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8 Signs Of Emotionally Unavailable People

8 Signs Of Emotionally Unavailable People

An emotionally unavailable person has closed the door on staying connected and loved. It is a simple defence mechanism, but one which can have devastating consequences in relationships. Closing that door may be due to a lack of confidence, fear of intimacy, or perfectionism, just to name a few explanations. Finding the key to opening that door is the real challenge.

Here are 8 signs of emotionally unavailable people and some suggestions to help open the door again or to leave. Ask yourself if you have any of these traits, because it might help you to have fuller and more intimate relationships.

1. They do not like compromises

You meet lots of people who are married to their routine rather than to another person. A typical reaction is when they hate changing their schedules and they show themselves to be very inflexible. Ask them to make a compromise on the timing of a date and they will always say that they cannot be inconvenienced.

Examine your own flexibility or lack of it and reflect on whether this is a sign of emotional maturity. How flexible (or inflexible) you both are is usually a sign of how likely it is that a relationship will move to the next level. Being able to compromise on minor issues is a mark of emotional maturity. Look out for signs of reciprocity here. There can be no compromises on major issues.

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“When it comes to human dignity, we cannot make compromises.” – Angela Merkel

2. They are perfectionists

A typical scenario is where they find one fatal flaw in their new partner. They are perfectionists, so they want everything to be just right. When they find the defect, it is usually the perfect ploy for them to get out, because in reality they are scared of intimacy.

Look at your own standards and what makes a perfect partner. Think about your own defects and try to talk about them. If your partner brushes them aside, it is a sign that there may be no future at all for you as a committed couple.

3. They play the blame game when they talk about past relationships

Listen to how they talk about their past relationships. They almost never talk about their own defects, weaknesses, or fears. They usually play the blame game — it was always the partner’s fault. They are not being open at all.

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Any emotionally available person will recognize and take responsibility for their shortcomings and failures in past relationships. Can you recognize your own? Ask them to reflect on what they could have done to save the relationship. Ask a few probing questions about the issues that were involved. If they are emotionally unavailable, the answer is likely to refer to their incapacity to form relationships or that they always fail. If they are more receptive, it may be a sign that they recognize their need for intimacy and they are prepared to open up a little.

4. They display signs of being emotionally abusive

Watch how they treat wait staff and other people you meet when you are with them. If you notice a lot of angry outbursts, it may mean that they are very demanding, have zero emotional intelligence, or that they are totally lacking in self-awareness. They are very unlikely to be empathetic. The worst consequence is that this could turn into emotional abuse if the relationship is a long-term one. Their judging, criticizing, and humiliating may well have roots in an unhappy childhood. They have no place in a harmonious relationship.

These signs should not be ignored because they may mean your relationship may turn toxic and become abusive. You have invested emotional funds here and you want to see a return on them. If there are no signs of any of these being reciprocated, then it may be time to back off before it is too late.

5. They are inconsiderate

Look out for the signs. Always being late may be a red flag that this person is inconsiderate and emotionally unavailable. They may do it deliberately just to avoid getting too involved.

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Think about how you can be kind, affectionate, and caring. Talk about your feelings and expect the same from your partner as the relationship evolves. If this does not happen, it could be that you are being used as a temporary filler until someone better comes along.

6. They are too secretive or too nosey too soon

When they are very evasive with questions regarding sex or money, it may be a sign that they are emotionally unavailable. If they are very curious, it may signal a hidden agenda. In either case, these are signs that these may be obstacles to getting close. You can almost see the emotionally unavailable sign on the half-closed door!

Think about each other’s emotional capacity. You may be prepared to give, grow, and be totally committed. You need to look out for signs that you are both on the same page as to what a really committed relationship looks like. If either is emotionally unavailable, there will be obstacles along the way — it is important to discover these early on.

7. They can be very seductive

Seduction is usually about conquest and a certain appetite for power. If these happen very quickly in the relationship, you may wonder what else there is to make it an authentic relationship. Is there openness, generosity, empathy, complicity, and confidence? If these are totally lacking or steadfastly avoided, it could mean that the person is simply not available for any of those commitments and wants the thrill of seduction and little else.

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8. They are not ready to commit

Beware of the people you meet on vacation because distance is a perfect excuse for not committing or getting too involved. You both get great benefits when you do manage to meet, but there can never be the daily grind of putting up with all the tics and obsessions which can erode a relationship.

Another warning sign of a lack of commitment is when the partner talks about living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. That is all very well, but plans have to be made at some point.

The most alarming sign of emotional unavailability is when the partner has great difficulty in saying they love you. A simple “I love you” will be almost as good as a written promise. It is when they say “I love you, but…” that alarm bells will start ringing. That “but” can mean there is a time limit, there is terrible uncertainty, and above all betrays that they are not sure what this will entail in the long term.

Above all, when you are confronted with a lack of commitment, never try to rationalize it or make excuses for your partner, who may have problems in expressing their feelings. You will never change them either, so now is the time for closure to save yourself a whole lot of misery later on.

Featured photo credit: Yellow Bow-Broken heart…. The Break Up/ Norman Tanner via flickr.com

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Robert Locke

Freelance writer

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Last Updated on September 20, 2018

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

What do I want to do with my life? It’s a question all of us think about at one point or another.

For some, the answer comes easily. For others, it takes a lifetime to figure out.

It’s easy to just go through the motions and continue to do what’s comfortable and familiar. But for those of you who seek fulfillment, who want to do more, these questions will help you paint a clearer picture of what you want to do with your life.

1. What are the things I’m most passionate about?

The first step to living a more fulfilling life is to think about the things that you’re passionate about.

What do you love? What fulfills you? What “work” do you do that doesn’t feel like work? Maybe you enjoy writing, maybe you love working with animals or maybe you have a knack for photography.

The point is, figure out what you love doing, then do more of it.

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2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

Think about your past experiences and the things in your life you’re most proud of.

How did those accomplishments make you feel? Pretty darn good, right? So why not try and emulate those experiences and feelings?

If you ran a marathon once and loved the feeling you had afterwards, start training for another one. If your child grew up to be a star athlete or musician because of your teachings, then be a coach or mentor for other kids.

Continue to do the things that have been most fulfilling for you.

3. If my life had absolutely no limits, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

Here’s a cool exercise: Think about what you would do if you had no limits.

If you had all the money and time in the world, where would you go? What would you do? Who would you spend time with?

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These answers can help you figure out what you want to do with your life. It doesn’t mean you need millions of dollars to be happy though.

What it does mean is answering these questions will help you set goals to reach certain milestones and create a path toward happiness and fulfillment. Which leads to our next question …

4. What are my goals in life?

Goals are a necessary component to set you up for a happy future. So answer these questions:

Once you figure out the answers to each of these, you’ll have a much better idea of what you should do with your life.

5. Whom do I admire most in the world?

Following the path of successful people can set you up for success.

Think about the people you respect and admire most. What are their best qualities? Why do you respect them? What can you learn from them?

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You’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.[1] So don’t waste your time with people who hold you back from achieving your dreams.

Spend more time with happy, successful, optimistic people and you’ll become one of them.

6. What do I not like to do?

An important part of figuring out what you want to do with your life is honestly assessing what you don’t want to do.

What are the things you despise? What bugs you the most about your current job?

Maybe you hate meetings even though you sit through 6 hours of them every day. If that’s the case, find a job where you can work more independently.

The point is, if you want something to change in your life, you need to take action. Which leads to our final question …

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7. How hard am I willing to work to get what I want?

Great accomplishments never come easy. If you want to do great things with your life, you’re going to have to make a great effort. That will probably mean putting in more hours the average person, getting outside your comfort zone and learning as much as you can to achieve as much as you can.

But here’s the cool part: it’s often the journey that is the most fulfilling part. It’s during these seemingly small, insignificant moments that you’ll often find that “aha” moments that helps you answer the question,

“What do I want to do with my life?”

So take the first step toward improving your life. You won’t regret it.

Featured photo credit: Andrew Ly via unsplash.com

Reference

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