Advertising
Advertising

Great Life Lessons To Remember

Great Life Lessons To Remember

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson” – Tom Bodett

There are so many great lessons we all learn from life. These lessons have helped me become the person I am today. Reading about other peoples’ experiences and lessons in life can give you a better understanding of how you can choose to live your life. To really appreciate the value that these lessons can bring to your life, you need to experience life and embrace the challenges that life throws at you, make mistakes, fail, and bounce back. It is these life lessons that you learn from all of your experiences that will have the most impact.

“People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves” – Paulo Coelho

So get ready, be open and look forward to passing more life tests and learning more life lessons.

hobbies

    There are many things in our lives that we have to do, even though we may not want to do it. The trick to managing these aspects of our life is to have activities in our life that we actually enjoy and love doing. It is all about keeping perspective and balance in your life. Health, wealth and happiness are the key ingredients to living a life you love and when you have activities in your life that bring you all three, then you are definitely living a life you love.

    Advertising

    over-thinking-ruins-you-quotes

      “Paralysis by analysis” is defined in Wikipedia as: “the state of over-analysing (or over-thinking) a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralysing the outcome.” The result is that because decisions are never made opportunities are lost. Don’t spend too much time analysing whether you should or shouldn’t act on an opportunity, or step out of your comfort zone to change your life. Manage your risk, listen to your intuition, find your courage and take action.

      Practice

        This life lesson is all about self belief and having a positive attitude in life.  Self belief and a positive attitude are the key ingredients to living a successful and fulfilled life.

        Bring your down

          Have you ever felt fearful about what others think or say about you? If you seek validation from others before you make a decision or take action, then you will never truly be your own person. If people are speaking unkindly about you, ignore it because the comments they make aren’t really about you, your value or self worth. You don’t need other people to validate you, you are already valuable. When you find your courage and step out of your comfort zone to take positive action in your life, there will be people who will support you, ignore you, reject you and disagree with you – and that’s okay. Focus on those who are supporting and encouraging you to be courageous and to be different.

          Advertising

          listen-carefully-to-how-one-speaks-about-othersa467c

            This lesson is all about being self aware and surrounding yourself with the right people. Those who support and encourage you, will speak their truth to you and to others with integrity and respect. If you are surrounded by people who are only massaging your ego and speaking ill of others, then that is a sure sign that they will be saying very similar things about you behind your back. Managing your ego is key to learning this lesson as it is your ego that will allow you to have these negative and untrustworthy people in your life.

            Two-things-to-remember-in-life.-Take-care-of-your-thoughts-when-you-are-alone-and-take-care-of-your-words-when-you-are-with-people.

              Negative self talk is not going to get you anywhere. If you listen to the negativity in your head, then it will definitely creep into the language you use to communicate with others – particularly in difficult and trying situations. Your negative thoughts without a doubt will influence your relationships. A positive attitude creates positive thoughts which results in positive relationships – even in the tough times!

              smartest

                Become a student of life rather than a person who knows everything. Life lessons can only be learnt the hard way – there is no other way. Embrace the joy of learning new things and stepping into the unknown. There is no joy and there no lessons to be learnt when you know everything there is to know. It is a safe and incredibly boring way to live your life.

                Advertising

                Never-lose-yourself-while-trying-to-hold-on-to-someone-who-doesnt-care-about-losing-you.

                  This is a tough life lesson because it is all about understanding the emotions that come with being in love. For some people it takes many times of falling in and out of love before the lesson of “staying true to you,” is learnt. This lesson is also about being self aware and keeping your relationship in perspective. There will always be signs that the person you love may not love you as much. What often happens is that our love blinds us and we choose to ignore these signs. Stay true to you and don’t hand your power over to those people who don’t care for you.

                  stress

                    Stress kills. Deal with whatever it is in your life that is creating bad stress. Practise appreciation and gratitude on a daily basis. It is appreciation and gratitude that provides the energy source for you to live an abundant and fulfilled life. Stress will not provide you with abundance and fulfilment in your life.

                    Facebook-Quote-PC-2012-04-04

                      Dream big, think big; be courageous and believe in you. Surround yourself with people who support, encourage and believe in you – don’t worry about those who reject you or dismiss you. Embrace failure and learn from your mistakes. Accept that the lessons in life are only going to be learnt the hard way and there is no easy way to live a full and abundant life. Become a champion of change and go make a difference in the world.

                      Advertising

                      More by this author

                      Kathryn Sandford

                      Career Resilence Coach who is passionate about thriving and growing in a complex world

                      7 Things To Remember When You Feel Broken Inside 10 Things To Do To Change Your Life Forever If You Don’t Know What To Do Next In Your Life, Read These 5 Strategies For Those Who Still Don’t Know What They’re Doing With Their Lives, Read This This Is What I Did to Stop My Regrets From Keeping Me Awake at Night

                      Trending in Communication

                      16 Compelling Reasons to Try Couples Yoga (And the Best Poses to Try) 215 Trustworthy Techniques to Prevent Relationship Problems 3Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional? 48 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies 510 Reasons Why People Are Unmotivated (And Ways to Be Motivated)

                      Read Next

                      Advertising
                      Advertising

                      Last Updated on June 12, 2018

                      Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                      Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                      A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

                      You know how this looks:

                      • Parents constantly comparing children.
                      • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
                      • Domestic violence.
                      • Adultery…
                      • And many others.

                      For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

                      Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

                      Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

                      This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

                      In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

                      If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

                      How to fix a dysfunctional family

                      In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

                      And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

                      Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

                      It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

                      Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

                      Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

                      There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

                      Dysfunctional… Or just average?

                      Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

                      The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

                      You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

                      A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

                      Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

                      Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

                      • Unrealistic expectations
                      • Lack of interest and time spent together
                      • Sexism
                      • Utilitarianism
                      • Lack of empathy
                      • Unequal or unfair treatment
                      • Disrespect towards boundaries
                      • Control Issues
                      • Jealousy
                      • Verbal and physical abuse
                      • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

                      You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

                      If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

                      Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

                      How to turn it around

                      When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

                      But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

                      One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

                      We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

                      Advertising

                      As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

                      What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

                      Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

                      Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

                      Correction is possible

                      In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

                      Verbalize it.

                      All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

                      Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

                      This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

                      But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

                      So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

                      Putting it to work in real life

                      In real life it would be something like this:

                      “OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

                      Or:

                      “Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

                      Or:

                      “Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

                      As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

                      This is what you have to remember:

                      1-Stop.

                      2-Why it’s wrong?

                      3-What you need.

                      And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

                      It’s a family thing

                      A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

                      Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

                      In other words, you will need cooperation…

                      So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

                      Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

                      Advertising

                      We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

                      You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

                      It’s not a free-for-all battle

                      In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

                      No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

                      Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

                      And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

                      The method

                      1. Drop the ego

                      Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

                      You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

                      Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

                      What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

                      It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

                      After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

                      Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

                      Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

                      Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

                      And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

                      You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

                      2. Not blame, but responsibility

                      When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

                      But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

                      When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

                      What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

                      Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

                      As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

                      You will do something like this:

                      “Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

                      I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

                      You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

                      I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

                      Advertising

                      It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

                      What happened here?

                      We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

                      We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

                      We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

                      And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

                      You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

                      This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

                      3. Doing the work

                      What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

                      This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

                      Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

                      If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

                      It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

                      “When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

                      I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

                      But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

                      You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

                      Love is all you need

                      You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

                      That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

                      And what happens if it simply is not there?

                      What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

                      What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

                      There is only one thing you can do:

                      To break away.

                      Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

                      There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

                      “We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

                      If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

                      Advertising

                      Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

                      You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

                      Putting distance

                      So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

                      What do I mean?

                      Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

                      Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

                      Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

                      Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

                      They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

                      Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

                      I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

                      I choose my peace of mind.

                      And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

                      Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

                      Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

                      How to prevent it

                      There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

                      • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
                      • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

                      Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

                      You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

                      Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

                      Priorities and clear thought

                      You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

                      You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

                      You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

                      Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

                      If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

                      And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

                      Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

                      But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

                      Featured photo credit: Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash via unsplash.com

                      Read Next