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You May Not Know These 8 Things Are Pushing Your Husband Away

You May Not Know These 8 Things Are Pushing Your Husband Away

My wife and I have a wonderful and happy marriage. Over these last several years we have learned from each other, grown with each other, loved each other and fought with each other.

I still remember when we first got married; all the hope and faith we had of being together forever, living happily ever after. We are still living our journey towards “happily ever after,” however a brief separation only two years into our marriage would challenge the strength and foundation of our friendship and act as a wake-up call to how difficult that journey could be.

The road to healing our relationship was paved with tons of hard work. In any relationship, there will be times you just want to give up and throw in the towel, however, I urge you not to give in too soon. You will be amazed what time and self-reflection can fix.

I write this to you as a husband, to remind you that your husband is not just your spouse. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back.

These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don’t know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage.

1. Being oblivious to financial matters.

There is almost always one person in a relationship who oversees all the financial matters. Stereotypically this role would fall on the husband, (though please note I said stereotypically as I am well aware that there are many wife’s that take on this burden as well.) leaving his partner completely oblivious to the state of their financial affairs.

This paradigm can lead to an unbalanced relationship. The wife could end up resenting the husband for being too controlling or naggy around topics of money and the husband could end up resentful of the wife’s frivolous spending and blissful ignorance. It is unfair for both parties in a relationship for one person to take on all the stress, risk and responsibility that comes with financial decisions.

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You are partners that have come together in marriage to build a future and part of that is sharing the responsibility of building your financial security.

2. Putting your parents or friends in the middle of your relationship.

Two’s a party, three’s a crowd. As single individuals it is a common practice for us to share our troubles and woes with those we love and who love us. This is not a bad thing; in fact it is completely natural. So it is understandable that this is a common mistake couples make at the beginning of a relationship.

The problem stems from the fact that our family and friends love us so much that they will automatically go to bat for us, even if we were the one in the wrong. Not to mention the fact that often it is too easy for us to tell our “version” of the truth that depicts ourselves as the sainted victim and our spouse as the heartless villain.

If you truly and deeply love your spouse, once you have vented all of your anger and hurt out to your loved ones, you realize how silly the whole thing was and it is much easier to return home with an open mind and a calmer more forgiving heart. Not so for your friends and family. You see, they truly and deeply love you, not your spouse. So it’s a lot harder for them to forgive, much less forget.

3. Micromanaging him on the little stuff.

Remember that before you became one in marriage, you were two independent people with independent thoughts, actions, likes and dislikes. Marriage doesn’t change this. She likes coffee, he prefers beer. She likes to sleep in; he gets up at the crack of dawn. These same wonderful differences that caused you to fall in love with each other can often be the very things that drive you apart.

At the beginning of a romance it’s all sunshine and rainbows. You wouldn’t believe that your Love could ever annoy you… much less drive you to the edge of sanity. Anyone who has been in any long term relationship can tell you though that there is a point where you will begin to fight about the most inane and pointless things; things like him not putting the toilet seat down or the lid back on the toothpaste or her spending all afternoon watching I Love Lucy reruns.

The easiest way to escape this spiral of doom is to remember that you are both human and therefore wonderfully and perfectly flawed. As much as your husband might be annoying you, don’t forget that you are no peach to live with either.

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Learn to have patience and understanding for each other. Compromise is important but don’t compromise yourself out of existence; allow each other “me” time where you can enjoy and express your individuality.

4. Not being on the same page on the big stuff.

Often, we can be so busy obsessing and micromanaging the little things in our relationships that we completely forget to address the big stuff until it is too late and we are blind sighted when our partner is not on the same page as we are.

Some of these issues are the simple basic stuff such as life goals, finances, when to have kids and how to raise them, politics, religion, etc. While these may seem obvious factors to have settled early on in a relationship, it is often not the case.

These topics can be very stressful and hard to discuss and most people are very set in their opinions with no desire to compromise. Because of this, when building a relationship, many people choose to ignore and skirt around these topics in an attempt to avoid conflict. I urge you to avoid this trap though because these topics will invariable come up in your relationship; you may find that not only are you not on the same page, you’re not even reading out of the same book.

5. Not trusting your husband.

If you believe your spouse is cheating, chances are that they probably are. If they haven’t though and you continue to suspect or not trust them they invariably will cheat on you.

Because you fear they may be cheating you will naturally withdraw physical affection. Then, your doubts, fears and lack of trust will seep further into your relationship and manifest itself by you snooping through their phone, grilling them about every aspect of their day and acting jealous and territorial in front of all members of the opposite sex.

Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. No one can feel truly loved in a relationship that they know that are not trusted in. Eventually, they will naturally gravitate towards someone else in order to find that love and trust.

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If you have been hurt before by someone else in the past it is understandable that you would have fears and insecurities. But if your significant other hasn’t given you any cause to doubt them, be cautious of punishing them with your fears caused by someone else’s actions. If you are not careful, your doubt will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

6. Thinking that Men read minds

One of the main elements that led to the separation between my wife and I was a lack of communication. There were times when I would say or do things that would upset her, however being a passive person she would bottle it up and not tell me. If you don’t share your hurt or feeling when asked, you can’t ever come to a common ground with your spouse. Which means you will never find healing. Don’t just respond with nothing when something bothers you.

7. Not taking care of yourself.

Some may view this as a harsh, but I feel it is something that needs to be said. Love and physical attraction are not the same thing. Most people typically fall in lust before they fall in love. While marriage can result from a deeper love of your personality, character and ideals; there was still an element of physical attraction that first drew you to each other.

Think back to the first year of your romance, chances are you would never go out on a date without attempting to look your absolute best. Now with hectic life, kids, jobs and the numbing effects of familiarity it is all too easy to forget to put yourself first. This may manifest itself in a few extra pounds, un-tweezed eyebrows and overused sweatpants.

While your partner will still love you, they may not be as physically attracted to you. Sex isn’t the only factor in a healthy marriage, but it is a key stone in the foundation and it begins with you. Not only because your partner may not find you as attractive, but because you will find yourself less attractive.

Taking care of yourself by putting yourself first will increase self-esteem; higher self-esteem translates into you feeling sexier. Feeling sexier leads to sex which leads to orgasms. Orgasms raise serotonin levels, reduce stress and will make you feel sexier which will in turn raise your self-esteem. I think you get the picture.

8. Being embarrassed to share your sexual fantasies

If you assume that most people do not enter into marriage prepared for divorce or the death of the spouse, then I believe it is also safe to assume that a common preconception accompanying marriage is that this is, ideally, the only person you will be having sex with for the rest of your life.

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If this thought is going to have any kind of appealing nature for either party, it is going to need more than just your love and loyalty. We are all created as sexual creatures. It is that simple. And yet, our sexuality is as unique and complex as our individuality.

You could possess all the carnal knowledge and skill in the world but if you do not understand the likes and dislikes of your partner, you may not necessarily enjoy new levels of intimacy in your relationship.

Your mind is your most powerful sexual organ and if you are going to have a healthy, lasting and satisfying sexual relationship you cannot be afraid or embarrassed to share your ultimate desires and fantasies.

Sex can be one of the most open, exposing and vulnerable expressions of love. It is not just your body that is exposed and shared, but your mind and soul as well. Let your partner in on the imaginations of your mind.

Reflect on the 8 things and see if any one of them can be used to spice up and sustain your relationship.

Featured photo credit: niched wallpaper via google.com

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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