I remember the day vividly. It was another weekend; another Sunday feeling lonely, miserable and unwanted. As I cried in my bedroom, unable to shake off that voice inside of me saying “Leave him, you don’t need this anymore,” I knew that it had to happen today. Finally, I’d hit my lowest point and was ready to tell him that I wanted to be on my own again.
It wasn’t easy, but then it never is when you still love someone — or you think you do. Yet I still had a strong emotional pull to end it, no matter how many tears fell down my cheek.
What saddens me more is that I’d gotten us to this point. I’d pushed, cajoled and manipulated him into it all of this from the beginning, and here I was ending it. For what seemed like forever, I’d wanted him to love me, to “complete” me and make me feel that I was worth something. And now I was turning my back on him, to it all, finally being honest with myself.
I’d made my life his life, I no longer knew who I was, or what I wanted to do with my life. I’d lost a part of me.
He tried his best, the best that he knew how, and I’ll always love him for that. But it was never going to be good enough – not until I knew how to love myself first.
You see, I’d based my need for love and acceptance on what he thought of me. His opinion and view of who I was seemed to be the only thing that mattered. If he thought I was smart, intelligent, sexy and kind, then that’s who I became. I was what I thought he wanted me to be, and that was someone who wasn’t me.
Then, when that day finally came, it wasn’t a bolt-out-of-the-blue decision. To be honest, it had been gnawing away at me for months, but I’d tried to numb it and pretend it didn’t exist.
Once I’d told him, I felt a deep sense of release, like a bird finally being set free from its cage. I could now start on my own journey of self-love and self-discovery.
Now I could:
It was finally my time, and I wasn’t going to go back to my old habits, relying on someone else to make me feel important, loved and special. I could do it all by myself, and I was ready to wake up and live with purpose at long last!
When you love yourself fully, you become more in tune with your real feelings, and trust your intuition and decisions with little doubt or worry. Loving yourself will not only create a better space to be more vulnerable, open and authentic, it will mean that those who love you will become a reflection on how you love yourself.
Self-love will widen the door to your heart, and you’ll act out of kindness, compassion and joy. You’ll focus less on what’s going badly in your life and more on what’s good, which brings with it a sense of gratitude.
It’ll also open your eyes to new possibilities in life; you’ll see things that you’ve never seen before, and look for the good in people rather than the bad. With that, you’ll attract people who are generous with their love, and partake in experiences that you could only have dreamed of previously.
You’ll feel passionate, inspired and uplifted, and the best bit is it came all from within you!
That’s not saying there will be no challenging times, fears or worries, but you’ll be able to handle things better with more clarity and consciousness. True love will come in its own time, and because of your own self-love you’ll be less needy or desperate for it to happen, it’ll just happen.
So are you ready to love yourself first?
Featured photo credit: DonnaGrayson via flickr.com
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