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How To Have The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

How To Have The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

First off, let me say that I’m no relationship guru.  I don’t have any magic tricks or secrets to get you to the ideal relationship.  But fret not.  What I do have is a strong work ethic and the desire to try new things continuously and prune my approach to relationships in a way that continuously improves my situation.  In essence, what I have is the same as what you have—a Lifehack mentality.  And my Lifehack mentality is how I’ve come up with these strategies.  These ought to give you a strong foundation to build upon, and while no two relationships are alike, they all require nurturing and time to grow.  Consider these tips the “Miracle Gro” for your relationship.

1. Determine what you want and what you’re willing to give.

Before you can work towards having the relationship you’ve always wanted, “the ideal relationship” needs to be defined.  It will be different for each of us and we need to know what is perfect for us. You may want to sit down with a notepad or computer and start writing.

Some questions you should be able to answer include: “What is important to me in a relationship? What are the necessities?  What are the big deal breakers?  How will this person treat me?  How will I treat them?  What am I willing to do?  What am I not willing to do?  How can I best please my partner?  How can my partner best please me?”

It may seem like a silly exercise, but in doing it, you’ll start to realize what you actually want (which is likely different than what you think you want) and what you’re actually willing to give.  You have to start with realistic expectations and commitments.  Give up on the idea of what a relationship “should” be like, and start to determine exactly what you want yours to be like.

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2. Assess your relationship “self.”

Unless you’re just a selfish person, having the relationship you’ve always wanted isn’t just about getting what you want, but about satisfying your parter’s needs as well.  Since the part of the “ideal relationship” that you have the most control over is what you do, you should start by assessing your relationship “self.”

Are you doing everything you can to create the ideal relationship environment?  Are you fulfilling all of the necessary requirements?  Does your behavior/commitment to the relationship deserve an ideal relationship?

Work on yourself to become someone worthy of a perfect relationship.  Make sure you’re exceeding all of your partner’s expectations, and satisfying them beyond all requirements.  Work on yourself so that you are creating the perfect relationship for your partner.  This will make it much easier for them to do the same for you.  The best way to assess your relationship “self” is by soliciting feedback.

Ask your partner, your family, and your close friends for feedback with regards to your relationship with them.  Prepare yourself to accept any feedback they are willing to give you.  Remember, they are doing you a favor, not attacking you.  Take their feedback into great consideration and assess how well you fit the role you will play in your ideal relationship.

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3. Take responsibility for your happiness.

Your happiness is not your partner’s responsibility.  Nor is their happiness yours.  Take responsibility for your own happiness.  In doing so, you take back the control and decide to be happy.  It’s unfair for us to put that responsibility on our partner, and yet so often we do.  Then we blame them for our not being happy.  So stop it.  Take it back, and make yourself happy.

4. Give up on being right.

“You can be right or you can be happy.”  We’ve all heard that quote, but it bears repeating.  Too often we inflict damage on our relationship by requiring our partner to accept our point, rather than sharing in the experience of conversation fairly.  Remember, the goal is to enjoy each other’s company and friendship, not to establish intellectual dominance over the other person.  If your goal is the latter, join a debate club.

5. Perfect the art of conversation.

My wife and I have a pretty fantastic relationship.  It started with great conversation.  We’ve known each other since we were very young, and at some point in our teenage years we had one great conversation.  That conversation lead to us both wanting to have another, then another, then another.

Ten years later, and nearly four of those years married, we’re still having amazing conversations. We debate all sorts of things; politics, religion, world policy, science, medicine, business, art, books, movies, music, and much more.  Sometimes it seems like we’re arguing, and maybe even fighting.  But we know what we’re doing.  We have plenty of practice.  And we have the utmost respect for each other’s feelings.  We never cross lines to hurting one another or insulting.   We get heated at times—I tend to get loud when I get pumped.  But these conversations are the life blood of our relationship, and I look forward to growing old with her and having these conversations.

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6. Be more affectionate.

I’m not necessarily talking a bunch of PDA here, but find a comfortable form of affection and engage in it often.  Maybe you’re a hand-holder, maybe you’re a baby-talker (it’s more common than you think), or maybe you are the too-much-PDA type.  Whatever works for you, do it, and do it more.

Also, hug and cuddle more, even if you’re not the cuddling type. Multiple studies have shown that cuddling and physical contact with people we love releases oxytocin, or “the love hormone.” Oxytocin has been linked to promotion of attachment in relationships, boosting sexual arousal, improving social skills, and more, all of which seems quite beneficial to a good, strong relationship.

7. Be quick to apologize and be quicker to forgive. 

You should never go to sleep angry, right?  Maybe, maybe not.  But one thing is for sure: you should be quick to apologize.  Don’t hold your apology while waiting for his. Likewise, if your partner has apologized, be quick to forgive.  They are making themselves vulnerable with their apology, and you owe it to them to protect their feelings.  Develop this habit, and it will be easy to never go to sleep angry again.  Neglect this habit and you’ll spend many a night facing opposite directions gritting your teeth until you fall asleep.

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8. Make each other better.

Do you like the person you are when you are in the relationship?  Do you like the person your partner is?  Are you a better person in the relationship than you would be alone?  A relationship is a partnership, often with the expectation that it is for life (or at least for a long time).  Would you keep a business partner that was making you a worse person?  I know I wouldn’t.  Strive to make each other better, and you’ll both value the relationship a lot more.

9. Devote time to your partner.

This is something that I had to learn the hard way.  In never wanting to appear “soft,” I often would leave my partner to hang out with the guys.  I know, I know. How macho, right?  One day she finally told me that I wasn’t spending enough time with her.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want me to hang out with the guys (because she’s never stopped me from doing that), it was that she just wanted my attention as well.  Since then I’ve made a point to spend time with her each day.  Some times it’s the whole day; other times it’s a 10 minute conversation before we drift off to sleep.  But I try my best to devote some time in every day to her.  It means a lot to her.  And she means a lot to me.

10. Make it passionate.

We stress.  We get tired.  We have things to do tomorrow.  There are plenty of reasons not to expend the effort to “make it passionate.”  But I always imagine this: what if you were hoping for an evening of passion and he turned you down.  I know I’d feel pretty crumby, and probably a bit rejected.  I’d never want my partner to feel rejected by me.  So from time to time try to add a little passion to your relationship.  I’m sure you can find ways to do that.  If not, here are 5 Ways to Keep Passion Alive in Relationships.

Quick Tips

Here are a couple of quick tips to keep in mind when building/nurturing your relationship.  Not all of them will apply to everyone, so find which work for you and holdfast to them.

  • Give genuine compliments often
  • Always assume the best of your partner
  • Encourage, rather than expect, your partner to improve
  • Learn to listen actively
  • “Just Because” gifts never go out of style
  • Focus your efforts on what you can do for your partner, and they will likely do the same
  • Volunteer together—it makes you both feel really good about yourself and each other
  • Take care of yourself
  • Spend time apart
  • Appreciate the little things
  • Don’t neglect the “friendship” aspect of your relationship
  • Share secrets
  • Better yet, share fantasies
  • Create and work towards common goals
  • Spend more time outdoors together
  • Accept differences and agree to disagree

Obviously getting the relationship you’ve always wanted requires more effort and strategy than can fit in one blog post, but these tips will help create a solid foundation on which to build your ideal relationship.

What did we miss?  What do you do to keep your relationship in good order?  Leave a comment and help us find and create the relationship we’ve always wanted.

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Last Updated on April 23, 2019

13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently

13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently

Let me begin by being 100% frank with you – everyone is capable of happiness.

Happiness is first a choice but it also takes persistence to maintain. Happiness is our birth right and my mission is to help as many people as I can live their happiest life.

My mission is to spread the message that everyone deserves happiness.

To live a happy life; however, you must do the work, gain the necessary knowledge, and increase your awareness.

You must fully embody this state and begin to think and feel happiness on every level of your being.

Often times, excuses present themselves and our mind gives us the reasons why we can’t be happy:

“I am too busy right now to focus on happiness”

“I will be happy when I finish school, when I have the money, when I am in the right relationship, when I have kids, when my children are older….”

“I would have had a happy life if this traumatic event had never happened”

“I don’t deserve happiness”

EVERYONE deserves happiness. The reason that you are here right now is because you have a purpose and you are on the earth to enjoy your journey.

Think BIGGER than your excuses. Push FARTHER than your complaints.

Don’t be pulled away from greatness. Get uncomfortable. At least these are what happy and successful people do on a daily basis.

This article highlights the top 13 tips and tricks of how happy people think and feel.

If you would like to begin embodying this life-changing state, then… Here are the 13 ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently:

1. Happy People Put Happiness First

Happy people have made the decision that their end goal is happiness.

Every situation, event, bad day ultimately ends with happiness.

To them, happiness is equivalent to sleep and water – it is a necessity to their life. To live an unhappy life is to have never lived at all.

The happy person asks,

“What would be the point of living if every day and moment were filled with negativity?”

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“Why would I deplete my energy on negativity when I expend less to be positive?”

They make happy-based decisions which means in EVERY MOMENT they choose happiness.

If their circumstances can’t change then they instead change their perspective, they look for the silver lining in the negative.

Happy people don’t let negativity steal their moments away – a positive mindset always prevails.

If you ask a happy person how their day was, they will always answer your question with a highlight or a lesson learned.

2. Happy People Embrace Pain

I know what you are thinking –

“No one is ALWAYS happy”

or …

“Even happy people get in bad moods”

and …

These statements are absolutely accurate.

Happy people aren’t always happy and they DO get into bad moods. They get overwhelmed, they feel defeated, and their feelings get hurt.

Happy people aren’t invincible and they feel pain just like everyone else. The only difference between happy people and people who let negativity run their lives is that…

Happy people quickly acknowledge their pain and they make a decision to find a way to transform their pain into something greater. They also use these 13 simple ways to shake off the sadness.

Happy people admit the negativity they feel and they do what it takes to get back into their natural state: happiness.

When your end goal is happiness, then you will find a way to achieve it no matter how much strength you have to muster.

3. Happy People Have a Happy Self-Image

We all have an image in our minds that we subconsciously live up to.

The reason that change is so hard is because our subconscious mind is programmed to live by how we define ourselves.

How are you currently defining yourself?

For happy people, they see themselves with a smile, positive outlook, and/or a bounce in their step. When an event or situation arises that brings in a negative emotion, they quickly change their state to resemble their natural self-image.

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When happy people are in a bad mood, it feels unusual to them because feeling negative isn’t aligned with how they see themselves.

When they feel upset, they acknowledge the negativity and look for a solution to bring their emotions to the level of how they perceive themselves.

Look at how you define yourself today – your mind and body are always trying to live up to the definition it is taught to believe.

Your body’s job is to keep you in a “normal” state because this is where it feels most comfortable.

If your self-image is happy, then your mind and body will naturally be brought back to where it feels at home. Your actions will be a clue to how you define yourself.

4. Happy People Have a Strong Support System

The happiest people know that it takes a village and they lean on others for support.

Happy people feel comfortable reaching out for help when they feel that their resistances are overpowering them. They quickly sense their negativity and they tell somebody.

Happy people ask for assistance when they can’t figure out a problem. Seeking help takes strength and it never gets in the way of their self-worth. Happy people appreciate the wisdom that their support system provides.

They have strong connections with the people who are close to them. They never trudge through tough times alone because jeopardizing their happiness for too long would be detrimental to their well-being.

5. Happy People Safeguard Their Minds from Negative Triggers

Warding off negativity is almost impossible when we live in a society that lives by what went wrong and feeds off of what could go wrong. News travels instantaneously so it would be unrealistic to shut this out of your life completely.

However, one strategy that happy people use to safeguard their minds is regulating their environment.

We have a lot of control on how we allow our environments to affect us. We can control our social media feed, the television shows and movies we watch, the books that we read, the people that we spend our time with, and the places that we hang out.

If happiness is your end goal, then take a good look at what is bringing you down. What triggers your unhappiness? See if there is anything in your environment that can be changed……

What we listen to, read, and who we hang out with influence our mind, what we think about, what we worry about, our reactions, and behaviors.

Happy people know what triggers a feeling of negativity and it feels out of alignment for them so they do what it takes to avoid it.

They might regulate their social media news feed to reflect the information that brings them positive energy. They might regulate the people that they spend their time with. It is important to hang out with like-minded people.

What are you triggers? How can you avoid the negativity in your environment?

These are ways that happy people regulate their environment and safeguard their minds.

6. Happy People Know When to Say “No”

Happy people know when to sit one out and say “no.” They do this to protect their happiness and well-being.

Life gets overwhelming – a lot of people need our attention and the to do list can seem never ending.

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Happy people give themselves permission to take the day off and they feel comfortable with saying “no” when their stress levels begin to climb. They understand that those around them aren’t benefiting from someone who is frazzled, overwhelmed, and tired.

A happy person identifies their negative emotion and then they quickly treat it to bring themselves back to their “normal” state, so that they can be at their best for not only themselves but for those around them, too.

A simple “no” can ultimately mean many more “yes’s” in the future because happiness has a long battery life. You can take a look at Leo Babauta’s article The Gentle Art of Saying No and learn to say no.

7. Happy People Are Good Evaluators

Happy people can quickly sense when something is off with themselves or others. They are very intuitive to happiness levels. When someone isn’t quite right, they are the first ones to notice.

Being able to evaluate happiness means that you can identify when negativity is lingering around for too long.

We all have bad days; however, the happy person evaluates often and quickly intervenes.

In other words, happy people frequently evaluate their state and immediately change when their pessimism is overshadowing their joy.

8. Happy People Bring Other People Up

What goes on inside of us is mirrored into our physical world.

What we think about literally consumes our life and is displayed in our work, relationships, and attitude.

Happy people naturally feel good inside and about themselves so they treat others the way that they treat themselves. It never feels forced to give a compliment or to help out a stranger.

When we are truly happy with ourselves, everyone around us has a better experience. Happy people are kind to themselves and because of this, it feels natural to them to want to make others’ happy, too.

9. Happy People Go After Their Dreams

Happy people are always following the joyful path. They make happy-based decisions and because of this, they always end up where they want to be.

It’s absolutely impossible to be happy by following an undesirable path, which is quite opposite for unhappy people.

Most people journey through life on a path they think they are “supposed” to be own. Warning signs (negativity) are often ignored because they truly believe that these feelings are a normal part of life.

Negativity is NOT normal.

The happiest people investigate the negativity in their life and quickly analyze the results. This process allows them to get back on the joyful path which ends in a desirable outcome.

Follow your happiness and your dreams will come true (If that isn’t motivation then I don’t know what is!)

In addition to happiness, here are 14 amazing things that happen when you live your passion.

10. Happy People Never Sweat the Small Stuff

The only expectation that the happy person has is that they remain in a joyful state.

They rarely have expectations for the events and people in their lives because they know that this is a sure way to get let down.

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The happiest people take life as it comes – you could say that they roll with the punches. When you don’t have expectations, thenyoue can just sit back and watch how beautifully life unfolds.

Happy people understand that bad things are inevitable, they are a part of life – The car will break, the kids will make mistakes, people will be late, and dinner will burn.

If it’s not anything seriously affecting their lives, then they don’t give their energy to it.

11. Happy People Rarely Have to Prove That They Are Right

Happy people remember that it’s more important to live up to what they believe. When you live your life aligned with your belief system, then there is no need to explain or prove yourself to others.

Differences in opinions are inevitable, but the happiest of people know it’s wasted energy to defend their position.

It is more effective to simply show people, through actions, how you think, feel, and what you believe.

Energy is saved, arguments are diminished, and credibility/respect are gained when we live by what we believe.

12. Happy People Smile (Even When They Don’t Want To)

Smiling is one of the healthiest things we can do; and happy people use this simple trick quite often.

It has been proven that smiling has the ability to boost your immune system, decrease stress levels, and can even make you look younger. The benefits of smiling have even been backed up by science.[1]

Better yet, smiling is contagious. When you engage in a quick smile, you are likely to brighten someone else’s day along with your own. It is no wonder why happy people smile often!

13. Happy People Live Life in the Present Moment.

When we are genuinely happy, we are living for the moment.

Happy people let go of the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future. They take the moments for what they are worth – they only invest their energy in what feels right to them.

Everyone is capable of living a happy-centered life. You deserve a life that you desire – your dream life. All you have to start doing is make happy-based decisions TODAY.

In every moment, decide on what makes you happy – decide on what gets you excited. Stop doing what you don’t love, don’t listen to the people that you dislike.

If you are engaging in something that isn’t bringing you joy, then quit doing it. Listen to your heart, stop ignoring the warning signs (negativity) because they are there for a reason.

I have observed, studied, and interviewed some of the happiest and most successful people along with some of the most miserable and self-loathing.

It starts with one decision – happiness.

The happiest, most successful people choose happiness with EACH and EVERY decision. And you can start doing this today.

Featured photo credit: Autumn Goodman via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Harvard Business Review: The Science Behind the Smile

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