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15 Things To Remember When You Love A Person With an Eating Disorder

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15 Things To Remember When You Love A Person With an Eating Disorder

I met my friend, “Maria,” (not her real name) in high school.  She was beautiful, sweet, and I enjoyed spending time with her.  One time the I didn’t see Maria, however, was at lunch time.  She was very thin, and I always suspected that food was an issue for her.

My suspicions were confirmed when Maria disappeared for three months, to enter an inpatient program at the hospital.  She was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and felt very awkward about returning to school once she was discharged.

When she came back, she was still the same Maria that I had enjoyed spending time with.  But there were some things that we both had to learn.  I learned–through trial and error–how to be a good friend to someone with an eating disorder, and how to help Maria through her recovery.

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be challenging, but it can make a huge difference in your loved one’s recovery.  Here are some things to remember if you love a person with an eating disorder:

1.  They may not be underweight.

According to this article in the Natural News, clinicians are beginning to notice a new eating disorder, called orthorexia, which is an obsession with eating the “right” foods.  People with orthorexia do not necessarily eat less, so they may be a healthy weight or even overweight.  So be understanding if a loved one has been diagnosed with an eating disorder, and do not assume that they are not telling the truth about their diagnosis, just because they are not underweight.

Maria said that the worst thing for her was when people would tell her that there was no way she had anorexia, because she was not that thin.  This was when she was in recovery.  She was gaining the weight back, but she still had a number of issues to work through.  The weight comes back first, but there is still a lot for the person to work through once they have started gaining weight.

2.  They tend to avoid gatherings that center around food.

According to this article in NY Mag, people with eating disorders tend to show up to parties after the meal has been served, claiming that they have already eaten.  They may also suggest outings that do not involve food.  This is because eating is stressful for them, even if they are in recovery.  You can help by suggesting activities that do not involve food.  People with eating disorders tend to isolate themselves, and providing an opportunity to socialize without the focus being on food can be quite helpful.

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Maria avoided lunch for most of the time I knew her.  Even when she was in recovery, she preferred to eat in a teacher’s classroom.  I was respectful of this, and found a lot of fun, food-free activities for us to do after school.

3.  They may be very sensitive to comments about their appearance.

The National Association of Anorexia and Associated Disorders (ANAD) states that even well-intended compliments, such as, “You look really healthy now,” may be misinterpreted as meaning “you look fat.”  People with eating disorders are very self-conscious about their physical appearance, and many times when someone looks recovered, they still have a lot of recovery work to do.

Maria found it very triggering when people told her she didn’t “look” anorexic.  She said that she often felt competitive with other people who had eating disorders, trying to be the “best” anorexic.  These comments triggered those patterns of thinking and weren’t helpful to Maria in her recovery.

4.  They don’t need you to be a therapist.

ANAD cautions friends of people with eating disorders not to try and be that person’s therapist.  If your loved one has been diagnosed, they are likely working with a team of professionals to help them recover.  Your job is to be a caring friend.  Be supportive, but understand that your role is not to “solve” their problems.

This was something I learned through trial and error with Maria.  It wasn’t my job to make sure she ate enough.  We had an argument once, because I was asking her how much she was eating.  My job was to be her friend, as I had always been.

5.  They want you to know it’s about more than just food.

According to ANAD, eating disorders are about much more than just food, so telling your loved one to “just eat” is not going to solve the underlying issues.  There are many complex issues involved in eating disorders, and recovery can be a time-consuming process.  Be there for your friend, and be supportive and understanding.  Ask your friend how their day is going, and how they are feeling.  Don’t keep the conversation limited to food and eating.

This is why being Maria’s friend was so helpful.  While our interactions were not centered on food, Maria did confide in me about a lot of her fears and doubts.  Being able to have someone with a sympathetic ear there to listen to her helped her tremendously.

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6.  They may feel ashamed of their condition.

An article by Caltech states that people with eating disorders are often ashamed.  This can lead them to be very defensive about their eating and find conversations about food consumption to be very upsetting.  Understand this, and understand that they are working with professional to help them with their diet.  The role they need you to play is that of a supportive friend.

Coming home from the hospital was very awkward for Maria.  She was embarrassed that she had lacked to “willpower” to keep her condition under control. She was worried that seeking professional help meant she was “weak.”  Of course none of these were true.  Eating disorders are not about willpower, and it takes a great deal of strength and courage to seek help professionally.

7.  They will experience good days and bad days.

According to an article by NHS, recovery is a long and bumpy process.  Part of your loved one wants to get better, while another part is afraid to let go of the old habits.  Understand that not every day will be easy, and does not mean that your friend is not getting better or that they are backsliding.  Be there for them through the ups and downs.

This was something that surprised me with Maria.  Some days, she would seem very confident and even eat lunch with me.  Then the next day, she would be absent from school because she felt so challenged.  Recovery is a roller coaster, and being there for her and the good and bad days was very important.

8.  They may at times come across as angry or aggressive.

NHS states that this is because people with eating disorders are often fearful and insecure.  Learning to cope with and redefine these fears is a part of recovery, so be patient with your loved one.  Understand that it is not about you, and take care not to take it personally.

Maria would sometimes become angry and lash out at me for no reason at all.  Learning not to take this personally was an important lesson, and it helped me to be there for her when she calmed down and felt embarrassed about her outburst.

9.  They still want to be included.

According to the Butterfly Foundation, people with eating disorders may feel isolated and alone.  Even if they try to isolate themselves, continue to invite them to participate in the activities that they used to enjoy with you.  This can help them a great deal in their recovery.  Invite them, but don’t push it if they say “no.”  Just keep inviting.

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Anytime I went out with friends on the weekend, I invited Maria.  Sometimes she came, and sometimes she did not.  But later on she said that always being a part of the group and always having a place where she belonged was very helpful.

10.  They need you to set boundaries for yourself.

The Butterfly Foundation states that it is necessary for you to set the boundaries, as far as being supportive of your friend.  It is not possible for you to be on call 24/7, but when someone is lonely and struggling, it can be hard–if not impossible–for them to realize this.  It is not only perfectly fine for you to set boundaries for when and how long you are available, it is also helpful to your friend in the long run.  By taking care of yourself, you will be more able to be patient and understanding of your loved one.

11.  They likely learned their habits as children.

According to Eating Disorders Online, children are especially at risk.  One study conducted by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality found that hospitalizations for eating disorders in children under 12 increased 119 percent between 1999 and 2006.

My friend Maria went on her first diet at age 10, and had her first hospitalization at age 16. She said a lot of her misunderstandings were learned in childhood.

12.  They want you to know that men can have eating disorders as well.

According to Eating Disorders Online, 20% of women and 10% of men will have an eating disorder in their lifetime.  That means 1/3 of eating disorder sufferers are male.

Maria did meat a surprising number of men while in treatment, and she said they encountered a great deal of misunderstanding, because they were not skinny women.

13.  They want you you to know that eating disorders kill.

Eating Disorders Online states that one in five people diagnosed with anorexia will die from the disorder.  People with anorexia are 50% more likely to die by suicide than people without the condition.

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Maria said that she did think of suicide, but she sought help right away.  This is not always the case though.  If your loved one seems depressed or talks about ending their own life, seek professional help immediately.

14.  They want you to know that there is not a lot of funding for treatment.

According to Eating Disorders Online, the government allocates 93 cents in research funding per eating disorder patient, while the average autistic person is designated $88.  So while it is getting more expensive to hospitalize an eating disorder patient, the money to pay for it is not there.

The important thing to remember from this is that your loved one might not be fully recovered when they are released from treatment.  There is a great deal of red tape, and they will need your support as they work their way through it.

15.  They want you to know that most people don’t get treatment.

Eating Disorders Online states that only one in ten people with eating disorders get treatment, due to insurance issues.  This is because eating disorders are hard to diagnose but also because healthcare laws largely consider eating disorder coverage to be non-essential.

Maria was lucky in this respect, but she knows that things would not have gone so well for her, had her family not had adequate insurance coverage.

Maria is now a healthy woman in her 30’s, happily married and the mother of two beautiful children.  She emphasizes that recovery is possible and that most people with eating disorders do eventually get better.

Eating disorders are challenging and often misunderstood.  By better understanding your loved one’s struggles and challenges, you will be a much-appreciated source of support for them in their recovery!

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Featured photo credit: BFF/Flickr Creative Commons via flickr.com

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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