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One Question to Make Saying No Easier Than Ever

One Question to Make Saying No Easier Than Ever

When you ask someone for help, it’s tough to hear “No.” Those two little letters can hurt our ego. We start to wonder whether the other person cares about us, and we feel embarrassed for making ourselves vulnerable by asking for help. Because we know how much “No” can hurt, we can fall into the trap of saying “Yes” to someone just to avoid hurting their feelings.

For example, let’s suppose you are having a busy day at the office. There’s a knock on your door; it’s a colleague who needs someone to help them finish an urgent report that’s due by the end of the afternoon. They ask, “Would you help me?” You don’t really have time – you have a lot of your own work to get done – but because you know what it’s like to need help yet not receive it, you tell them that yes, of course you’ll lend them a hand.

Why is it so hard to say “no”?

Even the most independent among us have a natural desire for acceptance. It all stems back to our survival instincts. Early in our evolutionary history, it was important that everyone in a group had each others’ backs. Hence it was better for people to say “Yes, I’ll help you!” or “Yes, I’ll defend you!” This “Yes” habit helped both individual and group survival.

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We can live more independent lives these days, but this old instinct is still strong. In addition, we have a desire for social status and belonging. We form attachments to other people, and often want to say “Yes” to others in a bid to win their love and favor.[1]

And when you really manage to say no, the other person feels bad about it (and about you). This is not the result you really hope for.

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    One question that makes all the difference

    So what can you do in situations like this? You don’t want to say “no,” but you don’t want to trample on the other person’s feelings. Luckily, there’s a solution.

    Quite simply, when someone asks you for help, ask “How?”

    This is less confrontational than “no.” It does not threaten their ego, and it places the ball in their court. “How?” holds them accountable for their role in the transaction. It forces them to spell out precisely what they want and need. If they are not able to willing to step up and engage with you, it’s easier to say “No.”

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      Asking “how” instead of giving a straight “no” protects the other person’s ego, and respects their need for belonging, self-esteem, popularity, and love. It isn’t a rejection; rather, it will be interpreted as a question and an attempt to solicit feedback.

      When you ask “how,” you are encouraging the other person to take charge of the situation by specifying what they require. Even if they aren’t quite sure yet what it is that they need, asking them exactly how you can help will force them to think about the steps that need to be taken in order to complete a task. You will soon be able to tell whether they are in genuine need, or are just looking for someone else to complete their mundane tasks.

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      Value your time, turn people down

      If done in the right way, turning someone down can make others respect you. If you draw firm boundaries, the other person will realize that you are not someone they can push around. Instead, they will see you as someone who holds themselves in high regard.

      When you give an impression of confidence, others will pick up on that. In a business setting, marking yourself out as someone who is willing to say “no” to arrogant individuals may increase demand for your services.

      The next time someone asks you for help and you don’t want to say “yes,” just ask “how” instead. It’s incredibly simple, yet very effective. It works with colleagues, friends, and relatives. Just think of all the time you’ll save when you stop saying “yes!” to everyone.

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      Anna Chui

      Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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      Last Updated on January 21, 2020

      How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

      How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

      If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

      Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

      So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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      1. Listen

      Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

      2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

      Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

      “Why do you want to do that?”

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      “What makes you so excited about it?”

      “How long has that been your dream?”

      You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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      3. Encourage

      This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

      4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

      After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

      5. Dream

      This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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      6. Ask How You Can Help

      Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

      7. Follow Up

      Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

      Final Thoughts

      By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

      Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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      Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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