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Toxic Behaviors That Are Making You Unhappy (And You Don’t Even Notice)

Toxic Behaviors That Are Making You Unhappy  (And You Don’t Even Notice)

Toxic behaviors are those destructive things which we do, or allow, that rob us of being truly happy. We all deserve to be happy, but if you’re not truly happy, you’re unlikely to be healthy mentally, emotionally and even physically.

These behaviors are extremely harmful and can have a huge impact on your wellbeing, leading to an overall feeling of dissatisfaction with ourselves and with life. However, you can conquer these behaviors preventing you from living a fulfilling life.

There are a huge range of behaviors, too numerous to mention here. However, we’ve compiled a list of those often overlooked habits which often go unnoticed until it’s too late. So let’s have a look at some of those toxic behaviors and how you can get a handle on them, so you can get back to your bliss.

You people-please

Wanting to make others happy is a wonderful thing. It shows empathy and consideration. Like most things, however, too much of a good thing can very well be a bad thing, and where being a people-pleaser is concerned, it can lead you down a path of extreme unhappiness. Bending over backwards to make others happy when you’re clearly unhappy is soul destroying. How will you ever discover what truly makes you happy if you’re busy trying to make others happy? Don’t allow fear of rejection or of failure to hinder your life’s walk. You’ll only end up resenting yourself. Most importantly, people-pleasing carries with it a myriad of problems including stress, trust issues, feeling unworthy and undeserving, and finding yourself in abusive relationships. Don’t do it! Give yourself permission to be genuinely happy, and stop continuously putting others’ happiness above your own.

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You deserve to be happy, but people-pleasing won’t get you there!

Once you begin to understand this, you’ll soon discover what truly makes you happy. The kind of happy that is specifically shaped to you.

You compare yourself to those you don’t know

It’s no secret that most people compare themselves to people they know, but what about those who you’ve never even met? It may sound crazy: how can anyone possibly be jealous or compare themselves to someone they’ve never even bumped into? With Instagram, Pintrest, Facebook, Snapchat and an array of other social outlets, it’s virtually impossible to escape the constant influx of seemingly perfect lives. Without even knowing it, you’re consuming the image of happiness and perfection through the lens, and beyond a sphere seemingly out of reach to you. It is important to understand that happiness is available to everyone (read: everyone!), including you. Comparing yourself to others is a sure fire way to make you unhappy.

It is also important to note that so often, the images you see may portray an impossibly perfect image, or life, but the reality may be very different. Remember, those people in the images you come across are human, too, and have ups and downs like everyone else.

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So rather than feeling intimated and discouraged by what you see, be happy with who you are.

You keep yourself busy on purpose

In today’s society, busy equals productive. Unfortunately, this is most definitely not the case. The habit of keeping oneself busy can be as simple as not wanting to appear lazy, or as toxic as not wanting to face life (reality). Either one is negative, and will destroy your happiness over time when you realize your keep-busy attitude hasn’t made you productive at all, but stressed out, thoroughly unhappy and physically sick. Stop with the facade, and stop focusing on being busy for the sake of it, but rather focus on actually being productive, which means using your time effectively, prioritizing and resting when you need to.

You don’t speak up when something’s wrong

Bottling things up inside is probably one of the most toxic things you can do to yourself. Not only does this have a negative impact on your overall happiness, it has a negative impact on your relationships, work and can physically make you ill. No one is saying to vent every single gripe you have with the world or with others, but it’s important you speak up when you know you should. Refuse to be silent when things are making you unhappy. Calmly and assertively address those you feel are taking advantage of you, and confidently speak up when you feel disrespected.

You, like all of us, have a right to be happy, feel safe and be considered, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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You equate love with pain

I’m not sure where this all started, but somewhere along the line, the idea of everlasting love became synonymous with being tortured, drained and “hanging in there”. Love shouldn’t be an endurance program. Love shouldn’t be a pain tolerance test. The moment we equate love with pain, we invite any and everything into our lives, and chalk it down to real love. Unfortunately, what that also means is that we begin to put up with an awful lot of junk in the name of love. This is a slippery slope one should never go down. The beauty of love is that when it’s real, it allows you to grow together, support each other and wade the storms, together.

So approach love with the idea of progress and development; sustainability, rather than endurance. This will ensure you are being true to yourself, and your love, by not attributing the alternative with ideas of inability or weakness.

You don’t listen to yourself

We all have an inner voice. This inner voice is tailor-made to you and benefits you greatly. Listening to that voice – your intuition, your gut – and taking heed of its warnings and truths will not only help you filter out unhelpful external noise, but force you to face and recognize those things preventing you from being truly happy. It’s not easy to face those things you would prefer to just forget, but there’s huge benefits to actually listening. 1) It’s private. The tête-a-tête you have with yourself remains between you and you. No one needs know a single thing! 2) It will help you face your fears, head on. 3) It forces you to stop running, so you can begin walking towards your bliss.

Don’t ignore your inner voice. It has all the keys to your happiness.

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You don’t state what you really want out of life

Going along with the crowd will ensure you get lost in it! By actually thinking about what you want out of life, you give yourself the chance to be honest. Being honest with yourself, and with others about what you want will ensure you’re walking down your own path and not hijacking someone else’s. It means you won’t compare yourself to others as you know your path is leading you somewhere specific to you. It also prevents you projecting your ideas and ideals on others, allowing everyone the freedom to be themselves.

So, what do you really want out of life?

Try this: take a piece of paper, write your name at the top in big bold letters (encircle it, draw around it, make it stand out, make it yours), and state, underneath, what you want out of life (not what others want for you or expect of you, or what everyone else is doing). Try not to think in terms of big or small goals, as this will only mean you’re comparing your goals to those of others. This is your journey, remember. Carry this piece of paper around with you marking off, as you go along, those things you’re accomplishing for yourself. Bringing the focus back to you is guaranteed to get your happiness back on track.

You allow fear to imprison you

Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of never being happy. Fear of being too happy. Yep, living in fear will make you pretty unhappy! Fear has a way of stopping you from enjoying almost everything, and allowing fear to consume you and dictate how you live is a prison sentence. Fear is toxic if it robs you of your happiness and forces you to live a life you have no desire or passion for. Make the decision to no longer allow fear to rule, or shackle you.

When approached right (and handled!), fear can be a saving grace, a signifier, and a window to an unrealized dream.

Featured photo credit: Photo by Jordan McQueen via magdeleine.co

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Patricia C. Osei-Oppong

Writer, Poet, Marketer

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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