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10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships

10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships
It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.

1. You’re playing to win

One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.

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2. You don’t trust

There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.

3. You don’t talk

Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship.

4. You don’t listen

Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.

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5. You spend like a single person

This was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.

This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.

6. You’re afraid of breaking up

Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.

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7. You’re dependent

There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)

8. You expect happiness

A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.

9. You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.

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One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having.

The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better.

Your choices

There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.

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Last Updated on November 18, 2020

15 Tips to Restart the Exercise Habit (and How to Keep It)

15 Tips to Restart the Exercise Habit (and How to Keep It)

It’s okay, you can finally admit it. It’s been two months since you’ve seen the inside of the gym. Getting sick, family crisis, overtime at work and school papers that needed to get finished all kept you for exercising. Now, the question is: how do you start again?
Once you have an exercise habit, it becomes automatic. You just go to the gym, there is no force involved. But after a month, two months or possibly a year off, it can be hard to get started again. Here are some tips to climb back on that treadmill after you’ve fallen off.

  1. Don’t Break the Habit – The easiest way to keep things going is simply not to stop. Avoid long breaks in exercising or rebuilding the habit will take some effort. This may be advice a little too late for some people. But if you have an exercise habit going, don’t drop it at the first sign of trouble.
  2. Reward Showing Up – Woody Allen once said that, “Half of life is showing up.” I’d argue that 90% of making a habit is just making the effort to get there. You can worry about your weight, amount of laps you run or the amount you can bench press later.
  3. Commit for Thirty Days – Make a commitment to go every day (even just for 20 minutes) for one month. This will solidify the exercise habit. By making a commitment you also take pressure off yourself in the first weeks back of deciding whether to go.
  4. Make it Fun – If you don’t enjoy yourself at the gym, it is going to be hard to keep it a habit. There are thousands of ways you can move your body and exercise, so don’t give up if you’ve decided lifting weights or doing crunches isn’t for you. Many large fitness centers will offer a range of programs that can suit your tastes.
  5. Schedule During Quiet Hours – Don’t put exercise time in a place where it will easily be pushed aside by something more important. Right after work or first thing in the morning are often good places to put it. Lunch-hour workouts might be too easy to skip if work demands start mounting.
  6. Get a Buddy – Grab a friend to join you. Having a social aspect to exercising can boost your commitment to the exercise habit.
  7. X Your Calendar – One person I know has the habit of drawing a red “X” through any day on the calendar he goes to the gym. The benefit of this is it quickly shows how long it has been since you’ve gone to the gym. Keeping a steady amount of X’s on your calendar is an easy way to motivate yourself.
  8. Enjoyment Before Effort – After you finish any work out, ask yourself what parts you enjoyed and what parts you did not. As a rule, the enjoyable aspects of your workout will get done and the rest will be avoided. By focusing on how you can make workouts more enjoyable, you can make sure you want to keep going to the gym.
  9. Create a Ritual – Your workout routine should become so ingrained that it becomes a ritual. This means that the time of day, place or cue automatically starts you towards grabbing your bag and heading out. If your workout times are completely random, it will be harder to benefit from the momentum of a ritual.
  10. Stress Relief – What do you do when your stressed? Chances are it isn’t running. But exercise can be a great way to relieve stress, releasing endorphin which will improve your mood. The next time you feel stressed or tired, try doing an exercise you enjoy. When stress relief is linked to exercise, it is easy to regain the habit even after a leave of absence.
  11. Measure Fitness – Weight isn’t always the best number to track. Increase in muscle can offset decreases in fat so the scale doesn’t change even if your body is. But fitness improvements are a great way to stay motivated. Recording simple numbers such as the number of push-ups, sit-ups or speed you can run can help you see that the exercise is making you stronger and faster.
  12. Habits First, Equipment Later – Fancy equipment doesn’t create a habit for exercise. Despite this, some people still believe that buying a thousand dollar machine will make up for their inactivity. It won’t. Start building the exercise habit first, only afterwards should you worry about having a personal gym.
  13. Isolate Your Weakness – If falling off the exercise wagon is a common occurrence for you, find out why. Do you not enjoy exercising? Is it a lack of time? Is it feeling self-conscious at the gym? Is it a lack of fitness know-how? As soon as you can isolate your weakness, you can make steps to improve the situation.
  14. Start Small – Trying to run fifteen miles your first workout isn’t a good way to build a habit. Work below your capacity for the first few weeks to build the habit. Otherwise you might scare yourself off after a brutal workout.
  15. Go for Yourself, Not to Impress – Going to the gym with the only goal of looking great is like starting a business with only the goal to make money. The effort can’t justify the results. But if you go to the gym to push yourself, gain energy and have a good time, then you can keep going even when results are slow.

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