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12 Experiences Children Of Divorce Can Never Forget

12 Experiences Children Of Divorce Can Never Forget

About half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. How many children need therapy because of this, we’ll never know. On the flip side, children with unhappily married parents might also be a little affected.

Either way, Mom and Dad, from the time you were together to now, the memory of your divorce remains etched in many of our minds. In fact, here are 12 experiences we children of divorce may never forget:

1. We remember the good times

When we sat together as a family at the dinner table, played games, and laughed. We look back fondly on our holiday traditions. Or the times we all piled into the car and took family road trips, playing 20 Questions and singing “B-i-n-g-o” all the way.

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2. We remember the arguments

When you looked mad, raised your voices, and called each other names. We felt scared when this happened – worried you might leave one another, or us.

3. We remember the moment you told us you were getting a divorce

How you said, “We don’t love each other anymore, but we still love you,” and “It’s not your fault.” We can still picture where we were sitting, and the room all around us – much like you might remember where you were when you learned John F. Kennedy or John Lennon was shot.

4. We remember how the news of your divorce made us feel

We may have cried our eyes out, or – if we were too young to understand what “divorce” meant — we may have just pretended to be sad so as to not hurt your feelings. The real tears would come later when the reality of our new situations without one of you at home sunk in.

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5. We remember the first night you tucked us in after the news

You asked us how we felt. Hugged us a little longer. Disguised your tears in your attempt to stay strong for us.

6. We remember visiting your new home after the split

It was small, but nice. Empty, but clean. A seemingly lonely space, but a place where we could have you all to ourselves, with your full and undivided attention.

7. We remember your struggle

How we had to tighten our belts for a while so you could make ends meet. Do the laundry and wash the dishes more often. Or eat more TV dinners and takeout than ever before. All of it was character building, and kind of fun.

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8. We remember being spoiled

You felt guilty for getting divorced. We knew and capitalized on this – asking for and getting sweets at the grocery store, new clothes and toys and later bedtimes.

9. We remember your first new boyfriend or girlfriend

It was weird to see you with your rebound guy or gal. At least at first, we didn’t like this person – or even how you were behaving for that matter – but we pretended to out of politeness.

10. We remember watching you lose and then find yourself

We recall seeing you alone, fending for yourself, and eventually finding your stride. Like a metamorphosis, you came out of the transformation from married to newly single a changed, better, happier person.

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11. We remember how you conducted yourself

Everything you said about your ex – our other parent – remains etched in our minds to this day. If you kept your comments positive, we turned out OK. If you revealed too much about why our Mom or Dad drove you to divorce, we needed therapy to process what you were saying before falling in love, getting married, and starting families of our own.

12. We remember the big picture

We realized how much better off we were being raised by the separate, happier versions of you. How you taking care of yourself by ending your unhappy marriage was ultimately what was best for us.

Unhappily married parents: if you decide you’re better apart than together, make your divorce as easy as possible on your children. Be polite to each other, and positive when speaking about one another in front of your kids. You might also benefit from checking out Dr. Phil’s 9 Biggest Divorce Mistakes That Impact Your Kids.

Children of divorce: take some time to reflect on how your parents’ split made you feel then and now. Imagine what your life might have been like if your parents stayed together, yet remained unhappy. Appreciate how your parents’ divorce helped each of them take better care of themselves so they could take better care of you.

Featured photo credit: Basket with Colored Easter Eggs/Viktor Hanacek via picjumbo.com

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Last Updated on July 10, 2020

How to Reinvent Yourself and Change Your Life

How to Reinvent Yourself and Change Your Life

There will always be times in your life when you may need to learn how to reinvent yourself. This could come when you experience a big change, such as leaving your job, moving on from a relationship, transferring to a new home, or losing a loved one. If you are going through a major shift in your life, you may have to find new ways of thinking or doing things, or risk failing to reach your full potential.

“When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”

Many people who dared to leave their old unhappy lives enabled themselves to pursue their passions and find a renewed zest for living. You can also achieve the same if you take a leap of faith and make things happen for yourself.

To help you always be at your best wherever you may be in your life, here are some practical tips on how to reinvent yourself.

The Reinvention Checklist

Before embarking on a journey of self-reinvention, you need to make sure that you have everything that you need to make the trip bump-proof. These things include:

Resilience

Problems and obstacles are guaranteed to happen. Some of them will be difficult and may knock you off course; the important thing, however, is that you learn from these difficulties, never lose focus, and always get back up. This requires building resilience to get through the tough times.

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Support

Humans are social beings. Although it is important that you learn to rely on yourself when facing any challenge, it is also important to have a support team that you can lean on to give you a boost when things get too tough and to correct you when you’re making mistakes.

The key is to find the right balance between independence and dependence. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share the difficulties you’re facing. When you open up, you’ll find the people who are really going to be there for you.

Self-Care

During the process of learning how to reinvent yourself, you will have to pull yourself away from your old comfort zones, habits, roles, and self-perceptions. This can be difficult and cause you to question your self-worth, so it’s important to engage in self-care to maintain a positive outlook and keep your mind and body healthy as you face the challenges that await you. Self-care can include:

  • Participating in a hobby you enjoy
  • Spending time with your support system
  • Taking some time to walk in nature
  • Practicing loving-kindness meditation

Find what works for you and what helps you feel like your true self as you seek a reinvented version of you.

How to Reinvent Yourself

Once you’re sure that you’re equipped with all the tools in the self-reinvention checklist, you can begin your journey of learning how to reinvent yourself.

1. Discover Your Strengths

This step provides valuable information on how you deal with certain situations. If you have this information, you will be able to manage difficulties more efficiently.

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To find out what your strengths are, you can ask your friends and colleagues for feedback, engage in self-reflection, or try these 10 Ways to Find Your Own Personal Strengths.

2. Plan

This step calls for a thorough assessment of your current emotional, psychological, and financial status so that you can develop plans that are realistic and practical.

It’s okay to have ambitious dreams, but your plans have to be realistic. Making use of SMART goals can help you plan your life better.

You can also consult your mentor or life coach for practical tips and advice.

Ultimately, you’ll want to create specific long-term and short-term goals that you can create milestones for. By doing this, you’ll lay out a specific roadmap to your reinvented self.

3. Try Things Out

Sometimes, we don’t know if solutions actually work until we try them out. This is why it is important to experiment whenever possible, especially if you’re dealing with a career change. You may need to simply experiment in order to find the things you like. This can be the same with hobbies. If you’re not sure what you would like doing, accept invitations from friends to join them in their favorite sport or take a class, like pottery or photography.

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By seeing what’s out there in any area of your life, you’ll have a better chance of finding the things you enjoy and the goals you want to create.

4. Manage Your Finances Well

Changes may require a bit of money. If you’re shifting to a new career, you may have to pay for training. If you’re going through a tough divorce or having a hard time dealing with the death of a loved one, you may have to pay for therapy. If you’re moving to a new home, you’ll definitely have to pay a whole lot of expenses.

All of these things are possible, but it will require a bit of money savviness as you learn how to reinvent yourself. If you have that cushion, you’ll feel more comfortable straying from your current path to try new things.

5. Muster Your Courage

Fears and self-doubt may arise when you encounter difficulties and setbacks. Sometimes, they may also come when you’re taking risks. You have to manage these negative emotions well and not allow them to discourage you. Tap into your courage and try doing at least one new thing each week to develop it.

Learn how to deal with your self-doubts to move forward in this article: How Self Doubt Keeps You Stuck (And How to Overcome It)

6. Use Your Support Group

As stated above, you need to build a strong support group before you even start the process of reinventing yourself. Your group will keep you from taking wrong turns and encourage you when you get too weighed down by problems. Don’t be afraid to call them, or even ask them out for coffee if you need to vent about the current difficulties you’re facing.

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7. Remind Yourself Every Day of Your Commitment

Write your goals on different-sized cards and scatter them at home and at work in places where you can easily see them. This way, you will constantly be reminded of where you want to be. Remember, writing down your goals helps them stick[1].

8. Accept Failure, Learn, and Resume Your Journey

Failing is normal, especially when we’re trying out something new. When you fail, simply recognize it, learn from it, and move on. Failure, in the end, is the best way to learn what does and doesn’t work, and you simply won’t be able to learn how to reinvent yourself if you don’t accept the inevitable failures that await you.

Final Thoughts

If you truly want to learn how to reinvent yourself and live the life you desire, take the advice above and start taking action. It will take time, patience, and plenty of effort to make the change you want happen, but it will be all worth it.

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Featured photo credit: Ashley Rich via unsplash.com

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