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Are You Being Emotionally Exploited?

Are You Being Emotionally Exploited?

Have you ever been part of an interaction with another person that left you feeling drained, confused, and inadequate? You may have been dealing with an emotional manipulator. These people get an A+ in stealth coercion. Often times, you’ll walk away from these situations giving the other person exactly what he/she wanted without even realizing that you gave it to them in the first place.

It may start out as a completely normal conversation. Maybe you came to them because something they said or did upset you and, like the grown up person you are, you pulled them aside to try and talk it out. Or, maybe there’s actually no conversation at all. Maybe this person is someone you have to be around a lot: An in-law, a co-worker, or a boss. Maybe he/she uses body language and nonverbal cues that make it more than clear that you aren’t welcome, accepted, or liked, but then when he/she speaks with you, it’s in the most polite and sincere tone you have ever heard.

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    Emotional manipulators (or Machiavellian-Feeling Ninjas, as I like to call them) are skilled deceivers. They usually have high emotional intelligence and can bend and shape any social interaction to their advantage. They are shrewd observers, taking in the communication around them and easily establishing a baseline on individuals which they will use to analyze that person’s strengths and weaknesses. They may even ask probing questions in conversational tones in order to get a better fix on you. Once they have you down, they’ll use their knowledge to exert dominance over you.

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      There are several ways they could do this, from sarcastic cutting remarks disguised as “jokes,” to guilt-baiting you and trying to convince you that their happiness is your responsibility. I once dated a guy who actually told me that it was my job to keep him happy. “That’s how relationships work. You’re supposed to make sure I’m happy.” Yes, those words came out of his mouth, and when I tried to explain to him that his happiness was his own responsibility, he got upset and claimed that I didn’t care about him. This is another tactic these emotion ninjas use.

      If they know they can get away with it, they will play the victim. They want you to feel sorry for them because they know this will increase their chances of getting what they want, and sometimes what they want is just to feel good about themselves at your expense.

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      Guilt-baiting and passive aggressive jokes aren’t the only strategies manipulators use to get their way. A friend of mine once dealt with a mother-in-law who used what I call the “let-down con.”

      Let me explain. My friend and her husband had a one-year-old son together. Their parenting style differed greatly from that of her husband’s parents, and this caused issues between them. In order to keep from disrupting the family relationship, my friend and her husband sat his parents down and let them know what their boundaries were. One of those boundaries included the fact that they would not be taking their son to his parents’ home without one or both of them present because of the environment.

      The mother-in-law would then make plans or offer to babysit for her and her husband, sometimes weeks in advance. Then she would cancel thirty, fifteen, and even ten minutes before the scheduled time. After putting the two of them in a bind, the mother-in-law would then make excuses or remarks on how she would have no trouble watching her grandson if they would bring him to her house. This is a classic example of how a manipulator can use negative surprises as a weapon against you.

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        Of course, one of the most well-known and obvious tactics that manipulators use is the distortion of facts. My ex was a pro at this. Not only would he lie frequently, but when I caught him in a lie, he’d turn the tables on me and try to make it my fault.

        I’m not even talking about the obvious cheater lies here either. You know the whole, “Well I cheated because you make me unhappy. You aren’t satisfying me…” blah blah blah crap? No, I’m talking about lies that make absolutely zero sense, or withholding information just for the purpose of making me look bad.

        For example, I once pointed out during a disagreement that he was trying to manipulate me. He then accused me of being the one manipulating him, naming off times that I had done so. None of the things he mentioned ever happened. In fact, most of them were easily disproved because I wasn’t even there on the specific date he mentioned. I knew that I hadn’t done or said any of the things he said that I had, but he held on so strongly and argued so convincingly that it actually made me question myself.

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        Another thing he would do is tell me the wrong time for family get togethers so I would show up late. He’d then state in front of everyone, “I told you to be here at X time.”

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          Then there’s the whole cold shoulder treatment.

          I have a friend whose in-laws repeatedly threatened not to invite her to family gatherings or summer vacations at their lake house because she would not act the way they wanted her to. My friend is very down to earth. One of those “what you see is what you get” types of people. She isn’t rude or loud or trashy, but her in-laws wanted her to “toe the line” when it came to social outings with them. She was expected to agree with them and do what they wanted her to do without question. She was even told that she wasn’t accepted into the family because of her “behavior.”

          She explained politely that she wasn’t going to change who she was for anyone, and she wouldn’t behave a certain way just because they wanted her to. This is when they began to “ice” her out. Even though she really didn’t care to go where she wasn’t wanted, it still hurt her. These were people who were supposed to be her family, and she didn’t want to be the reason her husband had problems with them. Not to mention the effect this type of relationship had on her children.

          I tried to point out to her that standing up for herself was the right thing to do. Yes, it’s a sticky situation when you have family involved, but life is too short to have those kinds of negative people in your life. Truly, it’s not her job to be accepted by them. Her husband married her because of who she is. If his family doesn’t want to be a part of their lives, then that’s their choice, not hers.

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            So what do you do when you encounter a Machiavellian-Feeling Ninja? How do you combat a slick and cunning manipulator who can out-argue logic and reason?

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            One word: Boundaries.

            That’s right. You have to know your boundaries. In an article from Psychology Today, communications expert Preston Ni discusses fundamental human rights that apply to all of us. These rights are our boundaries, our lines in the sand. When one of these rights is violated, we have a responsibility to ourselves to defend that right. No healthy relationship, whether it be family, personal, or business related, can be maintained if these boundaries are crossed.

            1. You Have The Right To Be Treated With Respect

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            No matter what the interaction is, you deserve to be treated with respect. This means that the other person involved is considerate, polite, fair, and open. They are not dismissive, belittling, or degrading. When you show someone respect, you practice gratitude, sincerity, and encouragement.

            2. You Have The Right To Express Your Feelings, Opinions, & Wants

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              No one is ever going to agree with everything you have to say. That’s fine. It’s also fine for them to tell you so, or to offer a different point of view or counterargument. In fact, I strongly believe the best decisions are made after hearing opposing arguments and finding the middle ground. However, if someone tries to tell you that your opinion is wrong, or that you don’t have a right to express yourself, then you have a problem. No one should ever tell you that your feelings don’t matter, that your needs and desires aren’t important, or aren’t as important as theirs. We are all equal on this front.

              3. You Have The Right To Set Your Own Priorities

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                Barring that physical harm to another human being is at the top of your list, what you choose to focus on is your decision. No one can tell you what’s important to you. Other people don’t know your values, principles, or beliefs. Other people aren’t inside your head. They don’t have the same life experiences as you. So how could they possibly know how you should live your life?

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                They can give you guidance. They can offer advice and opinions on what they think is best, but only you know what’s best for you.

                4. You Have The Right To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

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                  Let me state this clearly: NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR SAYING NO. EVER. I don’t care what situation it is. It could be something as innocent as a group of friends hounding you for saying you didn’t want to go out that night. It could be your boss pressuring you to work overtime when you have other plans. It could be your next door neighbor attempting to guilt trip you into joining the neighborhood watch, or your kids’ PTO pressuring you to cook for the bake sale instead of ordering from the bakery in town. Or, it could be more sinister: A boyfriend (or girlfriend) pressuring you to have sex, peers pressuring you to drink, a loved one pressuring you keep dangerous secrets.

                  Regardless of the context or people involved, no means no, and if they respect you as a human being, they won’t try to make you feel guilty for saying it. If they do, then it’s definitely time to rethink your relationship with them.

                  5. You Have The Right To Protect Yourself From Threats

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                    Whether the threat is emotional, mental, or physical, you have the right to protect yourself against it. If someone has or is trying to cause you harm, you need to get away from them and seek help immediately. HelpGuide has a fantastic article on domestic abuse. It describes, in detail, how to spot abuse, what to do about it, and who to call. You can find the article HERE. For more resources, check out THIS article on the different types of abuse, or THIS article on emotional abuse.

                    Gaslighting has been in the media a lot lately. It’s really just a different form of emotional abuse. You can find information about gaslighting HERE.

                    6. You Have The Right To Create Your Own Happy & Healthy Life

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                      Your life is your own, and no one has a right to prevent you from creating that life the way that you see fit. Again, as long as you aren’t harming others, you have the right to find happiness and to live in good health. Healthiness isn’t just about exercise and the availability of good drinking water. It also includes emotional and psychological health. No one should threaten these things. No one has the right to take them away from you. It is a fundamental human right.

                      These rights are a good starting point in creating boundaries for yourself. They’re also a good way to ensure that you aren’t violating the rights of others. Just as you have the right to healthy boundaries, so do the others you share this planet with.

                      Featured photo credit: Pixabay via pexels.com

                      More by this author

                      Jessica Willing

                      Freelance Writer

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                      Last Updated on July 15, 2019

                      41 Beautiful Pictures That Show What True Love Is All About

                      41 Beautiful Pictures That Show What True Love Is All About

                      Some things in life are hard to describe, yet we can recognize them when we see them.

                      Love is one of those things.

                      True love comes in many different forms, but here are some that many of us know well.

                      True love means supporting those who can’t support themselves

                      supportive couple

                        A young man comforts his date in Times Square, New York City. Image by mbtrama

                        strong hug

                          A young man holds his significant other close to him. Image by Brad Fults

                          running help

                            A young track competitor helps one of her injured opponents over the finish line. Image from ViralNova.com

                            feeding kitten

                              A soldier in the Korean War takes time to feed a baby kitten. Image from US Naval Insititute

                              It’s having the perfect selfie partner

                              mom and daughter selfie

                                A mother and her daughter take a selfie together. Image by Andrew Fysh

                                girlfriends

                                  Two young girls pose for the camera. Image by Rolands Lakis

                                  selfies

                                    A happy couple takes a picture together. Image by Kayla Heineman

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                                    selfie

                                      Two best friends take a selfie together. Image by Jason Wahido

                                      dude selfie

                                        Friends take a selfie together. Image by Glenn Scofield Williams

                                        It’s all the warm fuzzies

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                                          A young man spends time with his dog on a beach. Image by Magdalena Roeseler

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                                            A pet owner hugs his dog while on a day trip in San Francisco. Image by Taro the Shiba Inu

                                            It means having a friend to photobomb you

                                            photobomb

                                              A boy makes a funny face as he poses for a picture with his brother. Image by Michael Bentley

                                              old man photobomb

                                                A man photobombs his wife while their grandson snaps a picture. Image by Frank

                                                family photobomb

                                                  Family members photobomb their relatives’ Thanksgiving day family photo. Image by Beth Scupham

                                                  boyfriend photobomb

                                                    A friend photobombs the photographer and their friend, the woman in the foreground of this photo. Image by Lachlan Hardy

                                                    True love means being there even when life gets unbearably hard

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                                                    shoulder to cry on

                                                      A family watches the Vermont National Guard depart for Afghanistan. Image by The U.S. Army

                                                      flood dog

                                                        During a monsoon in the Philippines, a boy carries his dog to safety. Image by Romeo Ranoco

                                                        A woman is rescued from flood waters by a resident standing on top of her car during heavy rain in Chalandri suburb north of Athens

                                                          A man helps a woman out of her vehicle during a flood in Chalandri, Greece. Image by John Kolesidis

                                                          lunch

                                                            A woman has lunch with her husband every day, even after he’s passed away. Image from ViralNova.com

                                                            hug

                                                              A woman hugs the mother of 6-year-old Noah Ponzer, who was one of the victims of the Sandy Hook shootings. Image by Spencer Platt

                                                              rubble

                                                                An Oklahoma couple pauses while trying to salvage belongings from a family member’s home after a tornado. Image by Adrees Latif

                                                                sister and brother

                                                                  A girl puts her arm around her little brother as they wait outside of Sandy Hook Elementary after gunshots are fired. Image by Reuters.

                                                                  headstone

                                                                    A woman sits at her husband’s grave the day before their wedding anniversary. Image from NBC news

                                                                    It means taking the time for long goodbyes

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                                                                      A man says goodbye to his son before deploying. Image by Official U.S. Navy Page

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                                                                      national guard goodbye

                                                                        A South Carolina man says goodbye to his son before deploying for Afghanistan. Image by The National Guard

                                                                        saying goodbye

                                                                          A Sergeant hugs both of his sons before being deployed to Afghanistan. Image by The National Guard

                                                                          And cherishing reunions

                                                                          husband home

                                                                            A woman hugs her husband as she sees him for the first time since his deployment to Iraq. Image by The U.S. Army

                                                                            boyfriend home

                                                                              A young  woman hugs her significant other as he returns home for Kuwait. Image by The National Guard

                                                                              mother hug

                                                                                A mother drops to her knees as she hugs her son on her return home from the Persian Gulf. Image by The National Guard

                                                                                True love is letting yourself feel young when they’re around

                                                                                elderly women

                                                                                  Two friends on their smartphones. Image by Robert Neff

                                                                                  feeling young

                                                                                    A young couple getting their picture taken. Image by db Photograph

                                                                                    sprinkler dad

                                                                                      A father plays in a sprinkler with his daughter at Millennium Park in Chicago. Image by Ben Forsberg

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                                                                                      subway couple

                                                                                        A young couple on a subway enjoys sharing time together, while the girlfriend’s father sneaks a photo of them. Image by Gareth Williams

                                                                                        wheelchairs

                                                                                          A couple holds hands on a fall day. Image by David Amsler

                                                                                          It’s letting yourself be silly… just because they’ll enjoy it

                                                                                          silly faces

                                                                                            A grandfather makes faces at the camera with his granddaughters. Image by Tim Pierce

                                                                                            vote for pedro

                                                                                              A woman’s father wears a Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt to make his daughter laugh. Image by emdot

                                                                                              True love is allowing yourself to show how you really feel

                                                                                              date night

                                                                                                A young couple kisses in the back of a restaurant in Washington, D.C. Image by Derek Key

                                                                                                playing violin

                                                                                                  Violinist Nancy Dinovo plays at a memorial service for the victims of 9/11. Image by Christopher Morris

                                                                                                  True love is timeless

                                                                                                  old friends

                                                                                                    Friends spending some time together. Image by Cristian Bortes

                                                                                                    sitting around a fire

                                                                                                      A group of friends sits around a campfire eating. Image by New Old Stock

                                                                                                      elderly couple

                                                                                                        An elderly couple walks down a street together. Image by Matteo Paciotti

                                                                                                        Featured photo credit: Matteo Paciotti via flickr.com

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