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Stay Resilient: 4 Ways We Deal with the Blows that Life deals us

Stay Resilient: 4 Ways We Deal with the Blows that Life deals us

I love good surprises, but the bad surprises aren’t so much fun.

I wake in the morning. Get out of bed. Get dressed in my best suit. I head downstairs and turn on the Nespresso machine. I wait while it warms up. I place a blue capsule in the space. I push the button for a long coffee. It cranks up its pump motor and coffee begins to pour out into my cup.

I take the cup and as I turn, I bang into my girlfriend. Coffee covers my clean shirt, my suit pants. I’m drenched in coffee. How do I react?

There are crap things that can happen to us in a day: from the little things like spilt coffee, unexpected traffic, lost keys, forgetting stuff at home through the bigger blows like a car crash, the end of a relationship, loss of our job, loss of a loved one.

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The blows in life push me off-balance. It is hard to enjoy life when I am off-balance. I am not productive when I am in this place.

What can we do?

Martial Arts and Intentional Reaction

Martial arts are about dealing with blows. In the case of karate, judo or aikido these are real physical blows in the form of punches and kicks. A punch in the face hurts. A kick in the ass hurts. Martial arts are about practicing to handle these blows so that you don’t get hurt too much.

Karate is about blocking the blow. Judo is about using the energy of the blow against the attacker. Aikido is another level of response entirely.

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How Aikido Deals with Blows

George Leonard brought the Japanese martial art of Aikido to the USA back in the 1950s. He and 3 friends opened a dojo in California. He spent his whole life practicing Aikido. He was asked to write a short article for a local magazine on the art of mastery. The goal is discipline of daily work to improve towards excellence. His article was requested so often by readers, that he was asked to expand the material into a book. The book is called Mastery. The book explores the path towards excellence. It may be excellence in chess, excellence in tennis, excellence in piano, excellence in karate, or excellence in living.

We don’t have space in this short post to go into all the ingredients of mastery which George describes. There is only space to cover one idea. The idea is the decision to react intentionally.

Are You Practicing To Be Frustrated or Practicing To Be Productive?

Imagine Mr A and Mr B. They both had coffee spill on their fine clothes this morning. Mr A is pissed off. Mr B is fine. Why does the same occurrence cause two human beings to end in two different internal states?  Mr A is in a negative, disempowering state. Mr B is in a positive, empowering state.

It is not what happens to us that really shapes our lives. It is how we practice responding. It is a little bit of choice, but a lot of habit. If I am in the practice of getting angry and frustrated, I am getting better and better at turning any start point into a frustrated state. If I am in the practice of seeing the bigger picture, I am getting better and better at keeping myself in a productive, empowering state.

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George tells us that there are 4 ways that humans respond to the blows of life.

The 4 Responses to the Blows of Life

The four ways of responding that are demonstrated by George Leonard are:

  1. Defensive/Aggressive – respond to the blow with anger and a direct attack. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I tell him that he was late yesterday.
  2. Victim – respond to the blow as a victim “Poor me, this always happens to me”. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I break down in tears.
  3. Denial – respond to the blow as if nothing happened. “I feel nothing, I will go on as I am.” My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I ignore it and dive into my donut.
  4. Leader – respond to the blow by centering myself, really feeling how the blow affects me, accepting the blow, accepting my feelings and then acting once I have blended the energy of the external blow with my own. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I notice that I feel attacked, I notice a surge in emotion, I notice an urge to respond. I pause accepting this energy and I say “It is 12:15. Do you still have time?”

The Practice of Resilience

This is a matter of practice, not choice. If I practice centering myself for the little blows, I am preparing myself to make good choices when the bigger blows hit. How do you choose to practice?

By the way I screw this up 8 out of 10 times but one highly empowering view from a Buddhist philosophy is this: if only once in your day you pulled yourself back from a knee-jerk reaction and made a conscious intentional decision – it has been a good day.

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Don’t put yourself in a guilty state because you reacted poorly this morning. The fact that you are now aware of that poor reaction is a good step forward. Get ready for life’s next blow. They come guaranteed.

Featured photo credit: alixroth via flickr.com

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Conor Neill

Professor of Leadership, President Vistage Spain

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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