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14 Things to Remember If You Love an Anxious Person

14 Things to Remember If You Love an Anxious Person

Relationships can be hard to maintain, but if the person you love suffers from anxiety, that can open a whole other world of challenges.

A 2014 YouGov survey carried out in the U.K during mental health awareness week found that almost 1 in 5 people felt anxious all of the time, or a lot of the time. Additionally, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S, affecting 40 million adults over 18.

Think about that. Forty million anxious people. If one person cares about each one of them, that means at least another 40 million people are in turn affected by that anxiety. You could probably double, trible or quadruple that number of course. Clearly anxiety is not a trivial condition.

If you are the person who loves or cares about an anxious person, you will know how important it is to listen and encourage them to get help to cope with their anxiety. At times though that might not be enough for you to be able to cope. Remembering these 14 things can help during the tough times.

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1. They are not their anxiety.

Think of anxiety like a really bad head cold. It makes the sufferer unwell enough to not be firing on all cylinders, yet not quite ill enough to be able to stop their lives and seek medical attention. That’s a difficult condition to be in, and for you to deal with. One moment they seem fine and able to cope with the rigors of daily life, and then suddenly the ‘head cold’ has kicked in and everything is bleak. This can be exhausting, leaving you unsure what you can trust or rely on. That uncertainty can bleed into how you view and treat your loved one. Because they don’t seem so very ill, it’s hard to separate the illness from the personality. Remember the anxiety is not who they are as a person (anymore than a mucus-filled head and sandpaper throat is a picture of good physical health). So if they have an “episode” and you’re finding it hard to cope, imagine they are sneezing or blowing their nose vigorously. All you are seeing are the symptoms–not the person.

2. Their anxiety is not you.

People have a sponge-like quality. We gradually absorb things from those we spend time with. Just think how quickly kids pick up mannerisms from watching T.V.

If you spend a lot of time with an anxious person this fact can be good and not-so-good. The danger is that soaking up so much of their anxious behavior can affect how you feel. You might not notice it at first, but at some point you may begin to feel a small hairball of anxiety in your own throat and wonder where it came from. Don’t despair. This can be remedied by building your own mental blockade and reminding yourself of your core values. It can even help to tell yourself–out loud–that you are not an anxious person and that you won’t become one. This kind of self-affirmation can help to protect your mind and develop an immunity to infectious anxiety. See point six for more on this.

3. They may feel trapped in a maze.

Raising and discussing an anxious concern with you once or twice might not seem unreasonable, but if your loved one constantly wants to talk over the same kinds of worries, it can appear as though they are going mad. Often this happens because the sufferer feels as though they are trying to navigate a route out of a dangerous maze and they will not rest until every path has been explored. This is how a whole weekend can end up being consumed on a single topic. Keep in mind that they are trying to get out and don’t enjoy the repetition any more than you. If you both feel like you are working as a team you will resolve things far quicker.

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4. Anxious people are often very nice people.

There is no doubt this is one of the many reasons you love the anxious person in your life. Many anxious people are ruled by a constant dread of hurting others. Being around them may help make you more sensitive to others or delicate situations. Even when they have a bad day, it’s important to remember all their unique qualities (e.g. kindness, quirkiness, good organization, thoughtfulness, cleanliness). Remember that the reason you are helping them manage their anxiety is because they don’t want something bad to happen to those they care about. It still might drive you crazy but checking the root source will help you see it comes from a very good place.

5. Don’t give in to frustration.

Sometimes anxiety can seem to define your relationship, to the point where your own feelings and routines are transgressed. Even though you might be doing all you think you can, it can still feel like you are being controlled. This feeling of being overwritten by the other person can make them seem selfish. This may well be a veneer, with the opposite holding true beneath their surface. It is a frustrating feeling and understandably that frustration might boil over in some (usually unpleasant) way. This venting of frustration will more than likely cause your loved one’s anxiety to increase, thus kicking off a vicious cycle that doesn’t need any more help self perpetuating. You shouldn’t be expected to keep a lid on your feelings either, so it is important to establish clear and fair boundaries.

6. To establish boundaries remember your ABCs.

A – Ask yourself what anxious behaviors or manifestations you can reasonably cope with and which you absolutely can’t.
B – Bring your loved one into a peaceful safe place where you are able to chat. Explain how you feel and then draw your lines in the sand. You are not trying to control them or their anxiety. You are simply stating a few areas where you are unwilling to be told what to do. That is your right and, when done in a calm setting, most anxious people will respond well as it gives their anxiety some boundaries to work within.
C – Choose the moment for this process wisely. Doing it when anxiety is raging, or during an argument, will not produce the same effect. (Surprisingly!)

7. Try not to interpret their anxiousness as a personal accusation.

Your loved one may be carrying around hundreds of worries in their head. Inevitably some (perhaps most) will find voice. Many are about typical things that everyone worries about–paying the mortgage, managing debts, health concerns, appointments, family worries, even worries about their relationship with you. When they verbalize these concerns, you may feel like you are suddenly under attack.  You might hear, “You aren’t making enough money,” “You aren’t handling things well,” “You are irresponsible,” or some other unspeakable crime. Naturally the response when feeling attacked is to go on the defensive. There’s that super vicious cycle again. Very often, leveling accusations and apportioning blame is not the intent, so try to hear what’s really being said, and how it is being said.

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8. Express how you feel truthfully.

If confrontation is not how you handle feeling judged, another trap to avoid is retreating within and closing up, welling resentment up inside you. Those feelings can create a cold, detached distance between you, which can be more damaging for a relationship than the initial anxiety was. Don’t be afraid to say how these thoughts are affecting you. It can be hard, but the chances are your loved one really don’t realize how their words are making you feel. Be truthful. Always. Saying you are fine when you are not will only damage you both.

9. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Though they may be fragile at times, your loved one isn’t an idiot. Often the things they say will be valid observations or genuine concerns. The challenge is not making them feel that you don’t value what they say. They already know that they have a little of the “boy who cried wolf” in them. So when they say something of real concern and you disregard it (like you’ve had to with countless trivial concerns) they may feel crushed. It’s a tricky one, but try to look at their demeanor when they’re speaking–how do they seem? If another non-anxious person raised this with you, would you take them seriously? Are you not listening because you think it’s just anxiety or because you don’t like what you’re hearing? However you answer those questions, remember that open, honest,  calm communication is just what the doctor ordered.

10. If they are open to it, try to help them understand their own anxiety.

“Anxiety is the giant lid we use over the pot of emotions,” explains Fiona Watson, Mickel therapist. “When our anxiety gets worse it can often mean there are more unresolved emotions in our pot.”

It is not your job to be anyone’s therapist but if the moment presents itself some well thought out questions may help them. “When did this feeling start?” “Who/What/Where makes it heighten?” Someone taking an interest in the way their mind is working might just start them on the road to understanding the root of their problem.

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11. It’s not your job to fix them.

It’s not even possible for you to fix them! You can ask questions, be kind, love and support them, but ultimately this is a private battle they have with themselves. You are a cheerleader on the pitch. You cannot participate but you can certainly motivate. Their burdens are not yours to carry but be the best cheerleader you can be (they will adore you for it).

12. Deep breathing never fails.

If it’s all getting on top of you, remember to take some deep, long breaths (and encourage them to do the same). “Breathing in for 7 and out for 11 allows your nervous system to calm down,” says Laura McDonald, reflexologist. “If someone you love is really anxious, the best thing you can be in that moment is calm. Sensing your calmness will help them begin to relax.” So chill.

13. Try to have as much fun as possible.

It can feel like anxiety sucks all the life out of living. It can sometimes make spontaneity, travel, socializing, eating out, and other adventures very difficult and colorless. It is important that you not give in to those difficulties. You may have to adapt your plans and think outside the box, but the greatest gift you can give to the anxious person you love is to help them fight that blood-sucking anxiety. By giving them fun, happy memories to pepper the anxiety filled ones they naturally have, you can help them have more to aim for–more to hope for.

14. Your relationship can become ironclad.

If they do decide to get help fighting their anxiety, you will be a big part of their journey and that can only bring you closer.  Remember: a little anxiety can be beneficial, as it motivates us to make wise choices in life. Work together with those you love and those who love you to find the right balance.

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Last Updated on August 7, 2018

10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

Failure occurs everyday, in school, jobs, housework, and within families. It is unavoidable, irritating and causes pessimism.

While the thought of flinging your hands in the air and walking away is all too appealing, take a second to connect with the people who have been there and survived.

Here are 10 famous failures to success stories around the world that will inspire you to keep going and achieve greatness:

1. J.K. Rowling

J.K.-Rowling

    During a Harvard commencement speech, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling outlined the importance and value of failure.[1]

    Why? Simply because she was once a failure too.

    A few short years after her graduation from college, her worst nightmares were realized. In her words,

    “I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.”

    Coming out of this failure stronger and more determined was the key to her success.

    2. Steve Jobs

    steve-jobs-31

      The now revolutionary Apple started off with two men in a garage. Years later we all know it as a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees.

      Yet, almost unbelievably, Steve Jobs was fired from the very company he began.

      The dismissal made him realize that his passion for his work exceeded the disappointment of failure. Further ventures such as NeXT and Pixar eventually led Jobs back to the CEO position at AppleJobs said in 2005:

      “I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”

      Lost your job today? Keep kicking and you could be just like this guy!

      3. Bill Gates
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        Bill Gates was a Harvard dropout. He co-owned a business called Traf-O-Data, which was a true failure.[2]

        However, skill and a passion for computer programming turned this failure into the pioneer of famous software company Microsoft, and the then 31-year-old into the world’s youngest self-made billionaire.

        In his own words:

        “It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.”

        This isn’t to say that dropping out of Harvard will make you into a billionaire, but maybe that shiny degree isn’t worth as much as the drive and passion to succeed.

        4. Albert Einstein
        0

          The word ‘Einstein’ is associated with intelligence and synonymous with genius. Yet it is a famous fact that the pioneer of the theory of general relativity, Albert Einstein himself, could not speak fluently until the age of nine. His rebellious nature led to expulsion from school, and he was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School.

          His earlier setbacks did not stop him from winning the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1921. After all, he believed that:

          “Success is failure in progress.”

          To this day, his research has influenced various aspects of life including culture, religion, art, and even late night TV.

          Just because you haven’t achieved anything great yet, doesn’t mean you can’t be an Einstein yourself.

          5. Abraham Lincoln

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            Failing in business in 1831, suffering a nervous breakdown in 1836, defeated in his run for president in 1856, Abraham Lincoln was no stranger to rejection and failure. Rather than taking these signs as a motivation for surrender, he refused to stop trying his best.

            In this great man’s words:

            “My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.”

            Lincoln was elected in 1861 as the 16th President of the United States of America.

            The amount of rejection you receive is not a defining factor. Success is still within your reach.

            6. Michael Jordan

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              “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

              This quote by retired basketball legend Michael Jordan in a Nike advertisement speaks for itself.

              It would be an easy misconception that Jordan’s basketball skills revolve around natural talent. In fact, in his earlier years,  basketball coaches had trouble looking past the fact that Jordan didn’t reach the minimum height. It was years of effort, practice, and failure that made the star we know today.

              7. Steven Spielberg

              217307-steven-spielberg

                Regarded as one of the most influential filmmakers of all time, Steven Spielberg is a familiar household name. It is surprising to realize therefore that the genius behind Jaws and E.T. had poor grades in high school, getting him rejected from the University of Southern California three times.

                While he was in college, he caught the eye of executives at Universal, who signed him as a television director in 1969. This meant that he would not finish his college degree for another 33 years.

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                Perseverance and acceptance of failure is the key to success, after all.

                “Even though I get older, what I do never gets old, and that’s what I think keeps me hungry.”

                Bad grades in high school aside, there is no questioning the genius involved.

                To date, Spielberg has directed 51 films and has been awarded three Oscars.

                8. Walt Disney

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                  Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney dropped out of school at a young age in a failed attempt at joining the army.[3] One of his earlier ventures, Laugh-o-Gram Studios, went bankrupt due to his lack of ability to run a successful business. He was once fired from a Missouri newspaper for “not being creative enough.”

                  Yet today, The genius behind Disney studios is responsible for generations of childhood memories and dreams. From Snow White to Frozen, Disney will continue to entertain the world for generations to come.

                  The logic behind this is simple:

                  “We don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

                  9. Vincent Van Gogh
                  vincent_van_gogh

                    During his lifetime, Vincent Van Gogh suffered mental illness, failed relationships, and committed suicide at the age of 37.

                    He only ever sold one painting in his life, pinning him a failure as an artist. However that did not put a damper on his enthusiasm and passion for art.

                    He would never know that years and years after his death he would become known as a key figure in the world of post-impressionism, and ultimately, one of the greatest artist that ever lived.

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                    He would never know that he became a hot topic in art classes and his image was going to be used in TV, books and other forms of popular culture.

                    In the words of this great, but tragic man:

                    “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

                    10. Stephen King

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                      As a paranoid, troubled child, tormented by nightmares and raised in poverty, it is no surprise that Stephen King grew up to the title: “Master of Horror”.[4]

                      An addiction to drugs and alcohol were his mechanisms to cope with the unhappiness he felt with his life. The frustration he felt towards multiple rejections by publishers in combination with illicit substances caused him to mentally contemplate violence towards his own children.

                      These intense emotions were those that he focused onto his writing. And that’s why he said:

                      “We make up horros to help us cope with the real ones.”

                      Writing became his new coping mechanism, and this is how the master author we know today grew to success.

                      Fail more often in order to succeed

                      Like Albert Einstein said, failure really is just success in progress. If you’d rather not to fail, you will probably never succeed.

                      Success comes from moments of frustrations when you’ll be most uncomfortable with. But after you’ve gone through all those bitter times, you’ll become stronger and you’ll get closer to success.

                      Don’t be afraid to fail. In fact, start failing, and start failing often; that’s how you will succeed.

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                      Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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