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5 Harsh Lessons Every Nice Guy Should Learn

5 Harsh Lessons Every Nice Guy Should Learn

You’ve heard the old saying, “Nice guys finish last.” Well, it’s only partly true.

Numerous studies confirm that women find shy, nice guys unattractive. I often hear women say, “All I want is a nice guy who treats me well and listens to me.” If this is true, why do these types of guys get left behind?

I was the “nice guy” and thought if I just agreed with everything women said, nodded my head, and only asked questions to learn more about them, I would eventually attract the ladies. After all, I wasn’t like those cocky, loud guys who seemed to attract a ton of women. And, a lot of women I knew said they didn’t like those types of guys and just wanted a nice boy to take home to their parents.

I thought I figured out the secret to meeting more women. I thought, wow, I don’t have to sound dumb or lame, freeze up, and I can just ask questions so they keep talking! After all, I thought, women love to chat!

Needless to say, this strategy doesn’t work. It wasn’t working for me so I spent years figuring out what really makes people tick. There has to be something more to it, even though women claim they are looking for a nice guy.

There are five themes in becoming more attractive, compelling, and confident.

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1. It’s not just about asking questions.

I used to avoid talking as much as I could. Sometimes I didn’t know to say. Other times I was so nervous that I would freeze up and nothing would come out. To avoid this, I would just ask more questions!

I’m not saying it’s not important to ask questions–especially good questions–but, that is only half the story. Frankly, it’s quite strange for someone to berate with you questions without saying anything in return.

It can come across as nagging or intrusive when someone consistently asks questions. They can feel just as awkward as you do. They start asking themselves, “Why does this person want to know so much about me?” or “Why don’t they have anything to say?”

You don’t want to be a creeper.

2. You have to show them you are interesting.

The fact is, women aren’t going to find you attractive, interesting, or confident unless you show them you are these things. Women aren’t “convinced” of this because you believe you are, or if you just be yourself, you’ll magically attract the right woman.

It’s not enough to naturally attract someone by thinking your way to love. It’s not enough to be nice and curious about them. You have to feel confident, interesting, attractive and show people that you are. Moreover, you can’t just ask your way to become more interesting, you have to show them how you personally relate to what they have to say.

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3. It takes a lot of practice.

It’s easy to say “just ask good questions” or “show them you are attractive” and then be done with it. However, it takes practice to learn how to be a good conversationalist. Even more, you have to look beyond the tips, strategies, and methods and find out what’s really holding you back.

Often, we believe that if only we could say the “right” thing, then we would be interesting. It takes time to improve. It takes time to learn why you feel shy and can’t talk to someone.

It’s not something that you read about once, practice it, try out that night, and then fall in love!

Not only does it take practice, it takes a deep understanding of what mental barriers are holding you back from being more attractive.

4. You have to learn how to make conversation, with anyone.

Imagine you’ve found someone you really like and she introduces you to her parents. You continue only asking questions and are shy around her parents. Do you think they are going to see you as a good fit for their daughter? I hear things like, “He seems like a nice boy but doesn’t really have much to say. I don’t really know much about him. Maybe over time, he’ll open up.”

Imagine meeting her brother, her friends, or her co-workers for the first time. The truth is, you’re going to have to show more people how confident you are. It’s not just a one-time event.

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I don’t recommend learning quick tricks or pick-up lines. Pic-up artists are missing something critical when it comes to meeting more women.

Firstly, it’s disingenuous to act like somebody you’re not. I will never be that cocky, smooth, extroverted guy who the ladies love. It’s just not going to happen. Second, there’s more to the story than focusing on what to say when approaching a woman.

It’s not just about feeling confident around a woman–it’s about being confident around anybody.

5. The right people are interested in you

The types of guys who seem to have all the ladies flocking towards them are not who we are. And, do we really want to be? I would much rather meet quality women who value my personality and want to get to know me, than a large quantity of women who I probably won’t get along with anyway.

The right woman will be attracted to you. The right people will be interested in you. The right people will not only see your best qualities, but they will want to know more about you. The truth is not everyone is going to be interested in you and I find this to be a huge relief. We’re not trying to impress everyone. We’re simply showing the right people our best qualities.

Now, you may be thinking, is he still a nice guy? Well, I never stopped being a nice guy (my mom and wife would kill me if I did). However, I learned that I could be both nice and confident.

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The combination of confidence, kindness, coupled with an astute conversational ability can make anyone become more attractive.

You don’t have to brag about yourself. You don’t have to be loud. You don’t have to be arrogant. You don’t have to be someone you’re not.

You can be yourself.

Even better, you can learn to be a confident guy who shows the right people just how awesome you are.

Featured photo credit: Man, One of The Happy/Bigter Choi via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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