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Average Couples See Chores as a Cornerstone, Happy Couples See Them as the Gem Stone

Average Couples See Chores as a Cornerstone, Happy Couples See Them as the Gem Stone

There’s nothing quite so frustrating as coming home from work to realize that your house is a mess, dinner needs to be cooked, and there’s a mountain of laundry for you to do. All of us spend time dealing with chores, but this scenario is even more frustrating when you arrive to find that mess and a partner who doesn’t seem to care about it.

Chores may seem trivial, but are a big deal

After faithfulness and sex, sharing household chores is one of the most important components of a successful marriage.[1] Many people hold a perception that a healthy relationship centers around the major milestones. Engagement, marriage, romantic dates, anniversaries, and gift-giving are obvious points of discussion in our relationships. These are big things because they seem to have the greatest impact on our lives with our significant others.

Some may think that it’s better to talk about work, what’s on TV, or what’s happening over the weekend instead of devoting some of the conversation to cleaning the house.

But think about it, about 80% of our lives are made up of chores. Everything–from what you eat to what you wear to how clean your house is–comes down to how proficient we are with our chores.

To put it into perspective, think about how much time you spend doing basic things like feeding yourself. If it takes you an hour to make a meal and you eat three meals every day, you’ll spend three hours on meal prep daily. Over the course of 365 days, that comes out to 1,095 hours, or 45 days in the kitchen.

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Even those clothes on your back create a serious time commitment. If you spend an average of an hour per day on washing and ironing, by the end of one year, you will spend 15 days on laundry. Cleaning your house for three hours per week takes 156 hours of your year, which comes out to nearly 7 days.

From these few tasks, we’re spending two months per year on chores. This isn’t even considering other duties such as child care, lawn care, or vehicle upkeep. If couples can’t agree on the chores, that means that they will spend at least two months of their year resenting their significant other for their lack of contributions to the household. Without a plan, the chores can quickly become overwhelming for at least one partner. Whenever there’s an imbalance, the relationship suffers.

Happy couples run a household like a business

Instead of waiting for the dishes to pile up, and allowing the resentment to stack up along with them, couples should enter into a business agreement about chores. The “business” is making a couple’s home run efficiently so that both of them can live happily in it.

Usually when couples don’t talk about the chores, one person ends up doing most of the work. They wind up managing the finances, making repairs, cooking, and cleaning. This is exhausting, and even the best partner is prone to becoming overwhelmed or making mistakes.

When one partner feels under-appreciated, he or she might lose motivation to continue with the business of running the household. This sentiment will ultimately erode the partnership.

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A fair distribution of responsibilities will help the business run smoothly. Both partners will feel that their needs are met, and they’ll be happy.

The first step in all of this is shining light on what you both do around the house. Chances are, you and your partner are both contributing to the household, but you don’t even realize it. When you show one another what you’re doing to make the house work, you can use chores to help you play as a team.

As the 5th and final stage of a romantic relationship, playing as a team makes you to unite as a common front. As a unit, you can work to achieve a happy, organized, and loving household. Read more about the 5 stages of love here: There Are 5 Stages Of Love, But Sadly Many Couples Stop At Stage 3

The process of figuring out who should do each chore will differ based on the couple’s needs. Both of you will need to decide on responsibilities at home, and it doesn’t matter whether you are the boss at work or the entry-level worker. You leave your rank at the door and become a business partner with a vested interest in your household as soon as you get home.

Talk about chores, bond with chores

I have a few tips to help couples to establish the ground-rules for the business of keeping up their house.

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1. Be clear about what needs to be done and when.

The more specific you are about what needs to be done, who will be doing this, and when it needs to be completed, the better. Each partner needs to talk about their expectations and priorities for the household. In addition to thinking about basic things like the who/what/when of doing the chores, spend some time talking about why it’s important to do these things and how the tasks should be completed.[2]

You both may have different expectations, and this could be a cause for bickering down the road. Prevent problems by talking through chores in detail. Make a list of what needs to be done, and identify which chores are the most loathsome for each partner. You can compromise so that neither of you is stuck doing chores that you can’t stand.

You wouldn’t run a business without discussing the various aspects of it’s day-to-day operation with your partner. When it comes to running your house, you should be just as explicit about what needs to be done.

2. Review and adjust your plans as necessary.

If you were running an actual business, you and your partner would work together to maximize strengths and work around weaknesses. You’d divide labor to get the best results. It’s worthwhile to periodically discuss whether you are accomplishing your tasks in the most efficient way possible. It works the same for chores.

Making a plan is only half the battle. You’ll need to revisit your plan from time to time to make sure that it’s still working. For example, if you partner has to work late on a major project this week, you might agree to temporarily take on more chores to assist.

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Checking in with one another prevents frustration. If you can work together to get more work done in an efficient manner, it’s going to make your relationship stronger.

3. Take time to acknowledge effort.

In business, leaders know that acknowledging hard work builds loyalty and mutual respect.[3] Loyalty and mutual respect are powerful components of a healthy romantic relationship as well. So at home, couples should acknowledge each other’s effort too.

Show your appreciation when your partner keeps up his or her half of the bargain. When you express your gratitude over the effort your partner exerts to make your home a nice place, you make them feel appreciated and motivated.

Run the chores or the chores run you

Instead of letting chores get out of hand until one partner grudgingly does them all, come up with a plan. Together, you and your partner can establish expectations that will lead you both to have a more comfortable home, and a more supportive relationship.

Chores may seem like little things, but they have so much influence that we ought to consider them big things. Work as a team to figure out how you will clear these tasks from your schedule in an efficient manner. You’ll have more time together, and you’ll appreciate one another more if you treat your household like a well-run business.

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Anna Chui

Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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Last Updated on August 19, 2019

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.

When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.

In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.

Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.

If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.

According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.”[1] Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.

No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.

When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.

Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.

1. Embrace Your Vulnerability

When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.

Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.

When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.

Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.

In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.

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It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.

You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.

Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.

What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?

You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.

That’s where we all should be.

So, answer me this:

How are you, really?

And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.

Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.

Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.

Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)

Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.

It’s taking control.

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2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity

You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by being true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.

You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.

In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.

Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.

You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…

Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’[2] When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?

It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.

In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You

It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.

Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:

Change will happen.

Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.

You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.

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And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.

You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?

That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.

You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.

When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.

3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking

Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.

In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.

If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s like you rise twice.

Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.

Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable.  It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved.  It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.

How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?

Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.

“Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.

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Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.

Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.

It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.

Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,[3]

“If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”

What would you do if you felt you were enough?

By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.

So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.

Final Thoughts

By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.

Being true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.

When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.

You will find that making decisions based on what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!

More About Living Your True Self

Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com

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