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4 Step To Being More Mindful in The Chaos of Life

4 Step To Being More Mindful in The Chaos of Life

Until my late 20s, I felt like I had been fighting my whole life. Brought up on the south side of Johannesburg, in South African government housing (similar to “the projects” in the USA), I learned early on that what really mattered was not how smart you were, but whether you were tough enough.

Growing up, I often felt trapped in a really bad nightmare — and I wanted to wake up. My abusive, alcoholic mother kicked me out of the house at 17 and, as a result, I never finished high school. I found myself sleeping on the very same park bench I played in as a kid, with less than $20 in my pocket. I decided then and there, to change the trajectory of my life.

I turned things around, realizing that success comes down to what you do on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside. What I have learned over the years is that sustainable success in life, in the workplace, and as an entrepreneur — is MORE than just head smarts. You may have the ‘head smarts’ to make things happen in your life, but you still have to make it actually happen. Being successful in your business requires skillful inner management. In other words, you have to learn how to overcome your inner opponent. Not so easy of course, in the fast paced, ever changing world we now find ourselves in.

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Getting Real About the Craziness of Modern Life

I doubt anyone in the modern world would deny that life has become somewhat frenzied. There seems to be a series of continuous deadlines looming at work, not to mention being met every morning with 100s of emails to clear — even before we start the day. For those of us with kids, we find ourselves racing around from one extramural activity to the next. Even simply keeping up with social media is becoming a chore. In an attempt to help us declutter our lives, we search out life hacks to manage both our time and daily activities in a more efficient way.

In all of this frenzy we face in our lives each week, we often forget about ourselves. Sure, we may get to the gym, but it seems more about simply working out just to keep fit, and not really about living fully. We may eat healthy foods, but it feels more about consumption of optimal fuel, than optimal health. While we find ourselves ‘hacking’ everything — from ensuring we get through the day-to-day tasks more efficiently, to a 10-minute all round workout on our home gym — we often forget what truly drives success – ourselves.

All the life hacks in the world become meaningless unless you can effectively hack your own embodied-interface. Said another way, without skillful inner management of your mind, body, and emotions, you will invariably burn out and crash — no matter how well you have attempted to life hack your life. I call these inner management skills, Embodied-Growth Hacks (EGH). Each EG Hack is designed to help a person skilfully navigate their inner terrain for optimal success in the actual chaos of life.

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Mindfulness-in-action

The No 1 EG Hack that can save your sanity is mindfulness. Maybe you have heard about mindfulness? There is no arguing that it has become all the rage. Some of the top key benefits of mindfulness include strengthening your immune system, as well as strengthening your physiological responses to stress and negative emotions. Mindfulness is said to improve social relationships both with family and strangers. Importantly for us living a fast paced life, mindfulness is said to reduce symptoms of stress, depression, and anxiety.

While the benefits of mindfulness are clear, the tough part for most people, is finding the time to sit still long enough to practice it. I am not sure about you, but as a go-getter myself, sitting on a zafu (a meditation cushion), in a quite candle lit room, and meditating — isn’t my cup of tea. I have tried it, and I just can’t sit still long enough to get any of the benefits. Let me be honest too, I don’t have the time either, I am busy. But what if I told you there is another way to gain the amazing benefits of mindfulness, without meditating?

Here’s how I do it:

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There isn’t a day in my life, that at some point I don’t find myself experiencing an aspect of modern life that I would consider the mundane. This could be washing the dishes, sitting in my car in early morning traffic, or in the line at the grocery store. It was in all these mundane moments that I began to purposely practice the art of mindfulness. Rather than sitting on a zafu, I did it in action. Approaching mindfulness-in-action seemed to fit my personality too.

I apply an easy four step process:

Step 1: First I recognize the mundane moments (“I am standing in a line at the grocery store”). Remembering to do it, is the first step to success.

Step 2: Then I intentionally begin to focus on my breath. By focusing on the length of both my exhale and inhale, It helps center my mind in the present moment.

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Step 3: If my mind begins to wander to anything other than my breath, I gently bring my focus back to my breathing (and trust me it’s going to wander, that’s just what the mind does). Here it is important to not judge myself when my mind wanders off. Simply I acknowledge that my mind has wandered, I smile, and then bring myself back to a focused attention on my breathing.

Step 4: Once I am present with my breath, I turn my focus outward, passively focusing on the outside world — while all along keeping my present moment awareness on my breathing.

Overtime, finding all the mundane spaces in my life to practice what I call mindfulness-in-action, began to have positive affects on the not so mundane aspects of my life. When things became really hectic at work, I found myself able to recenter simply by focusing on my breathing. Looking back now, those ‘mundane spaces’ in my life accumulated to a lot of time wasted. But now, when I take every opportunity to practice being mindful in them, by the end of the month, I have racked up an impressive amount of inner game training.

Practicing to be mindful in the mundane, also gave me some me-in time. It stopped me being on my phone simply to pass time, or frantically looking at my day’s schedule. Disconnecting from technology, even for brief moments throughout the day, can be really good for your stress levels, as I found out. More importantly, I was able to practice being mindful in the crux of life. By starting with the mundane moments, it allowed the benefits of that practice to spill over to the really stressful moments of my life, where I needed to be mindful the most.

More by this author

Rodney King

Embodied Performance Coach

The Fragmentation of Focus, And What You Can Do About it! Your Voice of Temptation Doesn’t Need To Be In Charge 4 Steps to Managing Your Emotional Life 4 Step To Being More Mindful in The Chaos of Life

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Last Updated on July 10, 2020

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

We all have them—those hurtful, frustrating, offensive, manipulative people in our lives. No matter how hard we try to surround ourselves with positive and kind people, there will always be those who will disrespect, insult, berate, and misuse you if we allow them to.

We may, for a variety of reasons, not be able to avoid them, but we can determine how we interact with them and how we allow them to interact with us.

So, how to take control of your life and stop being pushed around?

Learning to set clear firm boundaries with the people in our lives at work and in our personal lives is the best way to protect ourselves from the negative effects of this kind of behavior.

What Boundaries Are (And What They’re Not)

Boundaries are limits

—they are not threats or ultimatums. Boundaries inform or teach. They are not a form of punishment.

Boundaries are firm lines—determined by you—which cannot be crossed by those around you. They are guidelines for how you will allow others to treat you and what kind of behaviors you will expect.

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Healthy personal boundaries help protect you from physical or emotional pain. You may also need to set firm boundaries at work to ensure you and your time are not disrespected. Don’t allow others to take advantage of your kindness and generosity.

Clear boundaries communicate to others that you demand respect and consideration—that you are willing to stand up for yourself and that you will not be a doormat for anyone. They are a “no trespassing” sign that makes it very clear when a line has been crossed and that there will be consequences for doing so.

Boundaries are not set with the intention of changing other people. They may change how people interact with you, but they are more about enforcing your needs than attempting to change the general behavior and attitude of others.

How to Establish Boundaries and Take Control of Your Life

Here are some ways that you can establish boundaries and take control of your life.

1. Self-Awareness Comes First

Before you can establish boundaries with others, you first need to understand what your needs are.

You are entitled to respect. You have the right to protect yourself from inappropriate or offensive behavior. Setting boundaries is a way of honoring your needs.

To set appropriate boundaries, you need to be clear about what healthy behaviors look like—what healthy relationships look like.

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You first have to become more aware of your feelings and honest with yourself about your expectations and what you feel is appropriate behavior:

  • Where do you need to establish better boundaries?
  • When do you feel disrespected?
  • When do you feel violated, frustrated, or angered by the behavior of others?
  • In what situations do you feel you are being mistreated or taken advantage of?
  • When do you want to be alone?
  • How much space do you need?

You need to honor your own needs and boundaries before you can expect others to honor them. This allows you to take control of your life.

2. Clear Communication Is Essential

Inform others clearly and directly what your expectations are. It is essential to have clear communication if you want others to respect your boundaries. Explain in an honest and respectful tone what you find offensive or unacceptable.

Many people simply aren’t aware that they are behaving inappropriately. They may never have been taught proper manners or consideration for others.

3. Be Specific but Don’t Blame

Taking a blaming or punishing attitude automatically puts people on the defensive. People will not listen when they feel attacked. It’s part of human nature.

That said, you do not need to overexplain or defend yourself. Boundaries are not open to compromise.

Sample language:

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  • “You may not…yell or raise your voice to me…”
  • “I need…to be treated with respect…”
  • “It’s not okay when…you take things from my desk without asking…”
  • “I won’t…do your work…cover for you anymore…”
  • “It’s not acceptable when…you ridicule or insult me…”
  • “I am uncomfortable when…you use offensive language”
  • “I will no longer be able to…lend you money…”

Being able to communicate these without sounding accusatory is essential if you want others to respect your boundaries so you can take control of your life.

4. Consequences Are Often Necessary

Determine what the appropriate consequences will be when boundaries are crossed. If it’s appropriate, be clear about those consequences upfront when communicating those boundaries to others.

Follow through. People won’t respect your boundaries if you don’t enforce them.

Standing our ground and forcing consequences doesn’t come easily to us. We want to be nice. We want people to like us, but we shouldn’t have to trade our self-respect to gain friends or to achieve success.

We may be tempted to let minor disrespect slide to avoid conflict, but as the familiar saying goes, “if you give people an inch, they’ll take a mile.”

It’s much easier to address offensive or inappropriate behavior now than to wait until that behavior has gotten completely out of hand.

It’s also important to remember that positive reinforcement is even more powerful than negative consequences. When people do alter the way they treat you, acknowledge it. Let people know that you notice and appreciate their efforts.

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Final Thoughts

Respect is always a valid reason for setting a boundary. Don’t defend yourself or your needs. Boundaries are often necessary to protect your time, your space, and your feelings. And these are essential if you want to take control of your life.

Start with the easiest boundaries first. Setting boundaries is a skill that needs to be practiced. Enlist support from others if necessary. Inform people immediately when they have crossed the line.

Don’t wait. Communicate politely and directly. Be clear about the consequences and follow them through.

The better you become at setting your own boundaries, the better you become at recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.

Remember that establishing boundaries is your right. You are entitled to respect. You can’t control how other people behave, but you do have control over the way you allow people to treat you.

Learning to set boundaries is not always easy, but with time, it will become more comfortable. You may eventually find that boundaries become automatic and you no longer need to consciously set them.

They will simply become a natural extension of your self-respect.

Featured photo credit: Thomas Kelley via unsplash.com

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