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8 Things To Remember Before Moving On To The Next Relationship

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8 Things To Remember Before Moving On To The Next Relationship

Are you feeling loss, despair, and sheer pain after a break up? The wounds are open and still hurt a lot. Obviously these will all have to be worked through and dealt with so that you can heal and move on. Remember that you have never loved in vain.

“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart”
-Washington Irving

Here are 8 things to remember to help you move on. Make sure you have all these checked off before you start getting involved again.

1. Stop thinking about what went wrong.

You know the drill. You start to go over again and again what you should have said to him/her. Then there is the whole litany of what you should have done, how you should have reacted and what you should have protested about or changed or …. The lying, cheating, dishonesty and sheer bloody-mindedness still shock you. The softer, romantic, and nostalgic moments of the shared dreams and plans haunt you too.

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The best solution is to accept that it has happened and that you are not a lesser or weaker person. Reflect on what mistakes you perhaps made because, let’s be honest, we can always learn from them. Convince yourself that after closure, you will be stronger, better, and just as attractive, if not more so, than before.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us”
-Alexander Graham Bell

2. Promise not to stalk your ex.

Let us hope this is reciprocal! But there is a much milder form of cyber stalking which has you sneaking around your ex’s Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. You are always there, lurking and watching. It’s toxic, so stop it!

3. Spoil yourself.

This is the best time to start spoiling yourself and do all the things that you held back from doing because you did not want to appear too selfish. Now is the time to splurge on a new car, gym membership, new sports or hobbies, holidays and having a great time. Try to seek out what stimulates you and makes you passionate because these are often brushed under the carpet in a deep and intense relationship.

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4. Take care of your health.

After a break up, you are normally physically weaker and stressed out. The whole situation has drained you mentally as well. This is the time to ease back, if you can, on work and family commitments. Time to put yourself first, get plenty of sleep, eat well and try to get some exercise.

Try to convince yourself that the stronger and healthier you are, the more attractive and fascinating you will become. Things can only get better.

5. Re-connect with friends and family.

Gravitate towards supportive friends and family who will be a tower of strength to you in this difficult transition period. Avoid any friends who are too curious and gossipy. They will want to know the ins and outs of the break up but this sort of post-mortem analysis really needs to be minimal. Sometimes it may help with closure to talk about it. But never let it become obsessive where you and your friend make nasty comments about your ex all the time.

Try to socialize as much as possible as loneliness and isolation are likely to generate too many negative thoughts, worries, fears and regrets. It may be a good idea for you to do charity work or get involved in a project you feel passionate about. It helps to heal wounds and opens up new opportunities for making friends. You are now beginning to move on.

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“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”
-Albert Einstein

6. Change your routine.

There is always the risk that you may run into your ex and that is not really going to help, especially if you are still in the closure phase.

The best solution is to adjust your routine and also seek out new haunts. That might mean changing your bar, gym and tennis club but it is well worth the effort because they will spur you on to the new chapter in your life. As someone wisely said, “Frequent your possible future, not your past.”

 7. Don’t be too compromising.

When you get the chance to date someone that could be interesting, you need to make sure that you have certain things in order. First, you need to make sure that you are not carrying any heavy emotional baggage from your previous relationship. Second, you need to remind yourself about what you like and expect from a significant relationship. Keep this in the forefront of your mind as you get more and more involved. There is no way you are going to let your standards slip and you know which boundaries cannot be crossed. Been there, done that!

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“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.” – Anonymous

8. Start living again.

Look out for the healthy closure signs which mean that you can now really move on. You have to remember that you are stronger, not weaker after a break up. You are still committed to those values and priorities for a really significant relationship. Above all, you realize what skills and talent you possess to move on to the next relationship. Now is the time to start living again, in the real sense of the word.

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived”
-Margaret Mitchell (author of Gone With The Wind)

Featured photo credit: a disagreement in the water/Paul Aloe via flickr.com

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More by this author

Robert Locke

Author of Ziger the Tiger Stories, a health enthusiast specializing in relationships, life improvement and mental health.

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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