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15 Things to Know Before You Date a Person Who Enjoys Being Alone

15 Things to Know Before You Date a Person Who Enjoys Being Alone

Dating can be incredibly intimidating. There are a plethora of rules that self-declared love experts have set in place. What not to say on the first date; how long to wait before following up; would it really be a bad idea to mention that restraining order? These can be tricky waters to navigate even if you don’t have a Ph.D. in dating. It can be increasingly so if you are dating someone who enjoys being alone, the classic introvert archetype. Being an introvert myself I can attest that us quiet peeps typically have a higher sensitivity level than others. While we don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, these 15 tips will help you to get the most out of your dating experience and to understand our psyche a little clearer.

1. They are more likely to choose solitude over socializing.

It is important to know that in dating someone who values her alone time, it is highly unlikely that Friday nights are going to be spent consuming cocktails with work buddies at happy hour. Some people might blow off steam at the end of the week by chatting it up over a beverage or two, but for those that don’t crave that kind of social interaction, solitude provides an equally fulfilling sense of stress relief. Introverts don’t want to be completely alone, but they need people differently.

2. They do enjoy company too.

Here is the misconception about people who like their own company: they do actually enjoy being a social butterfly, just in small doses. Much like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight, these butterflies need to turn back into a caterpillar after an evening of social activity and have some quiet time to themselves.

3. They can come across as stand-offish.

Loners by nature lean to the side of introversion, meaning that they are typically harder to get to know initially. Much to their frustration, this can be interpreted by others as snobbery or a sense of being better than others. It’s not; it’s just a byproduct of being an introvert.

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4. They will open up as you get to know them.

It’s worthwhile to think of loners as a slow burn rather than a fast-acting fuse. While they might not regale you with interesting anecdotes about their lives upon first meeting, give it time and they will open up. Once they feel comfortable with you, those barriers come down fast and their true personality shines forth.

5. They will not be the life of the party.

If your potential mate has to leave a trail of dropped jaws behind him as he enters a room, dating a person who likes his own company might not be the best fit. You might not notice these people as they arrive at a party, but if you give them time and attention, your conversation might be the one that you remember long after the party is over.

6. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like to party

While they might not be the ones initiating a group dance-off, they will certainly participate if they feel comfortable. If your date is feeling secure with himself in the situation you might be surprised as his inner James Brown awakens and he “gets up offa that thing” and embraces his inner dance machine on the dance floor.

7. They can be highly sensitive.

By their very nature, people who enjoy their own company are typically deep thinkers. When they feel something, they tend to feel it with their mind, body and soul. So don’t be offended if they feel slighted at something you say. Sometimes even the most innocuous comment can send them spiraling back into themselves and it’s just harder to for them to brush it off their shoulders. They need time to process, so it is important to give them some breathing room.

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8. But this can make them thoughtful partners.

Yes, you might have to think before you speak when dating someone on the sensitive side but it’s important to know that sensitive people are also typically highly attuned to the feelings of others. As a result they are less likely to trample all over you in conversation and more likely to actually listen to what you have to say.

9. They don’t do well with criticism.

Being so in tune with their feelings, criticism can often be a highly inflammatory source of tension. As a result, it’s important to know that these quieter types might employ certain tactics to avoid any criticism at all, which can manifest in the form of people-pleasing, being self-critical, or just avoiding the source of the criticism altogether.

10. But they do well with emotions.

Dating someone who needs her alone time means dating someone who is not afraid to get to know herself on a deeper emotional level. A byproduct of this is a sense of empathy which typically manifests itself in showing concern for you and any problems you might be experiencing. They are not afraid to sit down and go deep with you, figuring out the root cause of the issue. They are emotionally available, if not always physically available.

11. They rarely get a case of the FOMOs.

In a world where social media dominates, the level of exposure to each other’s social diaries is at an all-time high. This leads some to develop a real fear of missing out (FOMO) on any of the action. Not so for those that enjoy their own company. For the most part, they couldn’t care less if they have an open weekend ahead with no plans.

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12. They march to the beat of their own drum.

They don’t need to be seen at every party because their sense of identity isn’t attributed to how socially active they are. They enjoy dipping in and out of the social scene as and when it benefits them, followed by time to decompress. While dating a person who likes his own company means that you may not be out and about every night, those events you do attend together will feel more special.

13. They are self-sufficient.

It may feel sometimes that your date doesn’t seem to want or need you around them every second of their lives. They need their space in a relationship and at times it might not seem like they even need you in their lives. But don’t misinterpret their behavior–having their own space is of huge importance to them and as a result they are usually highly protective of it.

14. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have room in their lives for you.

The good news is that there is plenty of breathing room for both of you in these types of relationships. There will be no Jerry Maguire declarations of how you complete them though; they simply aren’t interested in anyone completing them. They are interested in finding out who you are, what makes you tick and they will give you plenty of room to shine.

15. They are full of contradictions, but that makes dating them especially unique.

Sometimes it may seem that you are dating someone with a split personality. They enjoy being with you but also enjoy being with themselves. They enjoy being social but only on occasion. But in dating a human oxymoron, life can remain interesting and it is less likely you will feel that you are stuck in a dating rut.

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While it is important to be mindful of the behaviors you might encounter with dating someone who enjoys being alone, the most important lesson of all is to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be. In learning acceptance instead of expectance, there will be far fewer dating disappointments.

Featured photo credit: Portrait 37/garmend via deviantart.com

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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