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Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours

Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours

Ever heard of attachment theory? It’s the theory that explains what kind of attachment we form in our adult relationships, particularly with our romantic partners.

Some relationships have compatible attachment styles. Others are not so lucky. When you end up dating somebody with a different attachment style, it can lead to all kinds of conflict in the relationship. One of these conflicts could be about time. For example, attachment theory explains that some people expect to spend all of their free time with their partners. Other people, however, neither want nor need to spend so much time with their partners. This difference can cause a struggle between two people as they try to agree on how much time to invest in the relationship.

Changing your attachment style is a long and difficult process.

You can definitely try to change your particular attachment style, but that’s a really long and difficult process. According to attachment theory, we develop our attachment style when we are small children. It’s usually based on the relationship we had with our parents.

Instead, we’re going to talk about the different types of attachment styles and which combinations are better for relationships. If you can identify your exact attachment style, you can find a partner who fits your needs. This, of course, is the ideal situation. If you’re already in a relationship, however, and your attachment combination isn’t so good, don’t worry! There’s still hope for you and your significant other.

Four attachment styles.

Attachment theory identifies 4 types of attachment styles:

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Secure – You tend to feel secure and close to your partner, while still respecting each person’s independence.

Insecure Anxious – You tend to feel unhappy in your relationships and sometimes act possessive of your partner. You worry a lot that you will lose your significant other, who you depend on for your happiness.

Insecure Avoidant – You tend to put distance between yourself and your partner, doing everything possible to avoid an emotional connection. Your partner may feel that you are not concerned with the relationship.

Insecure Disorganized – You have difficulty trusting other people and experience a variety of fears, including: getting too close to your partner or being too distant. Your emotions tend to change quickly, which keeps you in a constant state of confusion.

Each attachment combination has a different outlook for the relationship.

Positive Outlook

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    If either person has a secure attachment style, then the relationship has a positive outlook. Attachment theory tells us that the person with a secure attachment style is able to validate their partner’s concerns. They can even help their less secure partner overcome their insecurities.

    Challenging Outlook

      The anxious + anxious combination is challenging. People with this attachment style are able to read small changes in emotion and behavior. This perceptive ability combined with their anxious insecurity results in jumping to conclusions.[1] In short, two insecure anxious people have the potential to experience a relationship full of drama, jealousy, and arguments. The same happens for the insecure disorganized + insecure disorganized combination.

      When an avoidant one pairs up with another avoidant one, there’ll be little communication, which may seem to be fine at the beginning as both aren’t demanding. But as time goes by the connection will become weaker and it’s hard to sustain the relationship.

      Toxic Combination

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        If the two attachment styles are anxious and avoidant, things are going to be difficult. You should probably mentally prepare yourself for the kind of issues that this combination might bring to your life. If you’re thinking about getting into this romance, think again.

        Interestingly, these two types of attachment are often drawn together. That’s because they almost complement each other. An anxious person has fear of losing their partner and so they wait for the avoidant person to decide to commit to the relationship. This combination validates the avoidant person’s behavior.[2]

        As insecure disorganized style is a combination of the anxious type and the avoidant type, when the anxious side comes up, it’ll be a disaster with the avoidant type. When the avoidant side comes up, conflicts will arise with the anxious type. That’s why both insecure disorganized + insecure avoidant and insecure disorganized+ insecure anxious are not likely to work.

        Be honest with yourself to identify your attachment style.

        In order to find someone who fits your attachment style, you must first identify it. Think about the way you react to the things your partner does.

        If they tell you they’ll call at 6:00 pm and they don’t call until 6:30 pm, do you spend that half hour worrying what could have possibly gone wrong? Do you start feeling vulnerable or thinking you’ve probably been abandoned? Be honest with yourself, you’ve probably been known to pout or start arguments with your partner. Sound familiar? You’re probably an insecure anxious type.

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        Think about how you feel after you spend a lot of time with your significant other. Do you need some time to yourself? Or maybe you feel like being in a long term relationship means you’ll lose your identity or independence. If this sounds like you, you could be have an insecure avoidant attachment type.

        Observe your partner’s behavior to find out their attachment style.

        It may seem more difficult to identify your significant other’s attachment style, but it’s not impossible. You might not know exactly how they feel internally, but you can observe their behaviors. Think about how they react to your concerns. If you’ve had a bad day and you come home talking about it, what do they say? Do you feel ignored, like they just aren’t interested? They might have an insecure avoidant attachment style.

        What happens when you’re running late to a date? If they start sending texts after only 3 minutes to ask if you’re still coming, they might be an anxious type.

        No relationship is perfect and certainly no relationship is bound to fail just because of attachment styles. By understanding your person attachment style and that of your partner’s, though, you can make real progress toward ensuring your future happiness together.

        Reference

        More by this author

        Amber Pariona

        EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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        Last Updated on March 17, 2020

        4 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting

        4 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting

        Are you bored at work right now?

        Sitting at your desk, wishing you could be anywhere other than here, doing anything else…?

        You’re not alone.

        Even when you have a job you love, it’s easy to get bored. And if your job isn’t something you’re passionate about, it’s even easier for boredom to creep in.

        Did you know it’s actually possible to make any job more interesting?

        That’s right.

        Whether it’s data entry or shelf stacking, even the most mind-numbing of jobs can be made more fun.

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        Understanding the science behind boredom is the first step to beating it.

        Read on to learn the truth about boredom, and what you can do to stop feeling bored at work for good.

        VIDEO SUMMARY

        I’m bored – as you’re watching the same film over and over again, even though it’s your favorite one

        When you experience something new, your brain releases opioids – chemicals which make you feel good. [1]

        It’s the feeling you might get when you taste a new food for the first time, watch a cool new film, or meet a new person.

        However, the next time you have the same experience, the brain processes it in a different way, without releasing so many feel-good chemicals.

        That’s why you won’t get the same thrill when you eat that delicious meal for the tenth time, rewatch that film again, or spend time with the same friend.

        So, in a nutshell, we get bored when we aren’t having any new experiences.

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        Now, new experiences don’t have to be huge life changes – they could be as simple as taking a different route to work, or picking a different sandwich shop for lunch.

        We’re going to apply this theory to your boring job.

        Keep reading find out how to make subtle changes to the way you work to defeat boredom and have more fun.

        Your work can be much more interesting if you learn these little tricks.

        Ready to learn how to stop feeling so bored at work?

        We’ve listed some simple suggestions below – you can start implementing these right now.

        Let’s do this.

        Make routine tasks more interesting by adding something new

        Sometimes one new element is all it takes to turn routine tasks from dull to interesting.

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        Maybe there’s a long drive you have to make every single week. You get so bored, going the same old route to make the same old deliveries.

        Why not make it a routine to create a playlist of new music each Sunday, to listen to on your boring drive during the week?

        Just like that, something you dread can be turned into the highlight of your day.

        For other routine tasks, you could try setting a timer and trying to beat your record, moving to a new location to complete the task, or trying out a new technique for getting the work done – you might even improve your productivity, too.

        Combine repetitive tasks to get them out of the way

        Certain tasks are difficult to make interesting, no matter how hard you try.

        Get these yawn-inducing chores out of the way ASAP by combining them into one quick, focused batch.

        For example, if you hate listening to meeting recordings, and dislike tidying your desk, do them both at the same time. You’ll halve the time you spend bored out of your mind, and can move onto more interesting tasks as soon as you’re done.

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        Break large tasks into small pieces and plan breaks between them

        Feeling overwhelmed can lead you to procrastinate and get bored. Try breaking up large tasks into lots of small pieces to keep things manageable and fun.

        Try breaking up a 10,000 word report into 1000-word sections. Reward yourself at the end of each section, and you’ll get 10 mini mood boosts, instead of just one at the end.

        You can also plan short breaks between each section, which will help to prevent boredom and keep you focused.

        Give yourself regular rewards, it can be anything that makes you feel good

        Make sure you reward yourself for achievements, even if they feel small.

        Rewards could include:

        • Eating your favourite snack.
        • Taking a walk in a natural area.
        • Spending a few minutes on a fun online game.
        • Buying yourself a small treat.
        • Visiting a new place.
        • Spending time on a favourite hobby.

        Your brain will come to associate work with fun rewards, and you’ll soon feel less bored and more motivated.

        Boredom doesn’t have to be a fact of life.

        Make your working life feel a thousand times more fun by following the simple tips above.

        Reference

        [1] Psychology Today: Why People Get Bored

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