You’ve heard the old saying, “Nice guys finish last.” Well, it’s only partly true.
Numerous studies confirm that women find shy, nice guys unattractive. I often hear women say, “All I want is a nice guy who treats me well and listens to me.” If this is true, why do these types of guys get left behind?
I was the “nice guy” and thought if I just agreed with everything women said, nodded my head, and only asked questions to learn more about them, I would eventually attract the ladies. After all, I wasn’t like those cocky, loud guys who seemed to attract a ton of women. And, a lot of women I knew said they didn’t like those types of guys and just wanted a nice boy to take home to their parents.
I thought I figured out the secret to meeting more women. I thought, wow, I don’t have to sound dumb or lame, freeze up, and I can just ask questions so they keep talking! After all, I thought, women love to chat!
Needless to say, this strategy doesn’t work. It wasn’t working for me so I spent years figuring out what really makes people tick. There has to be something more to it, even though women claim they are looking for a nice guy.
There are five themes in becoming more attractive, compelling, and confident.
1. It’s not just about asking questions.
I used to avoid talking as much as I could. Sometimes I didn’t know to say. Other times I was so nervous that I would freeze up and nothing would come out. To avoid this, I would just ask more questions!
I’m not saying it’s not important to ask questions–especially good questions–but, that is only half the story. Frankly, it’s quite strange for someone to berate with you questions without saying anything in return.
It can come across as nagging or intrusive when someone consistently asks questions. They can feel just as awkward as you do. They start asking themselves, “Why does this person want to know so much about me?” or “Why don’t they have anything to say?”
You don’t want to be a creeper.
2. You have to show them you are interesting.
The fact is, women aren’t going to find you attractive, interesting, or confident unless you show them you are these things. Women aren’t “convinced” of this because you believe you are, or if you just be yourself, you’ll magically attract the right woman.
It’s not enough to naturally attract someone by thinking your way to love. It’s not enough to be nice and curious about them. You have to feel confident, interesting, attractive and show people that you are. Moreover, you can’t just ask your way to become more interesting, you have to show them how you personally relate to what they have to say.
3. It takes a lot of practice.
It’s easy to say “just ask good questions” or “show them you are attractive” and then be done with it. However, it takes practice to learn how to be a good conversationalist. Even more, you have to look beyond the tips, strategies, and methods and find out what’s really holding you back.
Often, we believe that if only we could say the “right” thing, then we would be interesting. It takes time to improve. It takes time to learn why you feel shy and can’t talk to someone.
It’s not something that you read about once, practice it, try out that night, and then fall in love!
Not only does it take practice, it takes a deep understanding of what mental barriers are holding you back from being more attractive.
4. You have to learn how to make conversation, with anyone.
Imagine you’ve found someone you really like and she introduces you to her parents. You continue only asking questions and are shy around her parents. Do you think they are going to see you as a good fit for their daughter? I hear things like, “He seems like a nice boy but doesn’t really have much to say. I don’t really know much about him. Maybe over time, he’ll open up.”
Imagine meeting her brother, her friends, or her co-workers for the first time. The truth is, you’re going to have to show more people how confident you are. It’s not just a one-time event.
I don’t recommend learning quick tricks or pick-up lines. Pic-up artists are missing something critical when it comes to meeting more women.
Firstly, it’s disingenuous to act like somebody you’re not. I will never be that cocky, smooth, extroverted guy who the ladies love. It’s just not going to happen. Second, there’s more to the story than focusing on what to say when approaching a woman.
It’s not just about feeling confident around a woman–it’s about being confident around anybody.
5. The right people are interested in you
The types of guys who seem to have all the ladies flocking towards them are not who we are. And, do we really want to be? I would much rather meet quality women who value my personality and want to get to know me, than a large quantity of women who I probably won’t get along with anyway.
The right woman will be attracted to you. The right people will be interested in you. The right people will not only see your best qualities, but they will want to know more about you. The truth is not everyone is going to be interested in you and I find this to be a huge relief. We’re not trying to impress everyone. We’re simply showing the right people our best qualities.
Now, you may be thinking, is he still a nice guy? Well, I never stopped being a nice guy (my mom and wife would kill me if I did). However, I learned that I could be both nice and confident.
The combination of confidence, kindness, coupled with an astute conversational ability can make anyone become more attractive.
You don’t have to brag about yourself. You don’t have to be loud. You don’t have to be arrogant. You don’t have to be someone you’re not.
You can be yourself.
Even better, you can learn to be a confident guy who shows the right people just how awesome you are.
Featured photo credit: Man, One of The Happy/Bigter Choi via pixabay.com