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Are You Being Emotionally Exploited?

Are You Being Emotionally Exploited?

Have you ever been part of an interaction with another person that left you feeling drained, confused, and inadequate? You may have been dealing with an emotional manipulator. These people get an A+ in stealth coercion. Often times, you’ll walk away from these situations giving the other person exactly what he/she wanted without even realizing that you gave it to them in the first place.

It may start out as a completely normal conversation. Maybe you came to them because something they said or did upset you and, like the grown up person you are, you pulled them aside to try and talk it out. Or, maybe there’s actually no conversation at all. Maybe this person is someone you have to be around a lot: An in-law, a co-worker, or a boss. Maybe he/she uses body language and nonverbal cues that make it more than clear that you aren’t welcome, accepted, or liked, but then when he/she speaks with you, it’s in the most polite and sincere tone you have ever heard.

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    Emotional manipulators (or Machiavellian-Feeling Ninjas, as I like to call them) are skilled deceivers. They usually have high emotional intelligence and can bend and shape any social interaction to their advantage. They are shrewd observers, taking in the communication around them and easily establishing a baseline on individuals which they will use to analyze that person’s strengths and weaknesses. They may even ask probing questions in conversational tones in order to get a better fix on you. Once they have you down, they’ll use their knowledge to exert dominance over you.

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      There are several ways they could do this, from sarcastic cutting remarks disguised as “jokes,” to guilt-baiting you and trying to convince you that their happiness is your responsibility. I once dated a guy who actually told me that it was my job to keep him happy. “That’s how relationships work. You’re supposed to make sure I’m happy.” Yes, those words came out of his mouth, and when I tried to explain to him that his happiness was his own responsibility, he got upset and claimed that I didn’t care about him. This is another tactic these emotion ninjas use.

      If they know they can get away with it, they will play the victim. They want you to feel sorry for them because they know this will increase their chances of getting what they want, and sometimes what they want is just to feel good about themselves at your expense.

      http://gph.is/2eoWmPl

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      Guilt-baiting and passive aggressive jokes aren’t the only strategies manipulators use to get their way. A friend of mine once dealt with a mother-in-law who used what I call the “let-down con.”

      Let me explain. My friend and her husband had a one-year-old son together. Their parenting style differed greatly from that of her husband’s parents, and this caused issues between them. In order to keep from disrupting the family relationship, my friend and her husband sat his parents down and let them know what their boundaries were. One of those boundaries included the fact that they would not be taking their son to his parents’ home without one or both of them present because of the environment.

      The mother-in-law would then make plans or offer to babysit for her and her husband, sometimes weeks in advance. Then she would cancel thirty, fifteen, and even ten minutes before the scheduled time. After putting the two of them in a bind, the mother-in-law would then make excuses or remarks on how she would have no trouble watching her grandson if they would bring him to her house. This is a classic example of how a manipulator can use negative surprises as a weapon against you.

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        Of course, one of the most well-known and obvious tactics that manipulators use is the distortion of facts. My ex was a pro at this. Not only would he lie frequently, but when I caught him in a lie, he’d turn the tables on me and try to make it my fault.

        I’m not even talking about the obvious cheater lies here either. You know the whole, “Well I cheated because you make me unhappy. You aren’t satisfying me…” blah blah blah crap? No, I’m talking about lies that make absolutely zero sense, or withholding information just for the purpose of making me look bad.

        For example, I once pointed out during a disagreement that he was trying to manipulate me. He then accused me of being the one manipulating him, naming off times that I had done so. None of the things he mentioned ever happened. In fact, most of them were easily disproved because I wasn’t even there on the specific date he mentioned. I knew that I hadn’t done or said any of the things he said that I had, but he held on so strongly and argued so convincingly that it actually made me question myself.

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        Another thing he would do is tell me the wrong time for family get togethers so I would show up late. He’d then state in front of everyone, “I told you to be here at X time.”

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          Then there’s the whole cold shoulder treatment.

          I have a friend whose in-laws repeatedly threatened not to invite her to family gatherings or summer vacations at their lake house because she would not act the way they wanted her to. My friend is very down to earth. One of those “what you see is what you get” types of people. She isn’t rude or loud or trashy, but her in-laws wanted her to “toe the line” when it came to social outings with them. She was expected to agree with them and do what they wanted her to do without question. She was even told that she wasn’t accepted into the family because of her “behavior.”

          She explained politely that she wasn’t going to change who she was for anyone, and she wouldn’t behave a certain way just because they wanted her to. This is when they began to “ice” her out. Even though she really didn’t care to go where she wasn’t wanted, it still hurt her. These were people who were supposed to be her family, and she didn’t want to be the reason her husband had problems with them. Not to mention the effect this type of relationship had on her children.

          I tried to point out to her that standing up for herself was the right thing to do. Yes, it’s a sticky situation when you have family involved, but life is too short to have those kinds of negative people in your life. Truly, it’s not her job to be accepted by them. Her husband married her because of who she is. If his family doesn’t want to be a part of their lives, then that’s their choice, not hers.

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            So what do you do when you encounter a Machiavellian-Feeling Ninja? How do you combat a slick and cunning manipulator who can out-argue logic and reason?

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            One word: Boundaries.

            That’s right. You have to know your boundaries. In an article from Psychology Today, communications expert Preston Ni discusses fundamental human rights that apply to all of us. These rights are our boundaries, our lines in the sand. When one of these rights is violated, we have a responsibility to ourselves to defend that right. No healthy relationship, whether it be family, personal, or business related, can be maintained if these boundaries are crossed.

            1. You Have The Right To Be Treated With Respect

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            No matter what the interaction is, you deserve to be treated with respect. This means that the other person involved is considerate, polite, fair, and open. They are not dismissive, belittling, or degrading. When you show someone respect, you practice gratitude, sincerity, and encouragement.

            2. You Have The Right To Express Your Feelings, Opinions, & Wants

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              No one is ever going to agree with everything you have to say. That’s fine. It’s also fine for them to tell you so, or to offer a different point of view or counterargument. In fact, I strongly believe the best decisions are made after hearing opposing arguments and finding the middle ground. However, if someone tries to tell you that your opinion is wrong, or that you don’t have a right to express yourself, then you have a problem. No one should ever tell you that your feelings don’t matter, that your needs and desires aren’t important, or aren’t as important as theirs. We are all equal on this front.

              3. You Have The Right To Set Your Own Priorities

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                Barring that physical harm to another human being is at the top of your list, what you choose to focus on is your decision. No one can tell you what’s important to you. Other people don’t know your values, principles, or beliefs. Other people aren’t inside your head. They don’t have the same life experiences as you. So how could they possibly know how you should live your life?

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                They can give you guidance. They can offer advice and opinions on what they think is best, but only you know what’s best for you.

                4. You Have The Right To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

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                  Let me state this clearly: NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR SAYING NO. EVER. I don’t care what situation it is. It could be something as innocent as a group of friends hounding you for saying you didn’t want to go out that night. It could be your boss pressuring you to work overtime when you have other plans. It could be your next door neighbor attempting to guilt trip you into joining the neighborhood watch, or your kids’ PTO pressuring you to cook for the bake sale instead of ordering from the bakery in town. Or, it could be more sinister: A boyfriend (or girlfriend) pressuring you to have sex, peers pressuring you to drink, a loved one pressuring you keep dangerous secrets.

                  Regardless of the context or people involved, no means no, and if they respect you as a human being, they won’t try to make you feel guilty for saying it. If they do, then it’s definitely time to rethink your relationship with them.

                  5. You Have The Right To Protect Yourself From Threats

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                    Whether the threat is emotional, mental, or physical, you have the right to protect yourself against it. If someone has or is trying to cause you harm, you need to get away from them and seek help immediately. HelpGuide has a fantastic article on domestic abuse. It describes, in detail, how to spot abuse, what to do about it, and who to call. You can find the article HERE. For more resources, check out THIS article on the different types of abuse, or THIS article on emotional abuse.

                    Gaslighting has been in the media a lot lately. It’s really just a different form of emotional abuse. You can find information about gaslighting HERE.

                    6. You Have The Right To Create Your Own Happy & Healthy Life

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                      Your life is your own, and no one has a right to prevent you from creating that life the way that you see fit. Again, as long as you aren’t harming others, you have the right to find happiness and to live in good health. Healthiness isn’t just about exercise and the availability of good drinking water. It also includes emotional and psychological health. No one should threaten these things. No one has the right to take them away from you. It is a fundamental human right.

                      These rights are a good starting point in creating boundaries for yourself. They’re also a good way to ensure that you aren’t violating the rights of others. Just as you have the right to healthy boundaries, so do the others you share this planet with.

                      Featured photo credit: Pixabay via pexels.com

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                      Jessica Willing

                      Freelance Writer

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                      Last Updated on November 11, 2019

                      Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                      Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                      A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

                      You know how this looks:

                      • Parents constantly comparing children.
                      • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
                      • Domestic violence.
                      • Adultery…
                      • And many others.

                      For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

                      Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

                      Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

                      This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

                      In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

                      If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

                      How to fix a dysfunctional family

                      In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

                      And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

                      Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

                      It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

                      Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

                      Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

                      There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

                      Dysfunctional… Or just average?

                      Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

                      The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

                      You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

                      A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

                      Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

                      Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

                      • Unrealistic expectations
                      • Lack of interest and time spent together
                      • Sexism
                      • Utilitarianism
                      • Lack of empathy
                      • Unequal or unfair treatment
                      • Disrespect towards boundaries
                      • Control Issues
                      • Jealousy
                      • Verbal and physical abuse
                      • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

                      You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

                      If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

                      Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

                      How to turn it around

                      When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

                      But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

                      One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

                      We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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                      As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

                      What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

                      Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

                      Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

                      Correction is possible

                      In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

                      Verbalize it.

                      All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

                      Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

                      This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

                      But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

                      So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

                      Putting it to work in real life

                      In real life it would be something like this:

                      “OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

                      Or:

                      “Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

                      Or:

                      “Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

                      As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

                      This is what you have to remember:

                      1-Stop.

                      2-Why it’s wrong?

                      3-What you need.

                      And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

                      It’s a family thing

                      A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

                      Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

                      In other words, you will need cooperation…

                      So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

                      Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

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                      We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

                      You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

                      It’s not a free-for-all battle

                      In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

                      No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

                      Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

                      And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

                      The method

                      1. Drop the ego

                      Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

                      You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

                      Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

                      What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

                      It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

                      After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

                      Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

                      Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

                      Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

                      And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

                      You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

                      2. Not blame, but responsibility

                      When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

                      But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

                      When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

                      What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

                      Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

                      As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

                      You will do something like this:

                      “Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

                      I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

                      You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

                      I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

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                      It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

                      What happened here?

                      We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

                      We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

                      We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

                      And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

                      You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

                      This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

                      3. Doing the work

                      What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

                      This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

                      Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

                      If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

                      It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

                      “When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

                      I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

                      But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

                      You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

                      Love is all you need

                      You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

                      That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

                      And what happens if it simply is not there?

                      What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

                      What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

                      There is only one thing you can do:

                      To break away.

                      Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

                      There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

                      “We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

                      If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

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                      Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

                      You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

                      Putting distance

                      So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

                      What do I mean?

                      Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

                      Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

                      Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

                      Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

                      They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

                      Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

                      I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

                      I choose my peace of mind.

                      And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

                      Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

                      Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

                      How to prevent it

                      There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

                      • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
                      • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

                      Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

                      You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

                      Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

                      Priorities and clear thought

                      You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

                      You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

                      You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

                      Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

                      If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

                      And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

                      Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

                      But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

                      Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com

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