your loved ones have lost someone through suicide.

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1. Offering practical support is often helpful

One of the first things your loved one needs after suffering bereavement is practical support, as they come to terms with what has happened. During this difficult period many people struggle with the smaller things.

Try to think about the little, day-to-day things, such as their children and pets. They may require babysitting as your loved one makes arrangements. Simply offering to cook a meal for your loved one and their family could help to lighten the load.

2. Welcome any conversation offered

While feeling awkward or helpless is understandable, it is important to show your desire to comfort your loved one.

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Try not to avoid the subject of suicide – instead, try to welcome it with open arms. Seeming even slightly hesitant to discuss the subject can create a barrier between you and your loved one, making it harder for them to discuss their grief with you.

3. Being present is very supportive

At times of distress, many people can feel alone and lost. Try to show you are there every few days, by checking in to see if they are okay. Rather than sending a text, consider visiting their home or giving them a ring. This will help your loved one to feel less isolated, and they will know they can openly discuss their emotions with you.

4. Make initial contact

If you find out from someone besides your loved one, try to contact them as soon as possible, rather than waiting to hear from them. Tell them you are sorry for their loss, and offer support if they need anything.

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5. Being open will help your loved one

Instead of waiting for your loved one to bring up their loss, try to bring up the subject of the person who has died. It is important to use their name so your loved one doesn’t feel like they are being forgotten.

6. They may need someone to listen to them

Ask your loved one how they are feeling, and really listen to their answer. Ask follow up questions, and try to understand everything they are saying and feeling.

7. Consider who is grieving

There may be other people you know and love grieving the loss of the same person. Does your loved one have children or a partner? Try to include everyone you think may be silently grieving in your support.

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8. Accept their emotions and behaviour

Understand that your loved one is going through a hard time. Respect the intensity of their grief, and allow them to grieve in a way that suits them.

They may feel overwhelmed by their emotions, and they may feel overcome with emotion when they aren’t expecting to. Simply try to provide support if you are with them and they are feeling emotional.

9. Patience is important

Grieving someone who was lost to suicide is extremely painful and often confusing. Understand that the grief is long-term and will not simply disappear. It will take a long time for your loved one to come to terms with what has happened, and they may need to talk about the situation over and over again for that to happen.

10. Accept it is normal to feel helpless

It is completely normal to feel helpless and awkward when spending time with someone who is grieving. You want to provide them with emotional support, but you may feel like you are incapable of doing so. Try to remember your support is always helpful, so you can push through any inadequacies you feel.

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Amy Johnson

Amy is a writer who blogs about relationships and lifestyle advice.

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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