Advertising
Advertising

7 Things to Give up If You Really Want Your Kids to Be Great

7 Things to Give up If You Really Want Your Kids to Be Great

It’s possible to parent your kids a little too carefully.

Every good parent wants to be active in their children’s lives and set them up for future success. However, there’s a fine line between sticking to appropriate boundaries, making constructive suggestions, and over-parenting your child. Stifling kids with too many rules and expectations can lower their confidence and creativity. Here are seven things you must give up to ensure that your children grow up healthy, happy, and free to be themselves rather than tire themselves mentally and physically trying to live up to the expectations you place upon them.

1. Give up telling them what to do.

Of course children need to be given guidance as they learn more about the world around them, but this does not mean that they need to be told what to do in every aspect of their lives! Instead, ask them about the actions they have chosen for themselves. Bombarding your children with unnecessary instructions as to how they should live their lives will trigger resentment and hinder their creativity because you will be doing all their thinking for them!

Advertising

This advice applies from the games they want to play and the clothes they want to wear right up to the career path they wish to pursue. Research published in the journal ‘Sociological Spectrum’ suggests that children given more freedom by their parents are less likely to fall victim to anxiety, depression or feelings of failure in their college years compared with those who are closely monitored or subject to ‘helicopter parenting.’

2. Give up your unrealistic expectations.

Remember that children are human beings, and that no human being is perfect. It is immensely stressful for a child to believe that they have to be “the best” at something (or even everything!) in order to considered a worthwhile person. We all have our own individual strengths and weaknesses. Communicate to your child, both explicitly and implicitly, that you appreciate their own unique mix of talents.

Advertising

3. Give up over-protection.

If you are the kind of person who tends to worry about every possible outcome or potential disaster, take care not to let this attitude be reflected in your parenting. Children need to be granted the freedom to have new experiences and to make their own mistakes. If you hold your child back from new opportunities or activities on the off-chance that they will be dangerous, your child will learn that the world is an unsafe place. As a result, they will be less likely to take positive risks in the future.

4. Give up making decisions for them.

An important skill for all successful adults to learn is how to make healthy decisions. This ability needs to be developed in childhood. Give your child help in making life choices, such as choosing a hobby or major in college, but know that ultimately you need to make it clear that they should be the ones in charge of their own decision-making. Do not attempt to tell them how to build a CV or map out their life path for them as this can have damaging consequences. Researcher Bill Deresiewicz’s 2014 book, “Excellent Sheep,” makes a convincing argument that academic over-involvement increases a child’s risk of depression, anxiety and fear of failure later in life. 

Advertising

5. Give up blaming them for their mistakes.

Everybody makes mistakes, and this includes your child. Unless a particular mistake is the result of an obviously unwise decision, try not to blame your child more than is necessary when they make an error. Mistakes are often a valuable means of acquiring new knowledge. Sit down with your child and talk about how they can learn from their mistake and make better choices next time.

6. Give up praising their intelligence.

When children are praised for their efforts rather than their intelligence, they feel more inclined to push themselves harder in the future. Praising a child for their intelligence gives the impression that you are praising them for a fixed characteristic, which in turn does nothing to spur them on to greater self-improvement.

Advertising

7. Give up setting so many family rules.

Some family rules are a necessity. After all, children do require some boundaries and need to be taught right from wrong. However, an overly rigid family setup can cause a child needless anxiety if it means they live in constant fear of breaking a rule. In addition, it can also stifle their creativity if they feel as though they are merely a cog in the family machine that has to behave in the same manner at all times. Research carried out by psychologists at the University of Colorado-Boulder have uncovered links between a highly-structured childhood and a lack of decision-making ability. Prepare to change or get rid of family rules if they have no obvious benefit.

It can take time to shift your thinking and approach, especially if you were raised by over-protective or over-involved parents. Remember that in general, psychological research supports a careful but liberal parenting style as the best way of encouraging your children to really excel in life and also to feel happy in themselves. Enjoy your children for who they are, and endeavour to demonstrate your love for them on a daily basis.

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Westra via unsplash.com

More by this author

Jay Hill

Freelance Writer

All You Have to Do to Sleep Better How Social Media Is Making You Feel Bad about Yourself Every Day The Ultimate Guide: How to Become More Creative Day by Day How to Find Love That Lasts: Someone Who Fulfils These 5 Things Everything You Need to Become a Negotiation Expert (from Major Strategies to Small Tricks)

Trending in Parenting

1 14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All 2 Signs of Postnatal Depression And What to Do When It Strikes 3 How to Homeschool in the 21st Century (For All Types of Parents & Kids) 4 The Leading Causes of Prenatal Depression and How to Manage it Best 5 What Happened to Family Dinners? Why We Should Bring Them Back

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Published on December 14, 2018

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 27% of children under the age of 18 are living with a single parent.[1] That’s over 1/4th of the U.S. population.There is a common misconception that children who grow up in single parent homes are not as successful as children living in two-parent homes.

One crucial detail that was often left out of studies when comparing single and two-parent homes was the stability of the household. There is a correlation between family structure and family stability, but this study shows that children who grow up in stable single-parent homes do as well as those in married households in terms of academic abilities and behavior.

But providing stability is easier said than done. With only one adult to act as a parent, some tasks are inherently more challenging. However, there are a few helpful things you can do to make the parenting journey a little easier for yourself and stay sane while doing it.

1. Don’t Neglect Self-Care

Before anything else can be done, you must be caring for your own needs adequately. Only when you are feeling well-rested and healthy can you be at your best for your children.

Many parents tend to put their kids’ needs first and their owns last, but that will result in a never-ending cycle of exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. Make time to eat regularly and healthfully, get plenty of rest, and squeeze in exercise whenever you can. Even a short walk around the neighborhood will help your body get much-needed movement and fresh air.

Your children depend on you, and it’s up to you to make sure that you are well-equipped and ready to take on that responsibility.

2. Join Forces with Other Single Parents

At times, it may seem like you’re the only person who knows what it’s like to be a single parent. However, the statistics say that there are many others who know exactly what you’re going through.

Find single parents locally, through your kid’s school, extracurricular activities, or even an app. There are also numerous online communities that can offer support and advice, through Facebook or sites like Single Mom Nation.

Although single moms make up the majority of single parents, there are more than 2.6 million single dads in the U.S. A great way to connect is through Meetup. Other single parents will more than happy to arrange babysitting swaps, playdates, and carpools.

Join forces in order to form mutually beneficial relationships.

Advertising

3. Build a Community

In addition to finding support with other single parents, also build a community comprised of families of all different types. Rather than focus solely on the single parent aspect of your identity, look for parents and kids who share other things in common.

Join a playgroup, get plugged in at a church, or get to know the parents of the kids involved in the same extracurricular activities. Having a community of a variety of people and families will bring diversity and excitement into your and your kids’ lives.

4. Accept Help

Don’t try to be a superhero and do it all yourself. There are probably people in your life who care about you and your kids and want to help you. Let them know what types of things would be most appreciated, whether it’s bringing meals once a week, helping with rides to school, or giving you time to yourself.

There is no shame in asking for help and accepting assistance from loved ones. You will not be perceived as weak or incompetent. You are being a good parent by being resourceful and allowing others to give you a much-needed break.

5. Get Creative with Childcare

Raising a child on a single income is a challenge, with the high cost of daycares, nannies, and other conventional childcare services. More affordable options are possible if you go a less traditional route.

If you have space and live in a college town, offer a college student housing in exchange for regular childcare. Or swap kids with other single parents so that your kids have friends to play with while the parents get time to themselves.

When I was younger, my parents had a group of five family friends, and all of the children would rotate to a different house each day of the week, during the summer months. The kids would have a great time playing with each other, and the parents’ job becomes a lot easier. That’s what you would call a win-win situation.

6. Plan Ahead for Emergencies

As a single parent, a backup plan or two is a must in emergency situations. Make a list of people you know you can call in a moment’s notice. There will be times in which you need help, and it’s important to know ahead of time who you can rely on.

Look into whether or not your area offers emergency babysitting services or a drop-in daycare. Knowing who will be able to care for your child in the event of an emergency can relieve one potential source of anxiety in stressful situations.

7. Create a Routine

Routines are crucial for young children because knowing what to expect gives them a semblance of control. This is even more important when in a single parent home.

Advertising

If the child travels between homes or has multiple caretakers, life can seem extremely chaotic and unpredictable. Establish a routine and schedule for your child as much as possible. This can include bedtime, before/after school, chores, meal times, and even a weekend routine.

Having a routine does not mean things cannot change. It is merely a default schedule to fall back on when no additional events or activities are going on. When your children know what to expect, they will be less resistant because they know what to expect, and days will run much more smoothly.

8. Be Consistent with Rules and Discipline

If your child has multiple caretakers, such as another parent, grandparent, or babysitter, communicate clearly on how discipline will be handled. Talk to your ex, if you are sharing custody, as well as any other caretakers about the rules and the agreed-upon approach to discipline.

When a child realizes that certain rules can be bent with certain people, he/she will use it to their advantage, causing additional issues with limits, behavior, and discipline down the road.

This article may help you to discipline your child better:

How to Discipline a Child (The Complete Guide for Different Ages)

9. Stay Positive

Everyone has heard the saying, “Mind over matter.” But there really is so much power behind your mentality. It can change your perspective and make a difficult situation so much better.

Your kids will be able to detect even the smallest shift in your attitude. When the responsibilities of motherhood are overwhelming, stay focused on the positive things in your life, such as your friends and family. This will produce a much more stable home environment.

Maintain your sense of humor and don’t be afraid to be silly. Look towards the future and the great things that are still to come for you and your family. Rediscover and redefine your family values.

10. Move Past the Guilt

In a single parent home, it is impossible to act as both parents, regardless of how hard you try. Let go of the things that you cannot do as a single parent, and instead, think of the great things you ARE able to provide for your children.

Advertising

Leave behind the notion that life would be easier or better with two parents. This is simply not true. There is a multitude of pros and cons to all family dynamics, and the one you are providing for your kids now is the one that they need.

Don’t get bogged down by guilt or regret. Take control of your life and be the best parent you can by being present and engaged with them on a daily basis.

11. Answer Questions Honestly

Your kids may have questions about why their home situation is different from many of their friends. When asked, don’t sugarcoat the situation or give them an answer that is not accurate.

Depending on their age, take this opportunity to explain the truth of what happened and how the current circumstances came about. Not all families have two parents, whether that is due to divorce, death, or whatever else life brings.

Don’t give more detail than necessary or talk badly about the other parent. But strive to be truthful and honest. Your children will benefit more from your candor than a made-up story.

12. Treat Kids Like Kids

In the absence of a partner, it can be tempting to rely on your children for comfort, companionship, or sympathy. But your kids are not equipped to play this role for you.

There are many details within an adult relationship that children are not able to understand or process, and it will only cause confusion and resentment.

Do not take out your anger on your kids. Separate your emotional needs from your role as a mother. If you find yourself depending on your kids too much, look for adult friends or family members that you can talk to about your issues.

13. Find Role Models

Find positive role models of the opposite sex for your child. It’s crucial that your child does not form negative associations with an entire gender of people.

Find close friends or family members that would be willing to spend one-on-one time with your kids. Encourage them to form meaningful relationships with people that you trust and that they can look up to.

Advertising

Role models can make a huge difference in the path that a child decides to take, so be intentional about the ones that you put in your kids’ lives.

14. Be Affectionate and Give Praise

Your children need your affection and praise on a daily basis. Engage with your kids as often as possible by playing with them, going on outings, and encouraging open dialogue.

Affirm them in the things that they are doing well, no matter how small. Praise their efforts, rather than their achievements. This will inspire them to continue to put forth hard work and not give up when success is not achieved.

Rather than spending money on gifts, spend time and effort in making lasting memories.

Final Thoughts

Being a single parent is a challenging responsibility to take on. Without the help of a partner to fall back on, single parents have a lot more to take on.

However, studies show that growing up in a single parent home does not have a negative effect on achievement in school. As long as the family is a stable and safe environment, kids are able to excel and do well in life.

Use these tips in order to be a reliable and capable parent for your kids, while maintaining your own well-being and sanity.

More Resources About Parenting

Featured photo credit: Bruno Nascimento via unsplash.com

Reference

Read Next