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10 Mistakes 20-Somethings Should Stop Making Now

10 Mistakes 20-Somethings Should Stop Making Now

You are young and free. It’s sometimes hard to see how the decisions you make in your 20’s affect the rest of your life. The truth is, your 20’s are the foundation for the rest of your life. Here are 10 mistakes 20-somethings should stop making now to ensure a bight future.

You should stop wasting time.

You can waste time in many ways, especially before establishing your future. With your entire future ahead of you, it often can seem like there are unlimited amounts of time. It’s not the case. Use your time to do things that matter to you. Spend time on things like traveling, networking, building relationships, and climbing the corporate ladder. If your time-wasting hobbies are keeping you from being productive, take a hard look at limiting or eliminating them.

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You should stop wasting money.

Too often, in our 20’s, we want stuff. From expensive designer clothes, to fancy electronics, and many other possessions that take up a huge chunk of our income. Stop wasting money on these things. They are going to be out of date and out of style quicker than you imagine. Take your disposable income and invest in your future to ensure you have great experiences. Remember, memories last forever, so spending money on that trip to Europe will always be more valuable than a big screen TV that will need to be replaced in three years with the newer, larger model.

You should stop relying on social media.

Social media has it’s place, no doubt. It keeps us connected and can be a great way to stay in touch. But it can’t be the only way! Make sure you are maintaining real relationships and giving your friends and family the face time they need and deserve. You can see what someone is doing on Facebook, but unless you are with them in person, you’re viewing their memories rather than making your own.

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You should stop making everything a #1 priority.

Priorities. It seems like everything is vying to be at the top. Relationships, family, career, friends, pets, houses, school… they can be overwhelming! Take time to prioritize your life. It will make things less hectic and keep you from feeling overwhelmed.

You should stop spending time in a dead-end career.

It’s easy to stay in a career that’s leading no-where. Serving, bar-tending and retail can be great careers, but you want to make sure you understand the future ramifications. When you’re in your 20’s, working crazy hours and nights and weekends may seem like a perfect scenario. But as you get older and start with a family and friends, you can miss a lot based on that choice. Make sure you think about the future before deciding on the career you will pursue.

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You should stop staying in bad relationships.

Your first love can be hard to get over. And bad relationships can linger much too long. Stop spending time with people who don’t make you a better person. When you’re in a bad relationship, it will make the rest of your life more difficult. Evaluate your relationships and don’t wait to get out of poor situations.

You should stop relying too much on others.

Whether it’s depending on your parents for bills or relying on your co-workers to pick up the slack, your 20’s are a time to become more independent. Take help when you need it, but start working towards financial independence.

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You should stop worrying about the small stuff.

Too often we spend time worrying and dealing with petty things that turn into big, huge problems. Stop worrying about the small stuff. Whether it’s a fight with your significant other, a problem with your co-worker, or a problem in some area of your life, spend the time to fix it and move on.

You should stop partying like a rock star.

Have fun! You’re young. But you’re probably not a rock star. Stop acting like one. Don’t let having fun get in the way of what you need to do on a daily basis. Find other things to keep you occupied besides bars and clubs. You’ll quickly find you can have much more fun at the museum, at a sporting event, or a small festival. There’s plenty of ways to have a great time.

You should stop risking your future.

The key to it all? Make sure your 20’s set you up for a great future. Start saving your money. Make sure you are optimizing your career path. Ensure you find a great, healthy relationship that will be strong for years to come. Set yourself up so your future is bright. If you’re doing things that risk this future, change it now. There’s a lot of years in front of you, make sure you make them great.

Featured photo credit: Josef Seibel via flickr.com

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Kyle Robbins

Kyle is the founder of Branding Beard. He writes about communication tips on Lifehack.

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Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

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2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

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  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

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This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

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6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

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