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10 Lessons I Learned From My Past Relationships That Make Me A Better Lover Today

10 Lessons I Learned From My Past Relationships That Make Me A Better Lover Today

Love is like a never ending story with unpredictable plot twists sprinkled throughout. That might sound dramatic (guilty as charged) but it’s how I look at my past relationships. Let me be clear: I’m not perfect. I was a guilty party in some of the situations that inspired the lessons below. So save yourself some trouble by realizing the following 10 lessons.

1. Life happens.

Don’t desperately search for meaning where there is none. Most relationships don’t end because one partner did something “wrong.” More often, their life paths split in opposite directions. One half gets a promotion that requires traveling to a big city. The other prefers a small town life. One half gets accepted to an out-of-state college.The other attends a local university. Being compatible initially doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay that way. Know when to move on.

2. Own your quirks.

Don’t feel self-conscious about your freckles, giggle, or eye twitch. Your quirks make you unique. There is only one appropriate response to a compliment: “Thank you.” And if your partner tells you how beautiful you smile (or how handsome your mustacheis) a hundred times, he or she is probably being genuine. Don’t cause a scene. Smile and say thanks.

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3. It’s not all about you.

Don’t assume your partner’s world revolves around you. What looks like a lack of interest might be nothing more than exhaustion in disguise. Emotions are drained by stressful things outside of our relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to go out, don’t jump to the conclusion that it has something to do with you. They’re probably just sleepy.

4. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader.

Don’t act like nothing is wrong when you’re clearly upset. For starters, you’re not kidding anybody, and it’s silly to hold a grudge over something that you’re not willing to confront yourself. If it turns out your mind is creating a bigger problem than actually exists, forget about it. But if something is wrong, say so.

5. Texts can and will be misinterpreted.

Don’t have a fit over an honest mistake. I’m too embarrassed to admit how many arguments with my ex were a direct result of miscommunication. Let’s just say I’ve learned that sarcasm doesn’t always translate well in a text format. If you find yourself typing away in a fit of anger, call a “time-out” and save the conversation for an in-person setting.

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6. No one is ever 100% “right” or “wrong.”

Don’t fear disagreement. It’s a natural part of any relationship. Be willing to compromise. Thinking you’re “right” doesn’t mean you get to trample over your partner’s feelings. If you want your relationship to be successful, treat it like a democracy (not a dictatorship).

7. Love is beautiful. Obsession is unhealthy.

Don’t cling to a sinking ship. It’s nice to be intensely attracted to a person but if you find yourself enamored with a person who doesn’t return your feelings, it’s best to move on. And if you find yourself in a relationship where there is a clear imbalance in level of commitment (often reflected in things like one partner craving more physical contact or time together than the other), then you might have a problem.

8. Save big discussions for an appropriate setting.

Don’t confront your partner about a topic that will upset them at a bad time. I know this might sound strange since I told you to speak up about things that are bothering you in #4 but don’t be inappropriate about it. If your partner had a really hard day at work, be courteous enough to let them relax for a little while before confronting them about a problem. Funny personal example: one time, I received a break-up text while I was at the dentist’s office, waiting to have my teeth cleaned. My dental hygienist walked in before I even had time to react. That was one of the most awkward hours of my life .

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9. Boredom is a threat (that you can easily avoid).

Don’t fall into the trap of monotony. Life can get dull in a hurry if you do the same stuff every day. If your partner is hinting about how nice it would be to go on a trip, this could be a sign that they are getting bored. And if your date nights are exact duplicates of each other, can you blame them?

10. Seeking revenge will only make a bad situation worse.

Don’t let hurt feelings inspire vindictive behavior. You’ll only regret it later. Even if you believe you were treated badly, lashing out in anger won’t make you feel any better. Find a friend to talk to. Distance yourself from the issue to calm down before responding. Forgive them if you can. Walk away if you can’t.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Tell us about a love lesson one of your past relationships taught you in the comments!

Featured photo credit: Bicycles! (Film)/Nicki Varkevisser via flickr.com

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Daniel Wallen

Freelance Writer

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Last Updated on November 15, 2018

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

What do you think it takes to achieve your goals? Hard work? Lots of actions? While these are paramount to becoming successful in reaching our goals, neither of these are possible without a positive mindset.

As humans, we naturally tend to lean towards a negative outlook when it comes to our hopes and dreams. We are prone to believing that we have limitations either from within ourselves or from external forces keeping us from truly getting to where we want to be in life. Our tendency to think that we’ll “believe it when we see it” suggests that our mindsets are focused on our goals not really being attainable until they’ve been achieved. The problem with this is that this common mindset fuels our limiting beliefs and shows a lack of faith in ourselves.

The Success Mindset

Success in achieving our goals comes down to a ‘success mindset’. Successful mindsets are those focused on victory, based on positive mental attitudes, empowering inclinations and good habits. Acquiring a success mindset is the sure-fire way to dramatically increase your chance to achieve your goals.

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The idea that achieving our goals comes down to our habits and actions is actually a typical type of mindset that misses a crucial point; that our mindset is, in fact, the determiner of our energy and what actions we take. A negative mindset will tend to create negative actions and similarly if we have a mindset that will only set into action once we see ‘proof’ that our goals are achievable, then the road will be much longer and arduous. This is why, instead of thinking “I’ll believe it when I see it”, a success mindset will think “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

The Placebo Effect and What It Shows Us About The Power of Mindset

The placebo effect is a perfect example of how mindset really can be powerful. In scientific trials, a group of participants were told they received medication that will heal an ailment but were actually given a sugar pill that does nothing (the placebo). Yet after the trial the participants believed it’s had a positive effect – sometimes even cured their ailment even though nothing has changed. This is the power of mindset.

How do we apply this to our goals? Well, when we set goals and dreams how often do we really believe they’ll come to fruition? Have absolute faith that they can be achieved? Have a complete unwavering expectation? Most of us don’t because we hold on to negative mindsets and limiting beliefs about ourselves that stop us from fully believing we are capable or that it’s at all possible. We tend to listen to the opinions of others despite them misaligning with our own or bow to societal pressures that make us believe we should think and act a certain way. There are many reasons why we possess these types of mindsets but a success mindset can be achieved.

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How To Create a Success Mindset

People with success mindsets have a particular way of perceiving things. They have positive outlooks and are able to put faith fully in their ability to succeed. With that in mind, here are a few ways that can turn a negative mindset into a successful one.

1. A Success Mindset Comes From a Growth Mindset

How does a mindset even manifest itself? It comes from the way you talk to yourself in the privacy of your own head. Realising this will go a long way towards noticing how you speak to yourself and others around you. If it’s mainly negative language you use when you talk about your goals and aspirations then this is an example of a fixed mindset.

A negative mindset brings with it a huge number of limiting beliefs. It creates a fixed mindset – one that can’t see beyond it’s own limitations. A growth mindset sees these limitations and looks beyond them – it finds ways to overcome obstacles and believes that this will result in success. When you think of your goal, a fixed mindset may think “what if I fail?” A growth mindset would look at the same goal and think “failures happen but that doesn’t mean I won’t be successful.”

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There’s a lot of power in changing your perspective.

2. Look For The Successes

It’s really important to get your mind focused on positive aspects of your goal. Finding inspiration through others can be really uplifting and keep you on track with developing your success mindset; reinforcing your belief that your dreams can be achieved. Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people. This is crucial if you’re learning to develop a positive mindset.

3. Eliminate Negativity

You can come up against a lot of negativity sometimes either through other people or within yourself. Understanding that other people’s negative opinions are created through their own fears and limiting beliefs will go a long way in sustaining your success mindset. But for a lot of us, negative chatter can come from within and these usually manifest as negative words such as can’t, won’t, shouldn’t. Sometimes, when we think of how we’re going to achieve our goals, statements in our minds come out as negative absolutes: ‘It never works out for me’ or ‘I always fail.’

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When you notice these coming up you need to turn them around with ‘It always works out for me!’ and ‘I never fail!’ The trick is to believe it no matter what’s happened in the past. Remember that every new day is a clean slate and for you to adjust your mindset.

4. Create a Vision

Envisioning your end goal and seeing it in your mind is an important trait of a success mindset. Allowing ourselves to imagine our success creates a powerful excitement that shouldn’t be underestimated. When our brain becomes excited at the thought of achieving our goals, we become more committed, work harder towards achieving it and more likely to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

If this involves creating a vision board that you can look at to remind yourself every day then go for it. Small techniques like this go a long way in sustaining your success mindset and shouldn’t be dismissed.

An Inspirational Story…

For centuries experts said that running a mile in under 4 minutes was humanly impossible. On the 6th May 1954, Rodger Bannister did just that. As part of his training, Bannister relentlessly visualised the achievement, believing he could accomplish what everyone said wasn’t possible…and he did it.

What’s more amazing is that, as soon as Bannister achieved the 4-minute mile, more and more people also achieved it. How was this possible after so many years of no one achieving it? Because in people’s minds it was suddenly possible – once people knew that it was achievable it created a mindset of success and now, after over fifty years since Bannister did the ‘impossible’, his record has been lowered by 17 seconds – the power of the success mindset!

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