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Girls, 10 Signs Jealousy Is Ruining Your Relationship

Girls, 10 Signs Jealousy Is Ruining Your Relationship

Jealousy shouldn’t be confused with envy. Envy is something you want but don’t have, whereas jealousy is something you already have but are afraid of losing. There is a big difference. Jealousy makes you feel inadequate. In the case of a relationship, jealousy show’s itself when your partner likes, or is liked, by someone else and you become threatened.

A little bit of jealousy in a relationship can be healthy. However when jealousy shifts into high gear it can drive your partner away. Jealousy of this nature, or morbid jealousy as it’s clinical term states, can extend from immaturity, insecurity,  anxiety or in extreme cases a mental health disorder. It can absolutely ruin a relationship.

When you have to bear the brunt of this kind of jealousy, a partner will go to extreme lengths to control the threat of losing their boyfriend. Attempting to try and control their feelings of inadequacy with questioning, tactics, manipulation and lies is common, it becomes relentless, ruthless, unjustified and seems far from fair. Whether their jealousy stems from a real threat or an imagined one, is irrelevant, it’s the behaviour and response to those feelings that will ruin a relationship. Imagine being so caught up in jealousy, that you weren’t enjoying the relationship that you were in, and were in fact destroying it as a result. Disintegration of the relationship ensues when constant jealousy starts chipping away at it.

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Here’s 10 signs jealousy is ruining your relationship.

1. You constantly check social media

All of us from time to time check out social media out of curiosity. We check to see what our boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is doing or what she looks like now.  Admit it, we all do it.  All kinds of willpower is needed to avoid doing it once or twice in your relationship. If however, you find yourself checking a potential threat’s social media account, or Facebook check-in status’ constantly to see if she is in the same vicinity as your boyfriend, you might have a problem. Do you know the password to your boyfriend’s account and log in to check his profile to keep tabs on him for the same reason?  Are you blocking a perceived rival and then continually unblocking her to keep a close eye on her? Social media has ruined many more than one relationship through jealousy and cyber stalking, be careful it doesn’t ruin yours.

2. You go through his phone

If you find yourself picking up his phone when he is asleep or in the bathroom, rummaging through his text messages and call log, then not only is this a jealousy issue but it’s a trust one as well; and that’s a completely different article! If you get caught fishing through his phone then you may be packing your bags.

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3. You call him 10 times while he is out with the boys

He’s on a night out with the boys and you’ve already called him 10 times to “check in.” Enough said, you clearly want to make sure he’s not in a strip club, talking to other women or having too much fun without you.

4. You control which female friends he can see

If you have jealousy issues, this is a big one. If you find yourself controlling your partner’s female friend circle by allowing him only to be friends with the ones that you don’t perceive there to be any risk involved. For example a married female friend as opposed to a single one, then you almost certainly have a jealousy issue that could potentially ruin your relationship.

5. You check his bank statements

What are you looking for here? Hotel room payments on the credit card? Big cash withdrawals on a night out with the boys? Stop rushing to the letterbox every time the mailman turns the corner it will send you crazy looking for reasons to justify your jealousy.

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6. You lose the plot when he comes home late from work

Jealousy doesn’t have to stem from the threat of another person, although mostly in a relationship it does, it can be anything that threatens to take your boyfriend away from you and your time together, like his job.  As soon as he walks in the door are you putting him under the spotlight asking him 20 questions of who, when, why and what? And why was he home in 25 minutes when you know it only takes 10. Stop with the barrage of questions.

7.  You send text messages or make calls to numbers on his phone you don’t recognise.

Are you sending random text messages or making calls to numbers in his phone that you don’t recognize in an attempt to bait who the caller might be? Classic jealous and manipulative behavior. There is nothing else to say here except this kind of high gear jealousy is almost certain to ruin your relationship.

8.  You manipulate & fabricate the truth

When a threat to the relationship is present, the jealousy manifests largely in the form of manipulation of situations and fabrication of the truth.  When someone can’t control you,  they tend to try and control how another person is perceived.  In an attempt to pull you into their jealous realm,  a jealous person will simply start making up lies to their benefit and manipulating situations to make themselves look better. When the truth comes out, and it will, the only person who looks bad is the jealous manipulator.  Game over.

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9.  You watch his every move.

Jealousy will send this one from 0-100 in 10 seconds. When you feel there is a perceived threat to your relationship you become a better detective than Sherlock Holmes. Be careful, the tables may turn and the only person who will be under the magnifying glass is you.

10.  You blame everyone else

A threatened partner will always try to find a scapegoat to lay blame in order to justify their jealousy. They will find any way possible to manipulate the situation to make it appear that their jealousy has validity, even when it doesn’t.  Deflecting inadequate jealous feelings away from yourself in an attempt to make it appear that the problem lies in another person’s behaviour, is classic jealousy. Scapegoat’s make it incredibly easy for jealous feelings to remain well hidden.

Let me re-iterate that jealousy and envy are two completely different things. It’s natural to want to protect what you have if you feel you are going to lose it. Maybe your jealousy radar is right, in which case, you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anyway. If however, your jealousy is constant, unjustified, based solely in your imagination, or stems from your own anxieties and insecurities, then more than likely you are pushing away the very thing you are trying so desperately to hold on to.

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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