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Why The Key To Finding True Love Is Self-Love

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Why The Key To Finding True Love Is Self-Love

I remember the day vividly. It was another weekend; another Sunday feeling lonely, miserable and unwanted. As I cried in my bedroom, unable to shake off that voice inside of me saying “Leave him, you don’t need this anymore,” I knew that it had to happen today. Finally, I’d hit my lowest point and was ready to tell him that I wanted to be on my own again.

It wasn’t easy, but then it never is when you still love someone — or you think you do. Yet I still had a strong emotional pull to end it, no matter how many tears fell down my cheek.

What saddens me more is that I’d gotten us to this point. I’d pushed, cajoled and manipulated him into it all of this from the beginning, and here I was ending it. For what seemed like forever, I’d wanted him to love me, to “complete” me and make me feel that I was worth something. And now I was turning my back on him, to it all, finally being honest with myself.

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I’d made my life his life, I no longer knew who I was, or what I wanted to do with my life. I’d lost a part of me.

He tried his best, the best that he knew how, and I’ll always love him for that. But it was never going to be good enough – not until I knew how to love myself first.

You see, I’d based my need for love and acceptance on what he thought of me. His opinion and view of who I was seemed to be the only thing that mattered. If he thought I was smart, intelligent, sexy and kind, then that’s who I became. I was what I thought he wanted me to be, and that was someone who wasn’t me.

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Then, when that day finally came, it wasn’t a bolt-out-of-the-blue decision. To be honest, it had been gnawing away at me for months, but I’d tried to numb it and pretend it didn’t exist.

Once I’d told him, I felt a deep sense of release, like a bird finally being set free from its cage. I could now start on my own journey of self-love and self-discovery.

Now I could:

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  • Be who I wanted to be with no need for acceptance from anyone
  • Finally follow my own dreams with no ties or complaints from someone else
  • Learn to give as much love, attention and care to myself before loving someone else again
  • Understand that having a sense of my own self-worth and self-reliance was important for my own well-being

It was finally my time, and I wasn’t going to go back to my old habits, relying on someone else to make me feel important, loved and special. I could do it all by myself, and I was ready to wake up and live with purpose at long last!

What is self-love anyway?

  • Not being afraid to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, and going with it wholeheartedly
  • Being good to yourself, being kind and compassionate — especially during difficult times
  • Eating well, drinking plenty of water and looking after that wonderful body of yours
  • Having the courage to stand up for what you believe, in no matter what
  • Being passionate about what makes you come alive, and sharing it with others
  • Knowing and understanding who you really are
  • Not being afraid to be vulnerable; keeping your heart open
  • Choosing to be happy; looking for the good in every situation, and learning from the bad stuff that happens
  • Being grateful for everything that you already have your life, and forgiving yourself for past mistakes

Want a great relationship? Learn how to love yourself first

When you love yourself fully, you become more in tune with your real feelings, and trust your intuition and decisions with little doubt or worry. Loving yourself will not only create a better space to be more vulnerable, open and authentic, it will mean that those who love you will become a reflection on how you love yourself.

Self-love will widen the door to your heart, and you’ll act out of kindness, compassion and joy.  You’ll focus less on what’s going badly in your life and more on what’s good, which brings with it a sense of gratitude.

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It’ll also open your eyes to new possibilities in life; you’ll see things that you’ve never seen before, and look for the good in people rather than the bad. With that, you’ll attract people who are generous with their love, and partake in experiences that you could only have dreamed of previously.

You’ll feel passionate, inspired and uplifted, and the best bit is it came all from within you!

Finding true love will be easier and more natural

That’s not saying there will be no challenging times, fears or worries, but you’ll be able to handle things better with more clarity and consciousness.  True love will come in its own time, and because of your own self-love you’ll be less needy or desperate for it to happen, it’ll just happen.

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So are you ready to love yourself first?

Featured photo credit: DonnaGrayson via flickr.com

More by this author

Paula Lawes

Paula loves people and connecting. She writes about communication and relationships tips on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on January 5, 2022

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

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How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

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That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

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More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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