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6 Ways You Are Pushing People Away, Even Though You Don’t Feel Like You Are

6 Ways You Are Pushing People Away, Even Though You Don’t Feel Like You Are

Sometimes, we push people away without even realizing it. Other times, we do it consciously, but then regret it later on. While the ways in which you push people away may differ from person to person, there are some less-than-ideal behaviors that are sure to lead to some distances. Here are some of the ways in which many of us push people away:

1. Having low self-esteem.

Constantly feeling bad about yourself eventually leads to others viewing you in the same light. As mentioned above, if you feel that seeing a professional would be beneficial, you should absolutely look into that. If you don’t feel that you need to do this, consider thinking long and hard about your problems and try to make a change. Your friends love you for many reasons, so don’t give them a reason to forget about those things and focus on the negatives. Even though having low self-esteem can feel like a very personal matter that shouldn’t affect your relationship with others, it absolutely does.

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2. Not talking.

If you’re hanging out with a group of friends and you’re sitting in a corner not speaking to anyone, you give off a vibe that people should leave you alone. While it can be hard to realize, this definitely pushes people away. Don’t rely on others’ pity or charity. Get up and talk to people! It’s much more rewarding, and will certainly do the opposite of pushing people away. If anything, it will bring you closer together with your friends!

3. Not listening.

If your friend comes to you with a problem, try to listen and help him or her out. It pushes people away when they think they can’t come to you for advice or support, so try to listen and be engaged when speaking to others. This is a simple thing to fix, and doing so will make your relationships much stronger and more rewarding for everyone involved. After all, if you listen, others will listen to you. You’re being a good friend, and down the line when you need advice, your friends will be there to support you.

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4. Making everything about you.

Life isn’t fair, and things don’t always go your way. But when you act like every little thing is about you, it makes people want to spend less time with you. Try to look at things from others’ perspectives and to remove yourself from the situation. Chances are, people aren’t actually talking about you negatively as much as you think they are.

5. Complaining too much.

Every now and then, a good venting session can be great. However, if you’re constantly whining about something, it can really push people away. After all, they have their own problems to deal with. If you feel like you really need someone there for you, consider consulting a professional to get the help that you need. Otherwise, don’t burden your friends with too many of your problems. It’s tempting to complain, and it can feel good to do so, but in the long run it will only make you miserable and your friends even more miserable. The only thing worse than having things to constantly complain about is listening to these constant complaints.

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6. Acting accusatory.

If you’re accusing someone of doing something, and you do that often, it’s going to alienate that person. No one wants to feel as if they’re being accused of anything, so try not to do so. If you feel that you need to confront someone about something, try rephrasing your words. For example, instead of saying, “You never clean the kitchen,” say, “I feel like I’m usually the one cleaning the kitchen. Could you help me next time?” The second version says the same thing, but is much less accusatory.

Featured photo credit: Andree Ludtke via flickr.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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