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12 Experiences Children Of Divorce Can Never Forget

12 Experiences Children Of Divorce Can Never Forget

About half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. How many children need therapy because of this, we’ll never know. On the flip side, children with unhappily married parents might also be a little affected.

Either way, Mom and Dad, from the time you were together to now, the memory of your divorce remains etched in many of our minds. In fact, here are 12 experiences we children of divorce may never forget:

1. We remember the good times

When we sat together as a family at the dinner table, played games, and laughed. We look back fondly on our holiday traditions. Or the times we all piled into the car and took family road trips, playing 20 Questions and singing “B-i-n-g-o” all the way.

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2. We remember the arguments

When you looked mad, raised your voices, and called each other names. We felt scared when this happened – worried you might leave one another, or us.

3. We remember the moment you told us you were getting a divorce

How you said, “We don’t love each other anymore, but we still love you,” and “It’s not your fault.” We can still picture where we were sitting, and the room all around us – much like you might remember where you were when you learned John F. Kennedy or John Lennon was shot.

4. We remember how the news of your divorce made us feel

We may have cried our eyes out, or – if we were too young to understand what “divorce” meant — we may have just pretended to be sad so as to not hurt your feelings. The real tears would come later when the reality of our new situations without one of you at home sunk in.

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5. We remember the first night you tucked us in after the news

You asked us how we felt. Hugged us a little longer. Disguised your tears in your attempt to stay strong for us.

6. We remember visiting your new home after the split

It was small, but nice. Empty, but clean. A seemingly lonely space, but a place where we could have you all to ourselves, with your full and undivided attention.

7. We remember your struggle

How we had to tighten our belts for a while so you could make ends meet. Do the laundry and wash the dishes more often. Or eat more TV dinners and takeout than ever before. All of it was character building, and kind of fun.

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8. We remember being spoiled

You felt guilty for getting divorced. We knew and capitalized on this – asking for and getting sweets at the grocery store, new clothes and toys and later bedtimes.

9. We remember your first new boyfriend or girlfriend

It was weird to see you with your rebound guy or gal. At least at first, we didn’t like this person – or even how you were behaving for that matter – but we pretended to out of politeness.

10. We remember watching you lose and then find yourself

We recall seeing you alone, fending for yourself, and eventually finding your stride. Like a metamorphosis, you came out of the transformation from married to newly single a changed, better, happier person.

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11. We remember how you conducted yourself

Everything you said about your ex – our other parent – remains etched in our minds to this day. If you kept your comments positive, we turned out OK. If you revealed too much about why our Mom or Dad drove you to divorce, we needed therapy to process what you were saying before falling in love, getting married, and starting families of our own.

12. We remember the big picture

We realized how much better off we were being raised by the separate, happier versions of you. How you taking care of yourself by ending your unhappy marriage was ultimately what was best for us.

Unhappily married parents: if you decide you’re better apart than together, make your divorce as easy as possible on your children. Be polite to each other, and positive when speaking about one another in front of your kids. You might also benefit from checking out Dr. Phil’s 9 Biggest Divorce Mistakes That Impact Your Kids.

Children of divorce: take some time to reflect on how your parents’ split made you feel then and now. Imagine what your life might have been like if your parents stayed together, yet remained unhappy. Appreciate how your parents’ divorce helped each of them take better care of themselves so they could take better care of you.

Featured photo credit: Basket with Colored Easter Eggs/Viktor Hanacek via picjumbo.com

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Last Updated on June 24, 2019

Why Social Media Might Be Causing Depression

Why Social Media Might Be Causing Depression

A study [1] published in Depression and Anxiety found that social media users are more likely to be depressed. This was just one of the huge number of studies linking social media and depression[2] . But why exactly do platforms like Facebook and Instagram make people so unhappy? Well, we don’t know yet for sure, but there are some explanations.

Social Media Could Lead to Depression

Depression is a serious medical condition that affects how you think, feel, and behave. Social media may lead to depression in predisposed individuals or make existing symptoms of depression[3] worse explains[4] the study above’s senior author Dr. Brian Primack. So, the problem may not be in social media per se, but how we use it.

Signs You’re Suffering From “Social Media Depression”

If you feel like social media is having a negative impact on your mood, then you may be suffering from “social media depression.” Look for symptoms like:

• low self-esteem,

• negative self-talk,

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• a low mood,

• irritability,

• a lack of interest in activities once enjoyed,

• and social withdrawal.

If you’ve had these symptoms for more than two weeks and if this is how you feel most of the time, then you are likely depressed. Although “social media depression “is not a term recognized in the medical setting, social media depression seems to be a real phenomenon affecting around 50% of social media users. As explained in a review study[5] published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, if a person has a certain predisposition to depression and other mental disorders, social media use may only worsen their mental health.

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Social Media Could Crush Self-Esteem

We know that social media and depression are in some way linked, but why is this so? Well, according to Igor Pantic, MD, Ph.D.[6], social media use skews your perception about other people’s lives and traits. To explain this further, most people like to portray an idealized image of their lives, personal traits, and appearance on sites like Facebook and Instagram. If you confuse this idealized image with reality, you may be under the false impression that everyone is better than you which can crush your self-esteem and lead to depression. This is especially true for teens and young adults who are more likely to compare themselves to others. If you already suffer from low self-esteem, the illusion that everyone has it better off than you will just make you feel worse.

Causing Social Isolation and Other Negative Emotions

Another commonly cited reason for the negative impact of social media on mental health is its link with social isolation. Depressed people are more likely to isolate themselves socially and chose only to interact indirectly through social media platforms. But communication online tends to be superficial and is lacking when compared to real-life interaction explains Panic. What this means is not that social media leads to isolation but the other way around, possibly explaining why we find so many depressed persons on these sites.

Lastly, social media use may generate negative emotions in you like envy, jealousy, dislike, loneliness, and many others and this may worsen your depressive symptoms.

Why We Need to Take This Seriously

Both depression and social media use are on the rise according to epidemiological studies. Since each one has an impact on the other, we have to start thinking of healthier ways to use social media. Teens and young adults are especially vulnerable to the negative impact of social media on mental health.

Advice on Social Media Use

Although these findings did not provide any cause-effect explanation regarding Facebook and depression[7], they still do prove that social media use may not be a good way to handle depression. For this reason, the leading authors of these studies gave some suggestions as to how clinicians and people can make use of such findings.

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One suggestion is that clinicians should ask patients about their social media habits. Then they can advise them on how to change their outlook on social media use or even suggest limiting their time spent on social media.

Some social media users may also exhibit addictive behavior; they may spend too much time due to compulsive urges. Any compulsive behavior is bound to lead to feelings of guilt which can worsen depressive symptoms.

Having Unhealthy Relationship with Social Media

If you feel like your relationship with social media is unhealthy, then consider the advice on healthy social media use provided by psychology experts from Links Psychology[8]:

Avoid negative social comparison – always keep in mind that how people portray themselves and their lives on social media is not a realistic picture, but rather an idealized one. Also, avoid comparing yourself to others because this behavior can lead to negative self-talk.

Remember that social media is not a replacement for real life – Social media is great for staying in touch and having fun, but it should never replace real-world interactions.

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Avoid releasing personal information – For your safety and privacy, make sure to be careful with what you post online.

Report users who bully and harass you – It’s easy to be a bully in the anonymous and distant world of social media. Don’t take such offense personally and report those who abuse social media to harass others.

The bits of advice listed above can help you establish a healthy relationship with social media. Always keep these things in mind to avoid losing an objective perspective of what social media is and how it is different from real life. If you are currently suffering from depression, talk to your doctor about what is bothering you so that you can get the treatment you need to get better. Tell your doctor about your social media use and see if they could give you some advice on this topic.

Reference

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