Advertising
Advertising

20 Things to Tell Yourself When You Are Facing Adversities

20 Things to Tell Yourself When You Are Facing Adversities

Sometimes, things are hard. Whether the challenges are small or big, looming or present, or some stressful combination of all, adversities tend to pile up until we feel overwhelmed.

Get a handle on yourself and your circumstances with these twenty reminders:

1. Accept it.

Things happen, and sometimes they are really, really bad things. Sometimes you will eventually learn “why;” sometimes, you won’t. The faster you can accept that whatever has or is happening, has or is occurring, the faster you can channel your resources toward healing and finding a solution.

2. Know that how you react is what matters.

A quick internet search will turn up dozens of motivational quotations about how it’s the reaction that matters, not the incident. These quotes are correct, and not only because they were written by gurus. You can’t control how other people act, or the current situation, even if you did have control over the process that led you to this point. You can always control how you react. If you have not thought of it in these terms before, there’s good news: it’s never too late to start.

3. Allow these challenges to make you better.

No matter what lies before you, your current challenges present an opportunity to make you better. You have a chance to learn to react with positivity, grace, and creativity; to go through a process that will expand your mind, body, and spirit; and to develop lasting solutions from this new, stronger place that uphold the new, stronger you. Take this opportunity. Take all of these opportunities.

Advertising

4. Take a breath.

No matter what the circumstance, you have time to take a deep breath, pause, and think calmly about what your next move will be. Even and especially in an emergency, you will be more effective and efficient if you proceed deliberately. In the process of discovering how and why you got to where you currently are, you will likely ask yourself some “big” questions. Schedule and take time to explore and reflect during the healing process. If you neglect this stillness, not only will your solutions be half-baked, but you are more likely to repeat your mistakes.

5. Throw away the clock.

We live in a “quick fix” culture. We expect our problems to be solved overnight. Realize that even if your problems were created seemingly instantly, they may take some time to correct and fix. As you develop plans, be realistic about how long execution and implementation will take, and candidly asses how much change you can make in a given period of time. Are you thousands of dollars in debt? You likely won’t fix that in a month. Faced with a significant health condition? If it took your body years to manifest illness, it will take some time to right the course. Refer to #4, take another deep breath, and give the recovery process time.

6. Nourish yourself.

If you are confronting a challenge that is long-term, or will take time to resolve, it is important to nourish yourself during the recovery process. Eat well, rest, drink water, take breaks to get outside and pursue relaxing activities. Recovery is a journey, and you won’t be fit to trek the entire way unless you take care of yourself. You are your most powerful recovery resource – treat yourself accordingly.

7. Try something new.

You may, or may not, have the coping skills to deal with your current situation. Be proactive in exploring new options. Never tried meditation before? Plop yourself down. Always sneered at yoga? Pull up a mat. Always eat lunch at your desk? Clear 15 minutes to take a walk and get outside. You never know what will help you, until you try it.

8. Draw courage from others.

Spend some time talking to folks you know, seeking out support groups, or spending time online to connect with others in your current circumstance. There is someone out there who has been through what you are currently facing and has come out of it better than alright. Might some of their methods work for you? If not, at the very least their example will serve as a source of inspiration as you face your challenge.

Advertising

9. Surround yourself with positive people.

Like attracts like, and there is no substitute for surrounding yourself with positive people to buoy your own spirits. They’ve faced their own challenges, too, and they’re just fine. Even if they don’t have solutions, positive people have spirit, and sometimes, that’s just as good.

10. Praise what is going well.

Something in your life is going well. Do you have a beautiful child? Were you able to put food on the table today? Did you see anything that made you smile? Did you make some progress towards your healing goal? Uphold and celebrate every positive thing you can identify in your life, including the progress you make as you overcome your current challenges.  There is always something to be grateful for. If you’re alive, there’s energy and space for improvement and change; if you can’t cling to anything else, start with that.

11. Wrangle your emotions.

When the going is tough, you do not have time for grief, sorrow, depression, or wallowing, especially if you are responsible for children, animals, or other souls. Sometimes emotions must be pushed to the side while we buckle down and do what needs to be done. Be tough. Get the job done, and process once you are on safe footing again.

12. Fake it ’til you make it.

Having a hard time figuring out how to act positive when hard things are happening? Go to your mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Smile. It doesn’t matter if it’s a little bit of a grimace – do it. Then paste that look on your face and go about your day. At some point, you won’t be faking it quite as much, and that is called “progress.”

13. Acknowledge that you are responsible for your circumstances.

Time spent blaming others is wasted. You are responsible for your life and the way you live – the good, the bad, the joyful, the challenging. Finding and implementing lasting solutions is up to you, as well. Own it. When you own it, you can control it. When you control it, you can change it.

Advertising

14. Invest in yourself.

Developing tools for healing and change will likely require an investment in yourself. This investment could be financial, in the form of encouraging and uplifting books, audio tapes, or relaxation tools, or it could be measured in time, such as going to the library to check out a self-help book, then actually reading it. Most likely, the investment is a combination of both, but it’s worth making. Not only will you uncover new tools for success, but your confidence will rise as your psyche responds to the very tangible message that you are worth it.

15. Be gentle.

No matter what happened, no matter how much you believe you should have seen it coming – you didn’t. You did, or did not, do the things that created your present circumstance. Put down the whip of self-flagellation, and commit yourself to making progress and moving forward. If you need help with the concept of self-forgiveness, seek out friends, mentors or counselors, a psychiatrist, or the self-help section of your local library. Forgiveness of oneself is a big undertaking, but a vital one to complete before you can move forward.

16. Recognize patterns.

Are your challenges usually financial in nature? Health-based? Related to a particular emotion that crops up again and again? Spend some time in the self-help section of the library, with a journal, talking to a mentor, or whatever it takes to get some honest self-reflection accomplished. What part of your challenges can you control and head off before they grow? If you’re always late, for instance, and this is hurting you professionally, what processes can you put in place in your home to help you get out the door? Do you need to lay out your clothes ahead of time, or do you need to move so your commute is shorter and more predictable? There is an emotional component to the way we behave, the way we live, and the standards we uphold (or don’t). Are you dissatisfied at work and dread going to the office each day, subconsciously sabotaging yourself? Be honest during this process, and take as much time as you need to reach clear answers.

17. Ask for, and accept, help.

Everyone has had tough days, weeks, months, even years, and chances are there are people in your life who can identify to at least some degree with what you are facing now. Ask for help when you need it. Accept help when it is offered. You can and will pull through, but the bigger the challenge, the easier it is with a village.

18. Hang in there.

Healing, change, and recovery can take time. Stay at the path, and keep moving forward. While some days will still feel tough, you are moving forward. You are making progress. Eventually, that hurdle that seemed so huge will be in your rear view mirror.

Advertising

19. Keep looking forward.

Do you ever want to face this challenge, or set of challenges, again? No? Then cut it out! Kick the habits, lose the people, ditch the things that got you here. Rebuild a healthy life that works for you. Take what you’ve learned, and move on and upward.  Don’t look back.

20. Help others.

The “pay it forward” initiative is an increasingly popular one these days, and for good reason – it feels good to help others. Pay your wisdom, experience, and strength forward by helping others confronting similar challenges to those you have now overcome. Whether through a formal program or simply by encouraging the next person you meet who seems a bit sad, you will make a difference. Sometimes, that makes all of those challenges worth it.

Need more advice? Check out these thoughts on How to Endure and Overcome the Worst of Life’s Hardships.

Featured photo credit: so lovely may via flickr.com

More by this author

20 Art Therapy Activities You Can Try At Home To Destress 11 Things Highly Charismatic People Do Differently 20 Things to Tell Yourself When You Are Facing Adversities 30 Life Lessons From Chinese Billionaire Jack Ma These 8 Tips Will Help You a Lot When Meeting Your Partner’s Parents for the First Time

Trending in Communication

1 How to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage and Rekindle the Passion 2 Why You Feel Lonely In Your Marriage And How To Deal With It 3 6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of 4 How To Spark A Positive Mood When Feeling Dull 5 5 Reasons You Will Never Be a Fighter

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

Advertising

2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

Advertising

  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

Advertising

This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

Advertising

6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

Read Next