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Published on January 29, 2021

5 Ways To Let Go of Anger And Restore Calmness in Mind

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5 Ways To Let Go of Anger And Restore Calmness in Mind

Anger is one of the most unpleasant emotions that we can experience. When we express our anger we feel bad and we feel even worse about ourselves once we have calmed down. It is not a healthy way to live life being constantly angry.

We have been dealing with a lot of change as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. Disruption and uncertainty are very much part of our lives and it is these two things that are most likely to create fear and distress in our lives. How we express and manage these feelings influences how resilient and how effective we are at navigating our way through all this disruption and uncertainty.

Choosing anger as a way to release all your pain and fear is not a wise option and definitely not a sustainable and healthy way to live life.

What is Healthy Anger?

Before you start to work on letting go of your anger and restoring calmness back into your mind it is important to acknowledge that anger is a normal healthy and very vital emotion. It lets you know where your boundaries are and what you stand for. Without anger, you would be passive, accommodating and invisible and this is not a great way to live life. When anger, however, gets out of control and turns destructive it can lead to problems in your relationships and your overall quality of life.

Ignoring your anger will not make it go away. If you suppress your anger it just bubbles away and you become tenser and more stressed. All it could take is one action or comment from someone that displeases you and you let rip!

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Knowing how to manage your anger more effectively is key to you living a more emotionally balanced healthy life. This quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind” explains very clearly what you lose when you spend a lot of time in your life being angry.

If you are feeling you are spending too much of your life angry, frustrated or overwhelmed here are 5 strategies that could help you restore calmness back into mind and your life.

1. Reflect and Breathe

In his article What Constitutes Healthy Anger,[1] Bernard Golden PhD states that cultivating healthy anger demands reflection, the capacity to pause and assess whether the threat we feel is real and imminent and then determining how to respond appropriately and constructively.

The best way for you to determine your response is to take time out or remove yourself for however long it takes for you to feel you are in control. A breathing exercise is the best way for you to restore calm back into your body and mind and give you space to re-centre yourself so you can decide your next move.

2. Practice Mindfulness Regularly

This strategy has a more positive long term impact on helping you let go of your anger and maintain peace and calmness in your mind and life. There is a lot of scientific research and evidence to show that the regular practice of mindfulness improves our self-awareness and enables us to reprogramme our brain to focus more on the positive elements of our life – rather than be consumed by negativity, doom and gloom.

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In her article 23 Amazing Health Benefits of Mindfulness for Body and Brain,[2] Courtney E. Ackerman, MSc., Researcher outlines the benefits that mindfulness brings to your life and even offers 3 free Mindfulness exercises for you to try out. If you are keen to start incorporating mindfulness into your life these free exercises are a great way to start.

3. Acknowledge Your Anger, Identify Its Presence in Your Body Then Let It Go

Accepting that it is okay to be angry is an important step toward letting your anger go. The more aware you are of the physical signals that your body sends you when you find yourself getting angry the more control you have to decide how to constructively deal with your feelings of anger.

“Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.” — Melody Beattie

4. Write It Down

Michelle Roya Rad, Professional psychologist and motivational writer said:[3]

“When you write, you can let go of your feelings. Writing your feelings as they come, writing to the person whom you have anger towards and then burning the letter, and writing short stories.”

I know that this works because I have done this exercise a number of times when I have felt extremely angry at another person. Once I had vented in my letter I felt better and I never sent any of my angry letters! I followed Michelle’s advice and ripped up the letters and threw them away! Felt amazing!

5. Distract Yourself Away From Focusing On Your Anger

There are a number of strategies that you could use to distract yourself away from your anger. The strategies you choose to use are ones that resonate with you. Here is a list of actions that you can add to your distraction toolbox and use when needed.

Count To 100

This one seems pretty basic, but it works. Thinking about something other than what’s making you upset for 100 seconds can help you avoid blowing a fuse. It gives you a chance to gather yourself and your thoughts before you do anything else.

Move Your Body

I find that exercise is an awesome way to let off steam. I either take a walk or go for a run. I have recently taken up boxing which I find is the best high energy activity to smash out my anger and stress!

Listen To Music

What music you choose to listen to depends on what kind of distraction you are seeking. When I want to calm myself down I listen to music that enables me to do that however there are times that I want to vent and let it all out and that’s when I listen to hardcore rock!

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Don’t Take Things So Personally

I have this quote from Don Miguel Ruiz’s written on the front page of my journal and refer to it when I am trying to get a sense of my feelings around why I am angry and how I can move forward.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

This quote may not resonate with you however find one that does. Keep it close to you so that you can refer to it in times when you need to restore a sense of calmness back into your life.

Bottom Line

By changing your relationship with anger and learning how to manage anger in a healthier way enables you to live a calmer and balanced life. Having this life philosophy is so important to support you to navigate your way through all the uncertainty and disruption that the coronavirus has bought into our lives.

More Anger Management Tips

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

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Reference

More by this author

Kathryn Sandford

Career Resilience Coach passionate about supporting others to grow and thrive in a complex world.

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Last Updated on January 24, 2022

21 Best Tips On Making A Long Distance Relationship Work

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21 Best Tips On Making A Long Distance Relationship Work

Having texting and video conferencing at our fingertips, it appears that maintaining a long-distance relationship is easier than ever. Long-distance calls are no longer a luxury; the days when they needed to be rationed are long gone.

Long-distance couples do not have to depend on 3 p.m. postal delivery, waiting for news that is at best four days old.

Now we’re no longer even in the days of waiting for our loved ones to check their e-mail when they get home from work. Instant messaging keeps us hooked to each other even when we are out shopping, working, playing, watching a movie and doing much more.

Technology, however, cannot compensate for everything in a long-distance relationship, as anyone with a long-distance relationship will tell you.

Many long-distance relationships still seem emotionally difficult despite the lack of regular physical proximity.

People often think long-distance relationships will never work. It may be discouraged by your family, and some of your best friends may tell you not to take it too seriously in case you end up heartbroken.

Many things are not possible due to the extra distance – no one can promise it will be easy. Things could get complicated, and you might feel lonely and sad at times.

Still, many of us try them.

Video Summary

However, the extra distance also makes the simplest things the sweetest. Being able to hold the other person’s hand, eating together at the same table, feeling each other’s touch, taking a walk together, smelling each other’s hair… these small wishes could suddenly mean so much more in a long-distance relationship.

Long-distance relationships may be tough, but they have their own surprises too.

Here’re 21 tips on how to make a long distance relationship work:

1. Avoid excessive communication.

It is unwise to be overly “sticky” and possessive. You two don’t really have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep the relationship going. Many couples think that they need to compensate for the distance by doing more. This is not true. And it might only make things worse. Soon you would get tired of “loving.”

Remember: Less is more. It is not about spamming — you are only going to exhaust yourselves. It’s really about teasing at the right moments and tugging at the right spots.

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2. See it as an opportunity.

“If you want to live together, you first need to learn how to live apart.” – Anonymous

View it as a learning journey for both of you. This is an opportunity for you to prove your love for one another. According to a Chinese proverb, “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.” Instead of thinking that this long-distance relationship is pulling you two apart, you should believe that through this experience, the both of you will be bound together even stronger.

As Emma says it to Will in season four of Glee,

“I would rather be here, far from you, but feeling really close, rather than close to you but feeling really far away.” – Emma, Glee Season 4

3. Set some ground rules to manage your expectations.

Both of you need to be clear with what you expect of each other during this long-distance relationship. Set some ground rules so that none of you will do things that will take the other party by surprise.

For instance, are you two exclusive? Is it all right for the other person to go on dates? What is your commitment level? It’s better to be open with each other about all these things.

4. Try to communicate regularly, and creatively.

Greet each other “good morning” and “good night” every day — this is a must. On top of that, try to update your partner on your life and its happenings, however mundane some of the things may seem.

To up the game, send each other pictures, audio clips, and short videos from time to time. By putting in this kind of effort, you make the other person feel loved and attended to.

5. Talk dirty with each other.

Sexual tension is undoubtedly one of the most important things between couples. In a way, sexual desire is like the glue that keeps both parties from drifting apart. Sexual need is not only biological but also emotional.

Keep the flames burning by sending each other teasing texts filled with sexual innuendos and provocative descriptions. Sexy puns work pretty well too.

6. Avoid “dangerous” situations.

If you already know that going to the club or going drinking with your group of friends late at night will displease your partner, then you should either 1. Not do it or 2. Tell your partner beforehand to reassure them.

You should not let this sort of thing slip by because it will only make your partner extra worried or suspicious – and of course, very upset because they will feel powerless or lack control over the situation.

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You can fall victim to your traps by going out with eye candy from work after work or dating someone from your past who has been flirting with you without realizing it. Before entering a dangerous situation, you need to recognize the dangers.

Listen to your heart, but don’t just rely on it. Make sure you also listen to your mind.

7. Do things together.

Play a game online together. Watch a documentary at the same time on YouTube or Vimeo. Share a song on Skype while another plays the guitar. Video-call each other and go for a walk together. Together, go online shopping – and buy each other gifts (see #13).

You really have to be creative and spontaneous about it.

8. Do similar things.

Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news and etc., to each other. When you read, watch and listen to the same things, you get to have more topics in common to talk about.

Even if you live apart, it’s nice to have some shared experiences.

9. Make visits to each other.

Every long-distance relationship is enriched by visits.

After all the waiting and yearning and abstinence, you finally get to meet each other to fulfil all the little things like kissing, holding hands, etc. These are typical for couples in long-distance relationships but more special and intimate for long-distance couples.

The atmosphere will be filled with fireworks, glitter bombs, confetti, rainbows, and butterflies.

10. Have a goal in mind.

Are we going to be apart for a long time?” “what about the future?” These are the questions you should ask yourselves.

In fact, a couple cannot stay in a long-distance relationship forever. Eventually, we all need to settle down.

So make a plan with each other. Set up a timeline, mark down the estimated times apart and times together, and draw an end goal.

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It is important that you two are on the same page and have the same goals. So that even if you are not living in the same space and the same timezone, both of you are still motivated to work together in the same direction towards a future that includes one another.

That’s right, you need some motivation to make a relationship last too. Find out more about what motivates you here.

11. Enjoy your alone time and your time with your friends and family.

You are alone, but you are not lonely unless you choose to feel like it. You don’t have to let your world revolve around your partner — you still have you, your friends, and your family. Take this time apart to do more with your friends and family. Go to the gym more often. Get a new hobby. Binge-watch shows. There are plenty of things for you to do that don’t involve your partner.

12. Stay honest with each other.

Talk about your feelings of fear, insecurity, jealousy, apathy, whatsoever. If you try to hide anything from your partner, that secret will sooner or later swallow you up from the inside out. Don’t try to deal with things all by yourself. Be open and honest with each other. Let your partner help you and give you the support you need. It’s better to look at the problem during its initial stage than to only disclose it when it’s all too late.

13. Know each other’s schedules.

It’s helpful to know when the other person is busy and free. So that you can drop a text or make a call at the right time. You wouldn’t want to disturb your partner when they are in the middle of class or halfway through a business meeting. Make sure you are aware of everyone’s small and big events in their lives, i.e., college midterms and exams, important business trips and meetings, job interviews, etc. Particularly if you live in different time zones, this becomes more important.

14. Keep track of each other’s social media activities.

Facebook and Instagram photos of each other. Send each other tweets. Tag each other on Facebook. Post stuff on each other’s wall. Let them know you care. Be cool with stalking each other.

15. Gift a personal object for the other person to hold on to.

Memories have power. No matter what it is–a pendant, a ring, a keychain, a collection of songs and videos, or a perfume bottle. Everyday items and things have meanings to us, whether we realize it or not. We all try to store memories in material things so that when our minds fail, we will still be able to look at or hold onto something that will help us recall our memories. This is why something so simple can mean so much to a person when others may see little or no value in it.

16. Get a good messaging app.

This is extremely important because texting is the most frequent and common way of communication the two of you have. You need a good messaging app on your phones that allows interactions beyond words and emoticons.

Personally, I use this messaging app called LINE. I find it highly effective because it has a huge reserve of playful and very funny “stickers” that are free for its users to use. You can also go to the app’s “Sticker Shop” to download (or gift!) extra stickers of different themes (e.g., Hello Kitty, Pokemon, Snoopy, MARVEL, etc.) at a low price. Occasionally, the app will give out free sticker sets for promotions. This messaging app is cute and easy to learn to use.

17. Snail-mail your gift.

Mail each other postcards and hand-written love letters. Send each other gifts across the globe from time to time. Flower deliveries on birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day. Shop online and surprise each other with cool T-shirts, sexy underwear, and such.

18. Stay positive.

You need to constantly inject positive energy into the long-distance relationship to keep it alive. Yes, the waiting can be painful, and you can sometimes feel lonely, but you need to remind yourself that the fruits at the end will be sweet as heaven.

One good trick to staying positive is to be grateful all the time. Be thankful that you have someone to love — someone who also loves you back. Be thankful for the little things, like the hand-made letter that arrived safely in your mailbox the other day. Be thankful for each other’s health and safety.

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19. Keep each other updated on each other’s friends and family.

This will help you two to know each other’s culture and values. Knowing small habits of each other helps in developing an understanding and building mutual trust.

Talking about family and friends gives you more matters to talk about. The best thing to talk about is gossip and scandals.

20. Video-call whenever possible.

Because sometimes looking into each other’s eyes and hearing each other’s voices can make everything feel alright again.

A video call is though nothing like being together, but it’s the best thing and the most to do for coziness in a long-distance relationship.

21. Give each other pet names.

Because it’s cute. It keeps the lovey-dovey going. Having special names for each other reserved only for one another are heart-warming. Hearing that one word with love lifts our spirits up, and we feel assured all over again.

Chaos seems to fade away just by hearing that special word from someone special.

With the best wishes…

Love (or like) is a force that is beyond your control. Love just happens. The same goes for turning off those feelings, even when you get the perfect job halfway across the country.

Neither one of us expects to be long-distance in a relationship. But if you’re in a relationship like this, you’ll just have to make the most out of a difficult situation. These advice for long distance relationships will hopefully help you stay strong and cheerful when living apart from one another.

More Recommended Relationships Experts on Lifehack
  • Carol Morgan —  A communication professor, dating/relationship and success coach
  • Dr. Magdalena Battles — A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault
  • Randy Skilton —  An educator in the areas of relationships and self-help

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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