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14 Things to Remember If You Love an Anxious Person

14 Things to Remember If You Love an Anxious Person

Relationships can be hard to maintain, but if the person you love suffers from anxiety, that can open a whole other world of challenges.

A 2014 YouGov survey carried out in the U.K during mental health awareness week found that almost 1 in 5 people felt anxious all of the time, or a lot of the time. Additionally, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S, affecting 40 million adults over 18.

Think about that. Forty million anxious people. If one person cares about each one of them, that means at least another 40 million people are in turn affected by that anxiety. You could probably double, trible or quadruple that number of course. Clearly anxiety is not a trivial condition.

If you are the person who loves or cares about an anxious person, you will know how important it is to listen and encourage them to get help to cope with their anxiety. At times though that might not be enough for you to be able to cope. Remembering these 14 things can help during the tough times.

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1. They are not their anxiety.

Think of anxiety like a really bad head cold. It makes the sufferer unwell enough to not be firing on all cylinders, yet not quite ill enough to be able to stop their lives and seek medical attention. That’s a difficult condition to be in, and for you to deal with. One moment they seem fine and able to cope with the rigors of daily life, and then suddenly the ‘head cold’ has kicked in and everything is bleak. This can be exhausting, leaving you unsure what you can trust or rely on. That uncertainty can bleed into how you view and treat your loved one. Because they don’t seem so very ill, it’s hard to separate the illness from the personality. Remember the anxiety is not who they are as a person (anymore than a mucus-filled head and sandpaper throat is a picture of good physical health). So if they have an “episode” and you’re finding it hard to cope, imagine they are sneezing or blowing their nose vigorously. All you are seeing are the symptoms–not the person.

2. Their anxiety is not you.

People have a sponge-like quality. We gradually absorb things from those we spend time with. Just think how quickly kids pick up mannerisms from watching T.V.

If you spend a lot of time with an anxious person this fact can be good and not-so-good. The danger is that soaking up so much of their anxious behavior can affect how you feel. You might not notice it at first, but at some point you may begin to feel a small hairball of anxiety in your own throat and wonder where it came from. Don’t despair. This can be remedied by building your own mental blockade and reminding yourself of your core values. It can even help to tell yourself–out loud–that you are not an anxious person and that you won’t become one. This kind of self-affirmation can help to protect your mind and develop an immunity to infectious anxiety. See point six for more on this.

3. They may feel trapped in a maze.

Raising and discussing an anxious concern with you once or twice might not seem unreasonable, but if your loved one constantly wants to talk over the same kinds of worries, it can appear as though they are going mad. Often this happens because the sufferer feels as though they are trying to navigate a route out of a dangerous maze and they will not rest until every path has been explored. This is how a whole weekend can end up being consumed on a single topic. Keep in mind that they are trying to get out and don’t enjoy the repetition any more than you. If you both feel like you are working as a team you will resolve things far quicker.

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4. Anxious people are often very nice people.

There is no doubt this is one of the many reasons you love the anxious person in your life. Many anxious people are ruled by a constant dread of hurting others. Being around them may help make you more sensitive to others or delicate situations. Even when they have a bad day, it’s important to remember all their unique qualities (e.g. kindness, quirkiness, good organization, thoughtfulness, cleanliness). Remember that the reason you are helping them manage their anxiety is because they don’t want something bad to happen to those they care about. It still might drive you crazy but checking the root source will help you see it comes from a very good place.

5. Don’t give in to frustration.

Sometimes anxiety can seem to define your relationship, to the point where your own feelings and routines are transgressed. Even though you might be doing all you think you can, it can still feel like you are being controlled. This feeling of being overwritten by the other person can make them seem selfish. This may well be a veneer, with the opposite holding true beneath their surface. It is a frustrating feeling and understandably that frustration might boil over in some (usually unpleasant) way. This venting of frustration will more than likely cause your loved one’s anxiety to increase, thus kicking off a vicious cycle that doesn’t need any more help self perpetuating. You shouldn’t be expected to keep a lid on your feelings either, so it is important to establish clear and fair boundaries.

6. To establish boundaries remember your ABCs.

A – Ask yourself what anxious behaviors or manifestations you can reasonably cope with and which you absolutely can’t.
B – Bring your loved one into a peaceful safe place where you are able to chat. Explain how you feel and then draw your lines in the sand. You are not trying to control them or their anxiety. You are simply stating a few areas where you are unwilling to be told what to do. That is your right and, when done in a calm setting, most anxious people will respond well as it gives their anxiety some boundaries to work within.
C – Choose the moment for this process wisely. Doing it when anxiety is raging, or during an argument, will not produce the same effect. (Surprisingly!)

7. Try not to interpret their anxiousness as a personal accusation.

Your loved one may be carrying around hundreds of worries in their head. Inevitably some (perhaps most) will find voice. Many are about typical things that everyone worries about–paying the mortgage, managing debts, health concerns, appointments, family worries, even worries about their relationship with you. When they verbalize these concerns, you may feel like you are suddenly under attack.  You might hear, “You aren’t making enough money,” “You aren’t handling things well,” “You are irresponsible,” or some other unspeakable crime. Naturally the response when feeling attacked is to go on the defensive. There’s that super vicious cycle again. Very often, leveling accusations and apportioning blame is not the intent, so try to hear what’s really being said, and how it is being said.

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8. Express how you feel truthfully.

If confrontation is not how you handle feeling judged, another trap to avoid is retreating within and closing up, welling resentment up inside you. Those feelings can create a cold, detached distance between you, which can be more damaging for a relationship than the initial anxiety was. Don’t be afraid to say how these thoughts are affecting you. It can be hard, but the chances are your loved one really don’t realize how their words are making you feel. Be truthful. Always. Saying you are fine when you are not will only damage you both.

9. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Though they may be fragile at times, your loved one isn’t an idiot. Often the things they say will be valid observations or genuine concerns. The challenge is not making them feel that you don’t value what they say. They already know that they have a little of the “boy who cried wolf” in them. So when they say something of real concern and you disregard it (like you’ve had to with countless trivial concerns) they may feel crushed. It’s a tricky one, but try to look at their demeanor when they’re speaking–how do they seem? If another non-anxious person raised this with you, would you take them seriously? Are you not listening because you think it’s just anxiety or because you don’t like what you’re hearing? However you answer those questions, remember that open, honest,  calm communication is just what the doctor ordered.

10. If they are open to it, try to help them understand their own anxiety.

“Anxiety is the giant lid we use over the pot of emotions,” explains Fiona Watson, Mickel therapist. “When our anxiety gets worse it can often mean there are more unresolved emotions in our pot.”

It is not your job to be anyone’s therapist but if the moment presents itself some well thought out questions may help them. “When did this feeling start?” “Who/What/Where makes it heighten?” Someone taking an interest in the way their mind is working might just start them on the road to understanding the root of their problem.

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11. It’s not your job to fix them.

It’s not even possible for you to fix them! You can ask questions, be kind, love and support them, but ultimately this is a private battle they have with themselves. You are a cheerleader on the pitch. You cannot participate but you can certainly motivate. Their burdens are not yours to carry but be the best cheerleader you can be (they will adore you for it).

12. Deep breathing never fails.

If it’s all getting on top of you, remember to take some deep, long breaths (and encourage them to do the same). “Breathing in for 7 and out for 11 allows your nervous system to calm down,” says Laura McDonald, reflexologist. “If someone you love is really anxious, the best thing you can be in that moment is calm. Sensing your calmness will help them begin to relax.” So chill.

13. Try to have as much fun as possible.

It can feel like anxiety sucks all the life out of living. It can sometimes make spontaneity, travel, socializing, eating out, and other adventures very difficult and colorless. It is important that you not give in to those difficulties. You may have to adapt your plans and think outside the box, but the greatest gift you can give to the anxious person you love is to help them fight that blood-sucking anxiety. By giving them fun, happy memories to pepper the anxiety filled ones they naturally have, you can help them have more to aim for–more to hope for.

14. Your relationship can become ironclad.

If they do decide to get help fighting their anxiety, you will be a big part of their journey and that can only bring you closer.  Remember: a little anxiety can be beneficial, as it motivates us to make wise choices in life. Work together with those you love and those who love you to find the right balance.

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Last Updated on April 11, 2019

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in every phase of your life. This is especially true in the workplace.

I have personally worked with several leaders who were masters of communication. A few were wonderful speakers who could tell a great story and get everyone in the room engaged. Those of us in attendance would walk away feeling inspired and eager to help with what came next. Others were very skilled at sharing a clear direction and job expectations.

I knew exactly what was expected of me and how to achieve my goals. This was the foundation of an energized and vibrant role I was in. What I have found is strong communication skills are incredibly helpful and sometimes critical in how well we perform at work.

Here we will take a look at how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

How Communication Skills Help Your Success

Strong communication skills pave the way for success in many ways. Let’s look at a few of the big ones.

Create a Positive Experience

Here are two examples of how well developed communication skills helps create a positive experience:

When I first moved to the city I now live in, I began a job search. Prior to my first live interview, I was told an address to go to. Upon arriving at the address provided, I drove around and around attempting to find the location. After 15 minutes of circling and looking for the address, I finally grabbed a parking spot and set out on foot.

What I discovered was the address was actually down an alley and only had the number over the door. No sign for the actual company. The person that gave me those very unclear directions provided a bad experience for me.

Had they communicated the directions to get there in a clear manner, my experience would have been much better. Instead the entire experience started off poorly and colored the entire meeting.

As a recruiter, I frequently provide potential candidates with information about a job I’m speaking to them about. In order to do this, I also provide a picture of the overall company, the group they might be joining, and how their role fits in and impacts the entire company.

Time and time again I have been told by candidates that I have provided the clearest picture of a company and role they have ever heard. They have a positive experience when I clearly communicate to them. Even when the position does not work out for them, often times they will want to stay in touch with me due to the open communication and beneficial experience they had during the interviewing process.

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Strong communication skills will provide a positive experience in virtually any interaction you have with someone.

Help Leadership Skills

It’s certainly a skill all its own to be able to lead others.

Being a mentor and guiding others towards success is a major hallmark of great leaders. Another characteristic of effective leaders is the ability to communicate clearly.

As I referenced above, having a leader who can plainly articulate the company’s mission and direction goes a really long way towards being the Captain of the boat that others want to follow. It’s like saying “here’s our destination and this is how we are going to get there” in a way that everyone can get on board with.

Another critical component of everyone helping to sail the boat in the right direction is knowing what your portion is all about. How are you helping the boat move towards its destination in the manner than is consistent with the leaders’ vision?

If you have a boss or a manager that can show you what it takes for not only you to be successful, but also how your performance helps the company’s success then you’ve got a winner. A boss with superior communication skills.

Build Better Teams

Most of us work in teams of some sort or another. During the course of my career, I have led teams up to 80 and also been an individual contributor.

In my individual contributor roles, I have been part of a larger team. Even if you are in business for yourself, you have to interact with others in one manner or another.

If you have strong communication skills, it helps to build better teams. This is true whether you are in an IT department with 100 other fellow programmers or if you own your own business and have customers or vendors you communicate with.

When you showcase your robust ability to communicate well with others while interacting with them, you are building a better team.

Now let’s jump in to how to improve communication skills to help you pave the way for your workplace success.

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How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

There are many tips, tricks, and techniques to improve communication skills. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much information, so let’s focus on the things that will provide the biggest return on your time investment.

Most of these tips will be fairly easy to become aware of but will take time and effort to implement. So let’s go!

1. Listen

Ever heard the saying you have two ears and one mouth for a reason? If you haven’t, then here’s the reason:

Being a good listener is half the equation to being a good communicator.

People who have the ability to really listen to someone can then actually answer questions in a meaningful way. If you don’t make the effort to actively listen, then you are really doing yourself and the other person a disservice in the communication department.

Know that person who is chomping at the bit to open his or her mouth the second you stop talking? Don’t be that person. They haven’t listened to at least 1/2 of what you’ve said. Therefore the words that spill out of their mouth are going to be about 1/2 relevant to what you just said.

Listen to someone completely and be comfortable with short periods of silence. Work on your listening skills first and foremost.

2. Know Your Audience

Knowing your audience is another critical component to having strong communication skills. The way you interact with your manager should be different than how you interact with your kids. This isn’t to say you need to be a different person with everyone you interact with. Far from it.

Here is a good way to think about it:

Imagine using your the same choice of words and body language you use with your spouse while interacting with your boss. That puts things in a graphic light!

You want to ensure you are using the type of communication most relevant to your audience.

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3. Minimize

I have lunch with a business associate about 3 times a year. We’ve been talking for several years now about putting a business deal together.

He is one of those people that simply overwhelms others with a lot of words. Sometimes when I ask him a question, I get buried beneath such an avalanche of words that I’m more confused than when I asked the question. Needless to say this is most likely a large portion of why we never put the deal together.

Don’t be like my lunch business associate. The goal of talking to or communicating with someone is to share actual information. The goal is not to confuse someone, it’s to provide clarity in many cases.

State what needs to be stated as succinctly as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t have some pleasant conversation about the weather too.

The point is to not create such an onslaught of words and information that the other person walks away more confused than when they started.

4. Over Communicate

So this probably sounds completely counter intuitive to what I just wrote about minimizing your communication. It seems like it might be but it’s not.

What I mean by over communicating is ensuring that the other person understands the important parts of what you are sharing with them. This can be done simply yet effectively. Here’s a good example:

Most companies have open enrollment for benefits for the employees in the fall. The company I work for has open enrollment from November 1 to 15. The benefits department will send out a communication to all employees around October 1st, letting them know open enrollment is right around the corner and any major changes that year. There’s also a phone number and email for people to contact them with any questions.

Two weeks later, we all get a follow up email with basically the same information. We get a 3rd communication the week before open enrollment and another one 1 day before it starts.

Finally we get 2 emails during enrollment reminding us when open enrollment ends.

There’s minimal information, it’s more of a reminder. This is effective over communication.

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5. Body Language

The final critical component to how to improve communication skills for workplace success is body language. This is something most of us have heard about before but, a reminder is probably a good idea.

When I am in a meeting with someone I am comfortable with, I tend to kind of slouch down in my chair and cross my arms. When I catch myself doing this, I sit up straight and uncross my arms. I remember that crossing arms can many times be interpreted as a sign of disagreement or conflict.

In general, the best rule of thumb is to work towards having open body language whenever possible at work. This means relaxing your posture, not crossing your arms, and looking people in the eye when speaking with them.

When you are speaking in front of others, stand up straight and speak in a clear voice. This will convey confidence in your words.

Conclusion

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in many facets of your life and most certainly in the workplace.

Good communication helps create better teams, positive experiences with those we interact with, and are critical for leadership.

There are numerous tactics and techniques to be used to improve communication skills. Here we’ve reviewed how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

Now go communicate your way to success.

More Resources About Effective Communication

Featured photo credit: HIVAN ARVIZU via unsplash.com

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