“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself” Walter Anderson
Losing someone you love through changes such as: death, divorce, relationship demise, or miscarriage, is a painful and emotional experience. The experience of loss is a life challenge that happens to all of us and for most of us, it happens more than once in our lives.
I remember the first time, in my early twenties when I lost someone I loved. He decided that he didn’t love me and that we needed to move on. I was devastated and didn’t know how I would survive the pain.
I did survive and in fact as a result of that break up I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I went and lived overseas for number of years. Though I didn’t think so at the time he ended up doing me a big favor.
The loss of my parents was another life test that threw my world into chaos and pain. I remember thinking the same thing as I did when I was going through my relationship break up in my early twenties, “How am I ever going to survive this pain?”
Well, I have survived and as a result of these losses in my life I have become emotionally stronger and resilient. I believe that it is these life challenges that provide us with the opportunity for personal growth and to learn some of the most important lessons in our lives.
“In school you are taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you are given a test that teaches you a lesson” Malcolm X
I love the quote from Malcolm X as he explains so well how we are taught our lessons of life – we have to be tested to learn the lesson. Losing someone you love is a test of life and you have no control over the challenges that life throws at you. What you do have however is the power to control your response to these life challenges.
Here are 7 valuable things that I learned as a result of losing people in my life who I have loved deeply.
I would like to share these learnings with you to encourage you, to live your life to the fullest, to chase your dreams, to deal with the curveballs that life throws at you, to seize the moment and to treasure the gifts of life, love and laughter.Advertising
1.Live Your Life to the Fullest As It Can Change In A Blink Of An Eye
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable”. Helen Keller
My father and mother died within 3 days of each other and when they died my life changed in a blink of an eye. From from that day I realized just how precious life is. How important it is to live in the moment, to be present and not to wish away your life.
If you have a dream but you are too scared to go for it –don’t wait for the right time, as it never is the right time, just do it. Find a way and go for it. My priorities also changed and I realised that I needed to get clear about what was important in my life. For me it was my family and my friends who were most important in my life. Following my dream, to be a writer, speaker and coach became the most important thing for me to do in my life. I knew that I had to follow my dream because I didn’t want to look back at my life with regret and wished I had given it a go.
Life is too short to have regrets! Embrace life, take the time to make memories and cherish the moments you spend with the people you love. Get your priorities sorted and know what is important to you.
2. Appreciate And Show Gratitude As People Matter More Than Anything
“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance” Eckhart Tolle
The people you surround yourself with – your family and friends is your treasure chest. They are more important than all the money, the power or fame, the cars, the clothes, the houses, the boats, or the overseas holidays you may have.
All these material things you gather, your fortune and your power are easy to get and easy to lose. The people in your life who love and support you, once you lose them you cant get them back.
Always show your love and appreciate those you love in your life. Remember that the people you touch with your appreciation and gratitude will bring great joy and enrichment to your life. Don’t be afraid to show your love and affection to people. Take the time to make the phone call to a friend you haven’t seen in ages. Don’t let your pain and despair isolate you from people. Make the time to nurture and grow your relationships. You need the energy of others to help you heal.
I realized this lesson very early on in my journey. I could not have survived the loss of my parents without my family and my friends.
3. Healing Is A Process – get to know the process and don’t rush it!
“And so I wait. I wait for time to heal the pain and raise me to me feet once again – so that I can start a new path, my own path, the one that will make me whole again.” ― Jan Canfield
Loss hurts. We may feel anger at being left by the person we love, we may feel despair, sadness and be fearful about our future.
What we are feeling is very real and you need to go through the process and feel your grief. Accept that it takes time to heal and that here is light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just have to get through the dark tunnel. You can bury pain deep within you and think that you are coping and you can get on with life. But, I guarantee that if you don’t acknowledge and deal with your emotional pain, it will find you. The hidden layers of pain will erupt back into your life with such force you won’t know what has hit you.
Another important part I believe of the healing process is Forgiveness. This is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you have been rejected and and betrayed by the one you love.
The negative thoughts that come with your anger and pain are soul destroying. The more you hate and despise the person you have lost, the less likely it is that you will heal.
Forgiveness does not happen overnight. It is a process that takes time and patience. However, when you free yourself of negative thoughts and behaviours, you become more empowered to strive to live a life that is full of hope, optimism and happiness.
Always be kind to yourself. It took me a long time to learn to be kind to me and to make time for me. If I had spent more time looking after me, sharing my pain rather than trying to be strong all the time – my healing would have been a less bumpier journey.
4. Use Your Power Of Choice – choose to live a happy life and choose to be hopeful.
“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” Dalai Lama XIV
We cannot control the bad things that happen in our life, however we can control our reactions to these challenging events through our Power of Choice.
Essentially how we live our life is determined by how we choose to live it.
When we step into using our Power of Choice we are actively seeking solutions to deal with the challenges we have to face. Using our power of choice empowers us to recognise how we can move forwardAdvertising
.To move forward we maintain our hope for a better future and with hope comes a happy life. A very simple recipe to life however we can sabotage this recipe to living a happy life by not trusting ourselves to step out of our comfort zone.
Choose to turn your loss and pain into a life learning journey, where the result for you is, you have become stronger, more empowered and live a more enriched life.
5. Find You and Your Purpose in Life
“When you lose something in your life, stop thinking it’s a loss for you… it is a gift you have been given so you can get on the right path to where you are meant to go, not to where you think you should have gone” Suze Orman
Each time I have lost someone I loved either in death or a relationship break I have learned so much about me.
For me, having a life purpose gives my life meaning. Don’t waste your energy on what is not important. Focus on what you have, not what you don’t have. Don’t be overwhelmed by the journey to find your purpose in life – it is a big journey.
Make a plan and take action – don’t give up. Set realistic and achievable goals and take one step at a time.
Celebrate your successes – each time you achieve your goal no matter how small or how big, celebrate it and share your successes with those you love. Happiness comes when you know what you are doing, believe in what you are doing and love what you are doing.
The pursuit of your happiness is all about you living a meaningful life and when you find your purpose in life, you increase your happiness by 200 percent.
6. Don’t Let Your Past Rule Your LIfe Now And In The Future
“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the future” Jan Glidewell
Your past is your opportunity to learn the lessons you need to deal with your present life.Advertising
Let go of your regrets in life, make peace with your past, accept it and move on. Look for opportunities for self-discovery and learn how to trust and believe in you.
You are not what happened in your past, you are whom you choose to be now and in your future. Become the strong empowered resilient person you desire to be. The person who looks forward to the future and is living a happy fulfilled life.
7. Don’t Run Away From Life – stay strong and embrace its unpredictability.
“Running away from your problems is a race you will never win, so just face them head on, and overcome them.” – Unknown
Life is a strange and amazing journey, full of painful experiences and beauty. Running away from the challenges life presents to us is not the answer to dealing with life. When you run away the only place you can go is nowhere!
The pain, the discomfort and the challenges of life will follow you where ever you go. It is ok to fall apart for a little while but only for a little while.
Unpredictable hardships in life are inevitable and when we overcome these hardships and meet them head on – we grow stronger, become more resilient and our life flourishes. Spend time on you, developing your strength and your resilience. Get prepared for life and be adaptable and flexible
. Remember that everything that happens to you is a life lesson – embrace life and never forget how precious the moments in life are.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen”. Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Last Updated on November 11, 2019
Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?
A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.
You know how this looks:
- Parents constantly comparing children.
- Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
- Domestic violence.
- And many others.
For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.
Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.
Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.
This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.
In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.
If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.
Table of Contents
How to fix a dysfunctional family
In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.
And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.
Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?
It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.
Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.
Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.
There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…
Dysfunctional… Or just average?
Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.
The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.
You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…
A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.
Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.
Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:
- Unrealistic expectations
- Lack of interest and time spent together
- Lack of empathy
- Unequal or unfair treatment
- Disrespect towards boundaries
- Control Issues
- Verbal and physical abuse
- Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse
The link to productivity
You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…
If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.
Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.
How to turn it around
When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.
But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:
One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.
We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?
As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.
What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?
Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?
Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…
Correction is possible
In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.
All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.
Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.
This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.
But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.
So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.
Putting it to work in real life
In real life it would be something like this:
“OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”
“Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.
“Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.
As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.
This is what you have to remember:
2-Why it’s wrong?
3-What you need.
And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.
It’s a family thing
A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.
Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.
In other words, you will need cooperation…
So don’t be afraid of asking for it!
Approach your family member and ask to be listened.
We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.
You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.
It’s not a free-for-all battle
In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.
No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.
Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.
And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…
1. Drop the ego
Wherever there is conflict there is ego.
You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.
Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.
What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.
It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.
After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…
Tell the other person how important all this is to you.
Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.
Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.
And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.
You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…
2. Not blame, but responsibility
When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.
But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…
When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.
What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!
Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.
As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.
You will do something like this:
“Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.
I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.
You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.
I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.
It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”
What happened here?
We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.
We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.
We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.
And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.
You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.
This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!
3. Doing the work
What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!
This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.
Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.
If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.
It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.
“When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.
I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.
But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”
You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.
Love is all you need
You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.
That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.
And what happens if it simply is not there?
What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?
What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?
There is only one thing you can do:
To break away.
Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.
There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:
“We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”
If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…
Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.
You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.
So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.
What do I mean?
Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.
Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.
Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.
Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.
They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.
Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:
I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…
I choose my peace of mind.
And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…
Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.
Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.
How to prevent it
There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:
- To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
- To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)
Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.
You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.
Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.
Priorities and clear thought
You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.
You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.
You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.
Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…
If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.
And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.
Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.
But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.
Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com