Advertising
Advertising

No Truly Happy Person Feels The Need To Stand In Front Of A Mirror And Recite That She’s Happy. She Just Is.

No Truly Happy Person Feels The Need To Stand In Front Of A Mirror And Recite That She’s Happy. She Just Is.

Be honest. When was the last time you laughed so hard that your ribs began to ache? Or better yet, when did you last find yourself sitting in quiet contentment, looking at something beautiful or nothing in particular? When you answer a question about your life to a friend do you find yourself altering the story to make it seem happier, while a peculiar sense of unease builds in the pit of your stomach? We all want to be happy. When we’re not we still want to convince our friends, family, and ourselves that we are because, in our society, happiness is equated with success. What happiness is truly, however, is completely transcendent of all worldly acquisitions, feats, and delusions.

Deluding Yourself Won’t Bring You Happiness

Have you ever felt down on yourself because when you look back and find you have everything that you said you wanted all of those years ago, you still don’t feel fulfilled? Do you shake it off and say to yourself, “I’m happy. Of course I’m happy”? Or maybe you say it in front of a mirror, put on a happy face, and try to further convince yourself. Here is a secret; gratitude may increase happiness but delusion won’t. “No truly happy person feels the need to stand in front of a mirror and recite that she’s happy. She just is.”[1] If you’re truly content with who you are and what you have, then you shouldn’t need to convince yourself or anyone else that you are. You’ll feel it above all else. Beware of trying to convince yourself that you’re happy just because you believe you should. If you aren’t happy it’s because you’re neglecting a key aspect of yourself and it’s calling out to you.

Advertising

Gratitude and Affirmations vs. Delusions

You may feel that using gratitude and positive affirmations are important ways to increase your happiness. You’re right. These tools are wonderful for helping you gain a more positive outlook on life and helping you achieve a greater level of contentment. The difference between using these and using delusions has to do with honesty. Always be honest when you go through your practice of gratitude and self-affirmation. If you lie then they cease to be an effective spiritual practice and will instead lead to greater suffering.

Advertising

Love and Happiness

Think about what love means to you. Does it mean pain, attachment, or loss? Real love means none of these things. The negatives that we associate with love don’t actually come from love but from a sense of attachment to an object or a person. If you feel an unhealthy sense of attachment to something, whether it be a person, a house, a job, or even just an idea, you may often feel unhappy when those things fall short of your expectations or when they’re lost. It’s important to redefine love as something pure and unalterable. You may hear different spiritual practices, such as Buddhism, talk about love in the context of love for all living things and its ability to make us unbelievably happy. This should be a long-term goal for all of us, however, for those living in the west, it’s hard to contemplate loving every living being when we don’t even love ourselves! For this reason, it’s important that to become a happier person; you learn the art of self-love. A sense of peace, happiness, and universal love will invariably follow.

Advertising

Self-Love

It’s important not to confuse the concept of self-love with egocentric behavior. It’s easy to tell the difference because self-love is unbiased, unconditional, and totally accepting. To love yourself is to accept your brightest day and your darkest night, to see your biggest success and your hardest fall with total impartiality. In western culture, many of us are programmed to believe we are only as good as our achievements. To be truly happy, you need to disregard this foolish propaganda. This all may seem very difficult to you, but if you’ve chosen to read this article, then one assumes that you are looking for a very true sense of happiness. And for the true seekers, happiness is always within reach. So how do you start? Here are some ideas:

  1. Write a list of things that you wish you could change about yourself.
  2. Next to it, write a list of things you appreciate about yourself. This will help you achieve an unbiased view of who you are and where you are in life. Using this unclouded view, you can learn to accept and love yourself and to change the things that you can’t accept.
  3. Put aside some quiet time. Why is this so important? It’s important because most of us spend too much of our day worrying about everything other than our own spiritual well-being.
  4. Take some time to meditate, draw, journal, or just sit quietly with a cup of tea. When you make this a daily habit you’ll begin to feel more comfortable being alone with yourself and more peaceful throughout your busy days.
  5. Spend time with the people who love you. One of the best ways to remember your own self-worth is to be around friends and family; people who make us feel loved and accepted.

Don’t Be Afraid of Major Life Changes

Sometimes people find stillness only after a storm that rocks the foundations of everything they thought they knew. If you’re stuck in a pattern of delusion and unhappiness in your current life situation, then your life situation may just need to change. Change is frightening to many people, but it’s necessary. Remember that the true enemy to happiness isn’t change, but stagnation. The only person who knows whether you are happy or not is you. Don’t deny yourself happiness by incorrectly assuming that you already are. You should never settle for inferior contentment; instead go out, embrace the adventure that is your life, and be happy.

Featured photo credit: Unslpash via pixabay.com

Advertising

Reference

[1] The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

More by this author

Marina Richter

Freelance Writer

Always Feeling Hungry? You Might Be Simply Thirsty Are You Satisfied with Your Relationship or Settling for Less? Take This Test to Find Out Once You Learn These 8 Hard Truths About Life, You’ll Become Much Stronger Mentally Strong People Don’t Just Tell Themselves To Be Happy, They Do These 4 Things How To Tell Someone You Love Them Subtly Yet Sweetly (100 Ways Provided)

Trending in Communication

1 50 Unique and Really Fun Date Ideas for Couples 2 Take Back Your Personal Power (Part 1) 3 Take Back Your Personal Power (Part 2) 4 When You Start to Let Go of Your Past, These 10 Things Will Happen 5 How to Learn to Let Go of What You Can’t Control

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on January 24, 2021

How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often

How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often

Do you say yes so often that you no longer feel that your own needs are being met? Are you wondering how to say no to people?

For years, I was a serial people pleaser[1]. Known as someone who would step up, I would gladly make time, especially when it came to volunteering for certain causes. I proudly carried this role all through grade school, college, even through law school. For years, I thought saying “no” meant I would disappoint a good friend or someone I respected.

But somewhere along the way, I noticed I wasn’t quite living my life. Instead, I seem to have created a schedule that was a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, what I thought I should be doing, and some of what I actually wanted to do. The result? I had a packed schedule that left me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

It took a long while, but I learned the art of saying no. Saying no meant I no longer catered fully to everyone else’s needs and could make more room for what I really wanted to do. Instead of cramming too much in, I chose to pursue what really mattered. When that happened, I became a lot happier.

And guess what? I hardly disappointed anyone.

The Importance of Saying No

When you learn the art of saying no, you begin to look at the world differently. Rather than seeing all of the things you could or should be doing (and aren’t doing), you start to look at how to say yes to what’s important.

In other words, you aren’t just reacting to what life throws at you. You seek the opportunities that move you to where you want to be.

Successful people aren’t afraid to say no. Oprah Winfrey, considered one of the most successful women in the world, confessed that it was much later in life when she learned how to say no. Even after she had become internationally famous, she felt she had to say yes to virtually everything.

Being able to say no also helps you manage your time better.

Warren Buffett views “no” as essential to his success. He said:

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

When I made “no” a part of my toolbox, I drove more of my own success, focusing on fewer things and doing them well.

How We Are Pressured to Say Yes

It’s no wonder a lot of us find it hard to say no.

From an early age, we are conditioned to say yes. We said yes probably hundreds of times in order to graduate from high school and then get into college. We said yes to find work, to get a promotion, to find love and then yes again to stay in a relationship. We said yes to find and keep friends.

We say yes because we feel good when we help someone, because it can seem like the right thing to do, because we think that is key to success, and because the request might come from someone who is hard to resist.

And that’s not all. The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves.

Advertising

At work, we say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. Outside of work, we say yes because we are feeling bad that we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends.

The message, no matter where we turn, is nearly always, “You really could be doing more.” The result? When people ask us for our time, we are heavily conditioned to say yes.

How Do You Say No Without Feeling Guilty?

Deciding to add the word “no” to your toolbox is no small thing. Perhaps you already say no, but not as much as you would like. Maybe you have an instinct that if you were to learn the art of no that you could finally create more time for things you care about.

But let’s be honest, using the word “no” doesn’t come easily for many people.

3 Rules of Thumbs for Saying No

1. You Need to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Let’s face it. It is hard to say no. Setting boundaries around your time, especially you haven’t done it much in the past, will feel awkward. Your comfort zone is “yes,” so it’s time to challenge that and step outside that.

If you need help getting out of your comfort zone, check out this article.

2. You Are the Air Traffic Controller of Your Time

When you want to learn how to say no, remember that you are the only one who understands the demands for your time. Think about it: who else knows about all of the demands in your life? No one.

Only you are at the center of all of these requests. You are the only one that understands what time you really have.

3. Saying No Means Saying Yes to Something That Matters

When we decide not to do something, it means we can say yes to something else that we may care more about. You have a unique opportunity to decide how you spend your precious time.

6 Ways to Start Saying No

Incorporating that little word “no” into your life can be transformational. Turning some things down will mean you can open doors to what really matters. Here are some essential tips to learn the art of no:

Advertising

1. Check in With Your Obligation Meter

One of the biggest challenges to saying no is a feeling of obligation. Do you feel you have a responsibility to say yes and worry that saying no will reflect poorly on you?

Ask yourself whether you truly have the duty to say yes. Check your assumptions or beliefs about whether you carry the responsibility to say yes. Turn it around and instead ask what duty you owe to yourself.

2. Resist the Fear of Missing out (FOMO)

Do you have a fear of missing out (FOMO)? FOMO can follow us around in so many ways. At work, we volunteer our time because we fear we won’t move ahead. In our personal lives, we agree to join the crowd because of FOMO, even while we ourselves aren’t enjoying the fun.

Check in with yourself. Are you saying yes because of FOMO or because you really want to say yes? More often than not, running after fear doesn’t make us feel better[2].

3. Check Your Assumptions About What It Means to Say No

Do you dread the reaction you will get if you say no? Often, we say yes because we worry about how others will respond or because of the consequences. We may be afraid to disappoint others or think we will lose their respect. We often forget how much we are disappointing ourselves along the way.

Keep in mind that saying no can be exactly what is needed to send the right message that you have limited time. In the tips below, you will see how to communicate your no in a gentle and loving way.

You might disappoint someone initially, but drawing a boundary can bring you the freedom you need so that you can give freely of yourself when you truly want to. And it will often help others have more respect for you and your boundaries, not less.

4. When the Request Comes in, Sit on It

Sometimes, when we are in the moment, we instinctively agree. The request might make sense at first. Or we typically have said yes to this request in the past.

Give yourself a little time to reflect on whether you really have the time or can do the task properly. You may decide the best option is to say no. There is no harm in giving yourself the time to decide.

5. Communicate Your “No” with Transparency and Kindness

When you are ready to tell someone no, communicate your decision clearly. The message can be open and honest[3] to ensure the recipient that your reasons have to do with your limited time.

Advertising

How do you say no? 9 Healthy Ways to Say “No”

    Resist the temptation not to respond or communicate all. But do not feel obligated to provide a lengthy account about why you are saying no.

    Clear communication with a short explanation is all that is needed. I have found it useful to tell people that I have many demands and need to be careful with how I allocate my time. I will sometimes say I really appreciate that they came to me and for them to check in again if the opportunity arises another time.

    6. Consider How to Use a Modified No

    If you are under pressure to say yes but want to say no, you may want to consider downgrading a “yes” to a “yes but…” as this will give you an opportunity to condition your agreement to what works best for you.

    Sometimes, the condition can be to do the task, but not in the time frame that was originally requested. Or perhaps you can do part of what has been asked.

    Final Thoughts

    Beginning right now, you can change how you respond to requests for your time. When the request comes in, take yourself off autopilot where you might normally say yes.

    Use the request as a way to draw a healthy boundary around your time. Pay particular attention to when you place certain demands on yourself.

    Try it now. Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project, but not by working all weekend. You’ll find yourself much happier.

    More Tips on How to Say No

    Featured photo credit: Chris Ainsworth via unsplash.com

    Reference

    [1] Science of People: 11 Expert Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Start Doing You
    [2] Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Tips to Get Over Your FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out
    [3] Cooks Hill Counseling: 9 Healthy Ways to Say “No”

    Read Next