Advertising
Advertising

Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours

Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours

Ever heard of attachment theory? It’s the theory that explains what kind of attachment we form in our adult relationships, particularly with our romantic partners.

Some relationships have compatible attachment styles. Others are not so lucky. When you end up dating somebody with a different attachment style, it can lead to all kinds of conflict in the relationship. One of these conflicts could be about time. For example, attachment theory explains that some people expect to spend all of their free time with their partners. Other people, however, neither want nor need to spend so much time with their partners. This difference can cause a struggle between two people as they try to agree on how much time to invest in the relationship.

Changing your attachment style is a long and difficult process.

You can definitely try to change your particular attachment style, but that’s a really long and difficult process. According to attachment theory, we develop our attachment style when we are small children. It’s usually based on the relationship we had with our parents.

Instead, we’re going to talk about the different types of attachment styles and which combinations are better for relationships. If you can identify your exact attachment style, you can find a partner who fits your needs. This, of course, is the ideal situation. If you’re already in a relationship, however, and your attachment combination isn’t so good, don’t worry! There’s still hope for you and your significant other.

Four attachment styles.

Attachment theory identifies 4 types of attachment styles:

Advertising

Secure – You tend to feel secure and close to your partner, while still respecting each person’s independence.

Insecure Anxious – You tend to feel unhappy in your relationships and sometimes act possessive of your partner. You worry a lot that you will lose your significant other, who you depend on for your happiness.

Insecure Avoidant – You tend to put distance between yourself and your partner, doing everything possible to avoid an emotional connection. Your partner may feel that you are not concerned with the relationship.

Insecure Disorganized – You have difficulty trusting other people and experience a variety of fears, including: getting too close to your partner or being too distant. Your emotions tend to change quickly, which keeps you in a constant state of confusion.

Each attachment combination has a different outlook for the relationship.

Positive Outlook

Advertising

    If either person has a secure attachment style, then the relationship has a positive outlook. Attachment theory tells us that the person with a secure attachment style is able to validate their partner’s concerns. They can even help their less secure partner overcome their insecurities.

    Challenging Outlook

      The anxious + anxious combination is challenging. People with this attachment style are able to read small changes in emotion and behavior. This perceptive ability combined with their anxious insecurity results in jumping to conclusions.[1] In short, two insecure anxious people have the potential to experience a relationship full of drama, jealousy, and arguments. The same happens for the insecure disorganized + insecure disorganized combination.

      When an avoidant one pairs up with another avoidant one, there’ll be little communication, which may seem to be fine at the beginning as both aren’t demanding. But as time goes by the connection will become weaker and it’s hard to sustain the relationship.

      Toxic Combination

      Advertising

        If the two attachment styles are anxious and avoidant, things are going to be difficult. You should probably mentally prepare yourself for the kind of issues that this combination might bring to your life. If you’re thinking about getting into this romance, think again.

        Interestingly, these two types of attachment are often drawn together. That’s because they almost complement each other. An anxious person has fear of losing their partner and so they wait for the avoidant person to decide to commit to the relationship. This combination validates the avoidant person’s behavior.[2]

        As insecure disorganized style is a combination of the anxious type and the avoidant type, when the anxious side comes up, it’ll be a disaster with the avoidant type. When the avoidant side comes up, conflicts will arise with the anxious type. That’s why both insecure disorganized + insecure avoidant and insecure disorganized+ insecure anxious are not likely to work.

        Be honest with yourself to identify your attachment style.

        In order to find someone who fits your attachment style, you must first identify it. Think about the way you react to the things your partner does.

        If they tell you they’ll call at 6:00 pm and they don’t call until 6:30 pm, do you spend that half hour worrying what could have possibly gone wrong? Do you start feeling vulnerable or thinking you’ve probably been abandoned? Be honest with yourself, you’ve probably been known to pout or start arguments with your partner. Sound familiar? You’re probably an insecure anxious type.

        Advertising

        Think about how you feel after you spend a lot of time with your significant other. Do you need some time to yourself? Or maybe you feel like being in a long term relationship means you’ll lose your identity or independence. If this sounds like you, you could be have an insecure avoidant attachment type.

        Observe your partner’s behavior to find out their attachment style.

        It may seem more difficult to identify your significant other’s attachment style, but it’s not impossible. You might not know exactly how they feel internally, but you can observe their behaviors. Think about how they react to your concerns. If you’ve had a bad day and you come home talking about it, what do they say? Do you feel ignored, like they just aren’t interested? They might have an insecure avoidant attachment style.

        What happens when you’re running late to a date? If they start sending texts after only 3 minutes to ask if you’re still coming, they might be an anxious type.

        No relationship is perfect and certainly no relationship is bound to fail just because of attachment styles. By understanding your person attachment style and that of your partner’s, though, you can make real progress toward ensuring your future happiness together.

        Reference

        More by this author

        Amber Pariona

        EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

        What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It How to Know If You’re Really in Love or Not (Yes It Can Be Confusing) Why You and Your Partner Don’t Need to Speak the Same Love Language to Stay Together Why Worrying About Losing a Friend Is Unnecessary No.1 Relationship Killer: Your Good Intention to Advise Your Partner When They’re Upset

        Trending in Psychology

        1 How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind 2 How to Handle Rejection and Overcome the Fear of Being Rejected 3 8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies 4 20 Things Only Parents Of Children With Dyslexia Would Understand 5 How to Find the Purpose of Life and Start Living a Fulfilling Life

        Read Next

        Advertising
        Advertising

        Published on November 28, 2018

        How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

        How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

        The woman in yoga pants sitting in a lotus position atop a rocky cliff, overlooking a valley draped in fog — this is the glamorized version of meditation you’ll come across as you search. Yet if you’re seeking meditation to calm your mind, a fantastic setting with no distractions is rarely available.

        So how to do meditation?

        The truth about meditation is it’s an everyday practice for anybody. You could be a mountain climber or you could be an accountant — either way, your home is just as good a place for meditation as any.

        Are you seeking to corral your racing thoughts and relieve a sense of unease, awkwardness, or uncertainty? Look to home meditation to cultivate a laid-back, creative, confident, and organized frame of mind. According to extensive scientific research, meditation relieves stress and anxiety, decreases blood pressure, improves sleep, and improves your ability to pay attention. [1]

        From start to finish, this article will give you quick, easy steps to follow so that you can meditate at home regularly. You’ll begin by assessing, identifying and altering things that need to change in your home environment. You’ll end by understanding the basics of meditation so that you can let yourself do what you already know how to do deep down in the hidden reality of your mind.

        You’re ready to let your mind be, and just be, in your own home — let’s begin.

        1. Find the Right Space in Your Home

        Where is your right space for meditation at home? Is it in your basement, your bedroom, your living room, or your study?

        The right space will be one with the least distractions built in to its purpose. In that case, it may be your bedroom. If you’ve set up your bedroom to be a place for sleep and only sleep, it will lend itself well to meditation.

        Advertising

        The right space will also be a reasonably spacious one. Although comfort is not your goal, you need room to sit. Choose a space that is private, spacious, and quiet. If you don’t have a space in your home like this, create one. Free it from clutter and get it ready for you to meditate there any time.

        Ultimately, your right space is one you feel comfortable meditating in, the space you can enter with no other expectations.

        2. Improve the Feng Shui in Your Home and Meditation Space

        Feng shui means “wind and water.” It’s the ancient Chinese art of placement.[2]

        Feng shui improves harmony with nature. Adherents to the principles of feng shui believe all things have energy (chi). The focus of feng shui is to send negative chi (sha) out of the space and attract positive chi (yun).

        Here’s the truth about feng shui: it’s not complicated or hard. The following will influence feng shui positively in your home and meditation space:

        • Living things, such as plants
        • Beautiful objects, such as sculptures or even a well-polished piece of driftwood
        • Mirrors in symmetrical placement with the lines in a room
        • Mellifluous sounds, such as trickling water or wind chimes
        • Furniture away from walls
        • A centerpiece, such as a small table with books or an ornate lamp on it
        • Incense or something else that smells good
        • A lack of clutter and an attention to organization that emphasizes the usefulness, purpose, and essential being of each item in your house

        Given that feng shui is connected to Taoism and Buddhism, it will complement the meditative atmosphere you want to cultivate in your home.

        3. Eliminate Pervasive Distractions That Can Harm Your Wellbeing

        In part, meditation is about accepting the existence of distractions. When you meditate, you don’t judge and assign a positive or a negative value to distractions — the ticking of a clock, an itch, the barking of a dog — you let them occur and let them dissipate like waves.

        However, in the same way that feng shui removes objects that attract negative chi, there are certain types of distractions that don’t belong in your meditative space. You must remove them.

        Advertising

        In a survey of 1,700 people who visited social media sites at least 30 times per week, 30 percent reported high levels of sleep disturbance and 25 percent presented symptoms of depression. [3]

        Those individuals who experience sleep disturbances or mental health issues due to social media are not setting boundaries between themselves and their connected devices.

        Part of learning how to meditate at home is learning how and when to set boundaries between yourself and your connected devices and social media accounts. If you need your phone for a timed meditation practice, but you normally receive social media notifications on your phone, set it on Do Not Disturb or Airplane mode during your meditation time.

        4. Flow into Meditation Through Time

        Next, set aside a time for meditation each day. It’s right to be structured and disciplined about your meditation time.

        Buddhist monks whose lives revolve around meditation are very structured and organized with their tasks each day. Structure provides the balance your being needs. Once you are meditating, your mind has no need for time. Outside of your given meditation time, you are completing tasks essential to the wellbeing of yourself and your home.

        Consider meditating as the sun rises. This is a quiet and contemplative time of the day when it is natural to set your day’s balance through meditation.

        5. Recognize the Rightness of Doing Nothing

        At home, you’re probably used to always doing something. When you do meditation at home, you are being, which is doing something and nothing simultaneously.

        Maryville University points out that successful people unplug by doing nothing. [4] Not only this, but they set the right expectations for the time during which they will do nothing.

        Advertising

        We oftentimes look forward to the future by expecting something to happen and by expecting something of ourselves. To meditate from home, look to that time and that space by expecting nothing. You will not do any chores. You will not catch up on work. You will do nothing but meditate for a certain amount of time each day.

        This might sound crazy, but in taking on meditation from home, you’re not expecting yourself to improve and become a better person. As Ram Dass put it, you are expecting yourself to be here now.

        6. Choose from the Incredible Variety of Meditative Practices

        As I outlined in my post on types of meditation, there are many different and not-so-different types of meditation from which to choose.

        Many beginners find it right to choose guided meditation, for which there are apps, videos, and audio tapes available.

        If you are not necessarily a beginner but are merely moving your meditative practice into the home, you can facilitate a practice such as Nada Yoga — sound meditation — by placing a fountain in your space or listening to ambient alpha wave music.

        If you’re used to meditating outside of your home — perhaps you are drawn to the outdoors because of the sounds of nature — a practice like Nada Yoga can help you transition into your home space.

        7. Understand You Can Meditate Any Time at Home

        What if I told you to throw out all of the tips that came before this? Sounds crazy but that is how radical mindfulness meditation really is. We don’t think of it as radical because it is now ingrained in our popular discourse.

        Mindfulness meditation does start as a sitting meditation practice. It goes like this:

        Advertising

        1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
        2. Focus on breathing. Inhale through your nose slowly and exhale slowly.
        3. As distracting thoughts arise, don’t judge them and don’t hang onto them. Let each thought go as you focus on breathing.
        4. Treat all physical sensations and feelings in the same way you do thoughts: register them, then let them go, returning to breathing.
        5. Extend this practice to everyday activity, remaining “in the moment” of the body’s activity with each new breath.

        As you practice mindfulness around your home, note the physical characteristics of the things in themselves. Note physical sensations: sounds, smells, textures, appearances, tastes. Stop now and then and do a body scan from head to toe, noting what each section is doing and how it’s feeling.

        Note thoughts that come and the emotions attached to them: let them go. Concentrate on the breath and the physical activities — including the details of the objects with which you’re interacting.

        You’ll notice that your home will lend itself to a meditative state when things are in order. This is where true feng shui originates. You will naturally sense how the arrangement of things affects the energy in a room.

        Clutter will disappear because mindfulness tells you to dispose of unnecessary things. Plants will bloom. Birds will make their nests in your backyard. Your home will smell pleasing and people will naturally be attracted to it and your presence.

        You’ve Reached the Beginning and the End

        Once you are able to do mindfulness meditation even as you are attending to the normal and abnormal requirements of your home, the mundane and the unusual, you are at both the beginning and the end.

        You are at the beginning because meditation never ends. Continue setting aside time each day to do sitting meditation in the space you’ve set aside. Continue practicing mindfulness as you attend to the energy of your house, your own energy, and the energy of those around you.

        You are at the end because you grasped what it means to do meditation at home: it means letting go of cares and concerns and being in your home as you attend to the right tasks. The right tasks are those necessary for being in your home.

        As you sit in your home, rise, open the door and you leave, you are calm in your mind because you are home.

        Featured photo credit: Simon Rae via unsplash.com

        Reference

        [1]Healthline: 12 Science-Based Benefits of Meditation
        [2]Marquette University: Feng Shui: The Wind and Water
        [3]Rutgers University: Social Media and Well-Being
        [4]Maryville University: How Successful People Unplug

        Read Next