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Why It’s Difficult To Love People Who Don’t Love Themselves

Why It’s Difficult To Love People Who Don’t Love Themselves

It can be very difficult to love people who don’t love themselves. When you love someone, you want to tell them how amazing they are, but often people who don’t love themselves struggle to hear compliments. They will push the compliments away, and this can be painful for the other person to experience.

When you are in love, you want your partner to love themselves as much as you love them. Here are five reasons why it is difficult to love people who don’t love themselves.

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1. It Can Make Communication Difficult

Conversations can become difficult if you are in love with a person who doesn’t love them-self, as they can read into what you are saying too much and assume the worst. This can be frustrating, but it is normally just them projecting their own inadequacies onto their partner. For example, you might compliment a smart idea that they had and they will take this as a patronizing comment or a lie. This makes them defensive, even though you were being honest and kind.

2. It Is Hard To Care For Someone Who Doesn’t Care For Themselves

Over time, it can become frustrating to love someone who doesn’t love them-self. If you say anything nice to them, such as “you look nice today,” they will immediately insult themselves, saying “No I don’t – I feel really ugly today.” This is frustrating because you spend time and energy trying to make them smile and it never has the intended effect.

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3. People Who Don’t Love Themselves Can Become Overly Dependent

If your partner often feels sad and down, they may start to rely on you to cheer them up. While this is normal in small amounts, it is unhealthy to rely on only one person for happiness. It can also result in them becoming clingy or dependent, as they are worried that you will leave them and then their “happiness” will be gone.

4. It Is Frustrating To Be With Someone Who Rejects Your Help

If you love someone who doesn’t love them-self, you will try to help them start because it is difficult to watch someone you love suffer. However, their self-loathing existed before they knew you, and often they will reject your help. This can be difficult, as you know that they could choose to take your help, but they won’t.

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5. It Can Destroy The Trust In The Relationship

People who don’t love themselves don’t understand why other people love them; they worry that their partner will “realize” that they are difficult and break up with them. This can make it difficult to establish a trusting bond, as one person is permanently worried that the other person will leave.

What Should You Do If You Love Someone Who Doesn’t Love Them-self?

If you love someone who doesn’t love them-self, it is normally a good indicator that you are a caring and loving person. You enjoy helping others, which is why you weren’t initially put off by their self-loathing. If you believe that you can help your partner, sit down with them and have a conversation about helping them to love them-self. If they are willing to work on their problems, you can still have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

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However, if you feel tired and drained by the relationship, it is probably an unhealthy relationship. In this case, it is unlikely that your partner will change. Ask yourself these questions: Do I truly believe that my partner will change? Are they aware that I am unhappy? Do they care?

Don’t sacrifice your own happiness for someone who is going to be unhappy either way. Remember that you are not responsible for them; they are, and you are responsible for yourself.

More by this author

Amy Johnson

Amy is a writer who blogs about relationships and lifestyle advice.

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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