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Stay Resilient: 4 Ways We Deal with the Blows that Life deals us

Stay Resilient: 4 Ways We Deal with the Blows that Life deals us

I love good surprises, but the bad surprises aren’t so much fun.

I wake in the morning. Get out of bed. Get dressed in my best suit. I head downstairs and turn on the Nespresso machine. I wait while it warms up. I place a blue capsule in the space. I push the button for a long coffee. It cranks up its pump motor and coffee begins to pour out into my cup.

I take the cup and as I turn, I bang into my girlfriend. Coffee covers my clean shirt, my suit pants. I’m drenched in coffee. How do I react?

There are crap things that can happen to us in a day: from the little things like spilt coffee, unexpected traffic, lost keys, forgetting stuff at home through the bigger blows like a car crash, the end of a relationship, loss of our job, loss of a loved one.

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The blows in life push me off-balance. It is hard to enjoy life when I am off-balance. I am not productive when I am in this place.

What can we do?

Martial Arts and Intentional Reaction

Martial arts are about dealing with blows. In the case of karate, judo or aikido these are real physical blows in the form of punches and kicks. A punch in the face hurts. A kick in the ass hurts. Martial arts are about practicing to handle these blows so that you don’t get hurt too much.

Karate is about blocking the blow. Judo is about using the energy of the blow against the attacker. Aikido is another level of response entirely.

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How Aikido Deals with Blows

George Leonard brought the Japanese martial art of Aikido to the USA back in the 1950s. He and 3 friends opened a dojo in California. He spent his whole life practicing Aikido. He was asked to write a short article for a local magazine on the art of mastery. The goal is discipline of daily work to improve towards excellence. His article was requested so often by readers, that he was asked to expand the material into a book. The book is called Mastery. The book explores the path towards excellence. It may be excellence in chess, excellence in tennis, excellence in piano, excellence in karate, or excellence in living.

We don’t have space in this short post to go into all the ingredients of mastery which George describes. There is only space to cover one idea. The idea is the decision to react intentionally.

Are You Practicing To Be Frustrated or Practicing To Be Productive?

Imagine Mr A and Mr B. They both had coffee spill on their fine clothes this morning. Mr A is pissed off. Mr B is fine. Why does the same occurrence cause two human beings to end in two different internal states?  Mr A is in a negative, disempowering state. Mr B is in a positive, empowering state.

It is not what happens to us that really shapes our lives. It is how we practice responding. It is a little bit of choice, but a lot of habit. If I am in the practice of getting angry and frustrated, I am getting better and better at turning any start point into a frustrated state. If I am in the practice of seeing the bigger picture, I am getting better and better at keeping myself in a productive, empowering state.

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George tells us that there are 4 ways that humans respond to the blows of life.

The 4 Responses to the Blows of Life

The four ways of responding that are demonstrated by George Leonard are:

  1. Defensive/Aggressive – respond to the blow with anger and a direct attack. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I tell him that he was late yesterday.
  2. Victim – respond to the blow as a victim “Poor me, this always happens to me”. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I break down in tears.
  3. Denial – respond to the blow as if nothing happened. “I feel nothing, I will go on as I am.” My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I ignore it and dive into my donut.
  4. Leader – respond to the blow by centering myself, really feeling how the blow affects me, accepting the blow, accepting my feelings and then acting once I have blended the energy of the external blow with my own. My friend tells me that I have arrived late, so I notice that I feel attacked, I notice a surge in emotion, I notice an urge to respond. I pause accepting this energy and I say “It is 12:15. Do you still have time?”

The Practice of Resilience

This is a matter of practice, not choice. If I practice centering myself for the little blows, I am preparing myself to make good choices when the bigger blows hit. How do you choose to practice?

By the way I screw this up 8 out of 10 times but one highly empowering view from a Buddhist philosophy is this: if only once in your day you pulled yourself back from a knee-jerk reaction and made a conscious intentional decision – it has been a good day.

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Don’t put yourself in a guilty state because you reacted poorly this morning. The fact that you are now aware of that poor reaction is a good step forward. Get ready for life’s next blow. They come guaranteed.

Featured photo credit: alixroth via flickr.com

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Conor Neill

Professor of Leadership, President Vistage Spain

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Last Updated on June 3, 2020

19 Definitions Of Success You Should Never Ignore

19 Definitions Of Success You Should Never Ignore

What is success?

Is it wealth? Is it happiness? Is it fame?

The late Zig Ziglar was one of the most respected modern day experts on success, motivation, and leading a balanced life. In his book Born to Win!, he argues that success cannot be defined in one sentence, but instead it is comprised of many things. One could argue that the definition depends on the individual and that one size does not fit all[1].

Here are 19 different definitions of success. Not all of these will resonate with you, but chances are at least a few of them will. Use these or find inspiration here to create your own definition of success that can be applied to your unique life.

1. Success is always doing your best.

Success can be achieved when you try your best in all aspects of everything you do, even if that doesn’t lead to big results. If you’ve done your best, you should feel proud of your efforts.

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2. Success is properly setting concrete goals.

Be realistic and concrete when setting goals. Success does not come from setting abstract goals. If you know where you’re heading, that is a success in itself, even if you don’t ultimately arrive to the planned destination.

3. Success is having a place to call home.

Home is where your heart soars. You are always successful when you can call a place home. Home doesn’t have to be a specific structure. It can be a country, a city, or even a person. If you have a place you feel comfortable and safe, you’re already achieving something great.

4. Success is understanding the difference between need and want.

If you can meet your monthly obligations and fulfill your basic needs, you are successful. Being able to identify when you absolutely need something and when you can do without it often leads to financial stability and is a great way to succeed.

5. Success is believing you can.

If you believe you can, you will succeed. Self-belief doesn’t come naturally to everyone, so if you’re able to tell yourself that you can achieve the goals in your plans, you’re doing great.

6. Success is remembering to balance work with passion.

Work without passion creates undue stress and empty achievements. Focus on what excites you. If you’re happy at your job, that’s great. However, even if you aren’t, you can balance your formal job with hobbies or volunteer work you’re passionate about.

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7. Success is taking care of your needs.

Remember to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Self-care is essential if you want to have any meaningful impact on the world around you.

8. Success is learning that you sometimes have to say no.

Success only comes with a balanced life. Part of balance is learning to say no. Saying no doesn’t mean you are selfish; it simply means you have priorities and know what you need to give your attention to at any given time.

9. Success is knowing your life is filled with abundance.

Love, health, friends, family…life is filled with abundance. Recognizing this is an important step to feeling grateful for all life has given you. If you can feel this, you are already experiencing success.

10. Success is understanding you cannot keep what you don’t give away.

You will only succeed if you help others succeed. Learning to give instead of always take is part of creating a world we all want to live in. When you help others, you will also create an environment where others want to help you.

11. Success is overcoming fear.

Conquering a fear makes you feel invincible. Even if it’s confronting just one small fear each week, that is certainly something to feel proud of. The bigger fears will take more time, but any work you do to overcome fear will lead to success.

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12. Success is learning something new each day.

Successful people understand that learning never stops. Take time each day to converse with someone with opposing views, read an interesting article on a topic you know little about, or watch a TED talk on new research. It doesn’t take long to learn, so get started now.

13. Success is learning that losing a few battles can help you win a war.

Successful people choose their battles wisely. When you know which battles will ultimately help you achieve your goals, you will be successful.

14. Success is loving and being loved back.

Opening your heart to others is difficult and can produce fear. Having the courage to love and accept love from others is a step toward a fulfilling life and great success.

15. Success is standing your ground when you believe in something.

Successful people never give up on things they believe with all their heart. You may hold views that many people disagree with, but if you’ve done your research and know that it’s the right belief for you, you shouldn’t let it go without a fight.

16. Success is not giving up.

Perseverance creates grit, and grit achieves success. Even if it takes years to achieve a goal, persisting is key if you want success.

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17. Success is celebrating small victories.

Anytime a goal is reached or an obstacle is overcome, take time to celebrate, even if it’s something small. All goals require smaller objectives to be achieved first, so each time you complete one, take time to appreciate the work you put into it.

18. Success is never letting a disability hold you back.

Disabilities do not define a person’s success. The body and mind will compensate. Just because you can’t do absolutely everything doesn’t mean you can’t do something. Do what your body and mind allow and always push yourself. That is true success.

19. Success is understanding that you control your destiny.

Your destiny is controlled by you and you alone. Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences and you’ll find that you naturally become more successful.

The Bottom Line

Success can be defined in many ways. If you are experiencing happiness, love, or adventure in this moment, you’ve already found success. Keep it up.

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Featured photo credit: Dino Reichmuth via unsplash.com

Reference

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