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12 Things Women With Hard Shells Want You To Know

12 Things Women With Hard Shells Want You To Know

Women with hard “shells” are strong, independent, empowered women although frequently complex and reserved. They are differentiated by their individual capabilities and interests, yet, share similar attributes. What do women with hard shells have in common? They are not status quo. They’re self-confident, uncompromising relative to their virtues, unpretentious, and well-established with deep-seated convictions.

The woman with a hard shell knows that, “True strength lies in her ability to embrace her feminine core, and whilst she may be a high achiever, and whilst she may be very intelligent – her real strength is in her true femininity. And in her character.” (Renee Wade, A Strong Woman)

Being misunderstood and falsely labelled is a regular occurrence for women with hard shells. Here are 12 things they want you to know about them, character traits that will help you learn the truth about who they are and what makes them tick.

1. They are phenomenal women who seem cold, conceited and intimidating sometimes – it’s just a display of their composure.

Sure, women with hard shells put up walls and come off as icy and indifferent; however, they do so to shield their characters and emotions. You see, it’s not that they lack feelings; it’s that they are predisposed to the side of caution. These women have been around the block a few times; they’ve been there, done that. Experience has taught them to protect their hearts and to guard their mental health and morale. Therefore, they naturally assume liability for their own emotional security.

Their passions run deep. The depth of their feelings makes them fragile, unable and sometimes just plain unwilling to express how they truly feel. If they respond curtly to your comments or to your compliments, it’s because they’re internalizing their appreciation that you thought enough of their contribution(s) to say ‘thank you’ or ‘good job,’ and they’re thinking about how to serve even better next time.

They hate being embarrassed and generally talk at length about their circumstances only with those closest to them. Thus, they will put forth every effort to show you how they feel. Watch out for what their actions reveal. In doing so you will find that women with hard shells are not daunting and unapproachable. Their guarded communications and associations are merely outer protective apparel that life has taught them to wear.

These women have endured a lot of challenges in life. They know what they want; they know what they don’t want. They can pretty much tell who’s genuine and who’s not. Thus, they tend to cut to the chase — be direct and businesslike. They endeavor relentlessly to excel without the need to bounce on anyone in the process. They demonstrate faith in themselves and realistically value their worth having invested consistently in their personal growth and professional development. As a result, they are self-confident and composed, not conceited or threatening.

2. They accept who they are and use their strengths and opportunities as leverage for peak success.

Many people, to their chagrin, try to be someone other than themselves. Not women with hard shells. They are good with who they are. They know themselves and appreciate their significance. They have become familiar with their strengths (talents or things that they do well; are good at) as well as their weaknesses.

These women are aware that their strengths escort them to true success. They center goal setting and activity planning on their strengths, and then on those weaknesses that inhibit their progress. Initially, they made the mistake of focusing efforts on beefing up their disadvantages first. Now they recognize that the power of leveraging comes from taking their assets and utilizing them to convert their weaknesses into strengths.

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Women with hard shells want you to know that focusing on strengths and related opportunities enables them to highlight the position where they produce best. The outcome is personal branding, increased performance, satisfaction, resourcefulness, and success. By using their strengths to do what they are good at, they have less stress, enjoy incredible accomplishments working less, earning more, and becoming experts in their chosen field.

3. They are realistic and noble; leaders, not followers, as evidenced by their drive and accomplishments.

Women with hard shells are progressive. This forces them to be shrewd, proactive, sensible, pragmatic, and unafraid of challenges. Because of their leadership aptitudes, they are not among those who follow the masses. They are not crowd pleasers, but rather choose to think, speak, and act according to their own expertise and awareness. They are not the ones who will agree with you just to placate you or keep the peace.

You will find these women to be skilled and able to stand alone, perceptive to realize when they necessitate assistance, and bold in requesting that needed help. They are coordinated and orderly. They’re prompt to acknowledge and to apologize for their imperfections, blunders, and shortcomings. They know of a certainty that no one is perfect including them.

As leaders, women with hard shells are quite familiar with the courtesies of forgiving and being forgiven. They know well that they stand to gain a whole lot more peace and freedom via forgiveness than by internalizing the discord, becoming bitter and resentful. These qualities are priceless particularly for those who become leaders, because they are able to maintain fruitful, harmonious work environments with their staff.

4. They live to satisfy their own morals and beliefs; yet, they respect the freewill of every man and woman.

Sound, well-founded principles are the essence of women with hard shells. They are quick to contend for their views when necessary, giving full regard to the rights of those who share a different opinion. These strong women have no problem standing alone in defense of their positions. If necessary, they will oppose persons with whom they are closely affiliated. They don’t live for other people’s acceptance; they live for a clear and just conscience, and a good night’s rest.

Hard-shelled women have faith in their own abilities. They want you to know that they do what they are convinced is proper within the appropriate parameters regardless of what other people perceive. Therefore, they are extremely cautious in their decision making since they detest being wrong and embarrassed. They abhor causing harm to others.

Despite their best efforts, they know that things don’t always go as planned; things don’t always go as anticipated. When their best efforts yield less than choice results, women with hard shells remind themselves that they did the best they could with the resources available. Accordingly, they overcome; they eliminate remorse, guilt, shame, and adjudications.

5. They are resistant to criticism as they work hard to keep their powers strong, their visions alive, and their fears in defeat.

Women with hard shells want you to know that they were not simply born as strong women; instead, they developed their strength of character over time by rising above adversities and rejections. They have become empowered to survive well and thereby find it difficult to be obstructed by destructive criticism. With strong faith and diligence, they keep fear at bay; they maintain a flourishing hope and mission.

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Their success is built on proper training, appropriate skill sets, firm willpower, dedication, and concentration. That’s the stuff that keeps dreams fresh, vivid, and visual. Exciting concepts and imaginations that become actualities following toil, sacrifices, sweat, and tears cause hard-shelled women to be unmoved by their haters and naysayers.

Fear has its place in their lives; however, they are not controlled by it. Fear pushes them to limits unknown and stimulates innovation and creativity. It shows them that they are capable of a great deal more than they comprehended. Engaging in fear and defeating it produces muscle, endurance, and triumph.

6. They are usually quiet and private individuals who have no need to meddle in other people’s affairs.

Albert Einstein stated that, “The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” Women with shells want you to know that they live by design, they live with purpose and intent. They live low keyed, discreet, private lives. This allows them to focus, discover and excel beyond their wildest imaginations.

Quiet time helps them discern their needs versus their wants. It allows them to review open action items, to analyze unsuccessful endeavors, broken hopes, and shattered dreams. It gives them undistracted moments to think about activities they can do differently or better. Introspection permits time to ponder on whether or not they’re moving in the right direction. Taking a little downtime provides for relaxation and for planning weekend getaways and special vacations.

Women with hard shells want you to know that how they react to you matters a lot and vice versa. In their private moments they consider this, too. They really want you to know that since they are so involved with taking care of their own business, the desire and time for gossiping and butting into the affairs of others are alleviated. However, they are willing to lend you a helping hand when needed.

7. They are classy, well-maintained human beings who, like others, are vulnerable at times.

Strong women with hard shells are predictably a class act in more ways than one. It’s pretty obvious they pride themselves on dressing well, looking well, acting well and working well. They radiate style, confidence, and intelligence.

These are the women who choose not to dress down on casual Friday, or on every day as is allowed by some companies. Whether they’re a perfect 10 or a pleasantly plump 16, they know how to make the best of their figures, to dress appropriately, and look fabulous. These women assure that they not only look presentable, but that they also perform at top capacity.

Even with their refinement and elegance, women with hard shells want you to know that they, too, are defenseless at times. They are normal human beings. Their guards are not always up. Their observations are not always accurate. Sometimes they get let down, left holding the responsibility for breakdowns… they get hurt and abandoned, too.

8. They work, often behind the scenes, to help make life better for women as well as for other people.

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Do you know any women with hard shells? I bet you do. They are those ladies who work diligently to enrich the lives of others. Being relatively generous with their resources, they support women’s shelters, dress-for-success platforms, life coaching for women, job fairs, community activities, and many other events. They’re those compassionate women who strive to enhance living conditions for persons in distress.

These strong female caregivers help men, women, and children succeed and do well. They need no public recognition or praise. It’s important to women with hard shells that you realize they are not haughty, arrogant, or uncaring. They are movers and shakers for the good of many, but they do their good deeds quietly improving lives and giving hope wherever they go.

A strong woman, is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spiritual. A strong woman in her essence is a gift to all the world.” (Author Unknown)

9. They believe that a woman should not sit around expecting a man to build the life she desires; this attitude is irrational and selfish to them.

Men and women have different purposes and abilities. For women with hard shells, it is imperative that they assume wholesome relationships with men without adding the burden of egotistical dependency. They believe it is their responsibility to achieve their strategic ambitions. This just makes sense to them. They consider sitting around looking for someone else to create the life of their dreams to be absurd and too risky.

Women with hard shells are ecstatic when their men do things for them. Nevertheless, they refuse to wait for their men to do what they can and should do for themselves. These women undeniably believe in and commend the strength of the men in their lives. They also believe in undertaking personal initiatives to obtain personal aspirations. Each individual requires a certain substance in life that must come from his own efforts.

Hard-shelled women want you to know that they cherish the opportunity of depending on their men when they really need to, of growing with them, and of enjoying life with them. They want you to know that they are thoughtful and endeavor to live life without being overbearing and insensitive. They love their men sincerely, and they know how to have great fun as they sport an authentic sense of humor.

10. They are optimistic, resilient, considerate, and true friends; they don’t depend on outside evaluations to assess their worth.

Women with hard shells think positive and upbeat. They are sure to acquire what they want because they are sensible and work hard to deserve it. Still, these women do fall down; they get thrust into hardships. Instead of becoming downcast because of their failures and allowing disappointments to spoil their agenda, they employ their bounce back power. They perfect their efforts, land on their feet; utilize the experiences to grow and to move forward.

These hard-shell women want you to know that this resilience stems from their ability to look beyond present conditions and become inventive. They struggle, work very hard and find breakthroughs amid obstacles and inequities to generate new realities. Nothing seems impossible to them; thus, they finish strong. Observe that these times of difficulty birth incredible strength in them.

Optimism, flexibility, and determination exercised during distressed situations made them self-assured, understanding, and thoughtful women. Hard times and survival confirmed their power and worth sending them to heights they never considered possible. As a result, they listen well to advice but make their own final decisions. These qualities are the reason they make phenomenal friends mutually sharing loyalty, honesty, reliability, and exceptional friendships.

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11. They desire robust, intellectual, well-adjusted men for equally satisfying and lasting relationships.

Women with hard shells are tough, autonomous, and often unyielding; however, they are still human. They, too, long to have that special someone in their lives for friendship and companionship. Like other women, they want a friend, a soulmate and subsequently a spouse to have and to hold until in death do they part. Career success and financial freedom are incomplete if you don’t have a meaningful person to savor them with. Joy and happiness are to be given, to be shared.

Hard-shelled women wish you to know that they, too, want strong, vigorous, well-versed partners who can talk with them intelligently. They enjoy conversing about things of substance that enhance lifestyles and offer comfort. The ideal partner compliments their maturity, self-confidence, and visions. They have developed their own goals, achieved their own success and thereby do not in the least bit require their approval in pursuit of security and independence.

Hard-shelled, strong women want companionship, but not at any cost. They give excellent respect, admiration, sincere accolades and encouragement expecting to receive the same in return. According to James Michael Sama in 12 Things to Expect When Dating a Strong Woman:

You will never be happier than when you are with a strong woman, because she lives her life with a burning desire to make the best of it. She loves deeply and will motivate you to become the best possible version of yourself — while remaining the same man she fell for in the first place. Do not shy away from strong women, and do not be intimidated by their passion for life. Instead, be excited that you have found your teammate. You have found your partner in crime. You have found your equal.”

12. They are conscientious, focused workers who refuse to be distracted; they know how to say ‘no.’

If you’ve been around hard-shelled women, you know that they are hugely ambitious. They are single minded with specific objectives that sustain their heartfelt visions. Having achieved multiple degrees from the University of Hard Knocks and priceless lessons learned, they are proficient to meet inevitable challenges and setbacks. Learning is a continuous effort for these women who thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement. It is a crucial source of empowerment for them.

Women with hard shells wish you to know that they can’t afford to wait around for indecisive procrastinators. They won’t delay their task assignments nor will they pause for the approval of other people when it is unnecessary. They won’t mislead you, make false promises or agree to anything outside of their character. As Jessica Devlin articulated, the woman with a hard-shell “knows how to say no and does it unapologetically. A woman who says no and means it is honest. She won’t tell you yes to appease you.”

Synopsis

Women with hard shells care about others and tend to influence people positively with no hidden agenda, without expecting anything in return. People often read them incorrectly misconstruing their buoyancy, poise, assertiveness, and forte for arrogance. They seem aloof, unfriendly, or standoffish to many. However, many are kind, approachable, hardworking, and dedicated to being women of excellence.

The woman with a hard shell says, “Now you understand just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it ought to make you proud. I say, it’s in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, the need of my care. ‘Cause I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.” – Excerpt from Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Featured photo credit: Politico.com & AP Photos via s3-origin-images.politico.com

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Last Updated on September 16, 2020

3 Simple Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship

3 Simple Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship

In helping many people solve their relationship woes, I am often asked for the signs of a good relationship.

Well, what’s fascinating about relationships is the dynamics of two individuals coming together and staying together amid an array of perceptions and misperceptions.

Our relationships are not only influenced by our current actions but also by our past relationships and the life experiences that we bring forward into the current relationship. How we deal with misperceptions and misunderstandings determines the strength and health of our relationship and the level of happiness we are able to experience.

Much of the subconscious programming that takes place throughout our life causes us to sabotage our happiness by preventing us from engaging effectively, especially when we become emotionally triggered.

These mostly unconscious “scripts,” which we tend to run on autopilot, include our thoughts, words, and actions that result from these. Some may even refer to them as “baggage.” While we can rewrite these scripts and stop them from contaminating our relationships, we only become aware of them when we are in an emotionally empowered state.

So, what are the signs of a good relationship?

It boils down to these four essential requirements:

  • Emotional empowerment
  • Aligned attraction
  • Sexual functioning
  • You and your partner

While we can take it upon ourselves to develop as an individual, a strong and healthy relationship results from both personal growth and teamwork with our partner in order to resolve any problems.

Let’s take a look at how we can do this.

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1. Emotional Empowerment

A clear sign of a good relationship is that both partners stay focused on what they want to create and how they want to feel. It can be too easy to blame our partner when we’re not feeling good about ourselves or somewhat overwhelmed with the curveballs that life seems to throw at us continually.

You may have heard of the saying, “Making mountains out of molehills.” When we’re not in charge of our emotional state, that’s precisely what we do!

Someone also said, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Our words and the emotional power behind them are either being constructive or destructive in our relationships.

By trying to override your emotions and dredging up past situations, you may blow a current situation entirely out of context, keep retriggering yourself and your partner, and prevent essential issues from being resolved. Aside from that, it makes you feel disconnected.

As a reminder, allowing yourself to indulge in petty annoyances and sarcastic comments will likely drive a wedge between you and your partner. So, is that worth your attention?

When we focus on what we don’t want, we continually default to the old subconscious programming cultivated from our life experiences. These “scripts” can become self-destructive when expressed through negative rumination and self-talk or critical observations of our partner, rather than being the fun, uplifting, and naturally motivating partner that they fell in love with.

Many couples start competing against each other when they are emotionally triggered instead of supporting each other to create the best outcome. While we can quickly become obsessed with being right (or not being wrong), it’s essential to stay present, focus on how we want to feel, and align our words and actions toward that outcome.

Couples who enjoy a strong and healthy relationship consciously monitor their emotional states and can therefore influence the impact of their verbal and non-verbal communication in a positive manner. This offers a long-term benefit of enhancing their overall desire to be together and connect on more intimate levels.[1]

2. Attraction in Alignment

Known as the love and bonding hormone, oxytocin doesn’t just play an important role in intimacy. In truth, it’s also vital for increasing trust and attraction between two people. Synthesized in the human brain when you trust someone, the oxytocin molecule also motivates reciprocation.

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We’re living in an age where an individual’s independence is ruling the day, and the social codes of chivalry have become sadly redundant. However, it’s never a good time to become complacent in how we interact with each other and in respecting the environment we share.

According to Paul Zak, a neuroscientist and researcher at Claremont Graduate University, oxytocin is generated in the brain only after some concrete event or action, such as someone making way for you in the street.[2]

“When someone does something nice for you such as holding a door, your brain releases oxytocin, and it down-regulates the appropriate fear you have of interacting with strangers.” — Paul Zak

Suddenly, you feel like the person in front of you is not a threat. Then, according to Zak, this feeling disappears quickly for a good reason,

“If you just had high levels of oxytocin, you would be giving away resources to every stranger on the street. So, this is a quick on/off system.”

This has important implications for those in a relationship. Zak says:

“If you treat me well, in most cases my brain will synthesize oxytocin and this will motivate me to treat you well in return.”

In a relationship, our actions and behaviors are either attracting or repelling our partner. This is especially true when we have conflicting values. Common conflicting values include personal hygiene, health and fitness, and general tidiness.

It’s important to know and respect what’s important to our partner. After all, one of the real signs of a good relationship is having the desire to continually step up and live your “A” game.[3] When our partner takes the time to communicate something important to them, we need to acknowledge that it’s essential to keep a relationship long-term.

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While we like to think that our partner will be attracted to us no matter what, this is not realistic at all. “A” is for attraction, and we need to keep attracting our partner instead of being lazy and pretending we can get away with unappealing or inappropriate behaviors.

Any unresolved issue can build up resentment and undermine the quality of a relationship. However, the thought of approaching a challenging topic can increase stress and anxiety to the point where it is nearly impossible to clearly communicate the problem without it sounding like an accusation or blame.

Due to the fear of retriggering our partner by bringing up the same topic repeatedly, we often delay dealing with the issues that are of utmost importance to us. Over time, it can result in frustration, annoyance, and disconnection. We are sentient beings, so this type of emotional resistance can often be felt by the other person.

Furthermore, we usually communicate a part of a request out loud and then complete the reasoning behind it internally. Unfortunately, our partner doesn’t hear this internal monologue, so they have no idea about the extent or importance of our need. Therefore, many problems aren’t fully discussed, and the main issue remains unresolved.

“Prolonged stress and anxiety are like poison to oxytocin,” Paul Zak said. The underlying biological hypothesis is that stress — particularly the type that does not have a clear ending point — inhibits oxytocin release.

In a healthy relationship, both partners can retain the desire to step up and continue to attract each other through verbal and non-verbal communication. Try remembering the following:

  • Every person has their own preference for how things are done, so effective communication requires actively listening as well as clearly communicating your needs.
  • Before talking about an important matter, make sure you have your partner’s full attention. Then, try to keep your words focused in the here and now.
  • Instead of rehashing a similar experience from your past for context and risking triggering each other emotionally, get to the point and explain what you want at once. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, try starting a request with “I like it when…” or “It makes me feel…” You may also ask, “How can we work together to create a win-win situation?”
  • If something is important enough for your partner to mention out loud, then you must respect, consider, and adhere to it whenever possible. For example, if a partner is brave enough to open up about their need for sexual intimacy to feel more connected, it may be an issue that needs to be addressed in your relationship.

According to psychiatrist and Emory University professor Larry Young, increased intimacy can strengthen your connection as a couple, especially when you combine it with other rewarding experiences that get your brain’s reward system going.[4]

Verbally appreciate your partner’s effort in supporting your needs and make sure to retain your individuality and interests outside the relationship to keep your mutual attraction.

3. Sexual Function

Sex is the one thing that differentiates a strong, healthy relationship from a platonic friendship. Sexual intimacy is one of the most important signs of a good relationship and has often been described as the glue that holds a relationship together.

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Sexual intimacy allows two people who seek the ultimate connection with each other to come together. However, intimacy problems can lead to separation, loneliness, and disconnection — feelings that can eventually tear a relationship apart.

Unfulfilling sex leads to an increase in stress hormones which results in a lowered libido as sexual intimacy becomes a souce of discomfort on all levels. A common cause of a low libido is, for example, sexual function issues such as early ejaculation and erectile dysfunction challenges in men; and orgasmic dysfunction for women.[5] An unwanted sexual technique such as hard and fast or constant changes of position can also be off-putting.

While work stress, children rearing, and communication issues can all lower your libido and affect your overall desire for sex, a sexless marriage or relationship is not favorable for the vast majority of couples long-term.

One of the most important things for women in a relationship is to experience a sense of connection or feel loved and close to their partner. But this is where things can become tricky pretty quickly, considering women naturally have much higher levels of the bonding hormone oxytocin than men. For men, higher levels of oxytocin are generated through intimate connections.

What is the takeaway here, you may ask? Our hormones influence our behaviors, and oxytocin is said to be responsible for allowing us to experience love. In reality, studies have also shown that oxytocin can even work as the brain’s “moral molecule.” The more intimate moments we have, the more our bodies release the said hormone.

This is especially important for a male to feel more connected and attentive toward his partner. Research indicates that a man who is often sexually intimate with his beloved can produce increased levels of oxytocin.[6] In turn, it boosts his desire to hold and connect with his partner and stimulate positive social interaction.

A positive sign of a strong and healthy relationship is both partners’ desire to be intimate with each other. If either of the partners has little or no desire for initiating intimacy, then they need to address the issues mentioned in this article to restore intimacy in order to enjoy a truly fulfilling partnership.

Final Thoughts

The most important sign of being in a strong and healthy relationship is that you feel happy within yourself and in your connections.

While it’s not always possible to stay happy and connected with someone, ensuring that you are emotionally aligned with yourself and aware of your partner’s needs will go a long way to guarantee the health and longevity of your relationship.

After all, compelling narratives also cause oxytocin release and can affect your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.

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Featured photo credit: Candice Picard via unsplash.com

Reference

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