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5 Harsh Lessons Every Nice Guy Should Learn

5 Harsh Lessons Every Nice Guy Should Learn

You’ve heard the old saying, “Nice guys finish last.” Well, it’s only partly true.

Numerous studies confirm that women find shy, nice guys unattractive. I often hear women say, “All I want is a nice guy who treats me well and listens to me.” If this is true, why do these types of guys get left behind?

I was the “nice guy” and thought if I just agreed with everything women said, nodded my head, and only asked questions to learn more about them, I would eventually attract the ladies. After all, I wasn’t like those cocky, loud guys who seemed to attract a ton of women. And, a lot of women I knew said they didn’t like those types of guys and just wanted a nice boy to take home to their parents.

I thought I figured out the secret to meeting more women. I thought, wow, I don’t have to sound dumb or lame, freeze up, and I can just ask questions so they keep talking! After all, I thought, women love to chat!

Needless to say, this strategy doesn’t work. It wasn’t working for me so I spent years figuring out what really makes people tick. There has to be something more to it, even though women claim they are looking for a nice guy.

There are five themes in becoming more attractive, compelling, and confident.

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1. It’s not just about asking questions.

I used to avoid talking as much as I could. Sometimes I didn’t know to say. Other times I was so nervous that I would freeze up and nothing would come out. To avoid this, I would just ask more questions!

I’m not saying it’s not important to ask questions–especially good questions–but, that is only half the story. Frankly, it’s quite strange for someone to berate with you questions without saying anything in return.

It can come across as nagging or intrusive when someone consistently asks questions. They can feel just as awkward as you do. They start asking themselves, “Why does this person want to know so much about me?” or “Why don’t they have anything to say?”

You don’t want to be a creeper.

2. You have to show them you are interesting.

The fact is, women aren’t going to find you attractive, interesting, or confident unless you show them you are these things. Women aren’t “convinced” of this because you believe you are, or if you just be yourself, you’ll magically attract the right woman.

It’s not enough to naturally attract someone by thinking your way to love. It’s not enough to be nice and curious about them. You have to feel confident, interesting, attractive and show people that you are. Moreover, you can’t just ask your way to become more interesting, you have to show them how you personally relate to what they have to say.

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3. It takes a lot of practice.

It’s easy to say “just ask good questions” or “show them you are attractive” and then be done with it. However, it takes practice to learn how to be a good conversationalist. Even more, you have to look beyond the tips, strategies, and methods and find out what’s really holding you back.

Often, we believe that if only we could say the “right” thing, then we would be interesting. It takes time to improve. It takes time to learn why you feel shy and can’t talk to someone.

It’s not something that you read about once, practice it, try out that night, and then fall in love!

Not only does it take practice, it takes a deep understanding of what mental barriers are holding you back from being more attractive.

4. You have to learn how to make conversation, with anyone.

Imagine you’ve found someone you really like and she introduces you to her parents. You continue only asking questions and are shy around her parents. Do you think they are going to see you as a good fit for their daughter? I hear things like, “He seems like a nice boy but doesn’t really have much to say. I don’t really know much about him. Maybe over time, he’ll open up.”

Imagine meeting her brother, her friends, or her co-workers for the first time. The truth is, you’re going to have to show more people how confident you are. It’s not just a one-time event.

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I don’t recommend learning quick tricks or pick-up lines. Pic-up artists are missing something critical when it comes to meeting more women.

Firstly, it’s disingenuous to act like somebody you’re not. I will never be that cocky, smooth, extroverted guy who the ladies love. It’s just not going to happen. Second, there’s more to the story than focusing on what to say when approaching a woman.

It’s not just about feeling confident around a woman–it’s about being confident around anybody.

5. The right people are interested in you

The types of guys who seem to have all the ladies flocking towards them are not who we are. And, do we really want to be? I would much rather meet quality women who value my personality and want to get to know me, than a large quantity of women who I probably won’t get along with anyway.

The right woman will be attracted to you. The right people will be interested in you. The right people will not only see your best qualities, but they will want to know more about you. The truth is not everyone is going to be interested in you and I find this to be a huge relief. We’re not trying to impress everyone. We’re simply showing the right people our best qualities.

Now, you may be thinking, is he still a nice guy? Well, I never stopped being a nice guy (my mom and wife would kill me if I did). However, I learned that I could be both nice and confident.

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The combination of confidence, kindness, coupled with an astute conversational ability can make anyone become more attractive.

You don’t have to brag about yourself. You don’t have to be loud. You don’t have to be arrogant. You don’t have to be someone you’re not.

You can be yourself.

Even better, you can learn to be a confident guy who shows the right people just how awesome you are.

Featured photo credit: Man, One of The Happy/Bigter Choi via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on June 23, 2019

20 Things People Regret the Most Before They Die

20 Things People Regret the Most Before They Die

Close your eyes and imagine that you’re at your own funeral—a bit morbid I know, but there’s a reason for it. Now think about what you’d like people to say about you. What kind of a life do you want to lead? People die with all kinds of regrets. Don’t be one of them.

1. I wish I’d cared less about what other people think.

It’s only when you realise how little other people are really thinking of you (in a negative sense) that you realise how much time you spent caring and wasting energy worrying about this.

2. I wish I had accomplished more.

You don’t have to have won an Oscar, built up a business or run a marathon, but having small personal accomplishments is important.

3. I wish I had told __ how I truly felt.

Even if the “one” doesn’t exist, telling someone how you truly feel will always save you from that gut wrenching”but what if…” feeling that could linger for life if you stay quiet.

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4. I wish I had stood up for myself more.

Sometimes, it’s too easy to think that if you go all out to please everyone you’ll be liked more or your partner won’t run off with anyone else. I think age probably teaches us to be nice but not at the expense of our own happiness.

5. I wish I had followed my passion in life.

It’s so easy to be seduced by a stable salary, a solid routine and a comfortable life, but at what expense?

6. I wish our last conversation hadn’t been an argument.

Life is short, and you never really know when the last time you speak to someone you love will be. It’s these moments that really stay clear in peoples’ minds.

7. I wish I had let my children grow up to be who they wanted to be.

The realisation that love, compassion and empathy are so much more important than clashes in values or belief systems can hit home hard.

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8. I wish I had lived more in the moment.

Watching children grow up makes you realise how short-lived and precious time really is, and as we age, many of us live less and less in the present.

9. I wish I had worked less.

There’s always a desire to have loosened up a bit more with this one and the realisation that financial success or career accomplishment doesn’t necessarily equal a fulfilled life.

10. I wish I had traveled more.

It can be done at any age, with kids or not but many talk themselves out of it for all kinds of reasons such as lack of money, mortgage, children, etc. When there’s a regret, you know it could have been possible at some stage.

11. I wish I had trusted my gut rather than listening to everyone else.

Making your own decisions and feeling confident in the decisions you make gives us fulfilment and joy from life. Going against your gut only breeds resentment and bitterness.

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12. I wish I’d taken better care of myself.

Premature health problems or ageing always makes you wonder if you’d eaten healthier, exercised more and been less stressed, would you be where you are today?

13. I wish I’d taken more risks.

Everyone has their own idea of what’s risky, but you know when you’re living too much in your comfort zone. In hindsight, some people feel they missed out on a lot of adventure life has to offer.

14. I wish I’d had more time.

Many people say time speeds up as we age. The six weeks of summer holidays we had as kids certainly seemed to last a lifetime. If time speeds up, then it’s even more important to make the most of every moment.

15. I wish I hadn’t worried so much.

If you’ve ever kept a diary and looked back, you’ll probably wonder why you ever got so worked up over X.

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16. I wish I’d appreciated ___ more.

The consequences of taking people for granted are always hard to deal with.

17. I wish I’d spent more time with my family.

Some people get caught up with work, move to other parts of the world, grow old with grudges against family members only to realise their priorities were in the wrong place.

18. I wish I hadn’t taken myself so seriously.

Life is just more fun when you can laugh at yourself.

19. I wish I’d done more for other people.

Doing things for others just makes life more meaningful.

20. I wish I could have felt happier.

The realisation that happiness is a state of mind that you can control sometimes doesn’t occur to people until it’s too late.

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