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10 Lessons I Learned From My Past Relationships That Make Me A Better Lover Today

10 Lessons I Learned From My Past Relationships That Make Me A Better Lover Today

Love is like a never ending story with unpredictable plot twists sprinkled throughout. That might sound dramatic (guilty as charged) but it’s how I look at my past relationships. Let me be clear: I’m not perfect. I was a guilty party in some of the situations that inspired the lessons below. So save yourself some trouble by realizing the following 10 lessons.

1. Life happens.

Don’t desperately search for meaning where there is none. Most relationships don’t end because one partner did something “wrong.” More often, their life paths split in opposite directions. One half gets a promotion that requires traveling to a big city. The other prefers a small town life. One half gets accepted to an out-of-state college.The other attends a local university. Being compatible initially doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay that way. Know when to move on.

2. Own your quirks.

Don’t feel self-conscious about your freckles, giggle, or eye twitch. Your quirks make you unique. There is only one appropriate response to a compliment: “Thank you.” And if your partner tells you how beautiful you smile (or how handsome your mustacheis) a hundred times, he or she is probably being genuine. Don’t cause a scene. Smile and say thanks.

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3. It’s not all about you.

Don’t assume your partner’s world revolves around you. What looks like a lack of interest might be nothing more than exhaustion in disguise. Emotions are drained by stressful things outside of our relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to go out, don’t jump to the conclusion that it has something to do with you. They’re probably just sleepy.

4. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader.

Don’t act like nothing is wrong when you’re clearly upset. For starters, you’re not kidding anybody, and it’s silly to hold a grudge over something that you’re not willing to confront yourself. If it turns out your mind is creating a bigger problem than actually exists, forget about it. But if something is wrong, say so.

5. Texts can and will be misinterpreted.

Don’t have a fit over an honest mistake. I’m too embarrassed to admit how many arguments with my ex were a direct result of miscommunication. Let’s just say I’ve learned that sarcasm doesn’t always translate well in a text format. If you find yourself typing away in a fit of anger, call a “time-out” and save the conversation for an in-person setting.

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6. No one is ever 100% “right” or “wrong.”

Don’t fear disagreement. It’s a natural part of any relationship. Be willing to compromise. Thinking you’re “right” doesn’t mean you get to trample over your partner’s feelings. If you want your relationship to be successful, treat it like a democracy (not a dictatorship).

7. Love is beautiful. Obsession is unhealthy.

Don’t cling to a sinking ship. It’s nice to be intensely attracted to a person but if you find yourself enamored with a person who doesn’t return your feelings, it’s best to move on. And if you find yourself in a relationship where there is a clear imbalance in level of commitment (often reflected in things like one partner craving more physical contact or time together than the other), then you might have a problem.

8. Save big discussions for an appropriate setting.

Don’t confront your partner about a topic that will upset them at a bad time. I know this might sound strange since I told you to speak up about things that are bothering you in #4 but don’t be inappropriate about it. If your partner had a really hard day at work, be courteous enough to let them relax for a little while before confronting them about a problem. Funny personal example: one time, I received a break-up text while I was at the dentist’s office, waiting to have my teeth cleaned. My dental hygienist walked in before I even had time to react. That was one of the most awkward hours of my life .

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9. Boredom is a threat (that you can easily avoid).

Don’t fall into the trap of monotony. Life can get dull in a hurry if you do the same stuff every day. If your partner is hinting about how nice it would be to go on a trip, this could be a sign that they are getting bored. And if your date nights are exact duplicates of each other, can you blame them?

10. Seeking revenge will only make a bad situation worse.

Don’t let hurt feelings inspire vindictive behavior. You’ll only regret it later. Even if you believe you were treated badly, lashing out in anger won’t make you feel any better. Find a friend to talk to. Distance yourself from the issue to calm down before responding. Forgive them if you can. Walk away if you can’t.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Tell us about a love lesson one of your past relationships taught you in the comments!

Featured photo credit: Bicycles! (Film)/Nicki Varkevisser via flickr.com

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Daniel Wallen

Daniel is a writer who focuses on blogging about happiness and motivation at Lifehack.

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Last Updated on April 14, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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