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How Mentally Strong People Assess Their Sense of Purpose

How Mentally Strong People Assess Their Sense of Purpose

Jackie felt a lack of meaning and purpose as a deep sucking feeling in her stomach. It was a constant drain on her, a deep hole in her center that she just did not know how to fill. She went through the motions of life – going to work, doing house chores, browsing the internet, hanging out with friends – but didn’t feel there was any point to it all. She felt stuck and trapped, going through a meaningless and fake existence, with no way out to a better world.

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Oh, Jackie certainly sought to gain a sense of meaning and purpose, many times. Her family, friends, and church members kept trying to convince her that faith in and service to God was the ultimate purpose of life. And she wanted to believe, she really did! But even as a child, Jackie felt something missing in that perspective, and started to feel that unease in her stomach. She grew more and more disillusioned in her teenage years, and the unease grew into a deep pit. She just didn’t feel that serving God was really meaningful for her, it just didn’t ring true – finding the truth was really important to her, more important than faith. The efforts of her family and church members to convince her only pushed her further away from them. Nobody was happy.

Then she learned about the idea that you can find a rich sense of life purpose using a science-based approach. She even learned that studies showed those with a deep sense of life meaning have much better physical and mental health! She was very surprised to learn that there are paths other than religion or tradition to having a meaningful life.

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Skepticism

However, Jackie was skeptical. Jackie wanted to trust the claim that science can provide the answer. After all, throughout her life, Jackie was always driven to find the truth, no matter what the cost. She always questioned her family’s commitment to an unwavering faith in God; there were some stories in the Bible that just didn’t ring true to her. Over time, Jackie learned that the best way that humans know about how to find the truth is through science. Yet the idea that you can use a science-based approach to find meaning and purpose in life went against all she learned growing up. Her parents, her church, and the mainstream media all told her that science wouldn’t answer life’s big questions.

Moreover, Jackie knew that scientific research may apply to most questions, but far from all. Scientific studies on how to find meaning and purpose in life offer strategies that fit most study participants, but what if she was an outlier? This is one major reason for why she participated in the Quantified Self movement from her teenage years.

Quantified Self is a movement devoted to using personal data on one’s own physical and mental health and applying these findings to one’s own body and mind, as opposed simply to trusting research studies whose conclusions applied to the majority of study participants, but far from all. This was an important part of Jackie’s search for the truth and applying this truth to her life; Jackie kept diligent track of what she ate, her exercise routine, and her mood through journaling and various other instruments.

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Jackie felt that meaning and purpose were too important to her to leave to findings that applied to the majority. She didn’t want to place her hopes in something that she couldn’t be confident in as being right for her in particular. She was burned too many times already in trying to find meaning and purpose using other means. She didn’t want to be burned by science, too.

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That’s why she was so excited to discover the Meaning and Purpose Questionnaire (MPQ)! This is a research-informed tool used to quantify your own sense of meaning and purpose and customize science-based strategies to your personal search for meaning and purpose. The questionnaire helps you evaluate your current sense of meaning and purpose across a variety of spheres shown by research to correlate with a strong meaning and purpose in life. Doing so helps you see any spheres where you in particular have a gap in your meaning and purpose, and take specific steps to target that area.

For instance, question 8 asks whether you have social connections that help you experience meaning and purpose in life. This is an important question, since social connections are something that research shows corresponds strongly with a sense of meaning and purpose. If the MPQ reveals a gap in this area, you can focus on meaning-making activities meant to help you gain social and community connections. That might include joining local groups and associations to get a stronger sense of community belonging, or cultivating stronger relationships with your friends and family, whatever gives you personally a more powerful boost in your sense of meaning and purpose.

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As another example, question 6 asks whether you engage in social service that helps others have better lives. Studies indicate that various forms of service to our society, ranging from volunteering and philanthropy to political engagement and social justice activism, contribute to a rich sense of meaning and purpose. Social service does so by causing us to experience a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves and also by enabling us to help others. If the MPQ shows a lack in this area for you, then you can choose to engage in a wide variety of social service activities, ranging from volunteering in soup kitchens, donating to charity, or participating in local politics.

As you start out working actively to enrich your sense of meaning and purpose, take the MPQ every few days. Doing so will help you see how well you are doing in various spheres relevant to meaning and purpose, and revise your meaning-making activities as needed based on the results. Later, as you gain greater self-understanding and a richer sense of meaning and purpose, shift to taking it weekly.

Results

Jackie was so excited about the MPQ that she took it daily for the first couple of weeks. She learned so much about herself she didn’t know! Her own major gaps lay in failing to take the time and effort to self-reflect regularly on her sense of meaning and purpose and lacking activities that served others. Taking the MPQ regularly and thinking about the results helped her with the first. So did taking a free online class offered by Intentional Insights on finding one’s purpose using science-informed strategies. For the second, she took up volunteering at a local homeless shelter and donating money through The Life You Can Save, an organization that identifies the most effective charities combating global poverty.

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Jackie’s MPQ score grew higher and higher, and that deep sucking pit in the center of her being slowly filled up. She gained more and more confidence in science-based strategies, quantified and customized to her life. She checked out additional resources on a science-based approach to finding meaning and purpose, such as this free workbook. With the MPQ and the workbook, Jackie gained peace and balance, a better relationship with her family and social circle, and a feeling of deep meaningfulness in her daily existence. She also impressed her family and friends by sharing about the MPQ with them, and some of them began to employ this science-based instrument to gain richer meaning and purpose in their lives as well. She felt really happy about providing such benefits to those closer to her.

I hope this MPQ and the free workbook can help you as much as they helped Jackie!

Featured photo credit: Smiling via flickr.com

More by this author

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky

President and Co-Founder at Intentional Insights; Disaster Avoidance Consultant

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Last Updated on March 30, 2020

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like your nerves simply couldn’t handle it? Your heart beats fast, you start to sweat, and you feel like all eyes are on you (even if they’re really not). This is just one of the many ways that being self-conscious can rear its ugly head.

You may not even realize you’re self-conscious, and you may be wondering, “What does self-conscious mean?” That’s a good place to start.

This article will define self-consciousness, show how practically everyone has faced it at one point or another, and give you tips to avoid it.

What Does Self-Conscious Mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-conscious is defined as “conscious of one’s own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself.”[1]

Not so bad, right? There’s another definition, though — one that speaks more to what you’re going through: “feeling uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others.” For those of us who regularly deal with extreme self-consciousness, that second definition sounds about right.

There are many different ways self-consciousness can spring up. You may feel self-conscious around people you know, like your family members or closest friends. You may feel self-conscious at work, even though you spend hours every week around your co-workers. Or you may feel self-conscious when out in public and surrounded by strangers. However, you probably don’t feel self-conscious when you’re home alone.

How to Stop Being Too Self-Conscious

When you’re in the throes of self-consciousness, it’s nearly impossible to remember how to stop feeling that way. That’s why it’s so important to prepare ahead of time, when you’re feeling ready to tackle the problem instead of succumbing to it.

Here are a variety of ways to feel better about yourself and stop thinking about how others see you.

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1. Ask Yourself, “So What?”

One way to banish negative, self-conscious thoughts is to do just that: banish them.

The next time you walk into a room and feel your face getting red, think to yourself, “So what?” How much does it really matter if people don’t like how you look or act? What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of the time, you’ll find that you don’t have a good answer to this question. Then, you can immediately start assigning such thoughts less importance. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge that your negative thoughts are present and realize that you don’t agree with them.[2] They’re just thoughts, after all.

2. Be Honest

A lie that self-consciousness might tell is that there’s one way to act or feel. Honestly, though, everyone else is just figuring life out as well. There isn’t a preferred way to show up to an event, gathering, or public place. What you can do is be honest with your feelings and thoughts.[3]

If you feel offended by something someone says, you don’t have to smile to be polite or laugh to fit in with the crowd. Instead, you can politely say why you disagree or excuse yourself and find a group of people who you relate to better. If you’re nervous, don’t overcompensate by trying to look relaxed and casual — it’ll be obvious you’re putting on a front. Instead, nothing is more endearing than saying, “I’m a little nervous!” to a room of people who probably feel the exact same way.

On the same note, if you don’t understand why someone wants you to do something, question it. You can do this at work, at home, or even with people you don’t know well. Nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Also, even if you’re willing to do what’s asked of you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more clarification. People will realize that you’re not a person to be bossed around.

3. Understand Why You’re Struggling at Work

Being self-conscious at work can get in the way of your daily responsibilities, your relationships with co-workers, and even your career as a whole. If you’re facing some sort of conflict but you’re too nervous to speak up, you may be at the whim of what happens to you instead of taking some control.

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If you’re usually confident at work, you may be wondering where this new self-consciousness is coming from. It’s possible that you’re dealing with burnout.[4] Common signs are anxiety, fatigue and distraction, all of which can leave you feeling under-confident.

4. Succeed at Something

When you create success in your life, it’s easier to feel confident[5] and less self-conscious. If you feel self-conscious at work, finish the project that’s been looming over your head. If you feel self-conscious in the gym, complete an advanced workout class.

Exposing yourself to what you’re scared of and then succeeding at it in some way (even just by finishing it) can do wonders for your self-esteem. The more confidence you build, the more likely you are to have more success in the future, which will create a cycle of confidence-building.

5. Treat All of You — Not Just Your Self-Consciousness

Trying to solve your self-consciousness alone may not treat the root of the problem. Instead, take a well-rounded approach to lower your self-consciousness and build confidence in areas where you may struggle.

Even professional counselors are embracing this holistic type of treatment[6] because they feel that the health of the mind and body are inextricably linked. This approach combines physical, spiritual, and psychological components. Common activities and treatments include meditation, yoga, massage, and healthy changes to diet and exercise.

If much of this is new to you, it will pay to give it a try. You never know how it will impact you.

If you’re feeling self-conscious about how your body looks, a massage that makes you feel great could boost your confidence. If you try a new workout, you could have something exciting to talk about the next time you’re in a group setting.

Putting yourself in a new situation and learning that you can get through it with grace can give you the confidence to get through all sorts of events and nerve-wracking moments.

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6. Make the Changes That Are Within Your Control

Let’s say you walk into a room and you’re self-conscious about how you look. However, you may have put a lot of time and effort into your outfit. Even though it may stand out, this is how you have chosen to express yourself.

You have to work on your internal confidence, not your external appearance. There’s nothing to change other than your outlook.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something that you don’t like about yourself that you can change. For example, maybe you hate how a birthmark on your face looks or have varicose veins that you think are unsightly. If you can do something about these things, do it! There’s nothing wrong with changing your appearance (or skills, education, etc.) if it’s going to make you more confident.

You don’t have to accept your current situation for acceptance’s sake. There’s no award for putting up with something you hate. Confidence is also required to make changes that are scary, even if they’re for the better. Plus, it may be an easier fix than you thought. For example, treating varicose veins doesn’t have to involve surgery — sometimes simple compression stockings will take care of the problem.[7]

7. Realize That Everyone Has Awkward Moments

Everyone has said something awkward to someone else and lived to tell the tale. We’ve all forgotten somebody’s name or said, “You too!” when the concession stand girl says to enjoy our movie. Not only are these things uber-common, but they’re not nearly as embarrassing as you feel they are.

Think about how you react when someone else does something awkward. Do you think, “Wow, that person’s such a loser!” or do you think, “What a relief, I’m not the only one who does that.” Chances are good that’s the same reaction others have to you when you stumble.

Remember, self-consciousness is a state of mind that you have control over. You don’t have to feel this way. Do what you need to in order to build your confidence, put your self-consciousness in perspective, and start exercising your “I feel awesome about myself” muscle. It’ll get easier with time.

When Is Being Self-Conscious a Good Thing?

Self-consciousness can sometimes be a good thing[8], but you have to take the awkwardness and nerves out of it.

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In this case, “self-aware” is a much better term. Knowing how you come off to people is an excellent trait; you’ll be able to read a room and understand how what you do and say affects others. These are fantastic skills for people work and personal relationships.

Self-awareness helps you dress appropriately for the occasion, tells you that you’re talking too loud or not loud enough, and guides a conversation so you don’t offend or bore anyone.

It’s not about being someone you’re not — that can actually have adverse effects, just like self-consciousness. Instead, it’s about turning up certain aspects of yourself to perform well in the situation.

Final Thoughts

When you’re self-conscious, you’re constantly battling with yourself in an effort to control how other people view you. You try to change yourself to suit what you think other people want to see.

The truth, though, is that you can’t actually control how other people view you — and you may not even be correct about how they view you in the first place.

Being confident doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it happens in small steps as you slowly build your confidence and say “no” to your self-consciousness. It also requires accepting that you’re going to feel self-conscious sometimes, and that’s okay.

Sometimes worrying that there is a problem can be more stressful than the problem itself. Feeling bad for feeling self-conscious can be more troublesome than simply feeling it and getting on with the day.

Forgive yourself for being human and make the small changes that will lead to better confidence in the future.

More Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Merriam-Webster: Self-conscious
[2] Bustle: 7 Tips On How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious
[3] Marc and Angel: 10 Things to Remember When You Feel Unsure of Yourself
[4] Bostitch: How to Protect Small Businesses From Burnout
[5] Psychology Today: Self-conscious? Get Over It
[6] Wake Forest University: Embracing Holistic Medicine
[7] Center for Vein Restoration: What Causes Venous Ulcers, and How Are They Treated?
[8] Scientific American: The Pros and Cons of Being Self-Aware

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