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What Do You Do If Your Firstborn Rejects the New Baby?

What Do You Do If Your Firstborn Rejects the New Baby?

Introducing a new baby to a family can take some adjustment time, not only for the parents but their older siblings as well. It is hard for a child to go from an only child that has all of the attention to having to share it with another child. It is important as a parent to understand that any range of emotions is perfectly normal and that every child experiences a new addition to the family differently. If you child does not warm up to a new baby right away, do not panic. As a parent, here are some things that can be done do help make the transition smoother.

Accept their feelings

It is important not to try to convince your child to try to love their younger sibling if they are resistant at first. Instead, acknowledge their feelings out loud and tell them that whatever they are feeling is completely normal. If you show frustration or irritation at their reaction, it will only make the situation worse. It is important to display patience and show you support your older child’s reactions. Showing your child you understand helps them realize they still are considered an important member of the family.

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Set aside extra one-on-one time

For children who are having difficulties adjusting to a newborn sibling, one of the best things that you can do as a parent is to spend time alone with them. It will be hard to find a moment to spend with your child with a new baby in the house, but you can trade off with each parent spending time with the older child or have a friend or family member watch your baby. Something as simple as going to the playground for half an hour or going to the local cafe to have a snack will show your child that you still care about them deeply and that a new baby will not change the love you have for them.

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Make them feel special about being an older sibling

It is important to make your older child feel special about their new role as an older sibling. Buy or make a t-shirt that states that they are a big brother or sister. Give them a special gift in honor of their new role and when you give it to them tell them how proud you are of them. Tell your child how great it is to be part of the “big brother/sister” club, where they have the special jobs of showing their little sibling how to do certain things later on like ride a bicycle or tie their shoe. This is also a great time for you to share your own positive experiences with a sibling. If you put a positive spin on the situation, your child will begin to see the benefits of their new role and are more likely to embrace it.

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Set aside some time for your firstborn to bond with your newborn

Every day find a time where your older child is alert (not right before nap time or meal times) and supervise some time together with his younger sibling. It is important to do it in an area that is free of distractions, no TV, where you can slowly introduce your older child to his baby brother or sister. Give your older child a rattle to shake and entertain his new brother or sister with and comment on how happy this must make his baby brother/sister.

Let your toddler help out whenever they can

Include your firstborn in helping you out whenever they can with their newborn sibling. Give them a task like holding the bottle during feedings or entertaining them through diaper changes. It is important to make sure that you emphasis how important their role is as your little helper, because it will help boost their self-esteem and make them realize that they are appreciated.

Featured photo credit: Flickr via flickr.com

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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