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How to Cope With Divorce without Turning to Social Media

How to Cope With Divorce without Turning to Social Media

Couples embarking on marriage love the feeling of connection as they choose to build lives together.

Partners of a divorcing couple, on the other hand, get slammed with a sense of disconnection and loneliness. Now that our communities live online, it’s no wonder so many divorcing partners vent their anger, insecurity and anguish on social media.

We’re here to say:  don’t do it.

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Social networks not only contribute to the decision to divorce, they also impact divorce settlements, including child custody decisions. Recently, Facebook has provided evidence for petitioners and defendants documenting marijuana smoking and participation in other illegal activities. Petitioners claiming they were home with the children have been caught in lies when photographed at out and about at certain venues at specific times. More frightening, psychologists and other experts now search for evidence of personality disorders, drug and alcohol use and more in the personality profiles and timeline posts that social media users create for themselves. One post or profile appearing on the Internet can forever be retrieved, even if deleted.

Facebook Really Isn’t Your Friend Right Now . . .

. . . nor are the other social media networks.

First of all, keep in mind that you may have been still married when you first signed up. The number of friends the average Facebook user can boast is 338 (but the median is 200) and 15% have over 500 friends.  Who can keep track of that many people? You’ve probably accrued friends who, since your separation, count themselves more as your ex’s friends. Posting your activities and ideas on Facebook can be like sending a letter directly to your ex and his or her attorney.

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A post on Lifehack explains:

“While Facebook can feel like a forum of friends to whom you turn for sympathy and support, it can also be a trap. Extreme emotion, fatigue and alcohol and render reality in all kinds of exaggerated shapes and colors. Do yourself a favor and find another way to vent when in these conditions.”

It also contains a list of do’s and don’ts, including “turn off location indicators” that could prove your whereabouts. Keep in mind that you ex, the judge and even your attorney are watching you. Don’t hand them the binoculars!

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Coping with Intense Emotions:  3 Alternatives Far Superior to Facebook

Have we scared you?

Despite the stern warnings we’ve delivered above, please understand that we understand the need to feel connected.  Facebook proved a popular tool for divorcing couples to use for handling immediate pain. But popular tools are not necessarily effective. Understanding why Facebook tempts so mightily helps prevent giving into the temptation. While emotions may be ruling you right now, please take the time to carefully read the next few paragraphs. It should only take you a few minutes.

Married couples enjoy the support not only of their own friends and families of origin but those of their spouses. It’s only human nature to long to be in a network or social group. Newly single people dread the descent into isolation. Further, no matter how strenuously they assert that the divorce had to be, they’re usually plagued by self-doubt, not only about the decision to divorce, but about their role in the failure of the marriage, their chances of finding another life partner and even their own worthiness.

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Therefore, they look for the reassurance of their communities. With long work hours followed by more shifts performing child and home care, much of our communities have shifted online. Many of us touch base with friends and family several times a week, daily, and even several times a day through Facebook, Twitter and others. They build us back up in perhaps the worst time of our lives.

Three far more robust and helpful alternatives to venting on Facebook and other social media exist. Those divorcing dwell in a dire time daily that requires back-up and outside support. Consider these three alternatives to reaching out on Facebook:

  1. DivorceCare.org:  This nationwide clearinghouse gets you to a local support group immediately. Once there, they make it clear that friends and family who’ve never divorced tend to share bad advice. Plain English? They’re clueless.

Workshops focusing on the divorce process acknowledge the intensity of your feelings and provide lots of chances for you to share your story and your plans for your new life. Your zip code leads you to groups held in churches (but not affiliated with the church), schools and many other locations. They provide workbooks to help you journal your feelings and a group of people in the same boat to talk to.

  1. Therapy:  With as much pain as you may be in, you risk wearing out your friends (Facebook or otherwise) with your angst, anger and sadness . . . all of which is understandable, heart-breaking and legitimate. Directing some of your emotions to a trained professional not only refreshes you, it makes you a better friend because you’re more available to LISTEN as well as vent.

Most health plans have free or low cost visits to a counselor. Therapists are trained to help you make smart decisions amid emotional turmoil. Contrary to popular fears, they are more problem-solvers than critics. Going to a therapist does not mean something is wrong with your mind or mental health. Even family court judges view therapy as a positive.  Understand that the emotions you’re dealing with will deplete your energy significantly.

  1.      Join new groups, go new places, make new friends:  when you do this, you see that a whole new world is out there for you to explore. Consider journaling as you go. As Katie Couric says, “Life is a series of re-dos.” Re-do-it UP!

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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Peter Mueller

Founder of Father's Rights Law Center

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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