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This Is Why You Shouldn’t Please Others But Yourself

This Is Why You Shouldn’t Please Others But Yourself

Who doesn’t want to be liked and accepted by their peers? I understand why you try to please others, but if you’re bending over backwards in a Herculean effort to make every single person happy, you need to knock it off. People-pleasing is an exhausting (and dishonest) activity that is stressing you out. If you suffer from approval addiction, I invite you to click ahead to discover why you should stop pleasing others but yourself.

Loss of Identity

If you are putting on a different show for every audience you come across during the day, it’s easy to lose track of who you really are. Ponder the personality and attitude you reflect with your friends, family, and co-workers. If you notice a stark contrast in how you behave in each social scenario, you are being untrue to yourself. I know there are certain things about you that you might want to avoid talking about with specific people and I get that, so please understand that I am not saying you should talk about your sex life with your parents or co-workers, but if you’re changing your personality and behavior wildly throughout the day, you are being dishonest, and phoniness can be detected from miles away. Be true to who you are, no matter who you are with. Don’t feel like you have to hide the quirky (interesting), strange (unique), or awkward (special) things about yourself, because this is precisely what makes you the wonderful individual you are.

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Wasted Time and Energy

Have you ever made plans that you really weren’t at all interested in, dreaded it all day, but then at the last second the person (who you didn’t want to hang out with at all) canceled and you felt so relieved? I know it’s difficult to say “no”, but life is too short to spend it doing things you don’t like to do. Be more mindful of how you spend your day and you’ll have more time for new hobbies, self-development, relaxation, and activities that make you truly happy.

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Sky-High Swagger and Confidence

Shape-shifting your personality to fit who other people think you should be is a sure-fire way to wreck your self-esteem. How could you be confident in who you really are when you’re making such a supreme effort to hide your genuine self from the world? When you learn to be comfortable with the fact that some people will disapprove of you no matter what you do (and stand firm despite that reality!), you will walk with swagger unlike ever before. There will always be people who don’t like you no matter what you do, so you might as well embrace the authentic (and wonderful) person you are without apology.

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More Fulfilling Relationships

If a person likes you for a complete fabrication of a personality you have invented, what’s the point? I would rather have a few friends who love and accept me as I am than a lot of friends who like a phony. Embrace your true self and share it with the world. It is true that some people won’t be fans of your authentic self, but it’s also true that the ones who matter will stand by your side no matter what. The quantity of your relationships is meaningless, so shift your focus to the quality relationships that make you happy and fulfilled. If you’d like to step up the quality of your romantic relationship, check out these 15 rules that will help you deepen your relationship.

I Dare You to Tell Me Something Quirky, Strange, or Unique about Yourself (Confession Time!)

You don’t need to change yourself to please others (and you do need to be true to you for your mental health and happiness!). The world needs the special gift that only you can bring to the table. What’s something interesting about yourself that makes you the unique individual you are?

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More by this author

Daniel Wallen

Freelance Writer

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The Gentle Art of Saying No

The Gentle Art of Saying No

No!

It’s a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments — you simply spread yourself too thin and will not be able to get anything done, at least not well or on time.

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But requests for your time are coming in all the time — through phone, email, IM or in person. To stay productive, and minimize stress, you have to learn the Gentle Art of Saying No — an art that many people have problems with.

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What’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person, and saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.

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But it doesn’t have to be difficult or hard on your relationship. Here are the Top 10 tips for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No:

  1. Value your time. Know your commitments, and how valuable your precious time is. Then, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know that you simply cannot do it. And tell them that: “I just can’t right now … my plate is overloaded as it is.”
  2. Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
  3. Practice saying no. Practice makes perfect. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the word. And sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no. Eventually, they’ll get the message.
  4. Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.
  5. Stop being nice. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests (that are not on your top priority list) as possible.
  6. Say no to your boss. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss — they’re our boss, right? And if we say “no” then we look like we can’t handle the work — at least, that’s the common reasoning. But in fact, it’s the opposite — explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your productivity and jeopardizing your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask him/her to re-prioritize, explaining that there’s only so much you can take on at one time.
  7. Pre-empting. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that requests are likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting, “Look guys, just to let you know, my week is booked full with some urgent projects and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”
  8. Get back to you. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, simply tell them: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it some consideration.
  9. Maybe later. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say, “This sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me in [give a time frame].” Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands.
  10. It’s not you, it’s me. This classic dating rejection can work in other situations. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time. Simply say so — you can compliment the idea, the project, the person, the organization … but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true — people can sense insincerity.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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