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How To Have The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

How To Have The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

First off, let me say that I’m no relationship guru.  I don’t have any magic tricks or secrets to get you to the ideal relationship.  But fret not.  What I do have is a strong work ethic and the desire to try new things continuously and prune my approach to relationships in a way that continuously improves my situation.  In essence, what I have is the same as what you have—a Lifehack mentality.  And my Lifehack mentality is how I’ve come up with these strategies.  These ought to give you a strong foundation to build upon, and while no two relationships are alike, they all require nurturing and time to grow.  Consider these tips the “Miracle Gro” for your relationship.

1. Determine what you want and what you’re willing to give.

Before you can work towards having the relationship you’ve always wanted, “the ideal relationship” needs to be defined.  It will be different for each of us and we need to know what is perfect for us. You may want to sit down with a notepad or computer and start writing.

Some questions you should be able to answer include: “What is important to me in a relationship? What are the necessities?  What are the big deal breakers?  How will this person treat me?  How will I treat them?  What am I willing to do?  What am I not willing to do?  How can I best please my partner?  How can my partner best please me?”

It may seem like a silly exercise, but in doing it, you’ll start to realize what you actually want (which is likely different than what you think you want) and what you’re actually willing to give.  You have to start with realistic expectations and commitments.  Give up on the idea of what a relationship “should” be like, and start to determine exactly what you want yours to be like.

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2. Assess your relationship “self.”

Unless you’re just a selfish person, having the relationship you’ve always wanted isn’t just about getting what you want, but about satisfying your parter’s needs as well.  Since the part of the “ideal relationship” that you have the most control over is what you do, you should start by assessing your relationship “self.”

Are you doing everything you can to create the ideal relationship environment?  Are you fulfilling all of the necessary requirements?  Does your behavior/commitment to the relationship deserve an ideal relationship?

Work on yourself to become someone worthy of a perfect relationship.  Make sure you’re exceeding all of your partner’s expectations, and satisfying them beyond all requirements.  Work on yourself so that you are creating the perfect relationship for your partner.  This will make it much easier for them to do the same for you.  The best way to assess your relationship “self” is by soliciting feedback.

Ask your partner, your family, and your close friends for feedback with regards to your relationship with them.  Prepare yourself to accept any feedback they are willing to give you.  Remember, they are doing you a favor, not attacking you.  Take their feedback into great consideration and assess how well you fit the role you will play in your ideal relationship.

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3. Take responsibility for your happiness.

Your happiness is not your partner’s responsibility.  Nor is their happiness yours.  Take responsibility for your own happiness.  In doing so, you take back the control and decide to be happy.  It’s unfair for us to put that responsibility on our partner, and yet so often we do.  Then we blame them for our not being happy.  So stop it.  Take it back, and make yourself happy.

4. Give up on being right.

“You can be right or you can be happy.”  We’ve all heard that quote, but it bears repeating.  Too often we inflict damage on our relationship by requiring our partner to accept our point, rather than sharing in the experience of conversation fairly.  Remember, the goal is to enjoy each other’s company and friendship, not to establish intellectual dominance over the other person.  If your goal is the latter, join a debate club.

5. Perfect the art of conversation.

My wife and I have a pretty fantastic relationship.  It started with great conversation.  We’ve known each other since we were very young, and at some point in our teenage years we had one great conversation.  That conversation lead to us both wanting to have another, then another, then another.

Ten years later, and nearly four of those years married, we’re still having amazing conversations. We debate all sorts of things; politics, religion, world policy, science, medicine, business, art, books, movies, music, and much more.  Sometimes it seems like we’re arguing, and maybe even fighting.  But we know what we’re doing.  We have plenty of practice.  And we have the utmost respect for each other’s feelings.  We never cross lines to hurting one another or insulting.   We get heated at times—I tend to get loud when I get pumped.  But these conversations are the life blood of our relationship, and I look forward to growing old with her and having these conversations.

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6. Be more affectionate.

I’m not necessarily talking a bunch of PDA here, but find a comfortable form of affection and engage in it often.  Maybe you’re a hand-holder, maybe you’re a baby-talker (it’s more common than you think), or maybe you are the too-much-PDA type.  Whatever works for you, do it, and do it more.

Also, hug and cuddle more, even if you’re not the cuddling type. Multiple studies have shown that cuddling and physical contact with people we love releases oxytocin, or “the love hormone.” Oxytocin has been linked to promotion of attachment in relationships, boosting sexual arousal, improving social skills, and more, all of which seems quite beneficial to a good, strong relationship.

7. Be quick to apologize and be quicker to forgive. 

You should never go to sleep angry, right?  Maybe, maybe not.  But one thing is for sure: you should be quick to apologize.  Don’t hold your apology while waiting for his. Likewise, if your partner has apologized, be quick to forgive.  They are making themselves vulnerable with their apology, and you owe it to them to protect their feelings.  Develop this habit, and it will be easy to never go to sleep angry again.  Neglect this habit and you’ll spend many a night facing opposite directions gritting your teeth until you fall asleep.

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8. Make each other better.

Do you like the person you are when you are in the relationship?  Do you like the person your partner is?  Are you a better person in the relationship than you would be alone?  A relationship is a partnership, often with the expectation that it is for life (or at least for a long time).  Would you keep a business partner that was making you a worse person?  I know I wouldn’t.  Strive to make each other better, and you’ll both value the relationship a lot more.

9. Devote time to your partner.

This is something that I had to learn the hard way.  In never wanting to appear “soft,” I often would leave my partner to hang out with the guys.  I know, I know. How macho, right?  One day she finally told me that I wasn’t spending enough time with her.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want me to hang out with the guys (because she’s never stopped me from doing that), it was that she just wanted my attention as well.  Since then I’ve made a point to spend time with her each day.  Some times it’s the whole day; other times it’s a 10 minute conversation before we drift off to sleep.  But I try my best to devote some time in every day to her.  It means a lot to her.  And she means a lot to me.

10. Make it passionate.

We stress.  We get tired.  We have things to do tomorrow.  There are plenty of reasons not to expend the effort to “make it passionate.”  But I always imagine this: what if you were hoping for an evening of passion and he turned you down.  I know I’d feel pretty crumby, and probably a bit rejected.  I’d never want my partner to feel rejected by me.  So from time to time try to add a little passion to your relationship.  I’m sure you can find ways to do that.  If not, here are 5 Ways to Keep Passion Alive in Relationships.

Quick Tips

Here are a couple of quick tips to keep in mind when building/nurturing your relationship.  Not all of them will apply to everyone, so find which work for you and holdfast to them.

  • Give genuine compliments often
  • Always assume the best of your partner
  • Encourage, rather than expect, your partner to improve
  • Learn to listen actively
  • “Just Because” gifts never go out of style
  • Focus your efforts on what you can do for your partner, and they will likely do the same
  • Volunteer together—it makes you both feel really good about yourself and each other
  • Take care of yourself
  • Spend time apart
  • Appreciate the little things
  • Don’t neglect the “friendship” aspect of your relationship
  • Share secrets
  • Better yet, share fantasies
  • Create and work towards common goals
  • Spend more time outdoors together
  • Accept differences and agree to disagree

Obviously getting the relationship you’ve always wanted requires more effort and strategy than can fit in one blog post, but these tips will help create a solid foundation on which to build your ideal relationship.

What did we miss?  What do you do to keep your relationship in good order?  Leave a comment and help us find and create the relationship we’ve always wanted.

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Last Updated on August 20, 2018

60 Things To Be Thankful For In Life

60 Things To Be Thankful For In Life

Sometimes it’s easier to focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we do have. It’s important to take time out and remember all of the things to be thankful for that many of us take for granted.

    Here you’ll find 60 very solid things to be thankful for in your everyday life. These are great reminders for you to treasure everything you have.

    1. Good Health

    Even if you’re health isn’t great, it could be worse and you likely still have some working parts to be thankful for.

    2. Money in the Bank

    Having just a few coins makes you richer than most people on Earth.

    3. Good Friends

    Often, it’s the quality of friendships, not the quantity.

    4. Freedom of Religion

    Being able to worship whomever and however you want is something many people don’t ever experience.

    5. Your Parents

    Even if they’re dysfunctional, they gave you life.

    6. Weekends

    There’s something magical about weekends.

    7.Having a Partner

    Being in a romantic relationship can teach you so much about the world and yourself.

    8. Pets

    Pets offer one of the best examples of unconditional love.

    9. Learning from Mistakes

    If we never made mistakes, we wouldn’t learn much so it is one of those things we should be thankful for.

    10. Opportunity to Get an Education

    The opportunity to attend school is something many people don’t have.

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    11. Having a Home

    Whether you live in an apartment, a mansion, or a tent, having a place to call home is something to be thankful for.

    12. An Ability to Read

    If you’re reading this right now, you have a lot to be thankful for.

    13. Breathing Fresh Air

    Being able to step outside to breathe in fresh air is a good reminder how many little things we should be thankful for.

    14. A Bed to Sleep

    A bed is one of those things that’s easy to take for granted, until you don’t have one.

    15. Laughter

    Without laughter, the world would be a sad place.

    16. Safety and Security

    Being able to wake up without immense fear frees us up to really live life.

    17. Cars

    Without cars, it would take a lot longer to get our activities done.

    18. Sunshine

    The sun’s warmth can brighten any day.

    19. Time

    Although we often don’t think there’s enough of it, time is something we shouldn’t take for granted.

    20. Clean Water

    Many people on earth lack access to clean water.

    21. Cell Phones

    Cell phones make talking to loved ones easy.

    22. Love

    The world sure would be a different place if we lacked the ability to love.

    23. Books

    Books provide an opportunity to enter another world all from the comfort of your own home.

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    24. Kindness of Strangers

    Never take the kindness of a stranger for granted.

    25. Campfires

    The simplicity of a campfire creates lifelong memories.

    26. Pain

    Without pain, it would be difficulty to appreciate life’s joys.

    27. Art

    The world would be less beautiful if art didn’t exist.

    28. Holidays

    Any reason to celebrate is something we should be thankful for.

    29. Freedom of Speech

    Being able to express your thoughts and feelings freely should never be taken for granted.

    30. Rainbows

    The beauty of a rainbow is unmatched.

    31. Tears

    Sometimes when there are no words to say, tears express how we feel for us.

    32. Waking up Today

    Simply waking up today means you have things to be thankful for.

    33. Indoor Plumbing

    Indoor plumbing not only provides convenience, it spares us from disease.

    34. Wisdom that Comes with Age

    Thankfully, we grow smarter over time.

    35. Mountains

    Mountains provide us with beauty and recreation.

    36. Eyesight

    Being able to see allows us to view the world’s beauty.

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    37. Grocery Stores

    Grocery stores mean we don’t have to spend all of our time getting our own food.

    38. Sunsets

    Sunsets are a reminder that we should enjoy the simple things in life.

    39. Entertainment

    Entertainment gives us a way to relax and enjoy life.

    40. Your Mind

    Being able to think, remember, and solve problems sure makes life easier.

    41. Employment

    Even if you don’t like your job, being employed means someone thought you were special enough to hire.

    42. Diversity

    The world would be a boring place without diversity.

    43. Moon and Stars

    The moon and stars encourage us to dream.

    44. Electricity

    Electricity makes most of our chores efficient.

    45. Air Conditioning

    Staying cool on a hot day is something people wouldn’t have dreamed about in past centuries.

    46. Hearing

    Being able to hear your loved one’s voice is something that not everyone gets to do.

    47. Children

    Watching children laugh, grow, and dream can keep things in perspective.

    48. Ability to Learn

    The ability to learn new things means we have endless potential.

    49. People Willing to Teach

    Whether it’s your grandmother teaching you to knit or your plumber showing you how to prevent future problems, be grateful that others are willing to use their time and talents to teach you something new.

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    50. Oceans

    The sea creatures in the ocean almost seem too mystical to be real.

    51. Modern Medicine

    Without advances in modern medicine, many of us wouldn’t be alive.

    52. Music

    Music brings out new emotions.

    53. Entrepreneurs

    Some of life’s best inventions resulted from an entrepreneur who was willing to take a risk.

    54. Warm Clothing

    On a cold day, there’s nothing more important than warm clothing.

    55. Freedom to Vote

    Being able to have a say in the laws should never be taken for granted.

    56. An Internet Connection

    It’s hard to believe how easy it is to take the internet for granted, seeing how none of us had just a couple of decades ago.

    57. Challenges

    Without challenges in life, we wouldn’t be the people we are now.

    58. Hiking Trails

    Hiking trails give us the chance to enjoy mother’s nature beauty.

    59. Vaccines

    Many of us wouldn’t be alive without today’s vaccinations.

    60. Armed Forces

    Our lives would likely be very different if we didn’t have protection from the armed forces.

    Realizing all the things you should be thankful for is the first step, practicing gratitude is what you should start doing:

    6 Ways To Implement More Gratitude In Your Life

    Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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