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10 Secrets Women Actually Want Their Men To Know

10 Secrets Women Actually Want Their Men To Know

Women are hard to understand. I know this not only from my own experiences with dating, relationships, and casual flings, but also because I’ve heard lady friends of mine say it about other ladies! What comes off as obvious, or duh, or even common sense isn’t always the case. People, not just women, often expect others to be able to read their thoughts, ideas, and secrets without moving their mouth. Barring some sort of drastic technological development, mind reading isn’t an option when trying to understand someone else. Thankfully, here’s a list of secrets women actually want their men to know.

1. “E” is for effort

Plain and simple, most men don’t have enough of it outside the bedroom. It goes a lot further than taking out the trash or holding the door open for her when you’re out and about. When a woman lets you into her life it’s a very important and sensual thing. It should be highly cherished. Doing something really special for no reason, or finding a creative way to make her day better or more special will go a long way with her. The hardest part isn’t winning the chase for her affection, but keeping it.

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2. Chivalry is not in the obituaries

There’s this loosely celebrated relationship faux pas that “chivalry is dead.” That’s funny. When friends or acquaintances say that, what you’re actually hearing is, “I’m extremely lazy and self centred.” Now, dudes, before you get out your pitchforks and fire torches and try to run me out of town (or tell me it’s an “equality” thing) – just stop. You should be 100% proud of your lady, though I think it’s unhealthy to make her the centre of your entire world. It’s crucial that you show her consistently how much she means to you. This isn’t necessarily done verbally with an overwhelming shower of “I love you.” I’ll even go to say it’s not about holding the door, saying please or thank you, or even being kind to others, but those are all encouraged. Do you remember when your lady said, “Hey. I like when you do [x]?” Yeah, do that. Paying attention to her is the purest form of chivalry.

3. Shhhhhhhh. Listen

I’m kind of picking on guys in the majority of this, but to do so on this bullet point isn’t entirely fair. Everyone can be pretty awful at listening. However, this is a big secret women want us to understand: we don’t listen enough. Our way of decompressing is grabbing a happy hour beer after work with buddies or hitting the sticks (video game lingo) with our virtual friends in Korea. Though some women prefer both of those things the majority just want to talk about their crappy day, or lacklustre boss, or friend who’s a bridezilla. It’s often played off as a joke in pop culture, but you should want to listen to her. It’s never a chore because you love her.

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4. They’re extremely intuitive

They have a better idea of what you’re feeling most times than you do, gents. Women are just like that. Well, it’s largely based on an innate ability women have to better read nonverbal communication than you. Therefore, based on your body language, eyes, hands, feet, stance, posture, and a myriad of other characteristics about you they’ve closely, but unconsciously studied during your time dating, they know when you’re lying. They know when you’re deceitful. They usually know when you’re cheating. Don’t cheat them, both figuratively and literally. They’ll know.

5. They don’t normally dress up for you, bro

That extra 30 minutes women need prior to leaving when they said they’d be ready 15 minutes ago? Yeah, not for you. Dudes are too easy to please. When we think our lady is a dime (which includes all the boyfriends or husbands reading this), then it doesn’t matter much what they wear because in our eyes they will always look stunning. Once again, women are intuitive. They know that. Sadly, women are very critical of each other even when they don’t know them. They’ll notice the extra jiggle, or pound, or wrinkle almost unconsciously. It make some feel better. Therefore, let her take all the time she needs. If you go nowhere, neither will she.

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6. Women love bad boys, but mom doesn’t

Most women, either in their past or currently, have wanted to wrap their arms around the chiselled abdomen of a wavy-blonde-haired bad-boy as they speed off on his motorcycle into the horizon. He’s probably not wearing a helmet in this fantasy, either. Dudes, this is chill. You don’t need to worry about this. Why? Because even if those fantasies are driven by R-Patz and Ryan Gosling in Drive, she prefers you. If it came down to it, that’s who she’d choose. She wants a guy that has more depth than an inside-outside knowledge of a 1967 Chevy El Camino engine. She wants to be wrapped in your slightly blubbery abdomen as you make her laugh, or swoon, or melt. Looks fade to the true self hiding beneath in time.

7. They want to see you have a spine

A lot of men, especially those with girlfriends who’re “out of their league” want to bend over backwards for their lover. In most cases bending over backwards is perfectly acceptable for both parties of a relationship to do. However, It’s one thing to be a genuine gentleman, or a mediocre Casanova, but DO NOT be a “yes” man. Most women secretly hate it. On the contrary, there’s no need to be an overly know-it-all jerk, either.

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8. They fake

They fake wanting to go see your second cousin in Louisiana. They fake orgasms. Heck, they even fake happiness. Behavior affects mood and mood affects behavior. If someone is truly unhappy they will often often mask it with a “fake it till you make it” mentality. Really, they don’t want to hurt us guys by telling us something that might hurt our feelings. Truth is, there’s little you can do to get around this or combat it other than having an honest conversation about it. Beware, your chances of getting hurt are high. Your ego, feelings, and manhood might get slightly trampled. But it’s better than her faking it for a decade because you’re trampling her with your sweaty chest and seizure-like movements in bed. Your choice.

9. Please, please, please…take “guy time”

Relationships are a lot like a Venn Diagram. If you take a close look it’s two intersecting circles that share a middle, yet the outer portions remain separate of one another. Nothing is more crucial in a relationship than this aspect. In the early stages, what some deem the “honeymoon phase,” it may seem like you never want to be separated from this person, which is totally normal. However, if you continue to isolate friends, co-workers, family, hobbies, and the rest of your waking life, you’re going to be in serious trouble. Don’t think she’s offended by “guy time,” unless you’re doing something you blatantly shouldn’t be.

10. They want to remember that you care

This is far past “I love you” every day, exceeds beyond a weekly date night; we’re talking aeons past PDA. Your partner wants to be reminded that she’s not the one, but your one. All of us are insecure about our lovers finding someone “better” or more attractive. There are a few approaches to showing her that you care. Always be open with them. As previously stated: women are ninjas at reading body language. They’ll tell if you’re not into it , or deceiving them in any way. Pick creative and interesting ways to impress her. Remember that she loves cheese pizza? Write a “cheesy” poem to ask her out. Will you look like an idiot? Uh, yeah, you will in your own head. In hers you’re her knight, her bad-boy, and her sexy hot yoga instructor mixed in one. Always communicate openly and honestly – I can’t preach this enough. Often conflicts in a relationship, no matter how strong the foundation, result from either miscommunication or misinterpretation.

Featured photo credit: sunset via google.com

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Last Updated on August 19, 2019

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.

When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.

In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.

Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.

If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.

According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.”[1] Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.

No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.

When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.

Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.

1. Embrace Your Vulnerability

When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.

Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.

When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.

Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.

In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.

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It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.

You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.

Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.

What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?

You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.

That’s where we all should be.

So, answer me this:

How are you, really?

And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.

Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.

Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.

Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)

Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.

It’s taking control.

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2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity

You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by being true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.

You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.

In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.

Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.

You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…

Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’[2] When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?

It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.

In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You

It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.

Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:

Change will happen.

Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.

You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.

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And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.

You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?

That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.

You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.

When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.

3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking

Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.

In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.

If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s like you rise twice.

Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.

Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable.  It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved.  It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.

How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?

Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.

“Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.

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Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.

Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.

It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.

Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,[3]

“If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”

What would you do if you felt you were enough?

By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.

So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.

Final Thoughts

By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.

Being true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.

When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.

You will find that making decisions based on what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!

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Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com

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