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Seven Alternatives to Spanking Your Child that Actually Work

Seven Alternatives to Spanking Your Child that Actually Work

Spanking is a controversial subject. Some parents justify it as a form of effective discipline and some parents insist that it teaches children to feel disrespected and that it is okay to disrespect others.

This article is for those who are in the camp that does not believe the short-term effectiveness of spanking is worth the long-term unintended consequences. That is, that the fact the child will not disobey for the time being is not worth risking the child’s sense of self-respect and respect for others, damaging the child’s trust, heightening anxiety levels, teaching the child that it is okay to hit when angry, etc.

Here are seven alternatives to spanking that teach the child the lesson they need to learn, but don’t include the unintended consequences that accompany spanking:

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1. Natural consequences.

If Tommy keeps running away at the supermarket, secretly watch him from a hidden place until he panics that he is lost. If Tommy picked the flowers from the neighbor’s new garden, have him knock on the neighbor’s door and offer to do work to make up for the damages. If Tommy keeps throwing his truck, it is time to simply take the truck away. If Tommy is resisting his bedtime, tell him he can choose his bedtime, but tired or not, he has to get up at 7am with the rest of the family. If Tommy made a huge mess, make it his responsibility to clean it up.

2. Model and teach understanding and respect.

If the problem is disrespect or talking back, etc., then something is going on that spanking will make worse. If Tommy talks back, that’s the opportunity to sternly tell him that is not okay, and then drop the subject. Later, when he is calm, open a dialogue about what Tommy is really angry about, and teach and explain how he might express himself more respectfully.

If Tommy is acting out or having a meltdown, becoming angry will make it worse. Simply give him space and time to calm down without giving in to his demands. When he is calm, explain to him that it is not okay to act that way, but you are perfectly willing to listen to him express himself calmly. This method doesn’t escalate the child’s disrespect and doesn’t reinforce such behavior by providing positive or negative attention. Instead, it models understanding and respectful ways of communication.

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3. Calmly change the environment.

If Tommy keeps trying to jump down the stairs, put a gate on the stairs. If Tommy keeps sneaking cookies, put them in a place where he can’t access them. If Tommy keeps sneaking out of bed, consider a lock on the outside of the bedroom door.

4. Manage your own frustration or anger.

Most of the time when parents spank it is in order to expel their own anger and manage their own powerlessness, not to teach the kids anything. I think all parents have fallen into this trap of punishing a child for their own benefit as opposed to the benefit of the child. In these circumstances, it is good to practice delaying the consequence by walking away from the situation, and telling the child that you need a moment to think of a proper consequence.

5. Meet them where they’re at.

Sometimes, due to developmental factors, well-meaning kids continue to make mistakes. In these situations, it is best to surrender to the fact that the child is not developmentally able to “behave” at this point before providing opportunities to practice underdeveloped skills. Toddlers have limited language abilities, limited impulse control, limited abilities to reason, and limited abilities to control emotional responses. It is developmentally normal for older kids to assert themselves against the rules, to lie, and to have difficulty with frontal-lobe tasks such as planning, judgment, insight, and delaying gratification. Certain kids are more developmentally prone to seeking sensation, taking risks, hyperactivity, unintentional selective listening, difficulty with organization, or behavioral issues.

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Sometimes a kid who keeps tackling other kids is just sensation-seeking; a kid who looks like they are never listening may be legitimately unable to focus; a kid who is irritable and testy may simply be tired or hungry; a kid who is acting out or tuning out may be overstimulated and unable to cope with the noise or visuals around them. In these situations, it makes sense to acknowledge the reality of the child’s capabilities before holding them accountable for making gradual, realistic improvements.

6. Take away something good or add something bad.

If it is impossible to create a “natural consequence” (i.e., Tommy keeps running into the street, and you can’t exactly let him get hit by a car), then adding an arbitrary consequence is sometimes called for. My favorite examples of this type of consequence are removing a toy, removing a privilege, or giving a child chores.

7. Consult with the child.

Remember, the point of parenting is not to just get the child to listen to authority, but is to teach the child to be able to make good choices on his or her own so that he or she will be happy and successful. If a child engages in a certain behavior that is dangerous or inappropriate, ask them why they suppose that would or wouldn’t be a good idea. Ask them for suggestions for alternative behaviors that they could do instead in the future. Encourage the child to begin to think for themselves, but if the child is very young or just has a hard time providing ideas, offer up simple answers. This consultation process can happen whether or not there will be additional consequences or natural consequences to follow.

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Featured photo credit: Sis5769 via mrg.bz

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Last Updated on September 16, 2019

How to Stop Procrastinating: 11 Practical Ways for Procrastinators

How to Stop Procrastinating: 11 Practical Ways for Procrastinators

You have a deadline looming. However, instead of doing your work, you are fiddling with miscellaneous things like checking email, social media, watching videos, surfing blogs and forums. You know you should be working, but you just don’t feel like doing anything.

We are all familiar with the procrastination phenomenon. When we procrastinate, we squander away our free time and put off important tasks we should be doing them till it’s too late. And when it is indeed too late, we panic and wish we got started earlier.

The chronic procrastinators I know have spent years of their life looped in this cycle. Delaying, putting off things, slacking, hiding from work, facing work only when it’s unavoidable, then repeating this loop all over again. It’s a bad habit that eats us away and prevents us from achieving greater results in life.

Don’t let procrastination take over your life. Here, I will share my personal steps on how to stop procrastinating. These 11 steps will definitely apply to you too:

1. Break Your Work into Little Steps

Part of the reason why we procrastinate is because subconsciously, we find the work too overwhelming for us. Break it down into little parts, then focus on one part at the time. If you still procrastinate on the task after breaking it down, then break it down even further. Soon, your task will be so simple that you will be thinking “gee, this is so simple that I might as well just do it now!”.

For example, I’m currently writing a new book (on How to achieve anything in life). Book writing at its full scale is an enormous project and can be overwhelming. However, when I break it down into phases such as –

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  • (1) Research
  • (2) Deciding the topic
  • (3) Creating the outline
  • (4) Drafting the content
  • (5) Writing Chapters #1 to #10,
  • (6) Revision
  • (7) etc.

Suddenly it seems very manageable. What I do then is to focus on the immediate phase and get it done to my best ability, without thinking about the other phases. When it’s done, I move on to the next.

2. Change Your Environment

Different environments have different impact on our productivity. Look at your work desk and your room. Do they make you want to work or do they make you want to snuggle and sleep? If it’s the latter, you should look into changing your workspace.

One thing to note is that an environment that makes us feel inspired before may lose its effect after a period of time. If that’s the case, then it’s time to change things around. Refer to Steps #2 and #3 of 13 Strategies To Jumpstart Your Productivity, which talks about revamping your environment and workspace.

3. Create a Detailed Timeline with Specific Deadlines

Having just 1 deadline for your work is like an invitation to procrastinate. That’s because we get the impression that we have time and keep pushing everything back, until it’s too late.

Break down your project (see tip #1), then create an overall timeline with specific deadlines for each small task. This way, you know you have to finish each task by a certain date. Your timelines must be robust, too – i.e. if you don’t finish this by today, it’s going to jeopardize everything else you have planned after that. This way it creates the urgency to act.

My goals are broken down into monthly, weekly, right down to the daily task lists, and the list is a call to action that I must accomplish this by the specified date, else my goals will be put off.

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Here’re more tips on setting deadlines: 22 Tips for Effective Deadlines

4. Eliminate Your Procrastination Pit-Stops

If you are procrastinating a little too much, maybe that’s because you make it easy to procrastinate.

Identify your browser bookmarks that take up a lot of your time and shift them into a separate folder that is less accessible. Disable the automatic notification option in your email client. Get rid of the distractions around you.

I know some people will out of the way and delete or deactivate their facebook accounts. I think it’s a little drastic and extreme as addressing procrastination is more about being conscious of our actions than counteracting via self-binding methods, but if you feel that’s what’s needed, go for it.

5. Hang out with People Who Inspire You to Take Action

I’m pretty sure if you spend just 10 minutes talking to Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, you’ll be more inspired to act than if you spent the 10 minutes doing nothing. The people we are with influence our behaviors. Of course spending time with Steve Jobs or Bill Gates every day is probably not a feasible method, but the principle applies — The Hidden Power of Every Single Person Around You

Identify the people, friends or colleagues who trigger you – most likely the go-getters and hard workers – and hang out with them more often. Soon you will inculcate their drive and spirit too.

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As a personal development blogger, I “hang out” with inspiring personal development experts by reading their blogs and corresponding with them regularly via email and social media. It’s communication via new media and it works all the same.

6. Get a Buddy

Having a companion makes the whole process much more fun. Ideally, your buddy should be someone who has his/her own set of goals. Both of you will hold each other accountable to your goals and plans. While it’s not necessary for both of you to have the same goals, it’ll be even better if that’s the case, so you can learn from each other.

I have a good friend whom I talk to regularly, and we always ask each other about our goals and progress in achieving those goals. Needless to say, it spurs us to keep taking action.

7. Tell Others About Your Goals

This serves the same function as #6, on a larger scale. Tell all your friends, colleagues, acquaintances and family about your projects. Now whenever you see them, they are bound to ask you about your status on those projects.

For example, sometimes I announce my projects on The Personal Excellence Blog, Twitter and Facebook, and my readers will ask me about them on an ongoing basis. It’s a great way to keep myself accountable to my plans.

8. Seek out Someone Who Has Already Achieved the Outcome

What is it you want to accomplish here, and who are the people who have accomplished this already? Go seek them out and connect with them. Seeing living proof that your goals are very well achievable if you take action is one of the best triggers for action.

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9. Re-Clarify Your Goals

If you have been procrastinating for an extended period of time, it might reflect a misalignment between what you want and what you are currently doing. Often times, we outgrow our goals as we discover more about ourselves, but we don’t change our goals to reflect that.

Get away from your work (a short vacation will be good, else just a weekend break or staycation will do too) and take some time to regroup yourself. What exactly do you want to achieve? What should you do to get there? What are the steps to take? Does your current work align with that? If not, what can you do about it?

10. Stop Over-Complicating Things

Are you waiting for a perfect time to do this? That maybe now is not the best time because of X, Y, Z reasons? Ditch that thought because there’s never a perfect time. If you keep waiting for one, you are never going to accomplish anything.

Perfectionism is one of the biggest reasons for procrastination. Read more about why perfectionist tendencies can be a bane than a boon: Why Being A Perfectionist May Not Be So Perfect.

11. Get a Grip and Just Do It

At the end, it boils down to taking action. You can do all the strategizing, planning and hypothesizing, but if you don’t take action, nothing’s going to happen. Occasionally, I get readers and clients who keep complaining about their situations but they still refuse to take action at the end of the day.

Reality check:

I have never heard anyone procrastinate their way to success before and I doubt it’s going to change in the near future.  Whatever it is you are procrastinating on, if you want to get it done, you need to get a grip on yourself and do it.

More About Procrastination

Featured photo credit: Malvestida Magazine via unsplash.com

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